In the future, I want to be ... a father because ... I am a boy.
In the future, I want to be ... bogs because ... bogs is interesting and very furry.
In the future, I want to be ... a public servant because ... looks interesting.
In the future, I want to be ... a candy store because ... I like cake.
In the future, I want to be ... child welfare because ... I like childs.
In the future, I want to be ... a nurse because ... help for men.
In the future, I want to be ... hairdresser because ... it’s cool.
In the future, I want to be ... a dog because ... it’s interesting.
In the future, I want to be ... a clerk because ... I think it fits me.
In the future, I want to be ... a postmanbecause ... I can send dreams.
A LIST OF HIT TRACKS BY MY ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD SISTER, RUTH, WHOSE KNOWLEDGE OF METAL AND GLAM ROCK STEMS ENTIRELY FROM THE COVER OF A “NELSON AND NELSON SMOKIN’ GUITAR LICKS” VIDEO WE SAW AT THE MUSIC STORE, BUT WHO, NEVERTHELESS, CALLING HERSELF “THE BLAST OFF!,” DECIDED TO FORM HER OWN ENSEMBLE, “LUMPEE & MEEN,” WHICH SHE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO LET ME JOIN
Leif and Ruth Larsen
“AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Great!!!”
“I’m Going to Antler You!!!”
“I’m Going to Antler You! (acoustic love-ballad remix)”
“I Should Have Washed My Hands....”
*props to our mom
“The ‘Teaparty of Darkness Which Is in My Head’ Song”
“Mumsy!”
“Broken $237.99 Guitar!!!”
“Ruth, Wipe Your Chin, You’re Dripping—You Look Like a Person Who’s Not, You Know, Mentally Stable ...!!!!”*
TERRIBLE NAMES FOR HAIR SALONS
John Moe
Shear Hostility
Mane-lining Hair-oin
I Will Cut Your Head
Gut the Hell Out of Hair
The Razor’s Edge Starring Bill Murray
The Mane Reason My Parole Was Revoked
Nervous McStabby’s Hair Care Place
Reason Has Been E-Clips-ed by Rage
Running with Scissors
Armon Gilliam’s House of Style
In No Conditioner to Drive
Clipping Penalty
Dexa-Trims
Hari Commandant
Cuts & Bruises
Dude, I’m So Buzzed
The Viet-Mane War Memorial
Get the Hell Out of Hair, Kevin
I Hate My Mother
George Hair-ison’s Solo Career
Why Won’t You Dye?
Los Angeles Clippers
Mein Coif
GOOD NAMES FOR HAMSTERS
Diana Fischer
Mrs. Leonard Pannaggio
Hammy
Chief
Mario
Drew Bledsoe
Toes
BAD NAMES FOR HAMSTERS
Diana Fischer
Seth
Gary
Judy
Joyce
Janice
Sandy Jacobson
The Dude
BABY NAMES FOR AN EXPECTED SISTER SUGGESTED BY NATHANIEL WATSON, AGE SIX
Sarah Brown
Pancake*
Hambone*
Skeleton*
Toto
*Name also suggested earlier for Watson’s brother Jimmy, twenty-one-months old
Jimmy II
Anna
Total Annihilation
BAD NAMES FOR PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS—THE NEXT GENERATION
Jeff Johnson
Beckett
The Tadpole
Roy Cohn, Jr.
The Splendid Splinter
Bruce the Spruce
The Cuddler
The Framingham Fry Cook
Paula
Hamilton Jordan
Tarkanian
The Sea Horse
The Incontinent Minstrel
The Drooling Lamb
The Martyr
The Peppermint Rube
Butterscotch
The Standoffish Person
The Wooden Marmoset
The Pasty Accountant
The Tardy Worker
Alan Dershowitz
The Soothsayer
Inky
The City Manager
The Bench Warmer
The Plum-Eating Bastard
The Corpse
The Marionette
The Gout-Stepper
The Willamette Pimp
MORE BAD NAMES FOR PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS
(added 1:34 p.m. Wednesday)
Jeff Johnson
The Vegan
The Lonely Marine
Grace Kelly
Peter Billingsley
Swimmer’s Itch
The Orderly
Smarty Pants
Babette
Jivamukti
Paul McCartney
The Shlub
The Shrill Housewife
The Truant Officer
The Dartmouth Grad Student
The Keokuk Optometrist
The Whispering Mime
Aaron Copland
The Impressionist
The Phonics Expert
Nancy Walker
Hospice Boy
Noel Coward
Frondeur
The Demimonde
The Victim
The Tattletale
Truffle
Victor Kiam
The Poet Laureate
Mrs. Grundy
Burt Hooton
The Pawn
The Little Ragu
Dale
Morrissey
AILMENTS I WILL PROBABLY HAVE, LATER
Steven Tomsik
Esophageal constricticitis
Temporal saturation of Creen’s gland
Torso failure
Phlandibicules, as a result of Blaser’s syndrome
Ocular swelling and general carbuncular pupil reflex
Degenerative anterior glandulae meialis humera, subsequent wens
Toxic spermatoceliosis
Goslee tooth
Ventricular hiatus, chestaxia, epidermal foam
Carditis in quadrant IV with nonmedianus hyphloxiatricine tark
Cementy ear
POSSIBLE CLOSING LINES FOR A DEFENDANT WHO HAS CHOSEN TO REPRESENT HIMSELF
Brian Sack
“My client professes his innocence. And when I look in the mirror and see his eyes, I just have to believe him.”
“The facts, which I will present to you, will show that the defendant is not guilty. My client was nowhere near the scene of the crime. My client was where I was, obviously, because he is me, and I’m definitely aware of our whereabouts that night.”
“Truth be told, no one knows what really happened that night. Except me and my client.”
“I have been accused of a terrible crime. This frightens me both as a defendant and as a lawyer. I don’t want to go to jail, and I’d hate to lose my first case.”
“When all is said and done, you will have to take all the evidence and go into the room back there, talk about it, and decide amongst yourselves on a verdict and whatnot. Right?”
“I want you to take a good hard look at my client. I want you to ask yourself if he could be capable of such a heinous crime. But I don’t want you to take that long hard look just yet, because it will distract me and I’m not finished talking.”
SEVERAL PHRASES THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN UTTERED IN HUMAN HISTORY
Marshall Sella
“Look out, God—behind You!”
“Nothing’s the same since Julie started those wars.”
“The New World has that New World smell.”
“We, the jury, find the defendant cute as a button.”
“Shoot him again, Mr. President. He doesn’t mind.”
“Yummy plague!”
“I claim this land in the name of Phyllis T. Brunell.”
&nb
sp; “Let the ant-shaving begin!”
“No man is so tall as when he stoops to help a child kill.”
“That was no lady, that was Iraq.”
THINGS PEOPLE SAID TO ME WHILE I WORKED THE FRONT DESK OF AN OFFICE IN LIEU OF “WOULD YOU THROW THIS AWAY FOR ME?”
Sarah Brown
“I’ve got a present for you!”
“Think fast!”
“Here.”
“Got a little something for you.”
“Just because I like you so much ...”
“Do you have trash under there?”
“Thanks.”
“Aw, I got this just for you, Sarah!”
“Would you mind?”
“Watch out, this might be sticky.”
REJECTED ARCADE GAMES
Jules Lipoff
Temporarily Disabling Kombat
Falafel Time
Extreme Lawnmowing
The Congressional Redistrictor
Washing Machine 2: Another Load before Bed
Street Panhandler Turbo
The 401(k) Adventure
Martha Stewart’s Weed-Out!!
Rabbi Rendezvous: The Circumcisions
Mule Kong, Jr.
Cheatin’ Wife Hunter
THREE LITTLE THINGS I REGRET HAVING SAID
Dan Kennedy
“How’s it doin’?”
—To Karen McGrew at Nieblas Intermediate School, Fountain Valley, CA, 1979
“Let’s call up it some night!”
—To prospective employer upon discovering we shared an interest in Museum of Television and Radio screening of Superbowl commercials
“You think that’s dick?”
—To street vendor upon confronting him regarding a joke he made about me as I walked past
FOUR THINGS I WOULD HAVE SAID TO SYLVIA PLATH IF I HAD BEEN HER BOYFRIEND
Dan Kennedy
“Does something always have to be wrong?”
“I’m so sick of you twisting my words around.”
“Nothing makes you happy.”
“Maybe we should just break up then.”
THE EMPEROR HAS NO CORTEX: 100 PERCENT TRUE QUOTES FROM MY FORMER HOLLYWOOD BOSSES
Tom O’Connor
“It is my theory that it’s people that make movies. They don’t make themselves.”
“I’m not asking you to reinvent the wheel, I’m asking you to reinvent a wheel.”
“Are you sure this is a Christmas movie, just because the story happens during Christmas?”
“We need to create a matrix that sets up a pattern.”
“There is something either not important or psychologically interesting about what you just said.”
“I don’t want to understand it, I just want to know how it’s going to be done.”
“You’re too enthusiastic and eager to please. Every time I see you smile, it ruins my whole day.”
“We’re all familiar with the Linear Enmeshment Method of working toward production.”
“I hear a clock ticking that I’ve never heard before ... in my head.”
“The thing that makes this script unique is that the characters travel back in time.”
“Dreamworks doesn’t have the imagination to talk to us.”
“Development is not a business. Talking is not a business. Cash flow is a business.”
“When I came in, this company was like a beheaded chicken. It was running around, had lots of energy, but no direction, no focus.”
“He’s a new director. Yes, he is French ... but he’s not French French.”
“Let’s make sure we’re not dancing to their bagpiper.”
“I need an office in New York too because there is a different ambiance there. It is more direct and less bigger-than-life than L.A. More rifle, less shotgun.”
“Is there any way we can work Meat Loaf into this movie? He really represents the true spirit of it.”
“Small words are so important in contracts.”
TERMS USED IN AN OFFICE-SUPPLY CATALOG TO DESCRIBE PLACEMENTS OF TABS ON MANILA FILE FOLDERS THAT COULD ALSO BE USED TO DESCRIBE POLITICAL IDEOLOGIES OR SEXUAL PREFERENCES
Stephanie McNutt
Straight
1st Position
2nd Position
3rd Position
Extreme Right
Right of Center
2/5 Straight
ALTERNATE TITLES PROPOSED FOR THIS BOOK
Whimsical Is the New Weightiness
Humor Is Timeless: 1998–2003
The French Lieutenant’s Woman
667: The Neighbor of the Beast
The Sound and So Forth
We’re in the Library of Congress! We’re in the Library of Congress!
A Child’s Garden of Funnies
How Can It Be Irony When It Is Exactly What You Expected?
A Child’s Garden of McSweeney’s Erotica
The Only Book Ever Published
Necronomicon
Ow, Motherfucker!
Endnotes
To return to the corresponding text, click on the reference number or "Return to text."
1. The principles of comedy, of delivering humor to an audience, hold that the first joke may not get a predictable response. This story’s readers are still trying to find their footing in the story, to gauge whether they can determine the author’s wavelength and follow it. The first citation of the name “Philip Glass” will undoubtedly remind some readers of the avant-garde composer who shares the character’s name; the first repetition of the name may even induce a chuckle, as the disparity between the nature of the character and the nature of the composer would seem to be tremendous indeed. But by the third citation of his name, in which the character is actually “whooping,” readers may be greatly amused by the connection of the name Philip Glass with an activity that seems out of character for the Philip Glass they know from real life. Return to text.
2. The repetition of the name Glass is becoming apparent by now, but the name Stephen Glass may also earn laughter from any reader familiar with the career of the disgraced former journalist. Some readers may pay particular attention, envisioning some sort of poetic revenge—but again, such anticipation may be a result of projecting an expectation of the scandalized, real-life Stephen Glass onto this character who shares his name. Return to text.
3. By the third appearance of the surname Glass, the author’s joke is fully clear to almost every reader, and an audience laughs as one. But the joke here is twofold: Not only is there humor in the unlikelihood of an expedition team comprised entirely of people named Glass, but the name Ira Glass itself would appear not to fit such a crude expletive as that to which this character is attributed. Many readers will recognize the name Ira Glass from a weekly syndicated public radio program called This American Life, and its host’s gentle, endearing, friendly voice and manner stand in stark opposition to the cruelly banal rejoinder offered here. Therefore, humor arises also from the shock of the situation, not merely from the now-predictable repetition. Return to text.
4. By this point, the central joke of this passage—the repetition of the name Glass, and the naming of characters after well-known, unaffiliated bearers of the surname—is abundantly clear, and any laughter that appears here is a diminishing return on the author’s investment. Such laughter will be polite and subdued; the author now must heighten the tension with a surprising joke, which, paradoxically, the audience has come by now to subconsciously expect. Return to text.
5. Here, the payoff is tremendous. George Glass is a memorable name that appeared in an episode of the TV series The Brady Bunch—an anti-intellectual response to the preceding names of an avant-garde composer, a fallen journalist, a public-radio host, and a character from fiction by J. D. Salinger. The twist in tone—from high culture to banality—is a satisfying one. It could, conceivably, serve as the passage’s last “joke.” Any other attempted jokes must be handled deftly to keep from capsizing the heightened mood of th
e audience. Return to text.
6. A wonderful denouement. The twist in the “name game”—from Glass to, suddenly, Blass—would throw any audience member off the scent. The idea of fashion designer Bill Blass serving as a yachting expedition’s first mate is also incidentally hilarious, and the double-joke here is enormously gratifying. Return to text.
* Real dance troupe Return to text.
** Cheese Return to text.
CONTRIBUTORS
Jeff Alexander wishes Tom Bissell luck beating that indecent-exposure rap. He lives in Bukhara.
As a young boy, Daniel “Fosse!” Archer perfected the art of Jazz Hands. Over the years he has added the Jazz Drag, Fan Kick, and Ball Change to his repertoire. So far, no one seems impressed. He credits Debbie Allen, Lee Remick, and the 1983 blockbuster film Stayin’ Alive for helping him develop a passion for the dance.
Stephany Aulenback lives in Nova Scotia.
Chris Bachelder received an M.F.A. from the University of Florida and now teaches writing and literature at Colorado College in Colorado Springs. He is the author of Bear v. Shark: The Novel.
Ross Alan Barnes attends Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois.
Jim Behrle edits can we have our ball back? on the web and is the Events Director at WordsWorth Books in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Tom Bissell is the author of Chasing the Sea and lives in New York City. Since the day Mr. Alexander correctly identified Glorfindel as the elf whom Strider and the Hobbits meet on the way to Rivendell, he has deferred to his co-author on all things Tolkien.
Michael Ian Black lives in New York City.
Tim Blair is a columnist for The Bulletin magazine in Sydney, Australia, where he is free to roam, free of the dictates of French law, because he does live in France.
Zev Borow writes for magazines and for television and for love.
Arthur Bradford wrote a book called Dogwalker (Knopf, 2001) and directed a movie called How’s Your News? (HBO, 2002). He lives with his grandmother.
Daniel A. Brennan resides in New York, where he trains Rhode Island Red bantams for competitive fighting exhibitions.
Brodie H. Brockie is the co-creator of capnwacky.com and makes movies and sketch comedy with A Monkey & A Typewriter Productions.
Peter Ward Brown lives in Columbus, Ohio, where he works in a gray cubicle that is almost in the corner.
Sarah Brown is a writer from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and has the strength of a bear that has the strength of two bears. She would love to meet your brother.