How to Twist a Dragon's Tale (Hiccup)

  How to Twist a Dragon's Tale (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III #5)

  Cressida Cowell

  [Map: Map of the Barbaric Archipelago during the first summer for 100 years.]

  CONTENTS

  1. The Herding-Reindeer-on-Dragonback Lesson............................1

  2. The Exterminators.............................................................15

  3. The Firetrap.....................................................................37

  4. The Fight........................................................................49

  5. Who Is the Man on the White Dragon? ....................................56

  6. Hiccup's Bardiguard Has a Busy Time......................................81

  7. The Tale of Humungously Hotshot the Bardiguard......................105

  8. The Twist in the Bardiguard's Tale.........................................111

  9. How Do You Take Advice from Someone Who

  Has Taken a Vow of Silence? ...............................................119

  10. A Meeting of The Thing..................................................123

  11. The-Quest-to-Stop-Volcano-from-Exploding..........................141

  12. Welcome to Lava-Lout Island............................................146

  13. Meanwhile, Back on Berk.................................................156

  14. Is it Always Nice to Bump into an Old

  Acquaintance? ................................................................159

  15. I Didn't Mean to Come Here............................................177

  16. Another Fight.............................................................182

  17, Just Exactly When Is Too Late? .........................................200

  18. Can You Outrun an Exploding Volcano? .............................204

  19. Is the Universe a Good Egg or a Bad Egg? ..........................220

  20. When the Play Is Over..................................................229

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  [Image: Hiccup.]

  [Image: Camicazi.]

  [Image: TOOTHLESS hiccup's disobedient little dragon.]

  [Image: Sevot face Shot lout.]

  [Image: Clue and his hunt FLAC.]

  [Image: STOICK THE VAST Hiccup's father and chief of the Hooligan Tribe (taught but dim)]

  [Image: Hiccup's best friend FISHLEGS.]

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  PROLOGUE BY HICCUP HORRENDOUS HADDOCK III THE LAST OF THE GREAT VIKING HEROES

  There were Heroes when I was a boy.

  Now that I am an old, old man, with white in my hair and wrinkles on my cheeks, it seems a long time ago.

  So I shall tell this story as if it happened to somebody else, because the boy I once was is so distant to me now, that he might as well be a stranger.

  Here is the story of a Hero I met when I was eleven years old and about to embark on one of the most dangerous Quests of my Life, the Quest to Stop the Volcano from Exploding.

  He was a very great man, but he didn't want to be a Hero anymore ...

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  [Insert: I am an EXTERMINATOR Imprisoned in my Egg T can see through the clear transparent walls of the shell I cannot break After fifteen years of scratching I look out upon the world That I am dying to IGNITE, and Over the years, my fury has been simmering, stewing, boiled and now it is SMOKING HOT.]

  [Image: One eye]

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  1. THE HERDING-REINDEER-ON-DRAGONBACK LESSON

  Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third never forgot the day he met an Exterminator Dragon for the very first time.

  How could he?

  It was one of the most terrifying experiences of his short, adventurous life.

  There he was, sitting in the middle of a circle of fire which was getting smaller and smaller, with no way out, and prowling through the flames, getting closer and closer, were these sinister leopard-like shapes, the slinking silhouettes of Exterminator Dragons sharpening their talons and getting ready to leap --

  Hang on a second.

  I had better start at the beginning.

  It all took place during a heat wave in August, which was surprising, for Augusts in the Viking territories were normally rather cool, wet affairs. But it had been growing hotter and hotter over the course of the summer, and as the temperatures rose, Hiccup's grandfather Old Wrinkly had been babbling on about how the unexpected warmth was a terrible Omen of Doom, and a new kind of Terror-Dragon had awoken

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  in the West, and would descend upon them all with Fire and Destruction ...

  But unfortunately nobody really took Old Wrinkly seriously, because he wasn't very good at looking into the future.

  [Image: Light.]

  On this particular day, the sun was

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  beating down relentlessly on the usually soggy Isle of Berk as if it had lost its way and thought it was in Africa.

  There was not a cloud (let alone an Exterminator Dragon) in the sky.

  Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, only son of Chief Stoick the Vast, was in the Hooligan Pirate Training Program on the Isle of Berk.

  His teacher, Gobber the Belch, had decided that on this particularly still, stuffy summer's day, when all you really wanted to do was to find a nice tree and lie gasping underneath it, downing lots of drinking-horns of nice cool water, it would, in fact, be an EXCELLENT idea to hold a Herding-Reindeer-on-Dragonback lesson.

  Hiccup did not agree with Gobber the Belch.

  [Image: Clouds of midges.]

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  But Gobber the Belch had not asked Hiccup's opinion on the matter.

  And Gobber the Belch was a six-and-a-half-foot axe-wielding lunatic who was not the kind of teacher you argued with.

  So there they all were, all twelve pupils on the Program, standing in a hot, bedraggled, wilting line, halfway up Huge Hill, swatting off the midges that were gathering in great clouds in the still and steamy air.

  There was Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, rather surprisingly the Hero of this story, for he was extremely ordinary-looking, with bright-red hair that shot straight up in the air whatever you did to it, and no obvious Heroic qualities.

  There was Hiccup's best friend Fishlegs, the only boy on the Pirate Training Program who was even worse at being a Viking than Hiccup was. He had asthma, eczema, short-sight, flat-feet, knock-knees, an allergy to reptiles, heather, and animal fur, and he couldn't swim. He bore a strong resemblance to a string bean wearing glasses.

  There was Snotface Snotlout. A delightful boy -- if you happen to like unpleasant teenagers with skull tattoos who bully anything that moves and is smaller than them.

  4-

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  There was Tuffnut Junior. A pleasure to meet -- if you happen to like meeting pimply young plug-uglies who pick their noses and sleep with an axe under their pillows.

  And Dogsbreath the Duhbrain, the largest, sweatiest, and smelliest of the lot of them, had all the grace and charm of a pig in a helmet.

  There they all were, this horrid collection of spotty Viking preteens, and Gobber was shouting at them in his usual cheery fashion.

  [Image: Fishlegs and Horrorcow.]

  [Image: Shot lout swatting the midges.]

  "RIGHT!" yelled Gobber, the sweat pouring down his lobster-red cheeks and into his beard,

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  [Image: A man]

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  turning it as limp and steamy as a jungle rainforest. "I PRESUME YOU HAVE ALL BROUGHT YOUR HUNTING DRAGONS?"

  They had all brought their hunting dragons. All except for Cl
ueless, who really was so stupid that he shouldn't have been allowed out without a guardian. He had brought his hunting FLAGON, which wasn't the same thing at all.

  But everybody else had brought their hunting dragons.

  Most of the hunting dragons were looking as cross at being called out on this mission as their Masters were, panting heavily with their forked tongues hanging out, and swishing their tails to keep off the midges and the flies.

  Snotlout's dragon, Fireworm, who looked a bit like a flame-red Rottweiler with a face like a snooty alligator, was curling dangerously around Snotlout's legs, wondering whether she would get in trouble if she gave Gobber a big fat bite on his big fat hairy bottom.

  If it was a big enough chomp, it might just stop the lesson while Gobber went to the Hospital Hut...

  But, reluctantly, she decided that she would get in trouble.

  Fishlegs's dragon, Horrorcow, the only vegetarian

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  hunting dragon anybody has ever heard of, had gone to sleep in Fishlegs's arms on the way up, and Fishlegs was trying to hold her head up in a way that looked like she was awake, and listening intently, because Gobber had strong views on how everybody at the lesson really ought to be conscious.

  And all the other dragons were lounging at their Masters' feet, or hovering limply a little way above their Masters' heads, wishing they were somewhere else.

  Hiccup's hunting dragon, Toothless, was by far the smallest, a bright green little Common-or-Garden dragon, about the size of a naughty dachshund, or Jack Russell terrier.

  He was also the only dragon showing the same amount of enthusiasm for this expedition as Gobber.

  He was fidgeting in and out of Hiccup's waistcoat in a whirl of impatience, scurrying up his shirt, his little claws tickling Hiccup's tummy, and then up out the collar and onto Hiccup's head. Then he would perch on Hiccup's helmet, spreading his wings and hooting in short, excitable bursts before scampering back down Hiccup's body again.

  "Are we s-s-starting yet? Are we s-s-starting?" chirped Toothless. "When are we going to start?

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  H-h-how many minutes? C-e-cab T-T-Toathess go first? Me! Me! M-m me!"

  " Calm down, Toothless," said Hiccup, as Toothless accidentally stuck his claw up Hiccup's nostril on the way down. "We've only just got here." *

  "OK, BOYS, LISTEN UP!" bellowed Gobber. "Herding reindeer is a lot like herding sheep, but reindeer are bigger."

  Clueless put his hand up.

  "Which is bigger?" asked Clueless.

  "Sheep are the round fluffy ones, and reindeers are the larger ones with the pointy things on their heads," explained Fishlegs kindly.

  "Thank you, Fishlegs," said Gobber. "You will use your hunting dragon to round up any stray reindeer that try to break away from the group we are herding. It's a chance to put into practice all that you have learned in your Herding Sheep lessons."

  "I don't know how Hiccup the Useless is ever going to be the chief of this tribe," sneered Snotlout, "when he can't even keep control of that minuscule

  *Hiccup was the only Hooligan who could understand Dragonese, the language that dragons spoke to each other.

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  microbe of a dragon of his. Look what happened last Herding Sheep lesson."

  Toothless had lost his head on that occasion, and single-handedly CHARGED the flock and chased it into the Dragon Toilets. (He claimed it was an accident, but Hiccup had his suspicions.)

  It had taken three-quarters of an hour to get the sheep out of the Toilets, and they still stunk to high heaven four weeks later.

  "But the main business of the herding," continued Gobber, "will be performed by YOU on your RIDING DRAGONS..."

  "C-c-can Toothless EAT the reindeer when he catch them?" squeaked Toothless.

  "NOBODY is going to be EATIN any reindeer, Toothless!" whispered Hiccup. "And we're not going to chase them, either. This is herding, not chasing. We will just be gently guiding the reindeer in the right direction."

  "Oft," said Toothless, hugely disappointed.

  "... None of you have ridden dragons before," Gobber boomed, "and you will find it is more difficult than you think. And therefore the dragons that you will be riding on today are NOT YET FULLY

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  GROWN. This means that they will not have the strength to carry you up into the air."

  "Oh, Sir ..." groaned Snotlout, "I thought we were going to be FLYING today."

  "First you learn to ride," said Gobber, "and then later, MUCH LATER, you learn to fly. You fall off a flying dragon, Snotlout, and you will end up a SQUASHED Viking. Which would be difficult for me to explain to your father."

  "Can T-T-Toothless just eat a verysmall one?" asked Toothless, in a very small voice.

  "No," whispered Hiccup.

  "So, ON our riding dragons, we will approach the reindeer QUIETLY -- no farting, Dogsbreath -- and we will carefully surround the herd and see whether we can guide it back toward Hooligan Village "Any questions so far? Yes, Clueless?"

  "Which were the round fluffy ones again?" asked

  Clueless.

  Gobber sighed.

  "The round fluffy ones are the SHEEP, Clueless, they're the SHEEP. Now. You will find the riding dragons rather a lively ride. They are just over here -- WHERE ARE THE RIDING DRAGONS?"

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  asked Gobber in exasperation. "They were supposed to be following us."

  "I think they're over there, sir," said Fishlegs, pointing to a small, twisted tree a little way away.

  The riding dragons were looking far from lively. They were lying in the shade, resting their heads on their paws, their forked tongues hanging out.

  Gobber strode toward them, clapping his hands and shouting, "COME ON, UP YOU GO THERE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TERRIFYING, FOR THOR'S SAKE!"

  And as the riding dragons got to their feet, and slunk toward their Masters through the browned and shriveled heather like a pack of surly lions, Hiccup realized something that really WAS terrifying.

  Something that gave a small indication that perhaps the day might take an unexpected turn.

  The tree the riding dragons had been sheltering under was blasted and twisted and reduced to carbon. All around the tree were scorch-marks. And when Hiccup moved a little closer to investigate, he found to his horror that the entire hillside behind had been burnt to a cinder and turned to sooty desert.

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  Where once heather grew and swayed in the wind, covered with butterflies and grasshoppers and buzzing nanodragons, now there was only ashy stubble, scarred across with white, stretching out across the whole of the slope.

  Only one thing could do that to a hillside, and it wasn't the sun, however fiercely it might shine.

  It was FIRE.

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  2. THE EXTERMINATORS

  Hiccup swallowed hard.

  "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh DEAR," he muttered to himself. "What has done that?"

  Dragons, you see, were normally very careful about how they used their fire. They used it to fight and catch prey, but they would never dream of setting fire to a whole landscape. Why would they? It was the land that supported them, and gave them food, and shelter.

  This must have been done by a "Rogue Species," a different kind of dragon entirely.

  Hiccup did not like to think of how dangerous such a dragon might be.

  "Ummm, sir," said Hiccup, "I think you should come and have a look at this ... I think there's been a dragon-fire here."

  "Dragon-fire? Nonsense and gull-droppings!" Gobber the Belch snorted, as he came to look at the destruction, his hands on his hips. "This will have been caused by a spot of summer lightning."

  "There hasn't been a storm lately," said Hiccup, "and look," he said as he knelt in the dust. "There's a

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  sort of greenish tinge to the ash. It's definitely a Rogue Dragon Species."

  "Thank you, Hiccup," said Gobber, with heavy sarcasm, "for the helpful lecture
, but I am the teacher here. GET BACK INTO LINE!"

  Hiccup got back into line.

  Snotlout smirked to see Hiccup being told off.

  "No dragon, however Rogue, would DARE to attack us here in the Hooligan stronghold of Berk. The idea is RIDICULOUS, ABSURD, BIZARRE. It is not the done thing," roared Gobber. "Each of you mount your dragons! On the double, QUICK QUICK QUICK!"

  Wartihog climbed onto his Marsh Tiger. Snotface Snotlout was riding the best dragon there, a smooth, evil-looking Devilish Dervish.

  Tuffnut Junior had a Rocket Ripper with go-faster stripes along the sides.

  "Hiccup the Useless and his fishlegged failure of a friend are really letting the rest of us down, Sir," sneered Snotlout. "Look at their pathetic riding dragons. They're a disgrace to the tribe!"

  Fishlegs and Hiccup had the runts of the group, one an ugly, cross little Chickenpoxer so fat its belly barely cleared the ground, the other a nervous Windwalker with a wild look in its eye, and a pronounced limp.

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  As the son of the Chief, Hiccup had first pick when they went to choose their dragons from the Dragon Stables a few days earlier. And he could have chosen the Devilish Dervish that Snotlout was smugly sitting on right now, a superb, shining muscular creature, who was clearly one day going to grow up into a magnificent animal.

  But something about the poor nervous Windwalker had caught Hiccup's eye.

  [Image: The Cross little Chicken poxer.]

  He knew no one else would pick him.

  And somehow he had the feeling that something

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  awful had happened to the anxious creature lolloping crookedly in front of him. His legs bore the marks of having recently been in manacles.