The Captain Is Out to Lunch and the Sailors Have Taken Over the Ship, Page 2

  I think that people who keep notebooks and jot down their thougts are jerk-offs. I am only doing this because somebody suggested I do it, so you see, I'm not even an original jerk-off. But this somehow makes it easier. I just let it roll. Like a hot turd down a hill.

  I don't know what to do about the racetrack. I think it's burning out for me. I was standing around at Hollywood Park today, inter-track betting, 13 races from Fairplex Park. After the 7th race I am $72 ahead. So? Will it take some of those white hairs out of my eyebrows? Will it make and opera singer out of me? What do I want? I am beating a difficult game, I am beating an 18 take. I do that quite a bit. So, it mustn't be too difficult. What do I want? I really don't care if there is God or not. It doesn't interest me. So, what the hell is it about 18 percent?

  I look over and see the same guy talking. He stands in the same spot every day talking to this person or that or to a couple of people. He holds the Form and talks about the horses. How dreary! What am I doing here?

  I leave. I walk down to parking, get in my car and drive off. It's only 4 p.m. How nice. I drive along. Others drive along. We are snails crawling on a leaf.Then I get into the driveway, park, get out. There's a message from Linda taped to the phone. I check the mail. Gas bill. And a large envelope full of poems. All printed on separate pieces of paper. Women talking about their periods, about their tits and breasts and about getting fucked. Utterly dull. I dump it in the trash.

  The I take a dump. Feel better. Take off my clothes and step into the pool. Ice water. But great. I walk along toward the deep end of the pool, the water rising inch by inch, chilling me. Then I plunge below the water. It's restful. The world doesn't know where I am. I come up, swim to the far edge, find the ledge, sit there. It must be about the 9th or 10th race. The horses are stil running. I plunge of my age hanging onto me like a leech. Still, it's o.k. I should have been dead 40 years ago. I rise to the top, swim to the far edge, get out.

  That was a long time ago. I'm up here now with the Macintosh IIsi. And this is about all there is for now. I think I'll sleep. Rest up for the track tomorrow.

  9/26/91 12:16 AM

  Got the proofs the new book today. Poetry. Martin says it will run to about 350 pages. I think the poems hold up. Uphold. I am an old train steaming down the track.

  Took me a couple of hours to read. I've had some practice at doing this thing. The lines roll free and say about what I want them to say. Now the main influence on myself is myself.

  As we live we all get caught and torn by various traps. Nobody escapes them. Some even live with them. The idea is to realize that a trap is a trap. If you are in one and you don't realize it, then you're finished. I believe that I have recognized most of my traps and I have written about them. Of course, all of writing doesn't consist of writing about traps. There are other things. Yet, some might say that life is a trap. Writing can trap. Some writers tend to write what has pleased their readers in the past. Then they are finished. Most writers' creative span is short. They hear the accolades and believe them. There is only one final judge of writing and that is the writer. When he is swayed by the critics, the editors, the publishers, the readers, then he's finished. And, of course, when he's swayed with his fame and his fortune, you can float him down the river with the turds.

  Each new line is a beginning and has nothing to do with any lines which preceeded it. We all start new each time. And, of course, it isn't all that holy either. The world can live much easier without writing than without plumbing. And some places in the world have very little of either. Of course, I'd rather live without plumbing but I'm sick.

  There's nothing to stop a man from writing unless that man stops himself. If a man truly desires to write, then he will. Rejection and ridicule will only strengthen him. And the longer he is held back the stronger he will become, like a mass of rising water against a dam. There is no losing in writing, it will make your toes laugh as you sleep, it will make you stride like a tiger, it will fire the eye and put you face to face with Death. You will die a fighter, you will be honored in hell. The luck of the word. Go with it, send it. Be the Clown in the Darkness. It's funny. It's funny. One more new line...

  9/26/91 11:36 PM

  A tittle for the new book. Sat out at the track trying to think of one. That's one place where one can't think. It sucks the brains and spirit out of you. A draining blow job, that's what that place is. And I haven't been sleeping nights. Something is sapping the energy out of me.

  Saw the lonely one at the track today. "How ya doin' Charles?“ "O.k.,“ I told him, then drifted off. He wants camaraderie. He wants to talk about things. Horses. You don't talk about horses. That's the LAST thing you talk about. A few races went by and then I caught him looking at me over an automatic betting machine. Poor guy. I went outside and sat down and a cop started talking to me. Well, they call them security men. "They're moving the toteboard,“ he said. "Yes,“ I said. They had dug the thing out of the ground and were moving it further west. Well, it put men to work. I liked to see men working. I hand an idea that the security man was talking to me to find out if I was crazy or not. He probably wasn't. But I got the idea. I let ideas jump me like that. I scratched my belly and pretended that I was a good old guy. "They're going to put the lakes back in,“ I said. "Yeah,“ he said. "This place used to be called the Track of the Lakes and Flowers.“ "Is that so?“ he said. "Yeah,“ I told him, "they used to have a Goose Girl contest. They'd choose a goose girl and she went out in a boat and rowed around among the geese. Real boring job.“ "Yeah,“ said the cop. He just stood there. I stood up. "Well,“ I said, "I'm going to get a coffee. Take it easy.“ "Sure,“ he said, "pick some winners.“ "You too, man,“ I said. Then I walked away.

  A title. My mind was blank. It was getting chilly. Being on old fart, I thought it might be best to get my jacket. I took the escalator down from the 4th floor. Who invented the escalator? Moving steps. Now, talk about crazy. People going up and down escalators, elevators, driving cars, having garage door that open at the touch of a button. Then they go to health clubs to work the fat off. In 4,000 years we won't have any legs, we'll wiggle along on our assholes, or maybe we'll just roll along like tumbleweeds. Each species destroys itself. What killed the dinosaurs was that they ate everything around and the had to eat each other and that brought it down to one and the son-of-a-bitch just starved to death.

  I got down to my car, got my jacket, put it on, took the escalator back up. That made me feel more like a playboy, a hustler-leaving the place and then coming back. I felt as if I had consulted some special secret source.

  Well, I played out the card, had some luck. By the 13th race it was dark and beginning to rain. I bet ten minutes early and left. Traffic was cautious. Rain scares the hell out of L.A. drivers. I got on the freeway behind the mass of red taillights. I didn't turn on the radio. I wanted silence. A title ran through my brain: Bible for the Disenchanted. No, no good. I remebered some of the best titles. I mean, of other writers. Bow Down to Wood and Stone. Great title, lousy writer. Notes from the Underground. Great title. Great writer. Also, The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter. Carson McCullers, a very underrated writer. Of all my dozens of titles the one I liked best was Confessions of a Man Insane Enough to Live with Beasts. But I blew that one away on a little mimeo pamphlet. Too bad.

  Then the freeway stopped and I just sat there. No title. My head was empty. I felt like sleeping for a week. I was glad I had put the trash cans out. I was tired. Now I didn't have to do it. Trash cans. One night I had slept, drunk, on top of trash cans. New York City. I was awakened by a big rat sitting on my belly. We both, at once, leaped about 3 feet into the air. I was trying to be a writer. Now I was supposed to be one and I couldn't think of a title. I was a fake. Traffic began to move and I followed it along. Nobody knew who anybody else was and it was great. Then a great flash of lightning crashed above the freeway and for the first time that day I felt pretty good.

  9/30/91 11:36 PM

  So, after some days of
blank-braining it, I awakened this morning and there was the title, it had come to me in my sleep: The Last Night of the Earth Poems. It fit the content, poems of finality, sickness and death. Mixed with others, of course. Even some humor. But the title works for this book and this time. Once you a title, it locks everything in, the poems find their order. And I like the title. If I saw a book with a title like that I would pick it up and try to read a few pages. Some titles exaggerate to attrat attention. They don't work because the lie doesn't work.

  Well, I'm done with that. Now what? Back to the novel and more poems. Whatever happened to the short story? It has left me. Here's a reason but I don't know what it is. If I worked at it I could find the reason but working at it wouldn't help anything. I mean, that time could be used for the novel or the poem. Or to cut my toenails.

  You know, somebody ought to invent a decent toenail clipper. I'm sure it can be done. The ones they give us to work with are really awkward and disheartening. I read where a guy on skid row tried to hold up a liquor store with a pair of toenail clippers. It didn't work there either. How did Dostoevsky cut his toenails? Van Gogh? Beethoven? Did they? I don't believe it. I used to let Linda do mine. She did an excellent job – only now and then she got a little piece of flesh. Me, I've had enough pain. Of any kind.

  I know that I'm going to die soon and it seems very strange to me. I'm selfish, I'd just like to keep my ass writting more words. It puts the glow in me, tosses me through golden air. But really, how much longer can I go on? It's not right to keep going on. Hell, death is the gasoline in the tank anyhow. We need it. I need it. You need it. We trash up the place if we stay too long.

  Strangest thing, I think, after people die is looking at their shoes. That's the saddest thing. It's as if most of their personality remains in their shoes. The clothes, no. It's in who has just died. You put their hat, their gloves and their shoes on the bed and look at them and you'll go crazy. Don't do it. Anyhow, now they know something that you don't. Maybe.

  Last day of racing today. I played inter-track wagering, at Hollywood Park, betting Fairplex Park. Bet all 13 races. Had a lucky day. Came out totally refreshed and strong. Wasn't even bored out there today. Felt jaunty, in touch. When you're up, it's great. You notice things. Like driving back, you notice steering wheel on your car. The instrument panel. You feel like you're in a goddamned space ship. You weave in and out of traffic, neatly, not rudely – working distances and speeds. Stupid stuff. But not today. You're up and you stay up. How odd. But you don't fight it. Because you know it won't last. Off day tomorrow. Oaktree Meet, Oct. 2. The meets go around and around, thousands of horses running. As sensible as the tides, a part of them.

  Even caught the cop car tailing me on the Harbor freeway south. In time. I slowed it to 60. Suddenly, he dropped way back. I held it at 60. He'd almost clocked me at 75. They hate Acuras. I stayed at 60. For 5 minutes. He roared past me doing a good 90. Bye, bye friend. I hate getting a ticket like anybody else. You have to keep using the rear view mirror. It's simple. But you're bound to get tagged finally. And when you do, be glad you're not drunk or packing drugs. If you're not. Anyhow, the title's in.

  And now I'm up here with the Macintosh and there is a wonderous space before me. Terrible music on the radio but you can't expect a 100 percent day. If you get 51, you've won. Today was a 97.

  I see where Mailer has written a huge new novel about the CIA and etc. Norman is a professional writer. He asked my wife once, "Hank doesn't like my writing, does he?“ Norman, few writers like other writers' works. The only time they like them is when they are dead or if they have been for a long time. Writers only like to sniff their own turds. I am one of those. I don't even like to talk to writers, look at them or worse, listen to them. And the worst is to drink with them, they slobber all over themselves, really look piteous, look like they are searching for the wing of the mother.

  I'd rather think about death than about writers. Far more pleasant.

  I'm going to turn this radio off. The composers also sometimes screw it up. If I had to talk to somebody I think I'd much prefer a computer repairman or a mortician. With or without drinking. Preferably with.

  10/2/91 11:03 PM

  Death comes to those who wait and to those who don't. Burning day today, burning dumb day. Came out of the post office and my car wouldn´t kick over. Well, I am a decent citizen. I belong to the Auto Club. So, I needed a telephone. Forty years ago telephones were everywhere. Telephones and clocks. You could always look somewhere and see what time it was. No more. No more free time. And public telephones are vanishing.

  I went by instinct. I went into the post office, took a stairway down and there in a dark corner, all alone and unannounced was a telephone. A sticky dirty dark telephone. There was not another within two miles. I knew how to work a telephone. Maybe. Information. The operator's voice came through and I felt saved. It was a calm and boring voice and asked what city I wanted. I named the city and the Auto Club. (You have to know how to do all the little things and you have to do them over and over again or you are dead. Dead in the streets. Unattended, unwanted.) The lady gave me a number but it was a wrong number. For the business office. Then I got he garage. A macho voice, cool, weary yet combative. Wonderful I gave him the info. "30 minutes,“ he said.

  I went back to the car, opened a letter. It was a poem. Christ. It was about me. And him. We had met, it seemed, twice, about 15 years ago. He had also published me in his magazine. I was a great poet, he said, but I drank. And had lived a miserable down-and-out life. Now yong poets were drinking and living miserable and down-and-out because they thought that was the way to make it. Also, I had attacked other people in my poems, including him. And I had imagined that he had written unflattering poems about me. Not true. He was really a nice person, he said he had published many other poets in his magazine for 15 years. And I was not a nice person. I was a great writer but not a nice person. And he never would have ever "paled“ around with me. That's what he wrote: "paled.“ And he kept spelling "you're“ as "your.“ He wasn't a good speller.

  It was hot in the car. It was 100 degrees, the hottest Oct. first since 1906.

  I wasn't going to respond to his letter. He would write again.

  Another letter from an agent, enclosing the work of a writer. I glanced. Bad stuff. Of course. "If you have any suggestions on his writing or any publishing leads, we would much appreciate..“

  Another letter from a lady thanking me for sending her husband a few lines and a drawing at ther suggestion, that it made him very happy. But now they were divorced and she was frelancing it and could she come by and interview me?

  Twice a week I get requests for interviews. There's just not that much to talk about. There are plenty of things to write about but not to talk about.

  I remember once, in the old days, some German journalist was interviewing me. I had poured wine into him and had talked for 4 hours. After that, he had leaned forward drunkenly and said, "I am no interviewer. I just wanted an excuse to see you..“

  I tossed the mail to the side and sat waiting. Then I saw the tow truck. A young smiling fellow. Nice boy. Sure.

  "HEY BABY!“ I yelled, "OVER HERE!“

  He backed it around and I got out and told him the problem.

  "Tow me into the Acura garage,“ I told him.

  "Your warranty still good on that car?“ he asked.

  He knew damn well it wasn't. It was 1991 and I was driving a 1989.

  "Doesn't matter,“ I said, "tow me to the Acura dealer.“

  "Take them a long time to fix it, maybe a week.“

  "Hell no, they are very fast.“

  "Listen,“ said the boy, "we have our own garage. We can take it down there, maybe fix it today. If not, we'll write you up and give you a call at first opportunity.“

  Right there I visualized my car at their garage for a week. To be told that I needed a new camshaft. Or my cylinder heads ground.

  "Tow me to Acura,“ I said.

&nbs
p; "Wait,“ said the boy, "I gotta call my boss first.“

  I waited. He came back.

  "He said to jump start you.“

  "What?“

  "Jump start.“

  "All right, let's do it.“

  I got in my car let it roll to the back of his truck. He got out the snakes and it started right up. I signed the papers and he drove off and I drove off...

  Then I decided to drop the car off at the corner garage.

  "We know you. You been coming here for years,“ said the manager.

  "Good,“ I said, then smiled, "so don't screw me.“

  He just looked at me.

  "Give us 45 minutes.“

  "All right.“

  "You need a ride?“

  "Sure.“

  He pointed. "He'll take you.“

  Nice boy standing there. We walked to his car. I gave him the directions. We drove up the hill.

  "You still making movies?“ he asked me.

  I was a celebrity, you see.

  "No,“ I said, "fuck Hollywood.“

  He didn't understand that.

  "Stop here,“ I said.

  "Oh, that's a big house.“

  "I just work there,“ I said.

  It was true.

  I got out. Gave him 2 dollars. He prostested but took them.

  I walked up the driveway. The cats were sprawled about, pooped. In my next life I want to be a cat. To sleep 20 hours a day and wait to be fed. To sit around licking my ass. Humans are too miserable and angry and single-minded.

  I walked up and sat at the computer. It's my new consoler. My writing has doubled in power and output since I have gotten it. It's a magic thing. I sit in front of it like most people sit in front of their tv sets.

  "It's only a glorified typewriter,“ my son-in-law told me once.