In front of me
That needs to be filled
Before more offers come
I reach into my lunch sack and pull out
The red pepper
snow peas
celery
carrots
“That better not be your whole lunch,” Asia says.
Why?
“Because that’s not a lunch.”
“Unless you’re a rabbit,” Cody volunteers.
Micah ducks under our words
Across the table
Makes a grab for his Oreos
Sending Cody’s pop rolling across the table
Spewing Coke into Asia’s lap
“Micah!” Asia jumps up
Saves her sandwich
Just in time
Cody and Micah throw their napkins at the puddle
Growing into a lake
I run and grab some more
By the time I’m back
Asia is in the restroom
Cleaning up
Cody and Micah are still wiping
The table dry
I finish cleaning up
Slide the soppy napkins
Onto an empty tray
Someone has left behind
I take it to the trash
Along with my lunch
Where I
Toss
It
All
Glancing up at the clock on the cafeteria wall
As the warning bell bleats
Seven minutes and counting
Until I have my next class
I wouldn’t have had time to eat
My lunch
Even
If
I
Wanted
Passing Period
Life happens
Between the school bells
Fourth block is gone
Three
Two
One
Minute to go and fifth block
Will be here
I stand outside the doorway
To my class
As Asia fumbles
In her bag
“I know I’ve got it.”
Hair falling into her eyes
As she searches for the calculator
She borrowed
That I’ll need
“Asia!” Kierra calls.
Pulls out of the crush
Moving through the hall
Asia looks up
focus gone
“Hey, Kierra.”
“Go ahead and do it. Put me on the ballot. I’ll run.”
“Really?” Asia looks at me
Smiles
Like Kierra just gave us
The most fabulous gift
Ever
Great.
I say
Thinking only of
My dog
my dog
Crying
“It will be good, right? A chance to get to know more people?” Kierra says.
“Absolutely!”
Kierra tucks her hair behind her ear
“Is there anything I have to do?”
“Nope. Just show up for our meeting. Tomorrow. After school. Mr. Retsom’s room.”
“Thanks again for thinking of me.”
“No problem.”
Asia shrugs her bag onto her shoulder
Kierra slides through the door to her classroom
On the other side of the hall
The bell rings
I’m now officially late for class
“Isn’t this great? Cody will be so excited, right? Now he won’t have to sell candy bars again.”
He’ll be excited
About more than the candy bars
Sure. Calculator?
“Oh, right! Sorry!”
Asia pulls it out of her bag
Shoves it into my hand
And is
Gone
I glance at my calculator
Running my thumb over the plus and minus keys
As I slide into my desk
Reminding myself
That I can’t let Kierra
Or anything else
Get in the way
Of my goal
smaller
leaner
lighter
faster
like
my
mom
Ice-cube Popsicle
All the ingredients separated into tiny glass bowls
On a counter
So large it’s an island
In a kitchen big as our living room
This chef
She’s my favorite
Wearing more black this season than last
When she wore lots of red
Heavier now than she was then
Not a lot
But enough
To wear black
The woodstove is chock-full of wood
Burning so hot Blue’s tongue dangles
He’s splayed out on the couch next to me
Like he’s sunbathing
And I’m warm
For the first time all week
Cozy
In two pairs of sweats
wool socks
hooded sweatshirt
If Dad were home
He’d give me a bad time
About using so much wood
Because it hasn’t been
That cold
Unseasonably warm
For February
But he’s not here
It’s just me
And Blue
Watching the perfect chef
In her perfect kitchen
Making the perfect meal
Commercial break
I catapult
Off the couch
Into motion
jumping jacks—running-in-place—high knees—football shuffle—running-in-place—heels to butt
up and down the stairs—once-twice-three times with Blue at my heels—skidding across the linoleum in the kitchen—snake an ice-cube Popsicle from the freezer
And return to our regularly scheduled programming
To sit cross-legged on the couch
Licking an ice-cube Popsicle
Watching
The perfect chef
In her perfect kitchen
Making the perfect meal
That neither she
Or I
Will eat
Schizo
When the night falls open
Eclipsing the day
The monologue
Begins
Recounting the moments that
Could have
Should have
Been
If only I would have
Could have
Done this
Said that
Listening to this monologue
Detailing
Everything that should have happened, but didn’t
The day that should have been
But wasn’t
Because I didn’t
Hadn’t been able to
Frown then
Laugh when
This must be what it’s like to be schizophrenic
Your internal world
Your mind
Crowded and consumed
Second Time This Week
I swore I wouldn’t do it again
Swore on my mother’s grave
This
Again
It doesn’t matter though
My best intentions
Evanescent
I’m sick
I’m weak
My throat burns from the bile
I wish it hurt more
Penance
jump rope
Penance
jumping jacks
Penance
more jumping jacks
It’s not fast enough, not hard enough, not enough
In the bathroom
I rinse my mouth
Raise my eyes to the medicine cabinet
Cold sweat
Shivering
The mirror is a pond
My image
Floats
On its surface
The weight of the water
Still and dark
Beckons
I fall
A.M. Routine
The number
Didn’t go down
It didn’t go up
But it didn’t go down
It should have
After last night
The linoleum is cold under my bare feet as I step off the scale
So I step back on
Same number
My clothes are folded square
Stacked on top of the toilet lid
Only I forgot to grab socks from my dresser
Which means I’ll have to run
To my bedroom when I’m dressed
My feet freezing
Which makes me mad
And my face
Looks fat
My legs
Are fat
Not that I care
Because maybe if I weren’t so weak
I wouldn’t be
So fat
It’s just that my
Feet
Are turning to ice on the bathroom floor
And I can’t shove
My legs
Into my jeans fast enough
Or my arms
Into my shirt quick enough
Because I’m so fucking cold
I move fast fast fast out of the bathroom
Into my room
Where I ram my toe into a stack of books on the floor
Spin away on one foot
Hopping tripping over these fucking books
That I send flying
“You okay up there?” Dad calls.
Yeah, I just tripped.
Only Blue knows better
Standing on the opposite side of the bed
Staring at me
I hate myself for not remembering
That he always waits for me
Curled in a fuzzy dog ball
While I get ready for school
I’m so selfish that I didn’t even think
About how I’d scare him awake
With those books
Flying through the air
Those books that could have hit him,
But all I ever think about is me
I crawl over the bed and kneel on the floor next to him
His body doesn’t bend into the hug I give him
So I take his face in my hands
He looks
Over my shoulder
I’m sorry, buddy.
A micro tail wag
I say it again
He sideswipes me with his tongue
All is forgiven
At least on his part anyway
Rainstorm
The smells float up the stairs
Waffles and sausage
Make my mouth fill with saliva
The kind that used to come when I’d get hungry
Now reminds me of getting sick
The way your mouth waterfalls cold
Just before you throw up
Blue follows me down the stairs
Into the living room
Where Asia’s waiting
She and Dad are standing in the middle of the living room
Watching the news
Dad must’ve changed the channel when she arrived
Because he always watches cartoons in the morning
A fact nobody knows but Mom and me
Or, Mom did
Dad can’t stand to start the day hearing about murders and car crashes
“Morning,” Asia says.
Morning.
“We’re just trying to find a weather report to see how long this rain will last.”
Dad sets the remote on the coffee table
Steps out of the living room
Into the kitchen
Returns with two waffle sandwiches wrapped in napkins
Gives one to me
One to Asia too
Sausage and egg
Glued to the waffles with maple syrup and salt
Just a little bit of the salt
To go with the sweet
I used to love
Now all I can think about are the beads of
Fat
That make the sausage
Pop
Between my teeth
We walk out the door
Stop at the edge of the porch
Stand for a second
Staring into the gray mist
Melting out of the clouds
“You look tired.”
Asia’s not looking at me when she says it
For some reason I wish she was
Thanks.
“Sorry, I’m not trying to be mean, but you do.”
The waffle sandwich is warm in my hand
The iron pressed squares cup my fingertips
As I squeeze
The layers together
“We better get going. I have to make copies before first block.”
Why?
“Agendas. Rodeo club meeting. Did you forget?”
How could I?
But I had
Actually forgotten
That’s the thing about nights
Like last night
when I let the food in
had to force it out
They wipe
Everything
Clean
Asia looks at me now
Begins her sentence with a sigh
“Please don’t be weird about this.”
I’m not.
“Whatever. You should cut her some slack. It was an accident, you know? Besides, we’re doing more than electing a new secretary. We have a whole rodeo to plan.”
Asia pulls the hood of her jacket up before she steps
Off the porch
Into the rain
I do the same
Honestly
Not meaning to let my supposed-to-be breakfast
Fall out of my hand
Onto the ground
It’s an accident
You know
Asia jogs around to the driver’s side of the truck
Her head bowed against the gray
She doesn’t even see it happen
And I’m glad
So glad as I swing the passenger door open
Climb into the truck
I lick the syrup off my fingers
Repeating it in my head
That number
Minus five
The List is Long
Arena Director
Announcer
Secretary
Judges
Timers
Stock Contractor
Bullfighters
Pickup riders
Just to name a few
Then there are the sponsors
For buckles
Saddles
Headstalls
Who is getting those
This year?
Asia is asking
Micah is listing
On the dry-erase board at the front of the room
As the rest of our team sits
Behind desks
In this classroom
Turned club meeting space
Then there’s the issue of a fund-raiser
Hopefully singular
Not plural
Asia continues
Because as we all know
The annual Salida Springs High School Rodeo
Isn’t a cheap
Affair
Kierra actually has a notebook out
Which makes me mad
(irrational I know)
But seriously
She’s not even secretary
Yet
I’m not going to be
That person
The petty
Angry one
Who breaks a team
A friendship
In half
I remind myself of that
As I lean over
And take Cody’s water bottle off his desk
Unscrewing the cap
Expecting water
Getting lemonade
The shock of the sugar
Calories
Hitting my throat
Makes me cough
Cody laughs
At the lemonade
Nearly coming out
My nose
“Give me that,” he whispers.
Swiping it from my hand
“Raesha will take care of the sponsors,” he volunteers
As I try to catch my breath
Between coughs
“Perfect,” Asia says
Directing Micah
To write my name down
I kick Cody in the calf
With the heel of my boot
Because now everyone is looking at us
And laughing
Not a lot
But enough
Cody winks at me
Knowing it’s my turn
To volunteer him for something
Now
None of them realizing that the only thing
Running through my mind
Are numbers
Ninety-nine calories per eight ounces
In the lemonade
I didn’t mean
To swallow
Meeting Adjourned
I check the box
Next to her name
On the paper ballot
Micah
Handed me
The voting
The last item on the agenda
Today
Ignoring the way Asia
Is leaning into her conversation with Kierra
The two of them sitting side by side