The Legend of Ulenspiegel, Volume 2 (of 2), Page 3

  The pilgrim that had witnessed his fall saw him and cried out:

  "Here is the blasphemer!"

  And pointed to him with his finger. And all ran to see the afflictedone.

  Ulenspiegel nodded his head piteously.

  "Ah!" said he, "I deserve neither grace nor pity; slay me like amad dog."

  And the humpbacks, rubbing their hands, said:

  "One more in our fraternity."

  Ulenspiegel, muttering between his teeth: "I will make you pay forthat, evil ones," appeared to endure all patiently, and said:

  "I will neither eat nor drink, even to fortify my hump, until MasterSaint Remacle has deigned to heal me even as he has smitten me."

  At the rumour of the miracle the dean came out of the church. He wasa tall man, portly and majestic. Nose in wind, he clove the sea ofthe hunchbacks like a ship.

  They pointed out Ulenspiegel; he said to him:

  "Is it thou, good fellow, that the scourge of Saint Remacle hassmitten?"

  "Yea, Messire Dean," replied Ulenspiegel, "it is indeed I his humbleworshipper who would fain be cured of his new hump, if it please him."

  The dean, smelling some trick under this speech:

  "Let me," said he, "feel this hump."

  "Feel it, Messire," answered Ulenspiegel.

  And having done so, the dean:

  "It is," said he, "of recent date and wet. I hope, however, thatMaster Saint Remacle will be pleased to act pitifully. Follow me."

  Ulenspiegel followed the dean and went into the church. The humpbacks,walking behind him, cried out: "Behold the accursed! Behold theblasphemer! What doth it weigh, thy fresh hump? Wilt thou make a bagof it to put thy patacoons in? Thou didst mock at us all thy lifebecause thou wast straight: now it is our turn. Glory be to MasterSaint Remacle!"

  Ulenspiegel, without uttering a word, bending his head, stillfollowing the dean, went into a little chapel where there was a tomball marble covered with a great flat slab also of marble. Betweenthe tomb and the chapel wall there was not the space of the span ofa large hand. A crowd of humpbacked pilgrims, following one anotherin single file, passed between the wall and the slab of the tomb,on which they rubbed their humps in silence. And thus they hoped tobe delivered. And those that were rubbing their humps were loath togive place to those that had not yet rubbed theirs, and they foughttogether, but without any noise, only daring to strike sly blows,humpbacks' blows, because of the holiness of the place.

  The dean bade Ulenspiegel get up on the flat top of the tomb,that all the pilgrims might see him plainly. Ulenspiegel replied:"I cannot get up by myself."

  The dean helped him up and stationed himself beside him, biddinghim kneel down. Ulenspiegel did so and remained in this posture,with head hanging.

  The dean then, having meditated, preached and said in a sonorous voice:

  "Sons and brothers of Jesus Christ, ye see at my feet the greatestchild of impiety, vagabond, and blasphemer that Saint Remacle hathever smitten with his anger."

  And Ulenspiegel, beating upon his breast, said: "Confiteor."

  "Once," went on the dean, "he was straight as a halberd shaft, andgloried in it. See him now, humpbacked and bowed under the stroke ofthe celestial curse."

  "Confiteor, take away my hump," said Ulenspiegel.

  "Yea," went on the dean, "yea, mighty saint, Master Saint Remacle,who since thy glorious death hast performed nine and thirty miracles,take away from his shoulders the weight that loads them down. And maywe, for this boon, sing thy praises from everlasting to everlasting,in saecula saeculorum. And peace on earth to humpbacks of good will."

  And the humpbacks said in chorus:

  "Yea, yea, peace on earth to humpbacks of good will: humpbacks' peace,truce to the deformed, amnesty of humiliation. Take away our humps,Master Saint Remacle!"

  The dean bade Ulenspiegel descend from the tomb, and rub his humpagainst the edge of the slab. Ulenspiegel did so, ever repeating:"Mea culpa, confiteor, take away my hump." And he rubbed it thoroughlyin sight and knowledge of those that stood by.

  And these cried aloud:

  "Do ye see the hump? it bends! see you, it gives way! it will melt awayon the right"--"No, it will go back into the breast; humps do not melt,they go down again into the intestines from which they come"--"No,they return into the stomach where they serve as nourishment foreighty days"--"It is the saint's gift to humpbacks that are rid ofthem"--"Where do the old humps go?"

  Suddenly all the humpbacks gave a loud cry, for Ulenspiegel had justburst his hump leaning hard against the edge of the flat tomb top. Allthe blood that was in it fell, dripping from his doublet in big dropsupon the stone flags. And he cried out, straightening himself up andstretching out his arms:

  "I am rid of it!"

  And all the humpbacks began to call out together:

  "Master Saint Remacle the blessed, it is kind to him, but hard tous"--"Master, take away our humps, ours too!"--"I, I will givethee a calf."--"I, seven sheep."--"I, the year's hunting."--"I,six hams."--"I, I will give my cottage to the Church"--"Take awayour humps, Master Saint Remacle!"

  And they looked on Ulenspiegel with envy and with respect. One wouldhave felt under his doublet, but the dean said to him:

  "There is a wound that may not see the light."

  "I will pray for you," said Ulenspiegel.

  "Aye, Pilgrim," said the humpbacks, speaking all together, "aye,master, thou that hast been made straight again, we made a mock ofthee; forgive it us, we knew not what we did. Monseigneur Christforgave when on the cross; give us all forgiveness."

  "I will forgive," said Ulenspiegel benevolently.

  "Then," said they, "take this patard, accept this florin, permit usto give this real to Your Straightness, to offer him this cruzado,put these carolus in his hands...."

  "Hide up your carolus," said Ulenspiegel, whispering, "let not yourleft hand know what your right hand is giving."

  And this he said because of the dean who was devouring with his eyesthe humpbacks' money, without seeing whether it was gold or silver.

  "Thanks be unto thee, sanctified sir," said the humpbacks toUlenspiegel.

  And he accepted their gifts proudly as a man of a miracle.

  But greedy ones were rubbing away with their humps on the tomb withoutsaying a word.

  Ulenspiegel went at night to a tavern where he held revel and feast.

  Before going to bed, thinking that the dean would want to have hisshare of the booty, if not all, he counted up his gain, and found moregold than silver, for he had in it fully three hundred carolus. Henoted a withered bay tree in a pot, took it by the hair of its head,plucked up the plant and the earth, and put the gold underneath. Allthe demi-florins, patards, and patacoons were spread out upon thetable.

  The dean came to the tavern and went up to Ulenspiegel.

  The latter, seeing him:

  "Messire Dean," said he, "what would you of my poor self?"

  "Nothing but thy good, my son," replied he.

  "Alas!" groaned Ulenspiegel, "is it that which you see on the table?"

  "The same," replied the dean.

  Then putting out his hand, he swept the table clean of all the moneythat was upon it and dropped it into a bag destined for it.

  And he gave a florin to Ulenspiegel, who pretended to groan and whine.

  And he asked for the implements of the miracle.

  Ulenspiegel showed him the schol bone and the bladder.

  The dean took them while Ulenspiegel bemoaned himself, imploring himto be good enough to give him more, saying that the way was long fromBouillon to Damme, for him a poor footpassenger, and that beyond adoubt he would die of hunger.

  The dean went away without uttering a word.

  Being left alone, Ulenspiegel went to sleep with his eye on the baytree. Next day at dawn, having picked up his booty, he went awayfrom Bouillon and went to the camp of the Silent One, handed over themoney to him and recounted the story, saying it was the true methodof levying contributions o
f war from the enemy.

  And the Prince gave him ten florins.

  As for the schol bone, it was enshrined in a crystal casket and placedbetween the arms of the cross on the principal altar at Bouillon.

  And everyone in the town knows that what the cross encloses is thehump of the blasphemer who was made straight.

  XI

  The Silent One, being in the neighbourhood of Liege, made marchesand countermarches before crossing the Meuse, thus misleading theduke's vigilance.

  Ulenspiegel, schooling himself to his duties as a soldier, becamevery dexterous in handling the wheel-locked arquebus and kept hiseyes and ears well open.

  At this time there came to the camp Flemish and Brabant nobles,who lived on good terms with the lords, colonels, and captains inthe following of the Silent One.

  Soon two parties formed in the camp, eternally quarrelling anddisputing, the one side saying: "the Prince is a traitor," the otheranswering that the accusers lied in their throat and that they wouldmake them swallow their lie. Distrust spread and grew like a spot ofoil. They came to blows in groups of six, of eight, or a dozen men;fighting with every weapon of single combat, even with arquebuses.

  One day the prince came up at the noise, marching between twoparties. A bullet carried away his sword from his side. He put an endto the combat and visited the whole camp to show himself, that it mightnot be said: "The Silent One is dead, and the war is dead with him."

  The next day, towards midnight, in misty weather, Ulenspiegel beingon the point of coming out from a house where he had been to sing aFlemish love song to a Walloon girl, heard at the door of the cottagebeside the house a raven's croak thrice repeated. Other croakingsanswered from a distance, thrice by thrice. A country churl came tothe door of the cottage. Ulenspiegel heard footsteps on the highway.

  Two men, speaking Spanish, came to the rustic, who said to them inthe same tongue:

  "What have you done?"

  "A good piece of work," said they, "lying for the king. Thanks to us,captains and soldiermen say to one another in distrust:

  "'It is through vile ambition that the prince is resisting the king; heis but waiting to be feared by him and to receive cities and lordshipsas a pledge of peace; for five hundred thousand florins he will abandonthe valiant lords that are fighting for the countries. The duke hasoffered him a full amnesty with a promise and an oath to restoreto their estates himself and all the highest leaders of the army,if they would re-enter into obedience to the king. Orange means totreat with him alone by himself.'

  "The partisans of the Silent One answered us:

  "'The duke's offer is a treacherous trap. He will pay them no heed,recalling the fate of Messieurs d'Egmont and de Hoorn. Well they knowit, Cardinal de Granvelle, being at Rome, said at the time of thecapture of the Counts: "They take the two gudgeons, but they leavethe pike; they have taken nothing since the Silent remains stillto take."'"

  "Is the variance great in the camp?" said the rustic.

  "Great is the variance," said they: "greater every day. Where arethe letters?"

  They went into the cottage, where a lantern was lighted. There, peepingthrough a little skylight, Ulenspiegel saw them open two missives,read them with much satisfaction and pleasure, drink hydromel, andat last depart, saying to the rustic in Spanish:

  "Camp divided, Orange taken. That will be a good lemonade."

  "Those fellows," said Ulenspiegel, "cannot be allowed to live."

  They went out into the thick mist. Ulenspiegel saw the rustic bringthem a lantern, which they took with them.

  The light of the lantern being often intercepted by a black shape,he took it that they were walking one behind the other.

  He primed his arquebus and fired at the black shape. He then sawthe lantern lowered and raised several times, and judged that, oneof the two being down, the other was endeavouring to see the natureof his wound. He primed his arquebus again. Then the lantern goingforward alone, swiftly and swinging and in the direction of the camp,he fired once more. The lantern staggered about, then fell, and therewas darkness.

  Running towards the camp, he saw the provost coming out with a crowdof soldiers awakened by the noise of the shots. Ulenspiegel, accostingthem, said:

  "I am the hunter, go and pick up the game."

  "Jolly Fleming," said the provost, "you speak otherwise than withyour tongue."

  "Tongue talk, 'tis wind," replied Ulenspiegel. "Lead talk remains inthe bodies of the traitors. But follow me."

  He brought them, furnished with their lanterns, to the place wherethe two were fallen. And they beheld them indeed, stretched out onthe earth, one dead, the other in the death rattle and holding hishand on his breast, where there was a letter crushed and crumpled inthe last effort of his life.

  They carried away the bodies, which they recognized by their garmentsas bodies of nobles, and thus came with their lanterns to the prince,interrupted at council with Frederic of Hollenhausen, the Markgraveof Hesse, and other lords.

  Followed by landsknechts, reiters, green jackets and yellow jackets,they came before the tent of the Silent, shouting requests that hewould receive them.

  He came from the tent. Then, taking the word from the provost whowas coughing and preparing to accuse him, Ulenspiegel said:

  "Monseigneur, I have killed two traitor nobles of your train, insteadof ravens."

  Then he recounted what he had seen, heard, and done.

  The Silent said not a word. The two bodies were searched, therebeing present himself, William of Orange, the Silent, Frederic deHollenhausen, the Markgrave of Hesse, Dieterich de Schooenbergh,Count Albert of Nassau, the Count de Hoogstraeten, Antoine de Lalaing,the Governor of Malines; the troopers, and Lamme Goedzak tremblingin his great paunch. Sealed letters from Granvelle and Noircarmeswere found upon the gentlemen, enjoining upon them to sow dissensionin the prince's train, in order to diminish his strength by so much,to force him to yield, and to deliver him to the duke to be beheadedin accordance with his deserts. "It was essential," said the letters,"to proceed subtly and by veiled speech, so that the people in the armymight believe that the Silent had already, for his own personal profit,come to a private agreement with the duke. His captains and soldiers,being angry, would make him a prisoner. For reward a draft on theFueggers of Antwerp for five hundred ducats had been sent to each;they should have a thousand as soon as the four hundred thousandducats that were expected should have arrived in Zealand from Spain."

  This plot being discovered and laid open, the prince, without a word,turned towards the nobles, lords, and soldiers, among whom werea great many that held him in suspicion; he showed the two corpseswithout a word, intending thereby to reproach them for their mistrustof him. All shouted with a great tumultuous noise:

  "Long life to Orange! Orange is faithful to the countries!"

  They would, for contumely, fain have flung the bodies to the dogs,but the Silent:

  "It is not bodies that must be thrown to the dogs, but feeblemindednessthat bringeth about doubts of singleminded and good intents."

  And lords and soldiers shouted:

  "Long live the prince! Long live Orange, the friend to the countries!"

  And their voices were as a thunder threatening injustice.

  And the prince, pointing to the bodies:

  "Give them Christian interment," said he.

  "And I," said Ulenspiegel, "what is to be done with my faithfulcarcase? If I have done ill let them give me blows; if I have donewell let them accord me reward."

  Then the Silent One spake and said:

  "This musketeer shall have fifty blows with green wood in mypresence for having, without orders, slain two nobles, to the greatdisparagement of all discipline. He shall receive as well thirtyflorins for having seen well and heard well."

  "Monseigneur," replied Ulenspiegel, "if they gave me the thirty florinsfirst, I would endure the blows from the green wood with patience."

  "Aye, aye," groaned Lamme Goedzak, "give him first of all the
thirtyflorins; he will endure the rest with patience."

  "And then," said Ulenspiegel, "having my soul free of guilt, I haveno need to be washed with oak or rinsed with cornel."

  "Aye," groaned Lamme Goedzak as before, "Ulenspiegel hath no needof washing or of rinsing. He hath a clean soul. Do not wash him,Messires, do not wash him."

  Ulenspiegel having received the thirty florins, the stock-meesterwas ordered by the provost to seize him.

  "See, Messires," said Lamme, "how piteous he looks. He hath no lovefor the wood, my friend Ulenspiegel."

  "I love," replied Ulenspiegel, "to see a lovely ash all leafy,growing in the sunshine in all it's native verdure; but I hate to thedeath those ugly sticks of wood still bleeding their sap, strippedof branches, without leaves or twigs, of fierce aspect and harshof acquaintance."

  "Art thou ready?" asked the provost.

  "Ready," repeated Ulenspiegel, "ready for what? To be beaten. No,I am not, and have no desire to be, master stock-meester. Your beardis red and you have a formidable air; but I am fully persuaded thatyou have a kind heart and do not love to maltreat a poor fellowlike me. I must tell it you, I love not to do it or see it; for aChristian man's back is a sacred temple which, even as his breast,encloseth the lungs wherewith we breathe the air of the good God. Withwhat poignant remorse would you be gnawed if a brutal stroke of thestick were to break me in pieces."