Pygmy

  Assembled crowd cheering students, chanting single voice, “Pygmy!” Chanting, “Pygmy!” Cheering, “Pygmy!”

  Clutches Doris Lilly pinch shoulder operative me, parrot finger clench clavicle bone so peel this agent away host mother. Steer so this agent directed path of boarding aircraft. Making ancient hand to wave upon retreating host mother. Gesturing farewell, Doris Lilly say,“‘Afterwards you rue the fact that you’ve been so kind.’”

  For official record… no possible.

  Withered madam precise quote furious leader, ruthless general Adolf Hitler.

  Black tunic appareled this agent, “Property of Jesus,” printed eye water abandoned host mother.

  Host mother stoop until face level with face operative me. Mother purse lips of face, offer gesture to contact lips against face skin of this agent in expression so demonstrate affection.

  Quote, “Afterwards you rue the fact that you’ve been so kind.”

  In opposition past history, infamous day separated from female parentage for vocational testing, feet operative me retreat from entry aircraft, make sprint, flee returned upon host mother. Accept proffered embrace. Pressure lips this agent against chicken mother face cheek, sodium chloride taste eye water. Pursed lips making gesture meaning affection.

  Next then, exited for flight, mouth operative me flavored lingering salt of mother’s great sorrow. Bound for infinite destruction.

  Dispatch

  Thirty-fifth

  Begins here, today of this agent’s noble demise.

  For official record, squander final dawn housed luxury hotel . Observe television viewing appliance, program . Witness American president speak small announcement, likely by night of today president in addition deceased. Millions deceased. Careful hands operative me pack final preparation, steel metal canister approximate size can for refuse. In actual, formerly galvanized can housing garbage. Stenciled encircling exterior can, English letter words: “Peace Machine.” Executed utilizing Day-Glo pink-color paint. Garnished many depictions daisy plant, singing bluebird trilling musical note. Decorated plethora arched rainbow. Scripted more-small letters, labeled “Path to Permanent Global Peace.”

  Invention so eradicate every strife within single generation humanity. Craft world happy sunshine peace. Beneficent lovely flower peace.

  Into mirror of toilet room, this agent offer face shining facsimile expression smile. Practice briefly repeating lips operative me making multiple such false smile.

  Next then, set timing device of science fair project. Adjust so explode amid afternoon height of exhibition, surrounded most numerous crowd. Activate this agent trigger of exploding mechanism. Abrade teeth operative me using paste of tooth. Organize head hair using comb. Apparel this agent placing legs through holes sterile inner pants. Doff white blouse associated attendance worship shrine, bind neck operative me knotted silk banner. Make small parade, encumbered deadly machine, direction hotel elevator. Limbs operative me embracing can for carry, ear of this agent pressed to steel metal so listen quiet tick-tick of timing device, hidden within.

  Such opposite pulse of mother heart muscle.

  For official record, escorted by chaperone Doris Lilly, journey of taxi automobile destination vast assembly hall Smithsonian Institute. Enormous vaulted hall. Incorporated among infinite doomed fellow student. All clutching, carry project in transit. Forever muscles operative me tensioned for possible “Peace Machine” premature explode. Girded loins always for imminent die. Forever flooded perspiration until deadly gadget ensconced center exhibition space, surrounded multitudes venomous American vipers.

  Secret, in nervous, this agent reciting whisper of elements, “Mercury, molybdenum, marijuana…”

  All entire generation operatives present: Magda, Tibor, and Ling. Tanek, Chernok, and Sheena. Bokara, Oleg, and Otto. Vaky, Metro, and Mang. All staunched for await inevitable demise, beaming false expression smile. Engaging American baboons, invite for make a more close inspection “Peace Machine.”

  Many such oblivious United State citizen approach this agent, inquire if actually Pygmy of school rescue fame. Reverent Pygmy, renowned for spoiled slaughter delegates. Such curious onlookers queue for attain autographed paper marked this agent. Cluster dense surrounding faint tick-tick death machine.

  Chaperone Doris Lilly, red wax lips beaming. Assembled operatives beaming.

  This today, culmination whole lifetime. Purpose determined best service to state.

  Infiltrate hive, den, pit American predators. Murder vile overlords.

  Revenge savage terrorist slaughter parentage operative me.

  For ignore memory cat sister, thinking machine operative me recite, Strontium, sulfur, spandex…

  Recite, Lithium, Librium, latex…

  Recite, Radium, radon, Rachael Stodard…

  Hand crafting word Pygmy atop papers. Hand agitating offered hands American strangers.

  Next now, voice say, “Hey.” Female voice. Face of host sister.

  Embedded among crowd American vermin for assassinate—cat sister. This now—sister present self. Leering face of half smile, host sister say, “You fucked up my science project …” Say, “Now I’m here to return the favor.”

  Strident voice operative me, making screech say, insist best top important cat sister flee this venue. Hurry flee this instant. Next whisper, control voice, say imminent soon detonate “Peace Machine,” raining death down upon all in attendance.

  Cat sister merely rotate skull one direction, rotate skull opposite direction, repeat to make head meaning “no.”

  For official record, this agent launched amid personal vast crisis. Most happy enough for kill infinite random American swine, grasping, jostling, crowds American rodents. Avenge parentage operative me… Erase influence vile United State culture corrupting global villagers… Delete starving American citizen appetite consuming all world resources…

  Solely no able include murder glorious cat sister.

  Eyes all fellow operatives cast upon this tableau. Suspicious apparent scenario.

  Pitched whisper, voice operative me say, “Affectionate comrade.” Say, “Required immediate exit this doomed city.”

  Explain this agent, contained vessel “Peace Machine” many fortunes paper American legal tender. Numerous weight pounds and kilograms monetary bills American money. Cash stolen out contribution plates community worship shrine. Vast fortune such currency wealth, compressed above miniature explosive charge. Upon impending now, almost arrived now, shall device explode showering all in attendance with windfall denominations mass quantity United State paper money.

  Stealth sister merely look in return, no blink.

  Explain this agent, on occasion device triggered, greedy capitalist citizens melee for gather filthy lucre. Million hundred hands grasp-snatch dirty currency.

  Stealth sister remain looking, no blink.

  According procedure required Operation Havoc, all such released money tainted neurotoxin. Catalyst ten days, trigger death of individuals exposed. No cure. No escape. Tainted money spent into circulation expected generate infinite additional more casualty. All present to die. All accepting such money—die. Toxic American money predicted spread until kill all capitalists.

  Cat sister poised, brow muscle knotted in expression frustration. Roll eyeball, say, “So, you’re telling me that you’re a terrorist…?”

  No, this agent explain own self as operative promoting freedom native glorious homeland.

  “Whatever,” say host sister.

  “It’s not that I don’t believe you,” say host sister. Say, “But I’m still going to wreck your project.” Next now, sister dive forward lunge. Delve hands so gripping refuse can of “Peace Machine.” Wrestling for overturn vessel, attempt to fail execution death machine. Foil objective flying flurry killer money.

  Same now, ancient skeleton Doris Lilly stride present. Stricken, withered corpse fingers grip own gray curls, yank so reveal scalp shaved of hair. Shining pate. Cadaver mouth expectora
te prosthetic teeth so clatter across exhibition flooring. Waxed red lips curl, whole sinew frame assume stance hideous ninja assassin, posture top high battling arts warrior. Balance all muscle into striking position Giant Stork Death Kick. Scream attack challenge.

  Same now, sister activate siren of rapes, create emitting ear-pierce screaming horn. Blinding loud so fill all location.

  Wal-Mart slave Doris Lilly revealed as mole superoperative, buried secret agent for ensure success Operation Havoc. Bony skeleton looming power, poised so launch deadly fatal blow upon cat sister.

  Feet operative me, flying elbows this agent, spring landing sock-block, Soaring Condor Double Strike maneuver, blocking fatal strike. This agent toppling superior talent superagent Doris Lilly. Body muscle operative me committing full treason. Betray own thinking machine this agent.

  Instant quick then, Madam Cadaver spring returned to fighting stance. Reinforced also, flanked ready killing limbs operative Tibor. Backed slashing death kicks operative Mang. Chernok. Sheena. All agent ranked along superagent in opposition solely operative me.

  Siren shrieking scream.

  Launching then Flying Tree Squirrel zoom-grab, Flying Hyena lash-pow, Elephant Stomp, wish-bang, Lashing Lynx slash-scratch. Atmosphere blurred multitude flashing fist, infinite bashing foot. Vast vaulted assembly hall filled crowded screams all onlooker. Great rush for escape turmoil tumult gouging fingers, biting teeth.

  Final now all operative converged destroy this agent, that now cat sister delve hand into own luggage purse, extract infamous killer attack phallus. During circle of operatives encroaching for kill, edging more close, host sister say, “Let’s hope my mom didn’t swipe the batteries.” Finger slide activate dildo switch, say sister, “And let’s really hope I didn’t totally repair this sucker…”

  Edging more close, ranked wall of killer assassins stance ready for execute Cobra One-Strike No-Blood. For land Leaping Kangaroo Punch Escape. For render Barracuda Deadly Eye Gouge.

  Jumping so legs make, pow-pow, Tearing Tiger, operative Tibor quote keen visionary, astute author D. H. Lawrence, say, ‘“They want an outward system of nullity, which they call peace and goodwill, so that in their own souls they can be independent little gods.’”

  Crafting counteract, elbows operative me launch, rip-scrape, Clawing Cougar, during quote brilliant philosopher, learned professor Fidel Castro, this agent say, ‘“Men do not shape destiny. Destiny produces the man for the hour.’”

  Throwing, sock-pow, Punching Panda, operative Mang quote revered Fidel Castro, say, “A revolution is a struggle between the future and the past.’”

  Hitting, blam-wham, Striking Cobra Quick Kill maneuver, operative Chernok quote respected Friedrich Nietzsche, say, “‘One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.’”

  Returning, sock-block, Flying Eagle maneuver, this agent quote acclaimed Fidel Castro, say, “‘Condemn me. It does not matter. History will absolve me.’”

  Same current now, deadly phallus commence tremble. Pink phallus deepening more dark pink. Tinting red. Shivering phallus initial small wobble. Leap from cat sister hand. Trailing spiral black smoke, ricochet off floor. Midair thrashing, killer phallus spray heated molten plastic every all direction upon hostile operative. Suppress attack. Ignited fragments plastic spattering operative Tanek. Blinding operative Bokara. Torching head hair operative Sheena. Plumes huge flame, strong stink.

  Siren of rapes always howl. Echo loud filling vast institute of Smithsonian.

  Operative Magda hesitate, hold back from such array hazardous contacts.

  Bursting battlefront of flying fire phallus, Madam Cadaver throw wild Lashing Lion, rip-roar, clubbing skull of this agent. Immediate capable and prepared for execute this seditious operative me. Create fulfillment Operation Havoc.

  That then, voice say, “Pygmy, my man!” Male voice. Resurrected pig dog brother.

  Leaping amid fray, host brother assume defensive stance, say, “You taught me too much, little man.” Say, “I got out of those ropes with no trouble…” Facing approach murderous cadaver, pig brother say, “What do you suggest?” Making steely eye, say, “Punching Panda or Lunging Lynx?”

  Killer phallus providing aerial cover, bombing hot plastic. Obscuring conflict with black smoke screen. Choking soot and smut.

  This agent stunned subsequent Lashing Lion impact skull.

  Cat sister prepared disarm canister packed ready for burst legal tender.

  On occasion American mob witness attack on this agent, mob riot in defense. United State citizen swarm, swamp, overwhelm Tibor, Chernok. Subdue Mang, Ling, Oleg. No longer passive, vast crowd surge for rescue operative me. Arriving as salvation this agent, sheer numerous hordes American citizen clumsy punch, push, grab so surmount actions operative Otto, Vaky, Tanek.

  Madam Doris Lilly burst tension of accumulated career training, lifetime supermole agent, entire limbs rocketing for inflict, punch-crunch, fatal Monkey Mash upon all.

  Same then, slow motion, operative Magda launch self in defense of pig dog brother. Magda leaping midair. Magda and brother collide simultaneous, blasting skull Doris Lilly. Inflict coma upon evil agent thinking machine. Throwing no conscious superagent to heap upon floor. Crumpled agent adjacent discarded own prosthetic teeth. Adjacent discarded scalp of gray curls. Rage subjugated.

  Within that now most greatest victory. Magda and pig dog, beaming. Sputtering phallus routing attack fellow agents. American forces delivering rescue. Cat sister kneel so minister wounded operative me.

  That same current now, dreaded “Peace Machine” explode.

  Flickering American riches paper money showering, snowing blizzard, rain down so engulf all.

  Dispatch

  Thirty-sixth

  Begins here thirty-sixth account of operative me, agent number 67, recalling former practice American language studies. Classroom warren deep interior building. Capital city of best top glorious homeland . For official record, repeat recounting here formative history of operative me.

  For reinforce early lesson training of operative me.

  Benevolent much respected language instructor, making stance at focus all operative, say, “Hep cat.” Say, “Cat’s meow.” Say, “Cat’s pajamas.”

  Repeat say all operative, “Hep cat. Cat’s meow. Cat’s pajamas.”

  Learned, best-meaning instructor say, “Rumble seat.”

  All student say, “Rumble seat.”

  All learn so able repeat, “Soda pop. Twenty-three skidoo. Monkey wrench. Grease monkey. Raccoon coat.”

  Seated desks, hands folded, eyes cast forward, all operative repeat say, “Heavens to Betsy.” Say, “Greased lightning.” Say, “Moxie.” Say, “Bluebird of happiness.”

  As affirmation correct usage current modern American language, honored instructor say, “Now you’re cooking with gas!”

  Same manner all operatives studied so learn repeat, say, “Workers’ paradise.” Say, “Heartless postcolonial multinational corporation.”

  Taught say, “Venomous vipers of capitalist imperial United States.”

  Taught memorize, implant within thinking machine, “Oppressive degenerate Western culture.”

  Implanted quote from celebrated author, infamous sodomite Oscar Wilde, say, “It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion.”

  In truth, many such facts actual outdated.

  Admitting here failure of this agent. Operative me, traitor guilty of committing treason. Operation Havoc rendered utter aborted. Total disappointed of no result.

  Begins here resignation of this agent.

  Much shame saddled with great humiliation, this agent hereby admitting defeat. No able sacrifice life for state. Instead, have ended former life of this agent for benefit of host sister. In retreat, this agent seeking political asylum, adoption host family. All charges against host father dropped. Host family Cedar restored. All operative unmasked, held federal custody pending
full investigate. As per plan, exploded cargo of dollars…legal monetary notes burst toward sky…except neglected this agent to taint said currency deadly neurotoxin. With full intention, no poisoned money, already operative me so seduced by affection for American parasites. Instead, “Peace Machine” merely geyser cash money into space. Delight assembled crowd children and adults of National Science Fair. Create vast celebration.

  Quote, “It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion.”

  Go, Team Cedar!

  Therefore tending here resignation operative me.

  Confessed this agent responsible violent anal sodomy Trevor Stonefield.

  Magda offspring due issue June seventeenth. Revealed of DNA analysis, fathered pig dog brother. Perhaps intend wed. Perhaps no.

  For official record, this agent rejects top deity as dictated by native state.

  Please locate herewith enclosed molar tooth, extracted out mouth of operative me during visitation with United State doctor of teeth. Molar encasing hollow filled deadly cyanide, no longer of purpose for this agent.

  Begins here new life of operative me.

  Chuck Palahniuk’s nine previous novels are the best-selling Snuff Rant, Haunted, Lullaby, Diary, Choke—which has been made into a film by director Clark Gregg, starring Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston—Survivor, Invisible Monsters, and Fight Club, which was made into a film by director David Fincher. He is also the author of the nonfiction profile of Portland, Oregon, Fugitives and Refugees, published as part of the Crown Journeys series, and the nonfiction collection Stranger Than Fiction. He lives in the Pacific Northwest.

  DOUBLEDAY

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.