Watch Your Junk and Other Advice for Expectant Fathers, Page 3

  You’re not going to need two kinds of diapers even if you’ve got one of each gender; at the infant stage a diaper is a diaper. They aren’t specifically designed to catch boy or girl crap until they hit the toddler stage.

  Do you really think you’ll need two swings? Hell, yes. Do not skimp on the swings. We tried. We were foolish. Don’t be like us.

  You will need twice the bottles, but one bottle warmer will do.

  A few months after they’re born, you will need two high chairs but you should go with the ones that attach to normal people chairs. Two self-standing high chairs take up too much room. And you won’t have much, because you’ll have two swings and a pack’n play taking up the living room.

  Here’s what you’ll need two of:

  Crib and bedding (eventually)

  Crib mobiles (unless you don’t like one of the babies)

  Car seats

  One double stroller—Get the tandem kind or you’ll start to hate doors

  Umbrella strollers

  Twice the bottles

  High chairs (eventually)

  Twice the diapers and wipes

  Swings

  Twice the clothes

  Everything else you can get away with what you would get for a single child.

  Don’t get me wrong. It’s still a lot of crap to buy. But the good news is you can sell most of your furniture and any fun stuff you have because you won’t be sitting down to do anything again for three years or so.

  WHAT’S NOT ON THE LIST

  The list is full of crap you don’t really need. But, there are surprisingly a couple of things missing.

  A Small Phillips Head Screwdriver

  Apparently the greatest threat to an infant’s life outside of cats is that he or she will suddenly learn to crawl, open a battery cover and ingest the Energizers inside. A neat trick for a newborn really. Now, I've never seen or heard of it happening but it must have happened a ton in the 70s and 80s.

  It is because of this fear that some government agency decided that all things battery powered should be sealed shut with an impossibly small Phillip’s head screw.

  Children run on batteries. Big D cells. And C cells. Quick quiz, what else runs on C and D cell batteries, and you can’t say flashlight? That’s right. Nothing. The entire comically oversized battery division is kept afloat solely by baby crap.

  And they die quickly. You don’t know this yet but it is exponentially harder to find something when a baby is crying. Be prepared.

  And, that is why you need one, maybe more, of these screwdrivers handy. It could be the most important tool in your house. Keep it in what will soon be called your battery drawer. I give them out as gifts to new dads. They look at me funny but come to thank me later.

  A Knife

  You’re a father. You need a knife.

  Annoying tags. Threads on clothes. Those wires that hold toys into their packages. Fighting off bears. Turning water bottles into sippy cups. Making good on threats to pop that damn balloon. Cutting things. You’re going to need a knife.

  Nothing ridiculous. I’m not talking about strapping a machete to your leg and scaring the neighbors. Just a simple pocketknife will get you through the day and out of most scrapes. The Swiss Army Knife is the definitive pocketknife. Several tools. Compact size. You probably got one for graduation or something. They are everywhere and they suck. Try to pry with it and you end up with a bent knife. Try to fight a bear with it and you'll cut your own thumb off. And you’re not going to win a fight with a bear with just one thumb.

  Sure, there’re a lot of tools on it, but, face it, now that you’re a parent you're not going to need that corkscrew to open a bottle of wine as much as you’ll need a real blade to cut through the zip ties holding “the dolly that pees” in its Fort Knox packaging.

  So, let go of your Wenger and get a single-blade folder with locking liner.

  They’re not bulky, so they fit nicely in your pocket. (Note: don’t clip it to your belt. Don’t be that guy. We all laugh at you. Twice as hard if you’ve got your cell phone in a holster as well, cowboy.)

  It has an assisted opening so it opens quickly with one hand—good for bears that surprise you. And, trust me, if you’re ever in a bear fight, it’s a surprise. They are notoriously bad about calling ahead.

  I prefer a partially serrated edge. The fine edge will cut a page out of a book, but the serrations will saw through rope or balloon ribbon as if either was balloon ribbon.

  And, most importantly, it has a good, solid blade that has not bent on me yet.

  But, that’s me. There are many good tools out there. And, as long as you spend more than thirty bucks and it’s not a knife from the movie—any movie—you’ll be in good shape.

  I think that as a father it’s important to be prepared and a knife is the simplest, most versatile tool in the world. Its practical applications are endless. But, if you need one more, remember that no young boy looks cooler than the one whose dad pulled out the knife in front of his friends and saved the birthday party, fixed the toy or killed the bear.

  NAMING YOUR CHILD

  As you get closer to the birth of your child, the topic of a name will come up. Your kid is going to need a name because there is going to be a lot of paperwork before you leave the hospital and almost every form has a name blank on it. Hopefully, you will come to an agreement without a fight and you pick a name that suits the child.

  A lot of people are going to have opinions about the name. They’ll say you need to pick a traditional name. Or they’ll want you to pick a more contemporary name. Some people like naming living beings after cities. Others seem to put absolutely no thought into the naming process at all. Others will try to get you to name the kid after them. Many will remind you to make sure that whatever name you choose is free of offensive playground rhymes. This is good advice but you have to keep in mind that kids can rhyme almost any name except Orange. And if you name your kid Orange, it’s not really going to stop the teasing. Don’t forget to double-check the initials. Veronica Alice Grayson and Craig Oliver Knight are going to get just as much teasing as Bart Fart.

  When it comes right down to it, the only important thing is that you name the child what you want. And even that doesn’t really matter because regardless of what you name them, they won’t listen. Ever.

  Some people look upon the birth of twins as a gift to their insipid sense of cuteness. Just know this, if you make their names rhyme, so help me, I will find you and punch the stupid out of you. These are children, not a 1920’s Vaudeville act. They will grow into adults and be forced to tell people their names. And, it will inevitably come out that they have a twin with a rhyming name. People will laugh—if not to their faces then certainly behind their backs. And they will be right to. Why would you do that to your children? I thought you loved them.

  THE NURSERY

  You’ve no doubt heard of how your wife will go into a nesting phase where she will go crazy cleaning, organizing and preparing the house for the baby. Next to having a designated driver for nine months, nesting is the best perk of pregnancy that isn’t sensitive to the touch.

  That is unless she’s on bed rest. She’ll still want the place cleaned and organized, but will have a note from the doctor saying that you have to do it. The only thing you can do at this point is play dead. But, even that might not stop her from making you work.

  No matter who’s doing the heavy lifting, the focus of this effort will be the nursery. There is a great deal of comfort gained from having the baby’s room ready to go before the kid arrives, so it’s worth your effort.

  First you’ll have to choose a theme. I checked and apparently “bedroom” is not a theme. There seems to be only three options in the world of nursery decor: blue, pink and safari. Now, I’m never one to knock any idea where monkeys are involved, but I wasn’t ready to give in to what was available at the store. My thoughts are, if you’re going to paint anyway, might as well make it a rocket ship.

&
nbsp; I dreamt up the idea of turning our son’s room into the cabin of a retro style rocket ship and somehow sold it to my wife. I was picturing rivets and portholes. The diaper table would sit beneath a giant stencil denoting the area as the Pampering Or Odor Prevention (P.O.O.P.) Bay 1. The crib would no doubt be a Cryonic Rest and Incubation Bed and the diaper pail would be a Super Heated Incineration Treatment tube.

  Star fields and planets would surround him. My tiny space cadet would dream of adventures beyond the stars. Even in his infant years he would grow a powerful imagination that would serve him well as he grew.

  In the end the room was blue.

  Rivets aren’t easy to install in drywall and outer space has a butt-load of stars. Painting them would have taken forever.

  There’re a lot of things you have to do when you’re getting ready for a kid. So, unless you can outsource a muralist and set designer, I’d say go with the safari theme. At least there’ll be monkeys.

  Two boys? Easy. Two girls? Sweet. One of each? You poor bastard. Interior design shows and paint commercials have made it all too clear that you can design a single room for a boy and a girl. They’ll paint a perfect seam down the middle of the room where two entirely different colors meet. Fabrics and drapes differ but complement one another as the two halves of the room are united in one picturesque setting.

  The truth is you’ll barely be able to fit two cribs in the room. But these shows make it look easy. So guess what you’ll be doing. That’s right, it’s time to get out the straight edge.

  If you can gain anything from this makeover at all, I suggest you show up to work with blue and pink paint splattered on your skin. No one will say anything, but the message is clear—this poor guy deserves our pity.

  BRAXTON HICKS

  Braxton Hicks was a probably a bastard. I hate research so I haven’t really looked into it, but the contractions named after him are the false alarm of pregnancy. They send you into a panic and offer no reward for action. So, Braxton Hicks, while possessing a name better suited for a brake caliper, navy rail gun system or off-brand athletic wear, chose to attach his name to false labor. What a bastard.

  These contractions are nothing to worry about, but what do you know? You’ve never had a baby before. But, you have heard all these stories about contractions, so when your wife feels contractions, you would assume that she’s having a baby. Braxton Hicks make you worry because you don’t know any better. They play on your ignorance like a total bastard.

  Your wife will tell you that she’s having contractions, so you pile into the car with her and all of the luggage that goes with and leave tire marks in the street getting her to the hospital as fast as physics will allow because you don’t want her water to break in your car.

  You rush into the hospital, where absolutely no one is freaking out, and explain that your wife is having a baby. Then, no one freaks out and they tell you fill out some paperwork. You check her in and wait a bit. The contractions keep coming. You’re panicking less about her water breaking and more about why no one is panicking.

  They finally take her back into a room and check her out. Soon they calmly explain to you that you are an idiot and that these are Braxton Hicks contractions and are nothing to worry about; they’re perfectly normal and everybody knows that. They do not talk down to your wife.

  So now you feel like an idiot. You don’t like feeling that way so you decide to treat all future contractions as if they were Braxton Hicks. This is a solid plan.

  When your wife does go into labor, you’ll tell her that it’s probably Braxton Hicks and there’s no need to panic. But, now she knows the difference and you’re not only an idiot but you’re an insensitive idiot for not believing her and for questioning her contraction analytical skills. Soon you’re on your way to the hospital with a pissed off wife.

  So, I ask you, aside from the Boy Who Cried Wolf, who would want their name attached to the fire drill of childbirth? A mean old bastard, that’s who. Braxton Hicks was that bastard.

  Note: Though he is credited with discovering Braxton Hicks contractions, your wife will insist that women probably knew about them way before he did. Don’t argue. Let it go.

  YOU’RE CUT OFF

  Things are going to get good when your wife is expecting. Somewhere between the morning sickness and when the baby is using her bladder as a punching bag, there is a wonderful period of big boobs and just right hormones that will put her in a mood you haven’t seen since your honeymoon.

  The problem with this amazing time is that you quickly trick yourself into thinking it will last. It doesn’t.

  You knew this day was coming. Now instead of her headache barring you from happy time, it’s doctor’s orders. That’s right. You will reach a point in the pregnancy where medical science is actually cock-blocking you. Sorry, champ.

  The news is easier to take if your wife’s doctor is a dude. He wouldn’t lie to you about something like this. If your wife’s doctor is a lady, however, you will probably suffer a little distrust and wish that you had gone to every single appointment just in case there was a secret conversation between the two. “Just let me know when you want him to leave you alone and I’ll write you a note,” says the doctor. I can totally see them doing that.

  As your kid develops and your wife’s stomach grows, things are going to get sensitive and uncomfortable for her in general. You’re not going to make things any better by performing your sexy dance, using your sexy voice or sneaking up on her when she’s asleep. It’s over.

  All massages will be therapeutic and if she invites you into the shower it’s because she can’t reach something. Now is the time to focus on her without any ulterior motives.

  If it makes you feel any better, you will be earning “points” for all the unselfish attention she’s getting from you. Don’t rush to redeem these but know that they’re there.

  I have no doubt you’re a clever guy, but I must warn you that saying, “Your mouth’s not having a baby,” while true, is a bad, bad, bad idea. Bad idea.

  As you can imagine, since there are two babies, you’ll be not having twice as much sex. Twins are often automatically put into the high-risk pregnancy category and your wife may end up on bed rest before the normal cutoff date.

  You’re probably thinking that as long as she’s in bed … but, no, it doesn’t work that way. You still have to leave her alone for the sake of the kids.

  It’s just as well. You’ve got twins on the way. You should practice not having sex now so you can get use to it.

  PACKING FOR THE HOSPITAL

  What did our mothers tell us about going out in the cold? If you stay out in the cold, you’ll get sick. This is why I’m pretty sure that people who run hospitals never had mothers. The nightly room rate is what tells me they’ve never stayed at a hotel.

  Contrary to what our mothers told us, we grew up to learn that cold environments prevent the spread of germs by interrupting cellular mitosis. Now, I may be getting my high school biology mixed up with a scene in Jurassic Park, but the point is that the hospital is going to be freaking cold.

  There’s no thermostat in the room so the only thing you can do is pack a sweater or two. Yes, even in the summer. In Texas. And a blanket. It may seem like overkill, but there is good reason. You remember how you ceased to exist in the eyes of the doctor? Well, that all changes when you check into the hospital. They are very aware of your presence. And they’re trying to kill you.

  It won’t be obvious. No one is going try and smother you in your sleep, poison your food or drug you when you’re wandering the halls looking for a nurse to get your wife some ice chips. It’s much more insidious. It’s the bed.

  Bed is a loose definition. It could be a cot or a recliner that turns into a sleeping area. But regardless of what it looks like it should be added to the host of weapons in Clue. It will try to murder you slowly in your sleep.

  Having a child is not supposed to be a restful event. I understand that. You’re not s
upposed to sleep through the delivery but in between check-in and go time they tell you to get as much rest as you can. Listen closely when the nurse tells you this. If she’s new, you will probably hear her laugh a little or perhaps try to hide a smile because she knows that with the bed they provide you, rest would be a miracle.

  Maybe murder is harsh. There is a theory that the uncomfortable bed is to prepare you for never getting a restful night’s sleep again. Logically, however, it makes more sense that they are trying to ruin your back so you have to eventually return for back surgery. It’s an ingenious way to supply themselves a customer base.

  The extra blanket may not save your back, but if you lay it across the “mattress” it may prevent you from getting treated for puncture wounds caused by the springs.

  Of course pack a charger for your phone. Once you’re child is born, you’re going to be using it a lot and you’d be surprised how fast a three-day session of Angry Birds can drain a phone. Oh, and you’ll want to call people when the kid gets there.

  Pack a book so you can read ... okay, I can’t even type that without laughing. There’ll be no distractions for you. If you’re any kind of man, you will be at your wife’s beck and call for the next few days. Every time she sleeps, you should do the same.

  Pack your toiletries and a change of clothes for each day you’ll be at the hospital. You’re going to get stinky.

  HONEY, IT’S TIME

  Well then, get her to hospital, Andretti. Stay safe and try to keep the car on all four wheels. If you come across a bail of hay, dry creek bed or dropped loading ramp, do not try to jump it, the resulting awesomeness will not save you any time at all.