The Smartest Kid in the Universe
Chris Grabenstein
FAVORITES FROM CHRIS GRABENSTEIN
The Island of Dr. Libris
Shine! (coauthored with J.J. Grabenstein)
The Smartest Kid in the Universe
THE MR. LEMONCELLO’S LIBRARY SERIES
Escape from Mr. Lemoncello’s Library
Mr. Lemoncello’s Library Olympics
Mr. Lemoncello’s Great Library Race
Mr. Lemoncello’s All-Star Breakout Game
Mr. Lemoncello and the Titanium Ticket
THE WELCOME TO WONDERLAND SERIES
Home Sweet Motel
Beach Party Surf Monkey
Sandapalooza Shake-Up
Beach Battle Blowout
THE HAUNTED MYSTERY SERIES
The Crossroads
The Demons’ Door
The Zombie Awakening
The Black Heart Crypt
COAUTHORED WITH JAMES PATTERSON
The House of Robots series
The I Funny series
The Jacky Ha-Ha series
Katt vs. Dogg
The Max Einstein series
Pottymouth and Stoopid
The Treasure Hunters series
Word of Mouse
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Text copyright © 2020 by Chris Grabenstein
Cover art copyright © 2020 by Antoine Losty
Title lettering copyright © 2020 Neil Swaab
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Random House Children’s Books, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.
Random House and the colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.
Visit us on the Web! rhcbooks.com
Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at RHTeachersLibrarians.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Grabenstein, Chris, author.
Title: The smartest kid in the universe / Chris Grabenstein.
Description: First edition. | New York: Random House Children’s Books, [2020]
Summary: When seventh-grader Jake McQuade mistakes the world’s first ingestible knowledge pills for jelly beans, he suddenly knows all about physics and geometry and can speak Swahili (though Spanish would be a lot more useful)—but his sort-of girlfriend Grace thinks they can use his newfound brilliance to save their middle school from the new principal, who is conspiring to get it shut down.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019051235 | ISBN 978-0-525-64778-2 (hardcover) | ISBN 978-0-525-64779-9 (library binding) | ISBN 978-0-593-30547-8 (int’l) | ISBN 978-0-525-64780-5 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Genius—Juvenile fiction. | Conspiracies—Juvenile fiction. | Middle schools—Juvenile fiction. | Humorous stories. | CYAC: Genius—Fiction. | Conspiracies—Fiction. | Middle schools—Fiction. | Schools—Fiction. | Humorous stories. | LCGFT: Humorous fiction.
Classification: LCC PZ7.G7487 Sm 2020 | DDC 813.6 [Fic 23]
Ebook ISBN 9780525647805
Random House Children’s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read.
Penguin Random House LLC supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin Random House to publish books for every reader.
ep_prh_5.6.0_c0_r0
Contents
Cover
Favorites from Chris Grabenstein
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Epilogue
Are You as Smart as the Smartest Kid in the Universe?
Thank You To…
About the Author
For Dr. Craig Smith (surgeon), Dr. David Sherman (cardiologist), and all the physicians, physician assistants, nurses, and staff of the Cardiac Care Unit at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University Medical Center: Thank you all for studying so hard in school.
Eduardo Leones wasn’t the bravest pirate on Capitán Aliento de Perro’s crew.
But he was definitely the smartest.
Because he was the only one not on the sinking ship.
Cannons boomed. Masts snapped. The sky was on fire.
And Eduardo was safe in a bobbing rowboat well below the fray.
“Yarr,” cried Aliento de Perro, leaning over the railing and working a line to lower a heavy iron chest. “Row upriver, ye scurvy knave. Find a good hiding place for me booty. Then hurry back to tell me where it be, or you’ll end up like your cowardly father!”
“Sí, sí, Capitán,” the clever Eduardo shouted back—even though he planned to obey only the first half of that order.
Because the treasure wasn’t the captain’s.
Aliento de Perro had stolen it
from Eduardo’s father!
El Perro Apestoso (the Stinky Dog), the ship that the blustering pirate Aliento de Perro (“Dog Breath”) now commanded, had been seized in an ugly mutiny from Eduardo’s father, the brave buccaneer Angel Vengador Leones. After forcing the ship’s captain to walk the plank, Aliento de Perro had kept young Eduardo alive only so he could torment the boy.
Now the ship that had plundered and pillaged up and down the east coast of the American colonies was sinking under the relentless attack of a British man-o’-war that had chased it upriver. As a precaution, Dog Breath (who never brushed his teeth) had ordered his cabin boy to haul the ship’s treasure to a less treacherous location.
Eduardo grinned as he lashed the heavy chest to the deck of his small vessel.
And then he started rowing. Hard.
North.
The listing pirate ship turned about to block the man-o’-war’s pursuit with a broadside of cannon blasts. The British ship roared back with mast-shattering, wood-splintering, sail-searing shots of its own.
The Stinky Dog might not be afloat when young Eduardo found a secure spot to hide his captain’s treasure.
Which was fine by Eduardo.
He had cleverly tricked Aliento de Perro into thinking he was too terrified to ever plot revenge. But he would avenge his father’s death.
All that treasure would become his.
And his children’s.
And his children’s children’s.
And his children’s children’s children’s.
And his children’s children’s children’s children’s.
If only they would prove bold and clever enough to find it.
Patricia Malvolio, the new principal of Riverview Middle School, was giving a special, after-hours tour of her building to a very important guest: Mr. Heath Huxley.
“This school is in terrible condition!” said Mr. Huxley.
“I know,” giggled Mrs. Malvolio. “Isn’t it marvelous? It’s perfect for our plans.”
The lockers were dented and rusty. Overhead, fluorescent lights sputtered in their tubes, pleading to be replaced. Paint peeled off the cinder-block walls in chunks the size of potato chips.
“What’s that smell?” asked Mr. Huxley, covering his mouth and nose with a dainty silk handkerchief.
Mrs. Malvolio sniffed the air.
She was tempted to say Your breath, since Mr. Huxley’s never smelled minty or fresh.
“Tuna fish salad?” she suggested. “Stinky cheese? Moldy pizza? It’s hard to tell. The refrigerators in the cafeteria are…unreliable.”
Mrs. Malvolio tugged down on the canary-yellow blazer that matched her canary-yellow blouse. The tugging caused her necklace—three rows of big, multicolored beads—to clack.
“Now, as I told you,” she said, “Riverview is currently considered the worst middle school building in the district. Given the new budget cuts, the city will be forced to close one middle school this year. I suspect it will be us.”
She led the way into her office. Mr. Huxley went to the window to admire the view of the river.
“This is magnificent, Patricia.”
“I know. It’s why this school is called Riverview.”
“And what will the city do with this marvelous property once they shut down this dilapidated excuse for a school?”
“Oh, I suppose they might auction off the land to the highest bidder.”
“Who will also be the smartest bidder,” said Mr. Huxley, stroking back his slick black hair. “The one who understands how truly valuable this property is.”
“Yes, Uncle Heath,” said Mrs. Malvolio. “They’ll probably sell it to you. And then you’ll pay me that very generous finder’s fee we discussed when I applied for this principal position.”
“Indeed I will, Patricia.”
They both laughed maniacally.
It ran in the family.
Jake McQuade wasn’t the smartest kid at Riverview Middle School, but he was definitely the coolest.
The school itself, on the other hand, was kind of shabby.
The place hadn’t fallen apart all at once. If it had, people might’ve done something. Riverview’s decline had been slow and steady. It took time and neglect. No one ever thought to repaint the cinder-block walls. Or to replace the lockers, most of which were too bent out of shape to be locked anymore.
“We try,” Mr. Lyons would tell Jake. “We try.”
Mr. Charley Lyons was the school’s vice principal, a social studies teacher, and the basketball coach. He’d been at Riverview for over twenty years.
“But the new principal?” He shook his head. “ ‘Le zumba el mango,’ as my grandfather used to say.”
Jake never knew what Mr. Lyons was saying when, all of a sudden, he dropped a little Spanish. Jake would’ve had to learn Spanish to do that. And seventh grader Jake McQuade wasn’t big on “learning stuff.” He came to school to have a good time and hang with his friends. If he needed to actually know anything important, he could look it up on his phone.
He stopped by the bathroom to check his look in a mirror. Black hair, blue eyes, and fair, freckled skin. It was a good look. And lately Jake wanted to look good.
Because of Grace.
Grace Garcia!
“How’s it going?” Jake said to just about everybody he passed as he cruised up the hall. He was so cool, he could chat with one friend on his cell phone while using his free hand to knock knuckles with a dozen more.
Jake’s best friend was Kojo Shelton.
Kojo was a science geek who spent a lot of time streaming detective shows. He called it his extra-credit homework. “Because I’m going to be a detective when I grow up,” he’d say, “I need to know forensic science and TV detectives.”
Recently, Kojo had stumbled upon an ancient show called Kojak on some obscure cable rerun channel. He’d become obsessed with the famous TV detective. Kojo even adopted Kojak’s famous catchphrase, “Who loves ya, baby?”
“We practically have the same name,” he’d told Jake. “He’s Kojak and I’m Kojo. Of course, he’s a bald, old Greek dude and I’m a handsome, young Black dude, but, hey—we both like Tootsie Pops.”
“I don’t,” said Jake. “Too much work sucking through that hard candy shell to get to the Tootsie Roll.”
“For real? Jake McQuade, you are the laziest kid in the world. You know that, right?”
“We’re all good at something, Kojo. Slothfulness? It’s my superpower.”
Kojo was kind of skinny and always wore the style of thick-rimmed glasses that couldn’t get broken when you played sports.
“You wanna go hang in the cafeteria?” asked Jake. “I’ve got that new Revenge of the Brain Dead game on my phone. Mr. Keeney will never miss us.”
Mr. Keeney, who taught math, was Jake and Kojo’s homeroom teacher. He usually spent the first fifteen minutes of every school day with his feet propped up on his desk, his chair tilted back as far as it could go without tipping over, and his eyes closed.
“This is homeroom,” he’d said once. “If I were home, I’d still be sleeping. So keep quiet. I need a nap.”
“No thanks, man,” Kojo told Jake. “I want to go talk to Mr. Lyons in his office. I need his help on an extra-credit social studies project.”
“Is it about the history of this school’s vice principal having his office inside an old janitor’s closet complete with a mop sink?”
“Nah. Everybody knows the answer to that one: the boy’s bathroom on the second floor leaks through the ceiling of the vice principal’s office. Has for years. If Mr. Lyons used that office, his hair would be wet. All the time.”
“And why are you doing another extra-credit project?”
“Because, Jake, even though I could get by on my looks, I prefer to be smart, too. Going
for another straight-A report card.”
Jake shrugged. “Straight Cs are fine by me.”
“You need help on your science homework?”
“Nah. I need to go slay some zombies.”
As Jake ambled along the hallway, he saw Grace Garcia hanging a poster on the wall.
Jake wished there were a bathroom mirror nearby.
There wasn’t.
Grace, another seventh grader, was, without a doubt, the smartest student in the whole school. Jake also thought she was the prettiest. Of course, he’d never tell her that.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” she said back. Grace was somehow related to Mr. Lyons. Her mom and dad had emigrated from Cuba during the mid-1990s. Mr. Lyons’s side of the family had moved to America way earlier, but Grace still called him “Uncle Charley.”
“Whatcha doin’?” Jake asked. Yes, he definitely had a way with words when talking to girls.
Grace nodded at the poster. “Trying to find two new teammates for our Quiz Bowl team. Last year we came in third. This year we’re going to win! ¡Comerme un pan!”
Jake nodded. And smiled. And had no idea what comerme un pan meant. Judging from the way Grace grinned when she said it, though, it was probably a good thing.
