Poetry Collection One: Shadow Self Persona, Page 2

  But like I always say

  I've never asked for much

  Just anything nice, kind words, a smile

  any good things to come back my way

  would be great

  would be a surprise

  I've never known true kindness

  I live by karma, I believe in karma

  to give what I'd love to receive

  But out of my two lonely decades

  of living here on this hell planet

  if living is what it’s called

  I've received very little in return

  from this world, or it's people

  I give all I am until I turn blue

  just to be like God

  and I try to appreciate every given moment

  and every little thing

  I see and hear

  all the things around me

  and I give praise

  For being able to breathe

  But lately I haven't been able

  to breathe here

  instead feeling like I’m being drowned

  Attempt To Disappear

  February.16.2004

  a black painted lie

  smudged upon the wall

  the awkwardness of it all

  the truth

  fighting the game

  life wasn't the same

  all was just over

  from now on it's true

  the attempt was made

  final jump over that edge

  some blood was spilled

  some hidden

  threatening eyes kept staring

  there were no more words to speak

  it was out there for all to see

  everything was damaged

  it couldn't have hurt more

  more blood to be spilled

  there was no more pain to feel

  just numbness

  a third degree burn

  there were no more feelings left to hurt

  no one understood a thing

  until everything just disappeared

  Because Of Him, Who I Hate

  March.08.2004

  because of his selfish request of her

  which she did not deny

  grows inside of her now

  a life that will be denied

  what I quietly keep to myself

  are the gut wrenching painful tears

  a huge mistake, to me this is a very big deal

  she holds this life inside of her

  and she just wants it gone

  she tells me in confidence as she drinks and smokes

  I already knew just looking into her eyes

  I honestly don't know how she feels inside

  the strength and sensation of life

  but I think she needs to think it through

  instead of pretending it just doesn't exist

  I think she needs to just think about her

  instead of following some man’s rule

  Forever, Sweet Thing

  Feb.24.2004

  You can, bleed from me.

  Let it all drain.

  Take away, my life.

  Take my blood, from me.

  Kiss me.

  Whisper sweet things.

  Lie to me.

  If it will cause me, pain.

  Don't let, me sleep.

  Keep me awake,

  with you.

  Hold me,

  hold me in your arms.

  Don't drop me, please.

  When I am boring and limp.

  Don't just toss me, away.

  Like some other dead or dying thing.

  Press me to your own cold body.

  Hold me to your own dead heart.

  Keep whispering to me.

  Let your last words, to me be.

  "I'll love you forever, my sweet thing".

  So don't drop me.

  Don't forget me.

  Do not replace me.

  Only try.

  To bring me back.

  Lay me down.

  Sweet thing.

  Keep me warm.

  Kiss me.

  Live, some life without me.

  But don't replace me.

  Because you said, you loved me.

  Forever, I'll be.

  Your damned, sweet thing.

  Facing The Haunted

  January.04.2010

  my mind is literally black - darkness

  there are so many thoughts - no colour

  i sit and stare at the walls - lost

  what have i done - what have i become

  what am i doing - wrong

  why is there no sense - no happiness

  i am smart - beautiful - humorous

  all those great qualities i admire - i desire

  but i sit alone, sleep alone, live alone - haunted

  Dripping Tips

  September.30.2003

  the tips of my fingers

  are black from this sin

  they have started to drip

  deep red blood from within

  i've tried to forgive them

  but it's too hard to forget

  so i've started to wish things

  that i know have only let

  the darkness consume

  Can't

  February.19.2004

  can't think of anything

  can't defend myself

  to you

  can't keep trying, to pretend

  it's all okay

  when in reality, my reality

  can't keep acting, pretending

  when all i am

  just darkness

  emptiness

  loneliness

  they all look

  they stare

  they pretend, they pretend to listen, pretend to care

  but if i died

  sometimes

  i wish i died

  they would not care

  i know, i know

  i can see it

  in their eyes

  there is no emotion

  no connection

  i mean nothing

  they stare at me

  put me down with words

  they laugh at me

  because i am not them

  i am not perfect

  can't keep trying

  so hard trying

  making it all right

  making it all good

  living for everyone

  living for everyone else

  can't keep being

  something other than myself

  Don't Touch Me

  Sept.17.2011

  so cold is your touch

  so many words unspoken

  sitting at the surface

  in just one glance

  please don't touch me

  as your touch is like ice

  it burns on my skin

  leaving scars within

  your love is empty

  i can feel every lie you've told

  what leaves your lips

  scares me to the bone

  i once called you home

  now please leave this place

  looking at you makes my skin crawl

  please don't touch me as you leave

  Can Be Only Mine

  July.24.2011

  a distant cry

  only whispers i can hear

  my thoughts, my pains, my flaws

  can be only mine

  nothing to share, i'm too preoccupied to care

  can't get too close

  fighting, struggling

  uphill battles, that are plainly imaginary

  another language plagues me

  even i don't understand

  but maybe i was meant to be

  someone

  in a different time and place

  but who am i to question this

  to only try to keep on going, living

  struggling and hearing my voices

  Box

  January.12.2002

&
nbsp; Inside a box.

  Trapped inside.

  No way out.

  Nowhere to hide.

  It's hard to breathe.

  Nowhere to move.

  Can't say a word.

  Such a cruel world.

  Useless feelings.

  Stupid broken body.

  Trapped inside.

  With no way out.

  My eyes cry tears.

  My mouth screams fears.

  Hearing nothing.

  Useless emotions.

  Stupid people.

  Cruel world.

  Nowhere to hide.

  Trapped inside.

  Inside this tiny box.

  Horrid Occurrence

  December.21.2010

  You can't even look me straight in the eyes.

  You've said such horrible things about me behind my back.

  I was wondering, what happened to this love you had for me.

  You used me, spit me out, then blamed me for everything that went wrong.

  You make my stomach hurt thinking of you, I want nothing to do with you.

  If this is love, if this is friendship, then I want to forever be alone.

  I'm glad to not be walking on broken glass any longer, worrying I'll do something wrong.

  I no longer have to shield who I am, just to be with you, that is not really love.

  You can't even look me straight in the eyes.

  Somehow your reaction points out the truth, that it was not one person who broke this.

  Can't Quiet The Chaos

  May.07.2004

  quietly sitting, in the corner of the room,

  dressed in black, dressed to be unseen.

  quietly motionless, reading, thinking,

  the words are so loud, in my head.

  there is a lot of man kind chaos all around,

  all surrounding, so many human voices,

  so much screaming pain, so much going on.

  i cannot quiet the chaos, there is too much noise in my head.

  the words in so many languages buzz around me,

  i can feel them stick to my skin, i feel trapped and cannot escape.

  so much noise, so many words, i cannot quiet the chaos.

  Broken And Numb

  July.18.2011

  numb, to the touch

  i keep trying

  to push my skin to experience

  any sensation

  sensual, pleasure

  but i truly feel numb

  emotionally, physically

  so much more than can be explained

  in a conversation to a friend

  i know there would be no understanding

  something is broken inside of me

  How Can Two Ever Be One

  May 01.2012

  I sit in silence, slightly shaking from the intensity,

  I'm in awe of the show unfolding before my hands.

  I blame everything on him, just like I always have before,

  it is him who will not accept me, or love me no matter the disagreement.

  But how can I not think this is yet again all my fault,

  my choices, my views, my actions, my pain, my jealousy, my silences…

  Holding things against him, against men in general.

  But in this reality, what really is there to expect,

  my too high a expectations only shatters things before they begin,

  but not before I fooled myself into falling in love and seeing my dreams come true.

  Two different worlds, for real not just figuratively.

  I have no idea how two souls are ever supposed to coincide.

  Nothing To Stop

  February.14.2004

  There is not enough time

  On any clock

  To just suddenly stop

  Me from being with you

  There is not enough space

  On this wide earth

  To bring us to a stop

  Just because of someone else

  There is not enough air to breathe

  Or tears of mine to be shed alone

  Whenever I think back on

  You saying you choose him over me

  There is not enough time

  On any clock

  To stop me from running

  To stop me from talking

  To stop me from being with you

  I've Lost Time

  May.27.2012

  it is deafening

  the noise, the silence

  this place in my head

  i sit... sitting... waiting...

  watching the hands on the clock

  i look away, then back

  i've lost time, i've lost more of me

  there is so much going on

  all around me, people talking

  against so much chaos inside me

  i sit... sitting... watching... waiting... thinking

  there has to be more than this

  this tormenting confusion

  it is deafening in my head

  i waited for so long to be here

  why are the little things bothering me so much

  why am i losing myself in this time

  My Open

  November.05.2002

  My star that holds the sky up

  The moon that cries at night

  I can hold myself all alone

  But that won’t get me a new life

  A shining light inside of me

  Brightens up all of my words

  People sometimes hear me speak

  But I always just end up hiding

  I see things outside of me

  And what other people don't

  I am different and cleaner

  Most people just don't care

  My light that shines upon the earth

  To be seen by anyone who seeks me

  Is sometimes blocked out by the darkness

  That keeps fighting the light inside of me

  My star that holds the sky up

  The moon that cries at night

  I can hold myself all alone

  But that won’t get me a new life

  Masochist

  January.17.2011

  My definition of a masochist...

  My mind wandered, aimlessly, through thoughts in my head, of nothing really in particular.

  As if I was sitting on the bus on my journey to work day in and day out, mindlessly numb.

  Instead I had a tattoo needle shredding the tender skin on the inside of my left arm.

  Carving, igniting life into my body where there was only numbness to the touch, now marked by ink.

  From the outside in, I feel like it was trying to change me, to become part of me.

  Digging into my skin, cutting, sharp dragging motions, I felt pressure course through my extremities.

  I wasn't nervous any more like I was earlier, I was content with the happenings.

  I wasn't scared, but my palms were sweating and I wanted to whimper.

  I could feel this man’s cool breath on my warm skin, I could feel his deep concentration.

  I tried to focus on something, anything, but was failing, as streams of pleasure washed over me.

  Because of my no reply to his question of surprise why I was showing no signs of pain.

  I just quietly smiled to myself, thinking, if you only knew.

  If Ever I Found Out

  August.17.2004

  If I ever find out,

  who had torn me apart

  I'd let them all know,

  and I'd turn the sun blue

  With all the pain inside,

  I'd finally let it all out

  I'd let the world know,

  who tore me apart

  There will be noises,

  and I will be very loud

  I'll scream my lungs out,

  to fight to the top of the world

  No more secrets,

  no more secrets to hide

  Into Those Eyes Is The Beginning
/>
  August.17.2010

  looking into your eyes

  face open, searching for grace

  innocence

  starting from scratch

  all over again

  i'm so frustrated, i'm so damaged

  i don't think i can do this

  is it okay, to speak again

  with so many prying eyes

  they don't care, they only wish to control me

  subdue me, take me and break me

  create me into a monster

  i'm so close to cracking

  but i hold onto what it was like

  looking into your eyes

  i just want to start all over

  make this all work out

  but in this world so separated

  big dreams are just fantasies

  all i need is you, all i want is you

  help me become me, and I'll make my way

  back to you

  back to looking into your eyes

  Is Now

  May.21.2002

  tomorrow is now

  as the clocks tick away

  the darkness is coming

  and i am blank as to what to say

  tomorrow is now

  surprising as hell

  the truth is gone away

  and there is nothing to tell

  tomorrow is now

  and yesterday is gone

  what have you learned

  and what have you gained

  tomorrow is now

  who do you love

  who would you die for

  and who is your forever

  tomorrow is now

  who can you really trust

  are your friends worth your time

  is your time spent well worth

  tomorrow is now

  have you really lived

  did you remember to breathe

  and did you mean it when you said "i love you"

  tomorrow is now

  what have you learned in this life

  have you helped anyone out

  or have you written down your heart