TDX2 - Too Dull To Die
Dani J Caile
TDX2
(too dull to die)
by
Dani J Caile
PUBLISHED BY:
TDX2
Copyright © 2013 by Dani J Caile
This story will be available in print from Createspace.com soon.
Blogs & Websites
https://danijcaile.blogspot.hu/
https://www.djc.yolasite.com/
https://authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/4b0d4a81-c853-4192-9bee-b9dd805cabcb/cailed/
https://jottify.com/writer/cailed/
All Rights Are Reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer’s imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locale or organizations is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © Dani J Caile 2012
Too Dull to Die
Table of Contents
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
1
“What…?” Guido was up with a start. He looked over at his alarm clock which read 2:33. 2:33am? That was strange. The earliest he’d ever been up in his whole entire life was 5:52. He should know, he kept a record of it. Listening for a moment, there was nothing, so he settled his head back down on the pillow. Over in the corner of his room was his luggage, two bags filled to the correct baggage allowance on the flight to the ship, enough clothes for 10 days before having to use the self-service laundrettes onboard. His tickets were still on his bedside table. In his 34 years 5 months and 14 days not-so-interesting life, he was finally about to embark on his greatest adventure, his first adventure. His only adventure. Four months on a world cruise. Closing his eyes, he shot straight up again once he’d heard the cough.
“What? Who…who? Who’s there?” He fumbled for his bedside light but couldn’t turn it on.
“Sorry.”
“What?” As much as he tried, he couldn’t switch the light on.
“Here, allow me.” A dark figure appeared and switched it on. Guido jumped right out of bed on the opposite side from the stranger.
“Who the hell are you? What…what are you doing in my bedroom?” The stranger moved out of the light and sat back in the chair where he was obviously sitting when he’d coughed.
“Relax, relax, calm down. There’s nothing to worry about.”
“What? Nothing to worry about? I wake up at…” Guido peered at his alarm clock. “I wake up at 2:34 am in my own bedroom to find you sitting in my chair! And there’s nothing to worry about? I’m calling the police.” Guido rushed over to his telephone on the top of his chest of drawers.
“Really? Fine, go ahead. I’d like to see that.” Guido kept his eye on the stranger as he went to pick up the receiver. He couldn’t. He started grabbing at it with both hands but it still wouldn’t move.
“What? Why? What’s…what’s going on?”
“You’re dead.”
“What?”
“I said you’re dead.”
“I’m dead?”
“Yes. What part of ‘you’re dead’ don’t you understand? I know some of you monkeys are thick, but…”
“I’m dead?”
“Yes. Your ticker, your heart decided to stop about 10 minutes ago. I’ve been sitting here waiting for you to appear.” Guido saw the stranger was typing something into a phone of sorts.
“I’m dead.”
“Ah, finally, acceptance.”
“Acceptance? That I’m dead?”
“Yes, sometimes souls take a while to accept their situation.” Guido looked himself up and down. As far as he saw, he looked fine. Dressed in an old Vikings t-shirt, blue boxers and brown socks, but fine all the same. “Strange.”
“Wha…what’s strange? That I’m dead?”
“No, not that. It’s strange that you’ve been out for over five minutes now, and you haven’t changed yet.”
“Changed? I’m dead. Of course I’ve changed. A few minutes ago I was sleeping soundly, alive. And now I’m dead.” This was all too much for Guido. “I think that’s enough change for one day, thank you very much.” The stranger laughed. “And…and who are you? Who the hell are you?”
“Whatever you want to call me. Death, Anubis, Yama, Thanatos, Cronus, Saturn even, but I’m usually called the Grim Reaper. My chosen name’s Graham, by the way. Graham Reader.”
“Nice pun, G.R.” Guido loved details.
“Thanks. Better than my given name.” The stranger, Graham, looked at his phone again. “Your name, however, is…”
“Irritating?” Guido had heard this opinion all his life.
“Yes. How ever did you survive school with a name like that?”
“I didn’t.”
“Right.”
“What are you looking at?” Guido was dead, there was surely nothing worse than that, but the way this man was looking at him made him uneasy.
“You still haven’t changed.”
“Changed? Into what? I’m dead. What am I meant to change into?”
“A soul.”
“A soul? So what am I now?”
“Inbetween.” Graham was still fiddling with that phone. “I don’t get it, you’re on my list.” Guido sat down on the bed, or at least gave the impression of sitting on the bed, he felt it had less substance than before.
“I’m dead.”
“Yes.”
“And you’re the Grim Reaper.”
“Graham. Yes. I see you weren’t exactly top of your class, were you?”
“’I’m dead’. It’s a bit…straight forward, isn’t it?”
“Mmm, I guess so.”
“Surely you’ve done this before. Couldn’t you have broken it to me a bit nicer, more subtle even?”
“You’re dead, what does it matter?”
“What? Couldn’t you have said something like ‘I’m terribly sorry to tell you this but you have just passed away in your sleep’ or something?”
“Could’ve done.”
“And?”
“Didn’t. I’m done with all that. See this?” Graham showed Guido his clothes, normal clothes bordering on boring. “Not the old black hood and cloak, is it? I haven’t worn anything like that for centuries. Too theatrical, it scares people. Why scare them? They’ve just died, they don’t need some bloke in a frightening hood to come along and say ‘I am Death. I have come for you.’”
Guido laughed. “Yeah, that’s good, that.” Guido sat for a while, contemplating his death. He was a little disappointed that Death was named Graham, and that he wasn’t wearing a black hood.
“Still nothing. This is very strange.”
“Well, you’d know it. In what way?”
“You should’ve changed by now, into your original form as a soul. But you haven’t, you’re still holding onto your monkey.”
“Holding onto my what?” This man was different, very different.
“When you die, the soul appears, contemplates its life for a few moments, and if it finds it had a good experience, it’s happy to change into its original form. Then it can go ‘up above’.”
“Oh, right.” Guido waited patiently for something to happen, as he’d done his whole life. His whole life of nothing, waiting for instructions, standing in queues, watching TV, answering phones. His mind went blank, so he looked around and glanced at Gr
aham’s clothing. “Nice treads.”
“Nice? Dull. They have to be so I don’t stick out in a crowd.”
“Oh.” Guido thought about his life, but couldn’t decide whether it was good or not. “You know, I had a job, my own flat, but now that I think about it, that’s all I had. No friends, no social life, nothing. Watched a bit of TV here and there, ordered a pizza occasionally. But nothing extravagent. Woke up at the right time, brushed my teeth twice a day, did my job. Nothing I’d call fantastically good. Pizza was always Margherita, too, I never could quite push myself to get the Hawaii.” Guido saw Graham nodding and looking at some kind of watch he had. “Funny thing is, later on today I was going to start something interesting, something really interesting. I was going on a world cruise, I even took four months from my holiday entitlement just to do it. And now…and now…I die?”
“Shame.”
“Sorry?”
“Shame. Life just isn’t fair, is it?”
“Sorry? Life? Don’t you mean death?”
“Whatever.”
“Whatever? I’m sitting here dead, and I’ve just realised that I spent my whole life doing nothing, living by the rules, trying not to hurt anyone, waiting for something to happen…”
“Oh, that’s why.”
“What?” Guido was upset that Graham had interrupted his flow of thought.
“Why you’re on
