Tiny dinosaur, approximately thumb-size: like maybe a little brontosaurus in your palm?
Silkworms: do these really make silk or just some silklike mush? If they do in fact make silk, that’s crazy.
Kittens with blue eyes and very soft paws: of course these are real and I have even seen and held and cuddled them. But still, they are great to think about.
EXPRESSIONS THAT VICTOR SKAARUP AND KRIS WINTHER THOUGHT FIT TO INCLUDE IN THEIR 1949 SWEDISH REFERENCE WORK USA SLANG, ORDBOK OVER-MODERN AMERIKANSK SLANG
Ethan Hein
all to the mustard
awry-eyed
baked wind
balcony owl
barbadacious
bun-yanker
catching the monk
dilly-mill
Dutch treat
geegawful
Mendelssohning
panther sweat
patch my pantywaist!
prunes, to be full of
putty blower
skibby
slither tuber
wavy navy
wooden nutmeg
X-legged
yard goose
RAPPER OR TOILETRY?
Mike Daulton*
1. Suave
2. Nice & Smooth
3. Soft & Gentle
4. Shyne
5. All Fresh
6. All Natural
7. Remedy
8. D-Flame
9. Cream Silk
10. Volume 10
11. Dimension
12. Cool Breeze
13. Smooth Appeal
14. Q-Tip
TOILETRY: 1, 3, 5, 9, 11, 13.
RAPPER: 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12.
BOTH TOILETRY AND RAPPER: 14.
*Tip of the hat to Chris Harris
WORDS USED BY MY GRANDFATHER IN HIS WWII DIARY TO DENOTE INTOXICATION
Elizabeth Ellen
gay
drunk
high
woozy
happy
soused
looped
plastered
ginned up
stinko
SIGNS ON THE LAWNS OF PEOPLE WHOSE LAWNS YOU MAY WANT TO AVOID
Rich Michaels and Jon Crawford
Beware of God.
Step to the left. A little more. A little more! Very good.
If you don’t get off my lawn, I’ll get off on you.
I LIKE SIGNS!!!
Keep off loose soil.
The Perot Family.
Mr. Vanilla Ice no longer lives here.
I squirt on your shoes from my special place.
I’m pleasuring you from the inside.
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM REUNION CHAT WEBSITE AUTOBIOGRAPHIES OF PITTSBURGH-AREA HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES
Jessica Sedgewick
Unfortunately, I am still in Pittsburgh.
Find me at Yahoo. Please do not mention anything about Mormons!
I plan on doing some design work but my focus will always be on the fine arts I produce.
First off for all you wondering I am not a nun.
How my spouse and I met: My cousin had her friend pick me up from detention.
I GOT MARRIED IN 1999. I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ME.
I’m always interested in seeing where/how everyone is doing, how many kids you now have, how many marriages you’ve been through, and how we each individually feed off one another’s miserable existence in life.
I don’t have wife. But I got my son. That all it matter. (I love to play golf and I’m pretty good.)
I check my e-mail every few days. If you want more, it’s up to you.
We are getting married in October 2002, much to his family’s displeasure.
I was a drag queen for about two years, and I thought that I was gay. But I am not!
If you didn’t like me, then I could care less if you’re even reading this, let alone what you think.
I am now in New York City, living the turbulent and courageous life of a professional actor and playwright.
I have not yet married, but I am still with the father of my children.
Then after a rather embarrassing CB radio conversation, we had set up our first date.
I guess the most important thing is that I am happy and spanking more ass than ever.
FEATURED MENU ITEMS AT THE EXISTENTIALIST’S CAFE
Elizabeth Miller
Pasta cooked like hell
Pâté made from a duck that hates you
Gnocchi and nothingness
Salmon in sardonic sauce
Spanocrapita
Tarte de despair
Filet de tobacco
Crème de Camus
Le poulet is very bored tonight
Plate of butter
INTRODUCING THE NEW CEREALS
Amy O’Leary and Adam Weitz
Cracklin’ Monkey Bran
Booty Loops
Graffiti Pebbles
Frosted Lying Bitch Squares
Abominations of the Raisin
Sweet Jesus Flakes
Oat Tolerance
Honey Bunches of Malaise
Nano Bran
Marshmallow Crispies of Ennui
Sugared Surgical Puffs
Morning-After Muesli
Hot Wheaty Meal
SCHOOLYARD GAMES FOR UNPOPULAR CHILDREN
Greg Knauss
Hide ’n’ Be Lonely
Goose Goose Goose
Teeter
Unhappy-Go-Round
Kick the Can, Over and Over Again, Angrily
Studio Apartment
Very Easy Tag
NAMES OF SQUASH THAT ALSO MAKE GOOD TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
Laura Belous
Banana
Buttercup
Butternut
Delicata
Golden Nugget
Large Turban
Mini Turban
Pumpkin Pie
Puritan
Spaghetti
Sugar Loaf
Sweet Dumpling
THE LATEST IN INNUENDO BUMPER STICKERS
Jason Roberts
Feng Shui experts do it with strategically placed mirrors.
Outplacement consultants do it in what used to be your boss’s office, right at the desk where he once called you an “invaluable asset” and hinted at a raise.
Medical marijuana–using glaucoma patients do it until they go blind, and even after, for the pain.
Working moms who think that keeping a journal will help them become mystery novelists get around to doing it only very occasionally.
Reunion attendees do it with a bittersweet sadness and sense of what might have been, if only they had known how beautiful they truly were when young.
Ex-teachers regret doing it with class.
LAST NAMES THAT ARE MORE COMMON THAN MY OWN, ACCORDING TO THE CENSUS BUREAU
Seth Kolloen
Crisafulli
Zwickl
Penix
Luttenegger
Froschheiser
Dabdoub
Gothro
Mutschelknaus
Schrumph
Schroot
Schremp
Kraskouskas
Bitler
MNEMONIC DEVICES TO HELP YOU REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL “MNEMONIC DEVICES”
Rick Larsen
My Nephew Eats Many Oranges, Never Indicating Conscious Dismay—Even Vigorously Ingesting Certain Excessive Sizes.
Many Nations Embrace Making Overt Name-calling Illegal; Conversely, Dale Evans Viewed Internal Conflicts as External Symptoms.
Mike Nesmith Ended Monkees Over Nebulous Internal Complications. Davy, Evidently Victorious, Insisted Company Equally Share.
Much Noise Emitted Means Often Nothing. If Cabled Device Exceeds Voltage Indicated, Connect Extra Speakers.
Multi-National Energy Meetings Overlook Numerous Industrial Causes. Delays, Even Very Infinitesimal, Can Entangle Statesman.
NAMES CONSIDER
ED AND REJECTED BY THE SOFTWARE COMPANY “CISIVE” WHILE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING IN THE STYLE OF “TELIGENT” AND “GENUITY”
Earl L. Humphreys
Ane
Cestuous
Donesian
Dustrial
Fantile
Fectious
Kblot
Nards
Quisition
Sipid
Stitutionalize
Terrobang
Toxicant
Troversion
Tumesce
THE LATEST IN FAKE MEAT PRODUCTS
Danielle Hess and Mickey Hess
Falseage Links
Looney Tuna
Soylisbury Fake
Replicarcass
Replicacciatore
Not-Real Veal
Fibber Liver
Venisoy
That Which Is Not Lamb
Beef Fauxganoff
Pork Pretender
Chimpostor!
Nostrich Burger
ACTUALLY HEARD ON THE NEW YORK SUBWAY/NEVER HEARD ON THE NEW YORK SUBWAY
John Parsley
ACTUALLY HEARD:
“You all got legs, help a brother with one leg out.”
“Come on man, that’s my head you’re hitting.”
“Merry fucking Christmas.”
“Two Dura-gizers, one dollar.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I am a blind accordion player. I am here to entertain you on the train.”
“Jesus Christ is the redeemer, let him redeem you with his Christliness, Jesus he will. Yes.”
“Excuse me, can I sit there? I’m going to ralph.”
“I love SubTalk, ’cause I get to see all those poet guys and stuff.”
“I’m on Fifth Avenue. That noise in the background? No, that’s just some guy with a loudspeaker.”
NEVER HEARD:
“When I sneeze I will aim my nose at my own jacket so as to spare you a sticky mess.”
“No, that was definitely me. I will remove myself from your presence at the very next stop.”
“I’m sorry that I’m brushing up against you; I do not want you, and if I could put my ass anywhere else, trust me, I would.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, hold on tight; there’s a train ahead and we’re bustin’ on through.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be cleaning this up as soon as I’m done.”
“Mommy, can I be quiet now?”
LESS POPULAR BOARD GAMES
Neil Chamberlain
Slumlord
Mathemagic
Ennui
Scott Baio’s Haunted House
Cannibal Adventure
Really Fucking Sorry
Tax Cheat
Electronic Swearing Battleship
Prostate Operation
Negro League Championship
Spork Factory
Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Spouses
Gajoink!
Chute and Chute
Fourth Reich
Kashlonk!
For the Love of God, Don’t Wake Daddy!
Pet Rock Divorce Court
Desperation
Abrasive Egg-Timer Challenge
Save the Guggenheim!
Uncle Wiggily Is Dead
Monopoly with Grape Juice All Over It and the Goddamn Chance Cards All Stuck Together
REGRETTABLE PUNS I’VE USED AS HEADLINES AT THE IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE FOR WHICH I WORK
Ross McCammon
Snow Time Like the Present
Inn-Capsulated
High Tee
And Don’t Call Them Shorely
Hooks, Lines, and Thinkers
Noir Town
Hour of Braise
What’s Kneaded
Oui Like
Too Much of a Food Thing
Raising the Steaks
Tea Wrecks
Polar Wheres
A Cramp and Your Stylus
CAUSE-AND-EFFECT RULES FOR SIDEWALK TRAVEL
John Moe
Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.
Step on a flea, become a sucker MC.
Step on some dirt, move in with William Hurt.
Step on a rock, lose your favorite frock.
Step on a bee, become a sucker MC.
Step on a plant, remember Adam Ant?
Step on some grass, hey, get off the grass!
Step on a lime, travel back in time.
Step on a crack vial, break your mother’s back vial.
Step on a line, break your father’s spine.
Step on a twig, listen to Edvard Grieg.
Step on a tree, become a sucker MC.
Step on a curb, use a passive verb.
Step on Joyce DeWitt, throw a hysterical fit.
Step on some paper, solve a thrilling caper.
Step on some cardboard, change your name to “Mardboard.”
Step on some trash, get way into Graham Nash.
Step on a sucker MC, hey, wow, good job!
CORPORATE MASCOTS: THEIR STUNNING SECRETS REVEALED
Daniel A. Brennan
Mr. Salty: Uses foul language
Cap’n Crunch: Severely disciplined for role in Tailhook scandal
Ronald McDonald: Embarrassing association with serial killer/clown portraitist John Wayne Gacy
Snuggles, the Fabric Softener Bear: Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
Rich Uncle Moneybags: Wanted in Atlantic City in connection with bank fraud, pageant-fixing
The Pep Boys (Manny, Moe, and Jack): Actually quite lethargic
Mr. Coffee: Beneficiary of a mob-established bank account at Bowery Savings Bank; used to beat up Mrs. Coffee
Jolly Green Giant: Easily misunderstood catchphrase has been the cause of several arrests for solicitation
Charlie the Tuna: Frequently wakes up in tears at three in the morning, an empty bottle of bourbon on the nightstand, cigarette butts on the floor, another girl he doesn’t recognize lying beside him. He tiptoes to the bathroom, stuffing a towel under the door to block out the sound and weeps into the sink, whispering the words “Oh God, please help me” over and over until the crying stops.
Mr. Softee: Impotent
ELEVEN LUNCH MEATS I HAVE INVENTED
Steven Tomsik
Brumschlagen
Cran-pepper Hen Loaf
Spiced Saucetail
Nippleroni
Fleen
Taste It
Hammed Beef
Meatwurst
Head Tongue
Buffalami
There Are Five
SLOGANS OF NOT-SO-PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOLS
Jeff Johnson
Radclift: We’re only a couple of letters away from being a really good school.
Mortensen Taxidermy: Let’s not kid each other. You weren’t our first choice, either.
Mike’s Dental School: No lawsuits in nineteen months.
Williamsburg Institute: You can either live on campus or do it by mail.
People’s Choice Junior College: At PCJC, we aren’t afraid to have TV Guide in our media center.
Furrer Bible College: Did you know some translations of the Bible endorse weed smoking? How about free video rentals?
Raymond Wright College: A lot of sodomy happens here. Yep, sodomy and free gum.
Duncan College: At Duncan College, your parents never see your report card. Guaranteed.
Chounter’s Culinary College: You’re not a student at Chounter, you’re a junior teacher.
Rinzen Music* Academy:
Colombia University: Porque parece un error tipográfico en su curriculum vitae.
SUBJECTS MY DAD DOESN’T LIKE AND WILL DISCUSS AT LENGTH IF RAISED
Kate Harris
Peacocks
The blue rug my mother bought for the front room
People borrowing things from his shed
The motion picture Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Food courts
Sugar that has been spilled on the kitchen tiles
Alternative medicine
The fact that the cat is putting on weight
Odors that can’t be explained
INFREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Justin Dobbs
Can I top off your warm salt water?
Does this sound infected?
Who’s her favorite bass player?
Why is your spleen like that?
Is he going to perpetuate that misconception all night?
But how do you get it to float next to the VCR?
Why brown?
What’s with the hedge trimmer?
Could you please stop looking at my bowling trophy?
You call yourself a witch doctor?
Couldn’t you at least have buried the can opener?
Did you say “Massachusetts”?
Was that when you noticed my uncle’s birthmark?
When does the next Frenchman go by here?
Who said anything about yachting?
Isn’t that the guy from the Psychedelic Furs?
Why was that written?
What do you know from black lung?
More duck sauce?
Who dat talkin’ ’bout beatin’ dem Bengals?
RECENTLY DISCOVERED VOTING IRREGULARITIES IN FLORIDA
John Moe
Voters driven to polls by friend Jason, despite hating Jason
Self-loathing in Broward County
98 percent of votes in Santarosa County cast for Stalin
Unapproved “Gore eats old people” yard signs
All Gore voters statewide accidentally falling in front of trucks
Evidence of chicanery by infamous Miami Sound Machine
Democrats forced to vote in special “chamber of mice” booth
All 3,756 Gore daughters dressing as elderly women and voting in West Palm Beach
Casting an all-Democrat ballot forms the face of Satan on punch card
“Weird” feeling in Walton and Okaloosa Counties
“Weird” Al Yankovic in Hendry County
Ralph Nader
Everything being stupid and sucking
FILMS ABOUT TOUGH JEWS
Adam Weitz
The Ten Commandments
Casino
ACTUAL RESPONSES BY MY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE STUDENTS TO THE PROMPT “IN THE FUTURE, I WANT TO BE ...” AND “BECAUSE ...”
Brook Crowley
In the future, I want to be ... a makeup teacher because ... I like makeup.
In the future, I want to be ... a worker because ... the worker looks great.
In the future, I want to be ... eat egg because ... eat egg.
In the future, I want to be ... a dog because ...