Pillow Thoughts
By
Courtney Peppernell
Illustrations by Rosy Bullot
Written and produced in Australia.
Copyright © 2016 by Courtney Peppernell.
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the user of brief quotations in a book review. The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or any other means without the permission of the author is not permitted.
ISBN: 9781539170389
contactcourtneypeppernell@gmail.com
Acknowledgements
I would just like to thank Emma Batting for editing this book, James De’Bono my manager, Mike Bullot for his work on the book cover design & graphics, Denise Bentulan and lastly to Polgarus Studio for their wonderful formatting skills. Without the talent of those involved, this book would not have been possible.
And I would like to especially thank Rosy Bullot for her artwork in this book. I was never one to think about creating a poetry book, but somehow my words and your illustrations just seem to fit … like two peas in a pod.
For Rhian, my family & you
Before we begin, I’d like to share a story.
Once upon a time there was a jellyfish. We’ll call it
You.
You became lost sometimes
You could be a little unsure
You tried very hard
But sometimes it didn’t feel like enough.
I hate to spoil the ending
But You is fine
You is still here
You is going to make it.
Table of Thoughts
If you are dreaming of someone
If you are in love
If you are heartbroken
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are missing someone
If you need encouragement
If you are soul-searching
If you need a reason to stay
These are for you
If you are dreaming of someone
Flowers on your Doorstep
You deserve flowers on your doorstep
and coffee in the morning.
You deserve notes left on your dashboard
and ice cream sundaes at 3am.
You deserve honesty every day
and to be kissed every hour.
You deserve to be reminded
how beautiful you are.
And if you let me
I’ll show you every day.
I promise.
I thought about kissing you today
and yesterday
and the day before that.
I know I’ll think about kissing you
tomorrow
and the day after that
and some more days after those days.
I think about kissing you
slowly
and tracing my fingers along
your lips.
I think about kissing you
in your car, in the rain, on your doorstep.
I think about kissing your
dimple, your cheek, your spot.
I think about kissing only you,
not anyone else,
just you.
I have been a little off balance since the day I met you. This is because I had never known what it is like to be perfectly aligned.
I’d treat you like the sky.
I’d join up all your insecurities
bundle all your flaws
into a new constellation
and search for it endlessly.
I know you don’t see yourself
the way I see you
and you still argue
when I call you beautiful.
But all the things you can’t stand
about yourself
are all the things I can’t
go a day without.
I think if you let me
I’d build an observatory
just to show you
that all the stars in the universe
will never shine as bright
as you.
If I loved you, then you’d become my balloon. I’d tie your string to my finger, and I’d never let you float away. Until one day, when you wanted, we’d float away together.
We should kiss.
Not because you passed my way by chance,
but because you stopped
and I haven’t been the same since.
I never expected you to get under my skin, but now your name runs through my veins and I can’t help but let every part of you in.
You’re covered in all these broken promises
from people who said they would never leave
Sometimes afraid of your own skin
and the scars that run deep in your veins.
Are you ready
Are you ready
for someone who could turn you inside out?
No one dares to peel back all the layers of your skin
All this damage,
you’re a mess.
Are you ready
Are you ready
Because I want your damaged skin.
This is me.
I am the eye of the storm and my heart is a little broken.
But if you want me, I’m yours.
I am in awe of even the way you walk, and yet you walk right past me.
But what else am I supposed to do
when your hair is soft and your eyes are blue.
And my heart turns over at the sound of your name
only you smile at me the way friends usually do.
I am more of a mess than a rainy day
because you have no idea I feel this way.
The aches in my arms still surprise me, even years after letting you go.
You are the freckle on my nose and I am the freckle on my back. We share the same space but we will never be together.
I swore I would never be happy again the day you said let’s just be friends. But the world goes on even when lovers go their separate ways. So I will carry on in the hopes I’ll find another lover someday.
Your heart is the sun and its gravity
Pulls me closer to you each day.
But the sun destroys all that it touches
At least this is what they say.
Life is too short for games unless it’s a game of cards.
Don’t text back right away, if you like them pretend you don’t, and don’t you dare say I love you first. Well screw all that.
I will text you back in three seconds, I will tell you that I like you, and if I love you I’ll tell you every chance I get.
Life is unpredictable, and I’d rather play every card as honestly as I can than have a deck full of regrets and what ifs.
Often I wonder
what it may take for someone’s heart to grow cold
and I think perhaps the reason is because
their heart was left out in the rain.
And so on rainy days I struggle
because I still don’t know how to convince you
that I will be outside in the storm
with an umbrella just big enough
to cover your heart.
A Mulberry Tree and a Park Bench
There is a mulberry tree and a park bench. I sit with a flower in my lap and watch as you pretend not to notice me. Some days you sit next to me on the park bench and you inch closer, and we both blush at the chance of meeting again. But here we are on the park bench with the mulberry tree all because you did notice me.
We don’t speak with words.
We speak with a gentle brushing of shoulders, a look across the room, a door opened, a smile as we pass each other, a racing heart as I see you coming up the driveway.
There is power in silence,
and while we don’t say a word,
we both know we only want each other.
We cannot all be artists
and I must admit I do not know how to paint
But if I were to take a palette
all my colours would be of you
If you are in love
You remind me of home,
of all the simple things in life,
of light and love and the reasons I am not alone.
You remind me of hope,
of the sea and the sky,
every hug and every kiss from your lips to your thighs.
I have flown around the world and met no one like you
because you are all the things I keep coming back to.
Love is not always roses, honey and tea. Sometimes it is difficult being you, and sometimes it is difficult being me. And in the night if we are restless and our love struggles to make sense, know that I will fight for us. Because I love you, and I know that you love me.
I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful at 3am. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful before coffee and after coffee and in between. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful with messy hair and eyes half closed. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when you put on your black dress or wear your slippers to the grocery store. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when you have headphones in and you’re not listening to a thing I say. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when you’re laughing or crying or when we’re arguing. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when you fail an exam and when you top your class. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when you can’t find the car keys or you buy new shoes or want ice cream late at night. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when you’re late for a meeting or you burn all the cookies because you didn’t follow the packet recipe. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when the sun is rising and setting or when the day is cloudy or the rain is falling. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when the night is warm and the stars are shining. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful in front of museums and at concerts and while building sandcastles. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful before the movie and after the movie and while buying popcorn. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful while you’re cleaning or drawing or writing. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful when the plane is landing or we’re catching a cab or we’re walking hand in hand through a park covered in snow. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful in front of my parents and my friends and in front of yours, too. I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful just because I think you are, and even if sometimes you don’t think you’re beautiful and you feel just a little worn out, how beautiful I think you are will never be worn out to me.
They say don’t fall in love with writers
because their poems
are messy
and their letters
are empty words
dressed up to look pretty.
But I say
fall in love with me
because underneath the mess
and in between the lines
is a heart too full of love
that would follow you to any city.
Darling,
kiss me like you need
to feel safe
Because my lips want to know
all the places
you have been hurt
So they can make all the pain
drift away
If I were to build a house
I’d have your arms as the walls
Your eyes as the windows
Your smile as the front door
Your heart as the fireplace
And your soul as my light
And in this house
I’d place my faith
Knowing I’d finally
Found a home
You know sometimes it’s the little details
that take up the most room in your heart.
How nervous they get
when you tell them you think they’re beautiful,
the way they laugh
even if it’s not supposed to be funny,
the way they reach for you and they find you through the dark
even if their eyes are
closed.
There are things I cannot control
and memories I can never erase,
and in the times I don’t feel whole
I will always search for your face.
You are every star burning in the sky,
you are every golden leaf in the tallest tree,
you are a pattern, a snowflake and every firefly,
and I will still love you even when we’re eighty-three.
I will stand by you in every new day
even when people seem so unkind
because you are beautiful despite what they say
and you are everything I’ve wanted to find.
For all the places in which we go
for one day you might be my wife,
I think we both already know
I am yours in every life.
Love,
I know in my heart without a doubt
even if I can never find the words to say
You are the one I am crazy about,
you are the one I fall for every day.
When everything doesn’t feel right
I look at you
my sun, my moon, the morning light
my happiness when all is blue.
With you I am always safe
and every day you make my heart race.
You are my home, my friend,
my saving grace.
Kissing you feels like the start of a new season, the sun in the early morning, and moonlight reflecting on the ocean. There is never a moment that I don’t think about your lips and how they make me feel when they are on mine.
If you are in love and the love is returned, be grateful. Because if you take love for granted, it will be overturned.
I was lying beside you
and you had this half smile
because my hands
were drifting down your spine.
And you looked at me
and I lost track of everything
Because I realised
just how badly
I want under your skin.
I wrote this thinking about you
and how if you were a novel,
You’d be an adventure of sadness and happiness
and love lost in between.
You would remind me of the sky and mountains
and constellations and caffeine.
You would be full of pages
that make me laugh and other times fall apart,
You would smell like history with a worn out spine
and ink that could still bleed.
You would always be the novel
I took down from the shelf to read.
I like to dream about mirrors,
That there is a mirror world somewhere
A little like ours but different at the same time
And you and I are different
But we are together.
I like to believe whatever world we are in
We are in love
And together.
Of all the maps in the world, the only one I will follow is the map to your heart.
I had a dream that I was under my skin,
lost and wandering around my body.
And in my mind there were pictures hanging on the wall,
and they were of all the people I had ever loved.
But in my heart there was only one picture frame,
and it took up nearly every space.
A single frame,
of you.
People should fall in love more. Fall in love with the way your coffee swirls as soon as you pour the milk in. Fall in love with the look your dog gives you when you wake up. Fall in love with the rare moment when your cat doesn’t ignore you. Fall in love with the person who tells you to have a good day. Fall in love with the waiter who gives you extra chili fries. Fall in love with sweaters in winter and cold lemonade in summer. Fall in love with the moment your head hits the pillow. Fall in love with talking to someone until 4am. Fall in love with the days you can hit the snooze button over and over again. Fall in love when a lover stares at you for five hours. Fall in love with the stars when they look at you. Fall in love with the sound of someone breathing. Fall in love with the bus if it’s on time or the train if it comes early. Fall in love with everything possible.