Forgiveness and Permission, Page 3

  Derrick shot him a look. “Will you cut it out? You’re in her house.” He touched his forehead, covering the area that was bleeding.

  I knelt next to him. The blood trickled across his scalp.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Marie asked from the kitchen. She half hid herself behind the archway wall, looking in after us.

  “Cut his head,” I said. I took out the peroxide and started the process of cleaning and covering.

  Derrick’s eyes flitted to Marie curiously. His cheeks tinted. I wondered if he was embarrassed that he’d gotten hurt in front of a couple of girls. He didn’t seem this embarrassed when I first saw his cut.

  Marie exposed more of herself, putting her arms over her stomach and watching. It caught me off guard. She hadn’t come out much when the other guys were around.

  I touched a cotton ball to Derrick’s head and he seethed. “Ouch. I’ll do it.”

  I relinquished the materials to him, but I helped apply the bandage since he couldn’t see his own cut. “Why were you laughing when you got hurt?” I asked.

  “Would rather laugh than cry,” he said.

  I thought it was a good point. I wondered if I could manage to get myself to laugh next time I was hurt. Was it possible? It didn’t seem like a natural reaction.

  “It’s just like last week,” Tom said. “He almost broke his arm trying to climb on top of that barn in the middle of the woods. He was lucky I was nearby and heard him signal.”

  “Signal?” I asked. “What’s the signal?”

  Tom opened his mouth to reply but Micah punched him in the arm. “Don’t tell her. She’ll tell those freaks and then they’ll know, too.”

  Derrick rolled his eyes. “She’s not really with them. I mean, she’s not ...” he looked at me.

  I understood what he meant, but at the same time I blanched and tilted my head back in surprise that he said it. I wasn’t part of the secret Academy, so he was trying to say because of that reason, I could be trusted to know their secret signal. What hurt was that he noticed something about me that I worried about. I was friends with the Academy guys, but I really wasn’t a part of it. Outsider.

  “We’re just friends,” I said “But I mean, we’re friends too, aren’t we? But if you don’t want me to tell them the signal, then I won’t. What’s it for?”

  “It’s just an emergency call,” Derrick said. “We made it so if one of us got lost in the back woods or ended up hurt somewhere, you could call and we would hear it. You know, without the others knowing and calling in Kota or Nathan. They’d ride us about going off alone or treat us like we’re idiots.”

  “They probably don’t mean to do that,” I said.

  “They still do it,” Micah said. “So don’t tell them we have one. And we’ll know who it is if you tell because we haven’t told anyone for a couple of years now.”

  “Well tell me,” I said. “If I hear it, I’ll come for you.”

  Micah twisted his lips, unsure.

  “It sounds like this,” Tom said. He put a hand to his mouth as if using it as a megaphone and made a call that sounded like a mix between a pig’s squeal and a crow. “Suuweeee!”

  I tried to duplicate the sound. Derrick repeated it, and I mimicked again.

  “Good,” Derrick said. “You’ve got it. Now don’t tell the other guys.”

  A secret from the Academy? It made some sense. Not all emergencies required Academy students running to the rescue. I also liked the idea of having my own secret that wasn’t so important. I was kind of glad Derrick and the others thought they could trust me with it. They didn’t even question the idea of me possibly helping. Not that I knew my way around the woods, but I could at least follow a signal and my sense of direction was pretty good.

  “So it’s only for emergencies?” I asked.

  Derrick shrugged. “Sometimes it’s because I’ve been looking for these two and don’t want to walk all over the place to find them.”

  “You need cell phones.” I grinned. A tickling in the back of my brain caught me. “Speaking of which, I should grab mine before the Academy cavalry comes back after me for not answering.”

  Derrick laughed.

  Micah groaned. “See? She is mixed with them.”

  I ran up the stairs for my cell phone, which was in the bed. I loitered in the doorway of my bedroom. I could almost smell the boys’ scents still lingering in the air. It was tempting to disappear into the attic space, where the secret platform held a bean bag chair and their pictures. For the moment, I was really alone, the first time in a week.

  A rush of questions threatened to overwhelm me. They were all the questions I kept in the back of my mind when the boys were around and distracting. What would happen if my mother returned? Would she demand my dad take me then? Would my dad say no? If my parents didn’t want me, and Kota didn’t want me to join the Academy, where else could I go?

  I’d have to find my own way, with or without the Academy.

  BACK TO WORK

  At four a.m. the next Monday, I was jolted awake by another nightmare. I sat up with my heart thundering, feeling Nathan shifting beside me. He half moaned and turned away, drawing up the covers and falling into a deeper sleep.

  I eased myself out of the bed, trying not to wake him. I rubbed my hands over my face, to get rid of the images that still haunted my brain. I stifled a groan, realizing North had asked me to call him whenever I had dreams like this. I found my phone in the dark and tiptoed out of the bedroom.

  I slipped downstairs in order to be quiet. I parked myself in the family room, sitting on the orange couch. My heart rattled still at the images flashing across my mind. My fingers hovered over the phone, hesitating. It was so early. I wondered about simply waiting until later in the morning or at school.

  Part of me knew if I waited, North would be hurt since I’d promised to call when it happened. I sucked in some bravery and pushed North’s app, finding the black button to call him.

  North answered on the first ring. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it’s early.”

  “I was up,” he said, his voice gruff and I wondered if what he said was true. “What’s going on?”

  “I ... there was another dream.”

  North’s end of the line sounded like he was yawning. “Tell me about it.”

  I told him about twisting tornadoes of fire swirling over an open sea and how the tides came up and washed out nearly everything. I’d been helping to drag dead bodies to the beach, setting them on fire because there were simply too many to bury.

  “Did you know where you were?” he asked. “Where was this beach?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t know the people, either. I was just trying to help and didn’t feel ...”

  “You were overwhelmed?”

  The truth struck me. How did he sum up my feelings so well? “Yes.”

  “Things will be okay, Sang Baby. We’ve got to take it one step at a time.”

  “It’s just a dream,” I said.

  “Dreams can sometimes be what you’re worried about, just painted into a different picture.”

  “So you’re saying they mean something?”

  “From what you’ve told me about your dreams, it’s like your way of playing out feelings in the worst ways possible. You know you’ve told me about a dream nearly every night for the past week?”

  “Sorry.”

  “Baby, do you want me to come over?”

  I’d already woken him. I didn’t want him to have to drive, too. “No, it’s okay. Nathan’s already over here.”

  “I don’t really give a fuck if Nathan’s there. If you want me to come by, I’ll do it.”

  The thought was tempting, but I didn’t want to put him out. “It’s okay. I mean I’ll see you in a couple hours at school, right?”

  North huffed into the phone. “Sang...”

  “Yeah?”

  Pause. “Never mind. Yeah. I’ll see you at school.”
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  When he hung up, I stayed on the couch, staring at the phone and wondering if maybe he wasn’t just feeling lonely and I’d made a mistake by being so nonchalant about him coming over.

  At seven am, I squatted inside the attic space in my room, staring into a custom made wardrobe and trying to read Gabriel’s mind as to which skirt went with which blouse.

  Nathan was hunched in the attic doorway nearby. “Just pick something.”

  I grumbled, pulling out a sporty cotton skirt in a dark blue and a light gray cotton blouse. They were the most comfortable looking things, and on a personal level, that was all I really wanted. Gabriel might have a conniption, but it looked okay to wear to me. Since I’d been gone for so long with the startling revelation from my parents and from my father being gone, I would probably be noticed. I didn’t want to stand out so much on my first day back by wearing some of the nicer things he’d bought.

  I crawled out of the attic. Nathan was already dressed, wearing the uniform still required by the principal for Academy students, with dark pants and the formal white dress shirt unbuttoned all the way to reveal his white undershirt. The blazer was a dark blue and had a patch with wings and keys and a hidden heart. I hated that they had to wear the things, but the patch made me smile when I saw it. I secretly enjoyed that Gabriel kept the hidden heart in the design.

  I changed quickly in the bathroom. When I was done, Nathan wasn’t in my room, and neither was my book bag or my violin case. I pulled some sandals on and rushed down the stairs to look for him.

  Nathan was in the kitchen, sticking his head into the fridge. Marie waited behind him. My heart stopped. I knew she knew they’d been spending the night and so far she hadn’t said anything. I’d been too angry with my parents leaving that I didn’t consider that she might be uncomfortable with having them around. We hadn’t talked much since our father left. I wasn’t really sure how to approach her.

  Nathan pulled back with four Starbucks coffee bottles in his hands.

  I blinked after Nathan. “Where’d we get those?”

  “I brought them from my house yesterday.” He passed one off to Marie. “Kota’s going to be here in a second with the car. “Do you want a ride to school?”

  A ride? We were riding to school in Kota’s car? When was he going to tell me? And now he was asking Marie?

  Marie shook her head, twisting the cap off of the coffee. “Danielle’s new boyfriend has a car. I’m going to wait at her house and he’s going to give us a ride.” She turned to me. “She’s going to spend the night here this weekend.”

  My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Okay?” Was she asking? Or was she informing? I wasn’t too sure I liked the idea of Danielle knowing our parents were gone, but what could I say to that when Nathan had spent the night yesterday?

  Nathan frowned but said nothing. He handed off the rest of the coffees to me, picked up my things and his own book bag and nudged me toward the door. “We’re going,” he said. “See you later.”

  Marie sipped her coffee and ran back upstairs.

  We went out in the garage and walked toward the driveway. Nathan nudged my hand with his. “You shouldn’t let Marie have Danielle over.”

  “What? Why? You stay the night. How could I ask her not to have her own friend over?”

  “I don’t think I like the idea,” he said. “If word gets around that your parents are gone, and if Marie really wanted to, she could start throwing parties, or Danielle would bully Marie to do it.”

  I hadn’t thought of that. It would be insane to try to throw a party now. “But I’m not in charge. What could I say to her?”

  Kota’s old model sedan pulled into the driveway. Nathan ran around the car and opened the front passenger side door, eyeballing me expectantly. I sucked in a breath at the unnecessary niceness but said thank you as I got in.

  I handed a coffee over to Kota as Nathan was getting in. Kota grinned at me, taking it and snapping the top. He took a long, slow sip. His lips squelched after. “It’s too sweet.”

  “She likes them,” Nathan said, reaching for one.

  “It’s baby coffee,” Kota said. “It’s probably more a sugar rush than a caffeine buzz she’s getting.”

  “Have to work her up to the other stuff.”

  Kota put the car into reverse and started down the road. He picked up his phone as he headed out of Sunnyvale Court, punching at an icon and putting the phone to his face. “Victor? Just checking in. Haven’t heard from you. Yeah, I’ve got Sang and Nathan. We’re riding in today.”

  “Hi, Victor,” I said.

  “And Sang says hi,” Kota repeated. “No. You’ll see her in a second.” He hung up and smiled at me. “Victor says hi.”

  “Didn’t even bother to say hi to me,” Nathan said, following with a sarcastic huff.

  When we got to school, the other guys were already there, clustered around a couple of the benches in the center courtyard. I felt edgy, and wanted to stand. Part of it was the coffee that rattled through my empty stomach like a Mexican jumping bean in a tin can. Mostly I was nervous about being back after having spent so much time away, and feeling like so much had happened. While there was a school holiday taking Thursday and Friday off last week, having been gone the entire week made it feel like a lifetime.

  There was a faux sense inside me that students were watching, and they all knew. There’s Sang, the girl with a dead mother and parents who didn’t want her.

  Gabriel was chatting with Kota. After a few moments, he spotted me. His eyebrows furrowed, and he shoved his fingers through a lock of blond hair, mixing it with the russet brown. “Oy,” he said. He curled his fingers at me, and patted the spot next to him, scooting over. “Come sit.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him I felt like standing. I wedged myself onto the corner of the seat. My thigh pinched up against his.

  He sat back, planting a hand on the bench right behind my butt. “I give you all those nice new clothes, and you’re fucking them up.” He tugged at the sleeve of the gray top. “You have to wear something brighter with that skirt. Now you’re just too dull.”

  “I just wanted something comfortable,” I said.

  “What’s not comfortable? Name something you have that isn’t comfortable and I’ll throw it out.” He studied my face. “Trouble, look at me, sweetie.”

  I had thought I was looking at him, but I realized I was staring at the collar of his white shirt and at the red tie, not looking at his face. I met his crystal blue eyes. My insides quivered enough that it rattled my arm against his.

  “Whoa,” he said. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Sang, you’re shaking.”

  “She always does that,” Silas said. He smiled from across the courtyard, winking at me with those dark brown eyes.

  “It’s the coffee,” Nathan said. “She hasn’t eaten anything else.”

  “Here,” Luke said. He shuffled into his book bag, pulling out a couple of beef jerky sticks.

  Gabriel caught the sticks one handed in the air. He bit down on the edge with his teeth into the plastic to open it and handed me the first one. “Here.”

  Heat ran over my face, but I did as I was told. I still felt shaky, but at least there was something in my stomach.

  The bell rang. Gabriel pouted. “Never enough time.” He gave me a quick little side hug before heading off to class.

  I fell in line with North and Luke heading to homeroom. They were talking about the diner. I put my head on the desk, just so I wasn’t in the way of their conversation.

  Mr. Ferguson mumbled the last of the names out for roll call. There was a buzzer on the intercom and a voice erupted from the speaker. “Mr. Ferguson, is ... Sang Sorenson in there?”

  My head shot up off my desk. Luke sat up, gazing at me with his lips parted. A hand brushed at my back and I knew North was just as awake and paying attention.

  Mr. Ferguson held the button below the intercom. “Yes, she’s here.”

  “Have her come up
to the office, please. Thank you.”

  My mind flew into a frenzy. They knew about my parents. I’m an abandoned kid. They were going to cart Marie and I off to some shelter or something worse. My heart thundered in my chest. I really didn’t need this on my first day back.

  “Leave your stuff,” Luke said. “I’ll take it to class.”

  I nodded, releasing my book bag and the violin case to him. When I was standing, North’s eyes met mine and it looked like he was asking me if he should go along, too. I didn’t know how that would work so I drifted my hand in the air in a motion to suggest that he should stay. “Probably nothing,” I muttered to him.

  I wished I felt that was true.

  I walked alone through the empty hallways. My sandals echoed against the tile. I smoothed out the dark blue skirt I was wearing, trying to push the hem down to ensure I was well within regulation. I tried to tell myself this had to be something trivial, like paperwork I forgot to get my parents to sign. Maybe I dropped something and it was being returned.

  I entered the waiting room for the main office and the secretary asked me to have a seat. I felt flustered, wondering why they had asked me to come up if they were busy. I sat in one of the burnt orange chairs that almost matched the worn carpet. There was a buzz of movement, and paper shuffling, and phones ringing behind the half wall that separated the waiting room from the secretary’s desk.

  The bell rang for class change. I swallowed. Kota and Gabriel would know I was called up. Luke was stuck carrying my things to class. Would I make it back in time to grab my things before the next class started?

  I touched at the phone I carried in my bra as if to reassure myself it was there. I was tempted to ring up Mr. Blackbourne or Dr. Green and let them know I was uncomfortable, but I thought if it turned out to be some menial paperwork that it would be stupid to bug them.

  Principal Hendricks’s hulky figure appeared in the opening to the hallway. His piercing gaze settled on me. “Miss Sang? Would you follow me?”

  My mouth parted. I leapt up, intending to reach in for my phone but another administrator emerged from the front door, and I had to hurry to catch up with Principal Hendricks.