KARL
Bev, it was never my intention to stir up –
BEV
Ohhh, no, I think maybe it was.
KARL
(continuous)
– such acrimonious feelings, but there is a situation, which –
BEV
Well, maybe if you had known my son a little better. If anyone had taken the time, the way that Francine took the time –
(RUSS has produced an envelope from the footlocker. He steps forward removing the letter – on yellow legal paper.)
RUSS
Here you go, Karl. Let’s all read a little something, shall we?
BEV
What are you - ?
RUSS
(reading)
Dear Mom and Dad.
BEV
(realizing)
Stop it!!!
RUSS
(reading)
I know you’ll probably blame yourselves –
BEV
(losing it completely)
Russ, stop it stop it stop stop stop it!!!!
JIM
Russ. Don’t.
KARL
(to RUSS)
I think you’re unstable, Russ. I really do.
BEV
(turning back to JIM)
You see what this is like? You see?
(to RUSS)
Well, I refuse to live this way any longer!!
(She goes into the bathroom and slams the door behind her.)
RUSS
(starting over, calmly)
Dear Mom and Dad.
JIM
Russ?
RUSS
I know you’ll probably blame yourselves for what I’ve done –
JIM
Need you to calm down.
RUSS
And you can go fuck yourself.
KARL
Well, that is over the line, mister. That is not language I will tolerate in front of my wife.
RUSS
(beat, then:)
She’s deaf, Karl!! Completely – (waving to BETSY, fake-jolly) Hello, Betsy! Go fuck yourself!
(BETSY smiles, waves back.)
RUSS
So here’s what I’ll do for you, Karl: Make ya ten copies of this you can hand ’em out at Rotary. Or better yet. Put it in the newsletter. Rotary news: Kid comes back from Korea, goes upstairs and wraps an extension cord around his neck. Talk that over at the lunch buffet next week.
BETSY
(barely audible)
Kaahhh?
RUSS
And Francine walking in at nine in the morning to find him there. You be my guest, Karl. You go ahead and tell those people what kind of house they’re moving into and see if that stops ‘em, because I’ll tell you what, I don’t care if a hundred Ubangi tribesman with a bone through the nose overrun this goddamn place, ’cause I’m through with all of you, ya motherfucking sons of bitches. Every one of you.
(All stand in silence. We can hear BEV crying from behind the bathroom door. RUSS slowly folds the letter. Finally:)
JIM
Maybe we should bow our heads for a second.
RUSS
(advancing on him)
Well, maybe I should punch you in the face.
(RUSS moves toward JIM, who, in backing away, inadvertently tumbles backwards over a box, toppling a floor lamp as he goes.)
ALBERT
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!!
KARL
Easy now. Easy does it … careful – Betsy, go! Betsy?
BETSY
Kaahh!! Waaahhhh happneee!?
FRANCINE
What in god’s name is wrong with alla you people?
(to ALBERT)
Stay out of out of it. Don’t.
Just stay out –
(BETSY runs out the front door. ALBERT puts his hand on RUSS’s shoulder.)
ALBERT
Hang on. Let’s be civilized, now.
RUSS
(whirling on ALBERT)
Ohoho, don’t you touch me.
ALBERT
Whoa whoa whoa.
RUSS
Putting your hands on me? No sir. Not in my house you don’t.
JIM
(gritting his teeth as he copes with his hernia)
I’m all right.
FRANCINE
(to ALBERT)
What the hell d’you think you’re doing?
ALBERT
Who’re you talking to?
FRANCINE
Who do you think?
KARL
(to RUSS, as he helps JIM to his feet.)
Very manly, Russ Threatening a minister.
ALBERT
(to FRANCINE)
Why’re you talking to me like th- ?
KARL
(to RUSS)
Very masculine.
(KARL and JIM exit out the front door.)
FRANCINE
(to ALBERT)
I think they’re all a buncha idiots. And who’s the biggest idiot of all to let yourself get dragged into the middle of it? Whatcha gonna be now, the big peacemaker come to save the day?
(KARL sticks his head back in.)
KARL
(through the open door)
You’re mentally unstable, Russ!
FRANCINE
(to ALBERT)
Let ‘em knock each other’s brains out, for all I care. I’m done working for these people two days from now, and you never worked for ’em at all, so what the hell do you care what they do? And now I am going to the goddamn car.
(FRANCINE exits. During the marital squabble, RUSS has returned the letter to the footlocker and dragged it out through the kitchen. ALBERT is now left alone in the middle of the room. He stands idly for a moment, then moves to right the overturned floor lamp. As he does, BEV enters from the bathroom, blowing her nose.)
ALBERT
(seeing BEV)
It’s all right. Nothing broken.
BEV
(as composed as possible)
Oh oh oh don’t mind that. But thank you so much.
ALBERT
No trouble.
BEV
And do let me offer you some money for your help.
ALBERT
Oh no ma’am, that’s all right.
BEV
Ohhh, are you sure?
ALBERT
Yes, ma’am..
BEV
(finding her purse)
Well, here, then. Let me at least give you fifty cents.
ALBERT
No, now you keep your money.
BEV
Or, how about dollar? Take a dollar. I don’t care.
ALBERT
Ma’am?
BEV
Or take two. It’s just money.
ALBERT
Happy to help.
BEV
Or take something. You have to take something.
ALBERT
No ma’am. But -
BEV
What about this chafing dish? Did you see this dish?
ALBERT
Well, we got plenty of dish-
BEV
Not one of these. Francine told me.
ALBERT
Well, that’s very kind of you, but –
BEV
She said you didn’t have one and somebody should take it and -
ALBERT
(overlapping)
But we don’t need it, ma’am.
BEV
(continuous)
– make use of it, so if you let me just wrap it for you.
ALBERT
(finally raising his voice)
Ma’am, we don’t want your things. Please. We got our own things.
(Pause. BEV is shocked.)
Well.
ALBERT
(gently)
Trying to explain to you.
BEV
Well, if that’s the attitude, then I just don’t know what to say anymore. I real
ly don’t. If that’s what we’re coming to.
ALBERT
Ma’am, everybody’s sorry for your loss.
BEV
(holding back tears, nobly righteous)
You know, I would be … So proud. So honored to have you and Francine as our neighbors. And the two children.
ALBERT
Three children.
BEV
Three chil— We would … Maybe we should learn what the other person eats. Maybe that would be the solution to some of the – If someday we could all sit down together, at one big table and, and, and, and … (trails into a whisper, shakes her head)
ALBERT
Evening, ma’am.
(ALBERT goes. BEV is left alone. After a moment, RUSS enters to fetch the shovel. He carries a pair of work gloves. Seeing BEV, he stops, unsure of what to say.)
BEV
Where’d you find the gloves?
RUSS
Under the sink.
BEV
And where are you going to dig the hole?
RUSS
Under the, uh … What’s that big tree called?
BEV
The crepe myrtle.
RUSS
Under that.
BEV
Kind of late now, isn’t it?
RUSS
(shrugs)
Do it tomorrow.
(He leans the shovel against the wall. Pause. He stands idly, apologetically.)
RUSS
Kinda lost my temper.
BEV
(nods, then)
Well, that’s what happens. As we know.
(He slowly moves to sit in the chair he sat in at the start of the act, then looks back at BEV.)
RUSS
Know what I did the other day? Up there at the house?
BEV
What?
RUSS
Driveway to the office. Timed it. Know how long that’s gonna take me now?
BEV
Five minutes?
RUSS
Six and a half.
BEV
Well, you’ll have a leisurely breakfast.
RUSS
Read the paper. Cup of coffee and bang.
BEV
Hmm.
RUSS
Five-oh-seven, right back at your doorstep.
BEV
And what’ll I do in between?
(RUSS is caught off-guard.)
RUSS
I, I, uhhh … Well, gee, I guess, whatever you … Any number of …
BEV
Things.
RUSS
Projects.
BEV
Projects.
RUSS
To keep ya occupied.
BEV
I suppose you’re right.
(He turns on the radio. Music. He looks back at BEV, who stares into space.)
RUSS
(feebly, with a little sweep of the arm)
Ulan Bator!
(BEV smiles vaguely. The lights slowly fade. End of Act I.)
Act II
(September 2009. Three o’clock, Saturday afternoon. There is an overall shabbiness to the place that was not the case fifty years earlier. The wooden staircase railing has been replaced with a cheaper metal one. The oak mantelpiece and most of the woodwork have been painted over several times, the fireplace opening is bricked in, linoleum covers large areas of the wooden floor and plaster has crumbled from the lath in places. The kitchen door is now missing, and we can see through to an exterior door. The front door stand propped open.)
(Lights rise to find six people facing each other in a rough circle. To one side, STEVE and LINDSEY with KATHY, and to the other KEVIN and LENA with TOM, all dressed in generic casual clothes for a weekend afternoon. It is warm, and some have iced drinks. LINDSEY is visibly pregnant. They sit upon improvised seating- crates, abandoned furniture, etc. STEVE, LINDSEY and KATHY study xeroxed documents while the others watch. Finally:)
TOM
Everybody good?
I’m good.
STEVE
Good by me.
KATHY
Go for it.
TOM
So, I guess we should start right at the top.
STEVE
Question?
TOM
And I know we all got questions.
STEVE
The terminology?
TOM
So let’s go one at a time: Steve.
STEVE
The term frontage?
TOM
Right.
STEVE
Frontage means?
LINDSEY
Where are we looking?
STEVE
First page.
TOM
Frontage means -
(deferring to KATHY)
Did you want to – ?
KATHY
(to STEVE)
Means the portion facing the street.
TOM
Thus, front.
STEVE
(to TOM)
Portion of the property?
KATHY
(to STEVE)
Of the structure.
STEVE
(to TOM)
Or portion of the structure?
TOM
The facade.
LINDSEY
I’m not seeing it.
KATHY
Second paragraph.
TOM
Bottom of the page.
STEVE
Where it says “minimum recess of frontage”?
TOM
Meaning, distance from.
KATHY
(to STEVE)
From the edge of the property.
TOM
Exactly.
STEVE
Is what?
TOM
Is the “recess”.
STEVE
Not the frontage.
TOM
The frontage is what you’re measuring to.
LINDSEY
Got it.
STEVE
I’m confused.
LINDSEY
And “edge of the property” means as measured from the curb?
KATHY
Correct.
TOM
Not from the sidewalk?
KATHY
From the curb.
TOM
Uhh - I’ll check, but I don’t think that’s right.
KATHY
Up to and including.