Woman, 35 80
Woman, 36, WLTM man to 40 148
Woman, 38 148
Woman keen to get a birthday card 88
Women to 35 100
Word to yo moms—I came to drop bombs 132
World of the Strange! 106
World’s worst univocalic personal ad writer 86
Worse things could happen 61
X-rays, blood tests, EEGs 70
Years of cigarette smoke 22
Yes, the jacket’s tweed 55
You like walking barefoot on cold beaches in the winter 106
You’d have thought that this magazine 118
You’ll have to speak louder than that 70
You’re so vain 101
Your Christmas bookings now taken! 131
‘Your feelings towards your partner...’ 139
Index of terms
A
11.34am two weeks next Friday, 110
3 June, 1957, 123
Abercrombie & Fitch, 108
African village goat, 80
agenda, 43
Air Miles-a-go-go, 64
American Civil War, 16
amphibian zoology, 38
amphibious car expert, 125
Anderson, Perry, 92
Andretti, Mario, 17
angioplasty, 74
Antmen, 108
Artaud, Antonin, 87
Astaroth, Threshold Guardian of the Infernal Plane, 129
asthma, 70
astigmatism, 70
astronomy, 15
Austen, Jane, 105
Aveyron, Wild Boy of, 147
B
badger, 23
Banach-Tarski paradox, 86
Barrow, Michelle, 70
Bastard, Duke William the, 54
Batman, 97
beards, 34, 48, 114, 131
beetroot wine, 22
behaviour-correcting medicines, 43
Belisha beacons, 32
belligerent old shit, 30
Bennett, Alan, 56
Bethmann-Hollweg, Theobald von, 148
bile, 139
billet doux, 64
biopsy (came up nada), 116
Bismarck, 148
bitumen, 15
Blahnik, Manolo, 97
blood, 54
bloody mary, 81
Boards of Canada (band), 21
Bobbyjo, 61
bollocks, 34
Bones (jumped), 135
Bosnian folk troupe, 88
bo-staff, 109
bowling, 22
Brentwood, 23
British Library, 48
brogues, 53, 69
Bronx, 113
bulimic German cellist, 54
Burger King, 48, 70
C
cage wrestler, 21
calf-birthing procedures, 113
Cannock Crocodile, 108
carpet
remnants, 54
samples, 107
Casanova, 55
caseous lymphadenitis, 69
caster, 54
cats, 26, 47
kitten, 102
porcelain, 39
Caversham, 78
ceramic tiles, 40
cerise pump, 29
Chalmers, Judith, 53
Chan, Jackie, 114
chiropractor, 66
Christie, Julie, 85
Christmas lights petition, 113
City Park West Municipal Golf Course, 123
clumsy, unfeeling lust, 31
cocoa, 101
coffee, 130, 141
Cole, Leslie, 117
colonoscopy, 70
coma, 74
comets, 15
community service obligations, 38
compulsive-eating, 23
compulsive teeth-brushing, 138
confidence-lacking fems, 33
Corfield, William, 117
cornflakes, 48
Costco, 132
covert recording device, 107
crank-shaft engines, 43
crevices, 40
Crosby, Stills & Nash, 53
Cup-a-Soup, 56
D
Dagenham & Redbridge, 130
Das Rheingold, 123
Decision Squid, 66
Dennis, Les, 88
Destroyer, Olaf the, 117
Devil’s Hell Bitch, 145
Didsbury, 142
direct debit, 66, 106, 114
‘Disco Duck’, 55
disgusting nasal drawl, 80
disqualified surgeon, 72
Donkey Kong, 87
Doubt, Harlequin of, 98
dowager’s hump, 57
dreams, 15
Drivulian dream swimmers, 106
Dudgeon, Richard, 16
Dulwich, 42
E
East Ham, 23
eight-stone male dufus, 100
Elvis
regular size, 31, 114
tiny, 99
velvet, 17
embroidery, 31
emergent French feminist discourse, 85
emotional cholesterol, 80
Enya, 146
espadrilles, 101
Euclidean space, 86
extra-sensory powers, 49
F
Face-painting, 141
Fame, Leroy from, 37
fasciitis necroticans, 91
Fearnley-Whittingstall, Hugh, 142
Feng Shui, 47
fifth Beatle, 40
Fifth Street, 62
Findus Crispy Pancakes, 137
flammable nylons, 37
Fondacaro, Phil, 125
Fonz, the, 93
forehead, 43
Fort Lauderdale, 124
fortean beast-hunter, 108
Fournival, Richard de, 86
Fox, 23
Frankfurt ‘in-crowd’, 141
Frau Emmy, 42
free market economy, 85
Freecell, 47
freeze-dried onions, 15
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, 31
Friedman, Dean, 25, 109
Frogger, 87
frogs, 38
Frostrup, Mariella, 23
full frontal nude body shot, 31
fungal skin complaint, 74
G
Gender Confusion, Skomorokh of, 98
Genet, Jean, 77
Ghandi, 31
giraffe, 15
gnu, 56
goose, 42
Grand National, 61
Gravas, Latka, 93
great tits, 24
Greer, Germaine, 23
Gustavus Adolphus, King of Sweden, 116
Gwent, 21
gynaecologist, 71
H
hallucinogens, 24
Harryhausen, Ray, 147
hastilude, 56
Haversham General Hospital, 69
hay fever, 71, 74
hedgerows, 38
Hell, Eighth Circle of, 131
Hello!, 29
Herod, goldfish called, 37
Hewit, Bill ‘Dink’, 117
high-five, 148
hillock of normalcy, 146
Hindu Kush, 33
historical society, 55
Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst, Prince Chlodwig zu, 148
Holmes, John, 99
Home Counties, 33
Hooke’s Law, 91
HRT, 72
Hustler, 89
hypnotic suggestion, 107
I
I Will Go Slightly Out Of My Way To Step On That Crunchy Looking Leaf, 85
Ikea, 130
implausible embezzlement defence, 64
impressive organism, 126
intellectual numbskull, 61
interpretive dance, 24
irascible old fart, 131
irritating amateur psychologist, 89
irritating TV trivia genius, 25
Isle of Man, 64
J
Jaconelli, Peter, 117
jam, 85, 90
Jane, Calamity, 16
Jenga, 97
Jessica (fingered), 138
jungle, 54
K
Karakumsky Canal, 124
karate, 89
Katherine, Queen, 114
Keating, Ronan, 39
Keith from the allotment, 98
kidney function (poor), 72
kleptomania, 23
knee, 43, 48
Korea, 26
Krautrock, 21
Kristofferson, Kris, 114
L
ladies’ league darts, 24
lazy eye, 74
Leibniz, Gottfried Wilhelm, 88
lemonade, 136
linking rings, 97
Logan’s Run, 105
loller, 62
London Fashion Week, 29
London Review Bookshop, 38
loneliest man alive, 139
love jerk, 17
love monkey, 73
LSD, 136
lust racoon, 66
lust vixen, 73
M
M&Ms, 77
MacFarlane, Jamie, 70
Man, Dave, 117
manifest destiny, 22
Martinez, Roger, 117
Mary, circus elephant, 124
massive debt, 42
Match.com, 48, 118
Maude, Aunt, 73
Mauss, Marcel, 56
maximum security stockade, 25
McChord, Corrie, 43
McKibbin, Ross, 118
meaningful interaction, 22
mice, 49
microwaveable trousers, 106
mildly terrifying, 41
military court, 25
Mind Splicing Machine™, 108
mo’ fo’, 32
modular credits, 31
Moss, Stirling, 17
mutual disgust, 78
mycoprotein, 16
N
nachträglichkeit, 42
naked Amazonian, 57
National Film Board of Canada (films), 41
Naughty Lola, 53
nerds, 117
not gay, 48
nubile young filly, 65
O
objectionable sexist pig, 34
octogenarian bankrupt, 65
often scary woman, 38
omelette, 16
origin of evil, 15
over-seasoned cod, 32
Oyster card, 30
P
palm-top, 29
Panda, Mr Snugly, 98
pants party, 100
papier mâché, 16
parachuted, 23
Paternoster, 21
patina, 22
peanut butter, 21
penny whistle(s), 42
peristerophobia, 77
philanthropy, 29
Phillips, Adam, 100
picnic, 17
pig noises, 141
Pilates, 47
pinkeye, 69
Pinnow, Judith, 53
pithy, 29
Playboy Mansion, 98
PMS, 40
pom-pom, 54
ponce, 80
Pop Tarts, 89
Pope-shaped hip-flask, 17
prelude/proem to intercourse, 105, 108
previous advertiser, 33
Primark, 55, 86
prison, 25
psychic showering, 26
psychic sixth sense, 109
pubococcygeus, 71
Pynchon, Thomas, 105
Q
Quavers, 115
questionable shell-fish aphrodisia, 136
quiet naps, 53
quinacrine banding, 92
QVC, 63
R
real ale, 34
recherché, 29
refrigerator door (fix), 140
restraining order, 105
Ricketts Family, 88
Rigg, Diana, 125
Rimbaud, 146
roadkill, 142
rollercoaster, 39
Romano, Ray, 63
Romantics, 15
Rowley, Christine, 89
S
safety car, 17
sandwich, 17
sarcastic barbs, 79
sausage rolls, 110
schadenfreude, 79
Scott-Heron, Gil, 21
Scrabble, 93
scrapie, 69
Secret Forest (creatures of the), 97
self-destructive sex, 79
sex engine, 102
Shame, Jester of, 98
shingles, 74
shite book, 25
shoplifting, 80
shrimp peeler, 47
Simon, Carly, 101
size 10 Susans with size four feet, 43
skin allergy, 69
slippers, 43
sociopath, 23
socks, 25, 125
sofa, 21, 105
somewhat opprobrious experiences, 102
Spark, Muriel, 23
Spenser, Edmund, 15, 33
spoon-feed, 69
squirrels, 43
St Albans, 126
stand-by paramedics, 147
steroids, 69
strop, 40
subordinate aspects of change, 86
surgical knickers, 71
T
tank-top, 85
tap shoes, 26
taxidermy, 26
Taylor, A.J.P., 93
telephoto-resistant cobbles, 109
tempura, 137
tent peg, 39
terrapins, 16
Teutonic, 29
The OC, 81
Thrower, Percy, 57
Thundercat, 109
Thundercats, 109n
thyroid, 69
tiger barbs (mounted albino), 124
timeshare-buying moron, 65
tinnitus, 70
Tizer, 115
tolerance-of-idiots metre, 147
totty, 29
Train of the Damned, 140
trench foot, 72
tributary, 29
Tring, 47
trouser-suits, 54
trowel, 44
Truprint, 72
Truro, 34
U
UCL (University College London), 88, 105
Ulrich, Lars, 132
uncle, 26
underpants (novelty), 125
undertaker, 44
urine, 24, 26
V
Valentino, Rudolph, 61
VAT receipts, 37
violent dreams, 37
Virgo Rooster, 140
W
Wa, Ben, 57
waffle, 56
Wallace, Mr, 29
wallpaper samples, 77
Wally from Crossroads, 89
Weber, Anton [von], 25
Weltanschauung, 92
West Country, 24
Wharton, Edith, 87
White Lightning, 24
Wikipedia, 71
window-box, 44
Wing Commander, 30
winning streak, 135
Winston the dog, 21
wizard, 2, 97
Wolsey, Cardinal, 114
woodchip wallpaper, 129
would-be Mekon, 105
Y
yeast reaction, 116
yo pants (fly-er than the zipper on), 132
Z
Žižek, Slavoj, 92
* G. F. Miller, The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature, Anchor, 2001.
1 Allegorical epic poem first published in 1590 and written in praise of Queen Elizabeth I. It was published as six books in 1596 (having originally been published as three), with each being an exploration of different virtues. The third book is an examination of chastity.
2 100 grams of onions typically contain 12 percent RDA of vitamin C.
3 Calamity Jane (1852–1903)—born Martha Jane Cannary Burke. North American frontierswoman and the eponymous heroine of the 1953 Warner Bros. musical starring Doris Day.
4 Richard Dudgeon—born in Scotland in 1819. Immigrated to the United States in his youth, where he took a job at the Allaire Iron Works in New York City. He established his own machine shop in 1849 and achieved industrial fame with his portable hydraulic jack (patented in 1851). Prior to the hydraulic jack, the less efficient screw jack was the prevalent lifting device.
5 1861–65.
6 Quorn is a brand of mycoprotein-based foodstuffs made from the soil mould Fusarium venenatum strain PTA-2684. Currently it is the leading brand of vegetarian meat-replacement food in the UK. Joan Baez (b. 1941)—folk singer known for addressing topical and social issues with her music.
7 ‘This Wheel’s on Fire’—written by Bob Dylan and Rick Danko. Performed by Julie Driscoll, Brian Auger and The Trinity (1968, Marmalade Records). It reached number five in the UK charts. Also recorded by Bob Dylan on his album The Basement Tapes (1975, Columbia), and The Band’s Music from Big Pink (1968, Capitol). Siouxsie and the Banshees recorded a version on their album Through the Looking Glass (1987, Polydor).
8 Mario Gabriel Andretti (b. 1940)—Italian-American racing driver. Sir Stirling Craufurd Moss OBE (b. 1929)—retired English racing driver.
9 Paternoster—progressive Austrian Krautrock band largely unknown beyond circles of Krautrock enthusiasts. They realised one (self-titled) album in 1972 (Ohrwaschl Records). Gil Scott-Heron—American poet and musician considered one of the earliest pioneers of political rap music and best known for the poem and song ‘The Revolution Will Not Be Televised’. Boards of Canada—one of the musical projects of Scottish brothers Michael Sandison and Marcus Eoin. The name is taken from the National Film Board of Canada (see p. 41, n. 34).
10 US retailer of women’s lingerie.
11 Happy Days—US sitcom that ran from 1974 until 1984. The show was set in the 1950s and 1960s and centred on the Cunningham family of Milwaukee. A supporting character, Warren ‘Potsie’ Weber, was one of the few characters to run the entire course of the series and was played by Anson Williams, second cousin of Dr. Henry Heimlich, known for the Heimlich Manoeuvre for treating choking victims. The show’s theme tune (composed by Charles Fox and Norman Gimbel) included the line ‘Feels so right, it can’t be wrong’.
12 East Ham is a built-up urban district in the London Borough of Newham and not, in fact, in Gloucestershire, which is a county in the southwest of England.
13 Muriel Spark (1918–2006)—Scottish novelist whose works include The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. Mariella Frostrup (b. 1962)—television presenter, panellist and critic. Germaine Greer (b. 1939)—Australian writer, scholar, critic and author of the 1970 international best-seller The Female Eunuch.
14 White Lightning—fermented corn syrup marketed as cider by brewers Scottish Courage. Synonymous with British hooligan youth culture and vagrant street-drinking in the early 2000s due to its low price, wide availability and high alcohol concentration (7.5 percent alcohol by volume).