Asia races up from behind
Catches me around the shoulders
In a hug
Half tackle
Nearly knocking me down
As I step out of class
And into the hallway
“She’s getting a truck donated! A truck!”
I don’t know what she’s talking about
All I feel is annoyed
As my graph paper slips out of my binder
And fans
Across the floor
Cody is right behind me
Kneeling down
To gather my papers
While I extricate myself from Asia’s
Half nelson hug
Asia, stop! What are you even talking about?
“Kierra’s dad is going to donate a truck!”
To—
“To us!”
Cody stands
Hands me the haystack of paper
“Are you serious? A new truck?”
“No, a junker,” Asia teases. Too excited to be truly frustrated. “Yes! A new truck!”
I’m not getting it
For the team?
“Yes!”
Asia gives up on us
Cody
The diesel engine connoisseur turned skeptic
And me
Just out of the loop
Neither showing nearly enough enthusiasm
Turning instead to Micah
Walking down the hall toward us
“Micah! You don’t have to ask for donations for the auction anymore!”
I can tell by his smile that Micah doesn’t even care why
“Kierra’s dad is donating a truck! A new truck!”
Micah looks at Cody and me
The arch in his eyebrow
Shows he’s wondering
If this is a joke
“How did that happen?” he asks.
“Her dad owns a dealership in Nebraska. It will be a huge tax write-off for him.”
I can’t help wondering when Kierra’s dad
Suddenly appeared
What with her living with her grandma
And him
Not even in
The same state
“So instead of candy bars and car washes—” Cody begins.
“Or a silent auction—” Micah chimes in.
“We’re going to sell raffle tickets for a truck!”
“Are we even going to have a dinner then?” I ask.
Wondering who can do that
Give away
A truck
“Yes. Instead of a silent auction, we’ll announce the winner at the dinner,” Asia says.
“I guess you’ll have to return all those items you’ve gotten donated, Micah,” Cody says.
“I would have gotten more if I’d had any help,” he says.
Cody traces the path of an imaginary tear down his cheek
“Did you even get any?” Asia asks.
“No, but—”
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter!” Asia says. “I have to go find Mr. Bradford. Kierra and I are meeting up with him to conference call her dad in about five minutes. We have to figure out how to do all the paperwork for such a huge donation!”
Asia throws in a few skips and a twirl
As she disappears into the after-school throng
Leaving me
Without a ride home
“Do you care if we drop off Micah first?” Cody asks.
“I’ve got little-sister babysitting duty,” Micah explains.
Since I’ll be occupying the middle of the bench seat
In Cody’s truck
Sure. I don’t mind, I say,
And fall into step with Cody and Micah
“I hope it’s a nice truck,” Cody says.
“If it’s new it doesn’t matter.”
“True. Even if it’s a base model—”
I know this is only the beginning
Of the truck talk
That won’t end
Until we drop Micah off
Not that I mind
It just would have been nice—
I mean
I could have helped
Figure out the paperwork
If Asia
Had asked
Almost
Look at our legs
Our arms
Pushing cotton shirtsleeves to our shoulders
Hiking up our shorts
To show off our suntans
At least that’s what we called them
Loving the way the dust
Coated us brown
After it settled on our skin
Pounded out of the earth by our horses’ hooves
Loping after the cattle we knew better than to chase
But did
Asia always gave up first
Went in easier
For a bath to wash off her tan
My mom let it slide
Holding back the laughter
Gathering behind her lips
Shut tight in a smile
Enchanted by my grade-school vanity
Swooned into sleep by the smell
The feel
Of the dust and the sky against my skin
Maybe that’s what fills me up
The dust and the sky
Wrapping around my shoulders
Even after the day I’ve had
As I walk around the arena
Fancy right behind
Long way back to the trailer
Fancy’s breath on the back of my hand
Coming softer now
Walking the sweat that darkened her neck and chest
Dripped from beneath her saddle pad
Dry
Watching Asia make her last run
Yelling her luck
As she and Scuba trace the cloverleaf round
Knowing before the electric eye blinks
That it’s hers
Best time of the night
I need to find Cody
But for now
I want to savor this
Moment
When everything feels so right
I can almost believe
I’m enough
Just as I
Am
A Moment Too Long
When people ask me what my favorite color is
I say green
Because I don’t know what to call it
This color the sky turns
When the sun and moon meet
One setting
The other rising
Winking at each other through the indigo touched with gold
It only lasts a moment
The sky looking this way
I know I should go
Keep walking
To the other end of the arena
Where Cody’s waiting
But it will only be a moment
So I climb onto the fence
Green metal panels hinge-pinned together
Forming the catacomb of pens off to the side of the arena
To inhale the sky
This color
Before it’s swallowed by the black
Dragged in by the moon
I am at peace
I can see him from here
In the space between the trucks and trailers
With eight
Maybe nine
Other ropers
Winding and tossing loops
At the hay bale st
eer
So busy laughing at their ropes
Coming to rest around
Bouncing off
The bovine mannequin’s plastic head
They don’t notice it
The color of the sky
It’s sad
Them not noticing
I wonder if I should show Cody
Come up behind him
Wrap my arms around his waist
Lift his eyes to the sky with the words I breathe into his ear
I should show him
Before it’s too late
Before the magic is gone
That suddenly doesn’t matter
Because all I can see is Kierra
Come out from behind his truck
Climb onto the side of the bed
To sit with her legs dangling
Heels hooked on the wheel well
Of Cody’s truck
She’s not looking at the sky
Or the hay bale steer
Head anatomically correct
Except for the plastic smile
Just at Cody
Standing with his back to her
Close enough for her to swipe his ball cap
Off his head
He spins on his heels
Grabbing at the hat
She’s flagging through the air
Laughing so wild
So hard
That she falls
Off the edge of the bed
Into
Onto
Him
Not letting go
Of his shoulders
Neither of them pushing out of the leaning
That’s pressing them together
So close he notices a smudge
An eyelash
On her cheek
Wiping it off with his thumb
The ocean filling my ears
Roars
With waves
The water
Rushing in so fast it’s hard to see
To understand
Why
He didn’t push away
Out of the arms around his shoulders
Cody
My Cody
Who I suddenly don’t know
If I Were
If I was the kind of girlfriend to get angry
Or jealous
This would bother me
But since I’m not
It doesn’t
Because technically it’s Mrs. Morrison
Who sent them to the library together
Paired for a health project
That doesn’t really matter
Even if he does it with her
Instead of with me
Because it’s Mrs. Morrison’s idea that they be a pair
Mrs. Morrison who sent them off to the library to pick up the books
For their project
That doesn’t include me
not that I care
because I’m not the kind of girlfriend who gets jealous
wastes energy getting mad over decisions that have
nothing to do with me
Even after what I saw
Last
Night
But the thing is
Mrs. Morrison sent me to the office after they left
To pick up copies
Technically I could go
Should go
Have gone directly to the office
Rather than through the hallway
That bisects our school
Library on one side
Computer lab on the other
But I don’t
Which is why I’m here now
In the doorway of the library
Where Cody and Kierra sit
At a round table in the middle of the library
With a book spread open between them
when they could each be using their own
Sitting side by side, talking and laughing
when they should be sitting across from each other
Kierra looks over her shoulder
Stalker
Stalker
Caught
Acknowledges me with a smile
As she drapes her arm
Around the back
Of Cody’s chair
Before she turns away
From me
Sliding her attention across the table
Back to him
Cody
My Cody
Laughing and talking
With her
Not even seeing me
Standing
Here
I Know What I Saw
I didn’t say anything
But as irrational as I know this is
I feel like he should know
Sense
That I saw them
More specifically
Saw Kierra
With her arm
Around him
I know I’m being crazy
Because if I would have asked Cody
Would have mentioned that I saw them
First, last night
And then today
Sitting like that
If I could have heard that the laughing and the library were nothing
That he hadn’t even noticed her arm
Around the back of his chair
Then I would probably be
All right
But the thing is
I don’t trust myself
To bring it up
Because lately
Jagged words
Fly
Out of my mouth
Before I can stop
Them
Which is why I’m sitting here
At the lunch table
Next to him
Staring at the brown paper bag
Holding a sandwich
I’m not going to eat
Leaner
Lighter
Faster
Minus five
“Does your dad still need my help tonight, Rae?” Cody asks
Reminding me that they were going to fix something
On the engine of the tractor
That broke down
With a round bale balanced on the implement
Halfway to the feeder
The other night
I’m guessing so. The tractor’s still out in the middle of the pasture.
“What are you doing to it?” Micah asks.
Cody pops his milk carton open
As he launches into a conversation
About diesel engines
That I wish I cared
About
Reassuring myself that he will be
At my house
Not hers
Tonight
Working with my dad
I scan the cafeteria for Asia
Wanting her here
Even though I know she’ll notice
My lunch
Still in the sack
I just want to run it by her
Before I bring it up with him
The arm
Around him
The chair?
Not to mention
The smile
But I’m not seeing her
Wondering where Asia could be
Micah—
Hearing how rude I am
As I interrupt
Do you know where—
Cody elbows me
Accidentally
As he lifts his hand
returns her wave from across the cafeteria
Which smells like the tomato sauce
That should have gone on the spaghetti
Until it burned hard
Which is why everyone has crammed into the line
Where she is standing
Waiting for the pizza they are serving instead
She waves
I elbow Cody back
On purpose
On accident?
As I slam away from the lunch table
Leaving Cody openmouthed
His eyes asking why
I’m being so crazy
Again
Just Tell Him
Asia’s family can’t possibly eat at this table
Clean laundry is stacked into towers
That never seem to end
Asia pushes a pile of shirts to the side
Sets down her cup of cocoa
“It’s not a big deal. Not unless you make it into one. Just tell him you’re sorry. Call him.”
This comes after
Me crying
Her listening
About how angry I’d gotten in the cafeteria
Wondering if Cody could ever
Forgive me
For forgetting I’m not the kind of girlfriend to get angry or jealous
Asia promising he would
Because that’s what best friends do
Even when they don’t really
Know
Can’t help but
Feel
Confused about it all
We both know that Cody
The guy who found a hundred-dollar bill
On the floor
Of the movie theater
And turned it in to the manager
Last month
Doesn’t have it in him
To cheat
On me
Blue and Cow sit on either side of me
Canine bookends
Resting their chins on my legs
Stepping away to make room for Alexi
Back from feeding
her horse—
her goats—
and her seven lop-eared rabbits
Monday through Sunday
one named for each day of the week
To crawl into my lap
Still wearing her coveralls and black rubber barn boots
Plucking a dryer sheet out of the stack of laundry to wipe away my tears
Suggesting that cookies always made her feel better
Especially the ones with M&M’s in them
“Blow,” she’d instructed.
Holding the dryer sheet to my nose
Not understanding why anyone would be embarrassed about being sad
Just glad that Asia and I were laughing again
So we followed Alexi’s lead
Singing “Happy Birthday to You” three times while soaping our hands
Just like her teacher had taught her