(Phone rings. FRANCINE enters.)
BEV
(continuous)
– Why not just sit in a chair all day and wait for the end of the world but I don’t intend to live the remainder of my life like that and I think you could take notice of the fact that talking that way frightens me.
FRANCINE
(answering phone)
Stoller residence?
RUSS
(quietly, to BEV)
Not trying to frighten you.
FRANCINE
Who may I say is calling, please?
RUSS
(to BEV, quietly)
Ulan Bator!
FRANCINE
Excuse me, Miz Stoller?
BEV
Who is it?
FRANCINE
Mister Lindner wanting to talk to you.
RUSS
(with a groan)
Ohh for the love of –
BEV
(to FRANCINE)
Tell him I’ll call him back.
RUSS
Not one thing it’s another.
FRANCINE
(phone)
Mister Linder, she wonders if she can call you back?
BEV
(overlapping FRANCINE, to RUSS)
I only mean that people are concerned about you – (cont’d.)
RUSS
(overlapping)
Well, what’s the nature of the concern?
BEV
(continuous)
– and I don’t see the point of spurning their good intentions.
RUSS
Gee whiz I’m just reading a magazine.
FRANCINE
(to BEV)
Says he’s calling from a pay phone.
RUSS
(to FRANCINE)
Just say we’re occupied.
BEV
No, I’ll take it, thank you Francine.
(to RUSS, as she crosses)
I’m just repeating what Barbara said.
(into phone)
Hello?
RUSS
(to himself)
Barely know the woman.
BEV
(phone)
No no no, it’s just, we’re in a state of disarray, Karl.
RUSS
Somehow I spurned her.
(As FRANCINE returns to the kitchen, the front door opens and JIM sticks his head in. He is a youthful minister – wears a clerical collar under his jacket.)
JIM
Ding-dong?
RUSS
(seeing JIM, not rising)
Oh. Uh, hey, Bev?
JIM
May one intrude, he politely asked?
RUSS
(to BEV)
Jim’s at the door.
BEV
(seeing JIM, she mouths silently to him)
Oh, oh, oh! Come in!! Come in!!
(into phone)
Karl, I can’t hear what you’re saying.
JIM
Russ, my friend, I am crossing the threshold!
RUSS
Hey Jim.
JIM
(looking around)
Holy Toledo Jiminy Christmas.
RUSS
Bev’s on the phone.
JIM
Hate to be the one to break it to ya, buddy, but somebody made off with yer stuff!
RUSS
Kinda discombobulated.
BEV
(phone)
Oh, Karl, I don’t think so, not today.
JIM
(to RUSS)
S’not the big day, is it?
RUSS
(to JIM)
No no. Monday.
BEV
(phone)
No, it’s just, Russ is a little under the weather.
Piece of advice. Watch out when you start lifting things. Learned that the hard way last month.
RUSS
(preoccupied with BEV)
Izzat right?
JIM
(to RUSS)
Ohhhh yeah. Judy says Jim, I gotta have me this spinet piano, a task which naturally falls to me – (cont’d.)
BEV
(phone, overlapping)
Well, if it’s absolutely necessary.
JIM
(continuous)
– and there I am with this thing halfway up the front steps and me underneath. And of course, it’s not the weight, you know. It’s the angle – (cont’d.)
BEV
All right, Karl.
(Hangs up.)
JIM
(continuous)
– which is why they tell ya to bend the knees.
BEV
(re: JIM)
Well, will you look what the cat dragged in?
RUSS
(to BEV, re: the phone call)
What was that about?
JIM
Bev, I am trying to bestow the pearls of my wisdom upon this man.
RUSS
(to JIM)
No no, I was listening.
BEV
Oh, isn’t it just a jumble in here, all of this?
JIM
S’what I was saying to Russ, said somebody cleaned ya out!
RUSS
Not coming here, is he?
BEV
Oh, I don’t know. You know Karl.
JIM
Karl Lindner?
RUSS
Bev?
JIM
Ohmigosh. Ya got a look at Betsy lately?
BEV
(eyes wide)
Oh, I know.
JIM
Give that girl a wide berth.
BEV
Jim, can I get you some iced tea?
RUSS
(to BEV)
Maybe call back and ask him to come later.
BEV
It was a pay phone.
(to JIM)
Oh oh oh oh oh! I know! Now wait. Now Jim: I am going to ask you a question:
JIM
Huh-oh!
BEV
(to RUSS).
And don’t help him.
(to JIM)
Now: I want you to tell Russ what you think the word Neapolitan means.
RUSS
(to JIM)
She thought -
BEV
Shhhhhhh!!! You’re not allowed to say.
JIM
Well, that’d be your basic vanilla, strawb–
BEV
No no. The derivation.
RUSS
I told her what I th–
BEV
(to RUSS)
Shhhhh!!!
JIM
Uh, think it’s Naples, isn’t it?
BEV
Ohhhhh phooey.
JIM
Or Napoli, as we like to say.
(FRANCINE enters.)
BEV
You two are cheating. And then – well, Russ’s in a funny mood … he keeps going (trying to do what RUSS did) Oo-lan Ba-tor!
JIM
Whatzat, capital of Nepal?
RUSS
Mongolia.
JIM
Mongolia. So then what’s the Nepalese – Do ya say Nepalese?
BEV
(chuckles, slaps RUSS’s arm)
I hope it’s not Ne-politan!
RUSS
Kathmandu.
JIM
Kathmandu!
BEV
Oh, well, I don’t even know why you two know these things.
Miz Stoller?
JIM
Knowledge is power, Bev.
BEV
Then I choose to remain powerless.
(to RUSS)
Do it again.
RUSS
Do what?
BEV
How you said it.
RUSS
No.
BEV
Do it, Russ.
RUSS
No.
BEV
Do it for Jim.
RUSS
Bev?
BEV
Why not?
RUSS
Sorry, Jim.
BEV
Why for me but not for him?
RUSS
Well, for one thing, ’cause it’s not funny.
FRANCINE
Excuse me, I’m fixing to go, so if you need something else?
BEV
Oh. Yes. One thing. Francine, you remember that big trunk that’s upstairs?
RUSS
No no no no. Bev?
BEV
She doesn’t mind.
RUSS
Just told you I’m doing it.
BEV
You said it’s a two person job, and here’s two of you right here.
RUSS
Well, what’s the emergency?
JIM
(to BEV)
I would offer my services – (cont’d.)
BEV
(overlapping)
Oh no no no no no.
JIM
(continuous)
– but I am under doctor’s orders, believe it or not.
FRANCINE
Well, I’m just needing to leave by three-thirty.
BEV
(resigned)
All right.
RUSS
Francine? I am going to move the gol-darned trunk.
FRANCINE
Yes, sir.
BEV
(to JIM, mock-private)
That’s what I get for trying.
(FRANCINE exits. Discomfort.)
JIM
(to RUSS)
Soooo –
BEV
Did you get any lunch, Jim? Do you want some – ?
JIM
No no no no no.
BEV
Since I guess we’re cleaning out the larder and Russ seems to be eating every last thing in the icebox, so you’ll have to fight him for the ice cream.
JIM
Not for me.
RUSS
Well, ya know. (shrugs) Can’t pack ice cream in a suitcase.
(BEV finds this hilarious.)
BEV
(beside herself)
In a suite–
(to JIM)
Did you hear what he just said?
JIM
(chuckling as well)
Man’s got a point!
BEV
(slaps RUSS’s shoulder)
How do you think of those things? Ice cream in a –
JIM
Not unless you’re moving to the North Pole!
(BEV laughs harder.)
BEV
Thank goodness we’re not moving South!
JIM
That’d be a mess. No question.
(BEV and JIM stop laughing, sigh. More discomfort, then:)
JIM
No question.
BEV
(jumping up)
Well, I’m going to see what we do have.
(BEV exits into the kitchen, leaving RUSS and JIM alone.)
JIM
Whaddya, coming down with something?
RUSS
Who?
JIM
Bev said “under the weather.”
RUSS
Me?
JIM
And here ya sit in your PJ’s –
RUSS
No no no no no. I’m – Took the day to – Truck coming, so –
JIM
I gotcha.
RUSS
Coupla days off.
JIM
Playing hooky.
RUSS
No no.
JIM
Bev’s your alibi.
RUSS
Just giving her a hand with stuff.
JIM
And you are hard at work, as I see.
RUSS
(smiles a little)
No. I just.
JIM
Kidding you.
RUSS
I know. I – I – Yup.
JIM
Woulda come to your aid there, only I’m dealing with a little, uh, issue.
RUSS
Oh yeah?
JIM
Piano I told ya about?
RUSS
Right?
JIM
Didja ever … (lowers voice) …ever need a truss? Have to wear one of those?
RUSS
Uhhhh … Don’t recall.
JIM
Oh, you’d recall it if you did.
RUSS
Guess not, then.
JIM
Then you are a fortunate man.
RUSS
I hear you.
JIM
Bend the knees or suffer the consequences.
RUSS
Yup.
(Brief pause.)
JIM
So, Monday, you said.
RUSS
Yup.
JIM
Off to the hinterlands.
RUSS
Monday it is.
BEV
(calling from off)
Jim, was that a yes or a no on the iced tea?
JIM
(calling back to her)
Uhhh, I would not say no to that.
BEV
(same)
Russ?
(RUSS shakes his head.)
JIM
(same)
I believe Russ is declining your gracious offer.
BEV
(same)
I thought as much.
(Pause.)
JIM
Monday.
RUSS
Indeed.
JIM
Head ’em up. Move ’em out.
RUSS
Yup.
JIM
And when ya start that Glen Meadows office?
RUSS
Monday after.
JIM
How about that.
RUSS
Yup.
JIM
And how’s that shaping up?