Junie B., First Grader, Page 2

  I did a yawn and waved.

  Mother ruffled my hair.

  “I know you're still sleepy, honey. But we need to go get your Halloween costume now,” she said. “Grandma's going to stay with Ollie while we're gone.”

  My tummy did a flip-flop at that news.

  I had to get out of this. I just had to.

  “Yeah, only I don't actually feel like getting my Halloween costume right now,” I said, real whiny. “And anyway, I don't even know what I want to be yet.”

  After that, I quick pulled my covers over my head.

  “I will think about this and get back to you tomorrow,” I said.

  Mother did a laugh.

  Then she pulled my covers off again.

  “Sorry, Junie B. But we can't wait until tomorrow,” she said. “Tomorrow is Halloween.”

  After that, she picked me up from my bed. And she stood me on the floor.

  “I'm sure that once we get to the store, you'll find lots of fun costumes to choose from,” she said. “Now please put on your shoes while I go get my coat.”

  After she left, I grabbed Philip Johnny Bob very panicked.

  “She's going to make me do it, Philip! Mother's going to make me go trick-or-treating tomorrow night! And that means I'm going to see real, actual monsters and witches! Plus I'll probably be coming home with a bat in my hair.”

  I ran around my room very upset.

  Philip watched me go.

  Why don't you just tell her, Junie B.? he asked. If you tell Mother the five scary secrets, then she won't make you go trick-or-treating, I bet.

  I shook my head.

  “But I can't, Philip,” I said. “I can't tell anyone the five secrets, or else my head will get turned into a wart. Remember that?”

  I made a sick face. “A wart would be a hard head to explain.”

  Philip thought some more.

  Okay, then make up a different reason why you can't go, he said. Tell Mother you're afraid of the dark.

  I rolled my eyes way up at the ceiling.

  “But I'm not afraid of the dark, Philip. I'm not afraid of anything, usually.”

  I paused for a second.

  “Except for roosters with pointy lips, of course,” I said. “But that is to be expected.”

  I tapped on my chin.

  “Also, I do not care for ponies who stomple you to death,” I said.

  And clowns, Philip said. You're also afraid of clowns.

  I looked at him kind of annoyed.

  “Yes, Phil. But everyone is afraid of clowns,” I said. “Even Grandma Miller is afraid of clowns.”

  I thought back.

  “Remember when all of us went to the circus together? And that scary, mean clown chased Grandma around the bleachers with his seltzer bottle?”

  Philip nodded. Yes. Squirty the Clown, he said. He made Grandma wear an unattractive balloon hat. Remember that?

  “Of course I remember,” I said. “I still have bad dreams about that clown. Even monsters and witches would run away from Squirty, I bet.”

  Sure they would, said Philip. Squirty would scare the pants off those guys.

  I did a sigh.

  “Lucky Squirty,” I said. “Squirty the Clown doesn't have to be afraid of anything, probably.”

  Just then, Mother's voice hollered down the hall.

  “JUNIE B., ARE YOU READY YET? YOU NEED TO GET A MOVE ON, HONEY. WE'VE GOT TO GO!”

  Me and Philip looked frantic at each other.

  Then, bingo!

  A miracle happened!

  And it's called, the answer to my problem popped right into my head!

  I springed up as fast as a spring.

  “Hey! Wait a second! I know the answer, Philip! I know what I can be for Halloween!”

  I danced around real joyful.

  “I can be Squirty!” I said. “I can be Squirty the Clown! Then I can squirt the monsters and witches with my seltzer bottle! And then they will run away!”

  I grabbed Philip Johnny Bob. And we twirled all around.

  “SQUIRTY! SQUIRTY! SQUIRTY!” we sang real happy.

  Mother heard us being noisy. And she hurried into my room.

  “Hey, hey, hey! What's going on in here?” she asked.

  I ran and hugged her legs.

  “I'm going to be Squirty! That's what's going on here!” I hollered.

  Mother stood there for a real long time.

  Then, all of a sudden, her face went funny.

  “Oh, dear … no. You don't mean Squirty the Clown … do you?” she asked.

  She closed her eyes.

  “Not that nasty little clown who chased your grandmother around the bleachers with a seltzer bottle?”

  I laughed and clapped and laughed and clapped.

  “Yes, Mother! Yes, yes, yes! That's 'zactly the Squirty I mean!”

  Mother shook her head.

  “But … but this makes no sense, Junie B. You were scared to pieces by Squirty. Why would you want to be such a terrible clown for Halloween?”

  “Because!” I said. “Because I'm not allowed to tell you, that's why! But I really, really want to be Squirty!”

  After that, I quick put on my shoes.

  And I grabbed my jacket.

  And I ran out to the car.

  I honked the horn for Mother.

  'Cause when you're a mean clown with a seltzer bottle, trick-or-treating doesn't worry you a bit!

  And so HA HA on monsters.

  And HA HA on witches and bats and cats!

  And HA HA on scary Halloween!

  4

  The Halloween Store

  The Halloween store was in the mall.

  I pulled Mother there in a jiffy.

  Only too bad for me.

  'Cause as soon as I saw the store, I screeched on my brakes speedy quick. On account of the stuff in the window gave me the creeps, I tell you!

  The window was filled with skeletons and devils. Plus there were scary, hairy monster heads all over the place!

  I closed my eyes real tight. And I did a hard swallow.

  'Cause scary, hairy monster heads can take the brave right out of you.

  I squeezed Mother's hand tighter.

  “Okay, here's a little change of plans,” I said. “I think I will go home now.”

  Then I tried to pull Mother back the other way. But she didn't budge.

  “I know those masks look scary,” she said. “But rubber masks can't hurt you, Junie B.”

  She smiled. “Those masks are made from the same kind of rubber that Ollie's rubber ducky is made from. And you're not afraid of Rubber Ducky, are you?”

  I rolled my eyes at that dumb question.

  “Rubber Ducky doesn't have a sword through his head,” I said.

  Mother didn't listen.

  She pulled me into the store. And we went to the aisle with the little girls' costumes.

  I looked up and down the shelves.

  They had every little costume in the book, I tell you!

  They had Little Red Riding Hood, and Little Bo-Peep, and Mary Had a Little Lamb, and Little Orphan Annie, and the Little Mermaid. Plus also, they had Little Miss Muppet Who Sat on Her Trumpet!

  Mother's face got gleamy and happy.

  “Oh, don't you just love these, Junie B.?” she asked. “Wouldn't you like to wear one of these darling costumes tomorrow?”

  I smiled very pleasant.

  “No thank you,” I said.

  Just then, a store lady walked by.

  I reached out and tapped on her.

  “Where's the Squirty suits?” I asked.

  The lady looked curious at me. Then she looked at Mother.

  “Did she say squirtelly suits?” she asked.

  Mother closed her eyes a second.

  “No. I'm afraid she said Squirty suits,” she told her. “Squirty the Clown. He sprays old women with seltzer.”

  The lady looked strange at us.

  Then she led me and Mother to the clown s
tuff. And she went the other way.

  I looked down the clown row real nervous.

  And oh no! Oh no!

  There were scary clown parts hanging everywhere, I tell you!

  I quick jumped behind Mother's skirt.

  Then very slow, I peeked out.

  There were round clown noses. And creepy clown hair. And big white clown gloves. And giant, baggy clown pants with s'penders on them.

  I did some deep breaths.

  Then finally, I came out from behind Mother. And I looked all the way down the aisle.

  “Yeah, only here's the problem. I don't actually see the Squirty suits,” I said.

  Mother patted me. “Yes, well, I didn't think we'd find a real Squirty costume,” she said. “But with all of these clown parts, you can be much cuter than Squirty, Junie B.”

  She took a wig off the shelf and plopped it on my head.

  “Here, how 'bout this funny, frizzy red hair?” she said.

  I quick took it off.

  “No, Mother. No!” I said. “I don't want to be frizzy! I want to be Squirty!”

  I stamped my foot.

  “Squirty! Squirty!” I said. “I have to be Squirty!”

  “Shh! Honestly, Junie B.! What has gotten into you?” she said very snappish.

  Just then, a boy walked by. And he saw me getting snapped at.

  I asked Mother to tone it down a notch.

  I will not be saying that comment again, probably.

  Her face turned steamy mad. And she talked through closed teeth.

  “That's enough out of you, young lady,” she said. “Not one more rude word! Do you understand me?”

  I rocked back and forth on my feet kind of nervous.

  Then I did a gulp.

  “Yeah, only that is really going to cut down on my end of the conversation,” I said kind of quiet.

  Mother looked at me a minute. Then she quick covered her mouth with her hand.

  She was doing a grin back there, I think.

  After that, her voice got nicer.

  “You've got to listen to me about this costume business, Junie B.,” she said. “There … are … no … Squirty … suits, okay? They don't even make Squirty suits. Squirty is not a famous clown.”

  I felt shocked at that information.

  “But… but how can he not be famous, Mother?” I said. “I know that clown like the front of my hand.”

  Mother nodded. “Yes, well, I'm afraid Squirty made a strong impression on all of us. And why you're determined to be such a terrible clown is a total puzzle to me,” she said. “But if you really, really want to be Squirty, the best we can do is to get you an outfit that is similar to his.”

  My shoulders slumped very much.

  'Cause similar does not mean exactly.

  Mother looked at her watch.

  “It's your choice, Junie B. We either buy you an outfit similar to Squirty's … or we buy you a Little Bo-Peep costume.”

  I did a sad sigh.

  Then I walked down the aisle very glum.

  And I looked for a similar seltzer bottle.

  5

  No Squirty

  I stopped writing and looked at my clock.

  It was already after dinner.

  Mother was in Ollie's room.

  She was dressing him in his Halloween costume.

  I crawled under my covers with Philip Johnny Bob. And I worried about my costume some more.

  “I still don't know why I can't squirt monsters with seltzer,” I said.

  Me either, Philip said. Squirting seltzer would scare their pants off.

  Just then, we heard a knock on my door.

  I did not say come in. But Mother came in anyway.

  That is a bad habit of hers.

  I peeked my eyes out of the covers.

  Mother was holding baby Ollie. He was wearing a cow suit. My grandma Miller made it for him for Halloween.

  Mother put Ollie on the floor.

  “Moo,” he said.

  I made the cuckoo sign at him.

  “Come on, Junie B. Let's go,” said Mother. “Without Daddy here to help, I'm running behind. We have to hurry and get you dressed. Grandma and Grampa Miller are coming over to take pictures.”

  After that, she got my bag of clown parts. And she spread them on the bed.

  There was a red clown nose. And curly clown hair. And big, fat clown pants with s'penders.

  Also, there was a giant bow tie like Squirty wore. And big white gloves. And a shirt with puffery buttons on the front.

  Mother fastened the buttons of my clown shirt. And she pulled the clown pants over my jeans.

  Then she put the s'penders over my shoulders. And she snapped the bow tie around my neck. And I put on my gloves.

  I looked at myself in the mirror.

  “But … but I don't look like Squirty,” I said real whiny. “I just look like plain old me … except with very stupid taste in clothes.”

  Mother smiled. “Well, of course you don't look like a clown yet, silly,” she said. “You can't look like a clown until you've got your makeup on.”

  After that, she turned me around to face her. And she told me to close my eyes. And she put clown makeup all over my face.

  When she got done, she plopped my clown hair on my head.

  And then, kerplunk!

  She stuck on my red nose. And she beamed real happy.

  “Ta-daa!” she said. “You're a clown!”

  My heart got poundy and thumpy at those words.

  I turned around to see in the mirror again.

  And wowie wow wow!

  My eyes popped right out of my head!

  'Cause I looked like Squirty, I tell you!

  I did a loud gasp at that sight.

  Then I bent over and tried to catch my breath.

  “Whew!” I said. “Whoa! Whew!”

  Mother laughed.

  “I'll take that as a compliment,” she said. “I have to admit, you look a lot more like Squirty than I thought you would.”

  I kept on breathing till I got my air back.

  Then, very slow, I raised my head. And I peeked at myself once more.

  Chill bumps came on my arms.

  I leaned closer and made a creepy clown grin.

  I did a shiver.

  “I am scaring myself silly,” I said.

  Just then, the doorbell rang.

  It was my grandma and grampa, I think!

  Mother picked up Ollie the Cow. And she hurried to let them in.

  I stayed behind to look at myself some more.

  I waved in the mirror with my big clown glove.

  Then I backed up a little bit. And I pretended to squirt myself with seltzer.

  “Squirt!” I said. “Squirt! Squirt! Squirt!”

  Very fast, I spun around. And I squirted my Raggedy Ann named Ruth. And my Raggedy Andy named Larry. And my teddy named Teddy.

  “Squirt! Squirt! Squirt!” I said again.

  Finally, I put down my pretend squirt bottle. And I sat on the edge of my bed.

  “Darn it,” I said. “I wish I had a real squirt bottle. 'Cause if monsters aren't afraid of my clown face, then how else will I scare them away?”

  I walked back and forth very pacing.

  Just then, I heard Grandma Miller's voice in the hall.

  She was giggling about Ollie in his cow suit. And so I couldn't wait for her to see me, too!

  All of a sudden, I got a funny idea in my head.

  I did a sneaky smile in my mirror.

  Then, very quiet, I tippytoed out of my room. And I creeped down the hall on softie clown feet.

  And then, HA!

  I springed out at Grandma with all my might!

  And I did my scariest scream!

  “AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA!” I screamed. “AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA!”

  Grandma jumped way high in the air!

  Mother jumped, too!

  I laughed and laughed at that funny sight.

  Then I ran
all around them. And I kept on screaming.

  “AAAAA! AAAAA! I'M A SCREAMY CLOWN! I'M A SCREAMY CLOWN!”

  Just then, Grampa Miller came through the front door.

  I ran at him very speedy. And I butted him in the stomach with my clown head.

  Then WHOA!

  Mother grabbed me by my clown pants.

  “For heaven's sake, Junie B.! Knock it off!” she yelled.

  I stopped screaming. And I tapped on her very polite.

  “Yeah, only I'm not actually Junie B.,” I explained. “I'm a screamy clown.”

  I stood there a second.

  Then my whole face lighted up!

  “Hey! Hold it! That's a good name for me, Mother!”

  I clapped real excited.

  “If I can't be Squirty, I can be Screamy!” I said. “I can be Screamy the Clown!”

  After that, I ran to get my Halloween bag. And I laughed some more.

  'Cause Screamy the Clown can scare the pants off people, I bet!

  Even without seltzer!

  6

  Trick-or-Fruit

  Mother put Ollie in his stroller. And she took us trick-or-treating.

  She tried to hold my hand. But I quick pulled it away.

  “Yeah, only I'm not even a scaredy-cat baby,” I said. “I am Screamy the Clown.”

  After that, I speeded up my feet. And I walked very fast in front of those two.

  Our first neighbor's house is where grouchy Mrs. Morty lives.

  Grouchy Mrs. Morty lives all by herself with grouchy Mr. Morty.

  Their yard has lots of lawn decorations in it. Only do not accidentally take a little elf from their garden. Or else grouchy Mrs. Morty will threaten to call the cops.

  I ran up their porch steps.

  There was a big trick-or-treat boy already there.

  He was ringing the doorbell.

  I looked at him very close.

  He was wearing fishing boots and a fishing pole.

  I waved at him with my clown gloves.

  “Hello. How are you today? I am Screamy the Clown,” I said. “And I can scare the pants off people.”

  The boy rolled his eyes at me. He didn't say any words.

  I pulled on his fishing pole very friendly.

  “So what are you dressed as?” I asked.