Without it
Asia will hover
Between the maybes
Of making a decision
I glance at the clock
Above the door
Two minutes to go
A verdict is due
Sure, I say.
Like it’s nothing
Fingertips find my vertebrae
Five-four-three-two-one
Hoping that it is
Cluttered
I picture someone coming in
Looking at us from the back
The three of us
All in a row
Staring at Kierra’s computer screen
If someone saw us like this
Three girls
They’d never guess that one
Feels odd girl
Out
That one is me
Acting normal
Feeling off
Creeping around the hole
I have created
Between Kierra and I
Because I just can’t
Forgive and forget
“I’m not trying to be mean, but seriously, look at their page,” Kierra’s saying.
Clicking on the drop-down menu of a what-not-to-do page
“It’s not horrible,” Kierra says. “Just—”
“Cluttered,” Asia finishes.
“Exactly.”
And confused
I want to add
Realizing it’s me
Not the website
That’s a pick-up-sticks
Mess
“Now look at ours,”
Ever-so-humble Kierra says.
“I love it,” Asia says.
I want to wipe away
The adoration
That drips
Off her words
“I had a lot of help,” Kierra says.
“What do you think, Raesha?” Asia turns toward Kierra. “She took computer applications last year. Got an A.”
This last part was for Kierra
An explanation
As to why my opinion matters
It’s really clean. Professional.
Generous words
From a generous heart
Because that’s what I am
A generous girl
I get up from my chair
Step away
Pretending to check my phone
As the two of them chat
Head to head
About this soon-to-be project
That really doesn’t
Include
Me
Delivery
“I told you they’d be the only ones here,” Cody says
As he and Micah walk through the door
With a pizza and sodas
“He was worried there’d be a bunch of other people working and—” Cody begins.
Asia spins around
Springs out of her chair
“And you wouldn’t have brought enough for everyone, right?”
She says as she lays a kiss on Micah’s cheek
“My sweet guy.”
Cody bats his eyes
Clutches his hands
To his heart
“You’re such a love, Micah.”
Cody drapes his arms around my shoulders
Pulls me close in a hug
Sets a can of Coke
Diet
In front of me
“How much have you missed me?”
Tons.
“Hey, Kierra,” Cody says
Leaning in to look at the website on her computer screen
“Nice! You designed this?”
Kierra clicks through the drop-down menu
For Cody and Micah now
So in love with these pictures
That I don’t need to see
I stand back
Still odd girl out
Until Cody peels off
Remembers the pizza
That’s beginning to get cold
He doesn’t even ask
Just hands them out
Paper plates stacked high
Enough pizza for a couple of slices each
He hands me mine
Not noticing the way
I flinch at the smell
Pepperoni
“Your favorite,” he says.
I guess it used to be
Knowing he got it
For me
A kiss on the cheek, and he slides
To look at the pictures
I opt
Not to see
Preferring to stare
At this plate in my hands
Than the backs
Of my friends
A Few Alterations
Since I haven’t eaten all day
aside from the coffee
(ten calories a cup)
that has kept me awake
I can afford this
I tell myself
Pizza
Just one slice
With a few alterations
First the pepperoni
It has to go
Stacked in a tower
On the edge
Of the plate
I grab a wad of napkins
From beside the box
Lay one across a slice
A sponge
Soaking up the grease
Pooled on top
Of the cheese
First one napkin
Then two
The cheese sticks to the third
Which is fine
Because I don’t need that
Loaded
With
Fat
“What are you doing, weirdo?” Cody asks.
Guilty as charged
I scrunch up the napkins
Cringe as the oil leaks
Coats my hand
Nothing.
“You mutilated that thing.”
He gestures at my slice
A triangle of crust and sauce
I—
Asia glares
Less than impressed
By what she thinks
I’m doing
I’ve been sick to my stomach a lot lately. I think it might be cheese.
“What?” Cody says.
I just—
I mean—
I might be allergic. Lactose intolerant. So I’m not doing cheese right now.
Asia is still staring
Not buying my speech at all
Cody looks at Micah
Searching for some help
Micah shrugs
Because who doesn’t eat
Cheese?
“Whatever,” Cody says.
Topic closed
Loads up another plate
Hands it to Kierra
“You aren’t going to maim your slice, are you?” Cody asks.
Kierra laughs
“No, I love to eat. Especially pizza.”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Cody grins.
“Let me see your pictures, Asia,” Micah says.
Entirely over the pizza talk
And now it’s them
Four in a row
Backs to me
Studying Asia’s photos
“We’ll have to bring it up in the meeting tomorrow,” Micah says.
So in love
With this idea
And not just because Asia is excited
Even th
ough
That helps
“Or we could wait until we get the website up and running,” Kierra suggests.
“Even better!” Asia agrees. “A dramatic unveiling!”
Because she has always been one
For flair
Not that I care
Still standing
Off to the side
Minus five
No one’s looking
I wrap my pizza in a napkin
Fold my plate in half
Into the trash
Gone
Minus five
No one noticed
And what
If they did?
Impromptu Meeting
For me anyway
Because I forgot about it
Entirely
I seem to do that a lot lately
Forget things
I normally wouldn’t
Which Asia is quick to point out
“You seriously don’t remember? We talked about it yesterday in the computer lab.”
No, I—
“Whatever. Let’s go,” Asia says.
All rush
No patience
“Go grab your lunch and meet me there.”
Leaving me standing in the hall
Wondering what I should do
About the lunch
I didn’t bring
As she links up with Micah
Halfway down the hall
Heading toward Mr. Retsom’s room
A paper that needed doing
Extensive research
Library time required
Was supposed to have been my excuse
Today
But I know that won’t fly
The meeting will be short
All listening
Maybe a vote
And then
We’ll be done
I think
Maybe I can get away
With an empty desk
Even though everyone else
Will be eating
I’ll get something afterward
At least that’s what I’ll say
Fashionably Late
I slip into Mr. Retsom’s room
The meeting already underway
Insurance that no one will be able to ask
Where my lunch
Is
Cody saved me a desk
Next to his
Listening to Asia and Kierra
Explaining
What I’m assuming
Is going to be our fund-raiser this year
“Get ready to sell some tickets,” Cody whispers,
Tipping his head in the direction of the dry-erase board
“Tri-tip Beef Dinner!”
Is written in red and blue bubble letters
Awesome.
I mouth
Cody holds up half of the sandwich he’s eating
It’s tuna
I can smell it
“Where’s your lunch?”
Asia hears him this time
Gives him the eye
“Stop talking to me, Raesha! I’m trying to listen.”
Only this time his voice is a few decibels louder
He’s so funny
Or at least
That’s what he thinks
Sliding the half of his sandwich he hasn’t touched yet
Onto my desk
As he stares straight ahead
Hyperfocused
Ultrainterested in
What Asia is saying
It’s such a simple
Kind
Gesture
But tuna
Specifically, the mayonnaise
Will knock me three steps back
From my goal
The tomato
Lettuce
They will work
So I pick at those
Pulling them from between the slices of bread
Wishing I had a napkin
To wipe them off
“I’m thinking we’ll hold the dinner at the clubhouse,” Asia says
Turning to Kierra to further describe the location
“It’s the big building behind the fairgrounds. Huge kitchen. Meeting hall. Just up from the creek.”
“We could do it outside if the weather is nice,” Cody suggests.
I like this idea even better
Preferring to think about a fund-raiser
Rather than Cody’s sandwich
We could put up patio lights.
“Decorate the gazebo. Do linen tablecloths like they do for wedding receptions,” Asia continues.
“It sounds perfect,” Kierra says.
How grateful am I
To receive this pronouncement from her
Ordaining the location
That she has never even seen
Not up close anyway
Appropriate
Asia grabs a dry-erase marker
That she hands to me
My cue to
Start the to-do list
She is creating aloud
That starts with the tickets
That will need to be printed and sold
It’s impossible not to notice
Cody’s eyes slide
From the front of the room
To my desk
Left vacant
And the sandwich
I pretend to have forgotten
Never Ever
Mr. Kraftner clears his throat as he sits back down at his desk
His hand absently searching for the cup of coffee
Almost buried in the stacks of papers
He’s grading
Cody glances at Mr. Kraftner as he pulls a Kit Kat from his backpack
“We’ve got to get this done. I can’t have homework.”
He doesn’t have to say it
Because I know
Rodeo team practice
I’ve got it too
Cody unwraps the candy bar and breaks it
Half for him
Half for me
I set the Kit Kat on my desk
Where it makes a perfect pencil holder
I lay one in the groove between the wafers
I’m so innovative
Maybe I should patent this
Cody breaks his bars in half and slides them into his mouth
“Don’t you want it?”
Sure. Only not right now.
Or ever
It’s not that I can’t eat the candy bar
Because I could
If I wanted to
I just know
How the calories will seep through my body
Accumulate on my thighs
my hips
my stomach
my—
“But Kit Kats are your favorite,” he says.
I just don’t want to eat it this second. Is that all right?
The harsh syllables ricochet
Cody pulls his legs out of the aisle
Sits up straight
He picks up his ball cap from the corner of his desk
Kneads the bill in his hands
“I guess. It just seems like you never—”
Never what?
“I don’t know.” Cody stares at his ball cap. “Never mind.”
Even with the sun streaming in through the windows
I’m cold
I slide my hands under my legs
One of my knuckles pops
; As I roll my weight
Back and forth
Pressing the bones of my hands
Against my chair
It hurts
Cody looks at my arms
Where goose bumps have my hairs standing at attention
“Are you cold? Here.”
Cody pulls his sweatshirt over his head and hands it to me
I slide my arms into the sleeves
It is soft
Still warm
I stare at my textbook
Unopened
On my desk
Cody shoves the last piece of his candy bar in his mouth
He crunches it a few times and moves his lips around like a cow
“Do I have something in my teeth?”
Cody grins big
Showing off the chocolate chunks
Pressed into his teeth
Laughter bubbles up from my middle
Washing away my stress
Cody’s smiling
Because I’m smiling
At his grade-school joke
My pencil comes off my makeshift pencil holder
It smells like chocolate now
Cody’s writing already
So I’d better catch up
I open my textbook
But my thoughts are stuck on the
You never
Never what?
Never smile
Never laugh
Never eat
Never ever?
I eat
If I had a problem
Which I don’t
I’d never eat
I’m just fastidious
About what I put in my mouth
“What’d you get for number six?” Cody asks.
What? I look down at my notebook.
My pencil stopped moving somewhere between my name and the first problem
Cody looks at my page
At the clock on the wall above the door
At me
At the Kit Kat still on my desk
“Come on, Raesha. You haven’t even started.”
Never do my part
Can’t finish what you don’t start
Sorry. Give me a minute and I’ll catch up.
Cody nods
I try to push numbers through the equation
Everything’s about numbers
About making them fit
Numbers that I can’t slide into this equation
No matter how hard I try
I must be stupid
Because I can’t make them work
All these numbers in my head are making me crazy
Maybe I am crazy
The bell rings
We’re done
Books close
Cody’s got homework
I’ve got more
More time
With more numbers
That I’ve got to make
Fit
Forever Indebted