The Unwilling Professor

  Produced by Dianna Adair, Greg Weeks and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net

  This etext was produced from Dynamic Science Fiction January 1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.

  The "Professor" had braved great perils to reach Earth, and believed heknew what he was up against. But he hadn't counted on the menace ofFatty Schultz and Irv Lece.

  THE UNWILLING PROFESSOR

  by Arthur Porges

  (_illustrated by Milton Luros_)

  On that fateful afternoon Fatty Schultz and Irv Lece had cut their lastclasses, and were taking a gloomy walk together, scrambling through thescrubby brush well behind the athletic field.

  There were good reasons for their unhappiness. Fatty was failing inCalculus II with a velocity that varied directly as the square of thenumber of lectures attended. Irv's math instructor had informed _him_,with a kind of loathing respect, that his only salvation lay inrecommencing the study of arithmetic--taking five or ten years in theprocess--and then retiring to a cave for perhaps another fifteen in thevain hope of digesting, through meditation and prayer, themultiplication table. After that, Irv might be ready for elementaryalgebra, but not, the professor hoped to a merciful God, in thisunfortunate institution of higher learning.

  As a matter of fact, the whole of their fraternity, Omega Pi Upsilon(usually referred to on campus as "Oh, P-Yu") was in the same boatregarding almost every subject offered at Bateman College. Bateman hadcourses that ranged from Aardvark Breeding to Zythum Brewing, but nofield of knowledge troubled them more than mathematics.

  Hence the long face on Irv Lece. Fatty's visage also strove to elongate,but simply wasn't built for such an accomplishment. Instead, his piggylittle eyes, ordinarily glowing with a kind of coarse good-humor, werenow smouldering with resentment.

  They had just seated themselves in a small clearing, where Fatty, aftersetting his calculus text on a grassy mound, began to heave rocks at it,when there was a whistling scream, a jarring _whump_, and before theirbulging eyes a small disc lay crumpled, barely ten yards away.

  A shrill creaking came from this odd craft, which looked like amanhole-cover some eight feet in diameter and twenty inches thick. Then,as they stared in wonder, a badly-sprung port opened crazily, and asmall rabbit flopped out. It may be stated here that the creature wasnot actually a rabbit, but that any difference between the disc's pilotand an ordinary cottontail was imperceptible to the naked eye.

  For a moment the rabbit swayed drunkenly, its big eyes cloudy, then ithopped towards Fatty, preferring, perhaps, his larger gravitationalfield over Irv's. Extending one snowy paw, it squeaked: "Good afternoon,gentlemen. Permit me to introduce myself. I am a good-will ambassadorfrom Venus, and by your conventions should be addressed as 'Professor.'My name," he added a trifle pompously, "is Iglowt P. Slakmak, and I holddegrees comparable to your PhD, LLD, and M. D." All this in a veryBritish accent.

  Fatty gave a hoarse croak; Irv's knees knocked together.

  "Come," the rabbit chirped, "chin up, fellows! There's nothing to beafraid of. I speak English because we've been monitoring your radiobroadcasts for years. Television is a bit trickier, but we've seen afew. And by listening to educational programs, I've learned a great dealabout terrestrial culture, which I notice is based upon cigarettes, usedcars--but never mind that, now. I must get to Washington and presentmyself. A rival of mine is about to contact Mars for the first time, andI hope to send in my report on Earth first." He peered at themanxiously. "You do understand me, chaps, don't you? I learned the bestEnglish from B. B. C., you know."

  * * * * *

  Seeing that the two boys were still dumb, the rabbit, with a mightyeffort, picked up the three-pound calculus text, which was bound in arevolting green. As he did so, a paper fluttered out, and the professordeftly scooped it up. He studied Fatty's messy scrawlings for a moment,then said warmly: "Ah, I observe that you chaps are beginning the studyof elementary mathematics." He shook a paw waggishly. "The limits arewrong on this integration: they should go from pi-over-two topi-over-three first, instead of to zero. There's a discontinuity atpi-over-three, and your result, that the center of gravity of thissix-inch cube is nine feet to the right, looks somewhat implausible."

  At this, Fatty finally found his voice. "A discontinuity?" he gulped."Whassat?"

  "Aw, you know," Irv rebuked him. "Old Cusp's been gassing about 'em fordays, now."

  "Has he? Well, what is it, if you're so smart?"

  "I don't remember," Irv said brazenly, "but at least I heard the namebefore."

  "At pi-over-three," the rabbit broke in with authority, "the denominatorof the integrand vanishes. To put it loosely, the function becomesinfinite."

  Fatty looked at Irv; Irv gaped at Fatty. The piggy eyes lit up. "Arabbit that knows math!" Fatty breathed.

  "Knows it! He wrote the damn book--a real brain!" Irv exulted.

  Once again their eyes met meaningly. "You always said," Irv remarked inan abstracted manner, "that you could lick the guy who invented calc."

  "I sure can," Fatty asserted, "but--" He paused; then with a speedsurprising in one of his bulk, his thick hands shot out, and ProfessorSlakmak, the eminent Venusian savant, found himself dangling by the earsfrom stubby, freckled fingers. He kicked with a vigor shockinglyundignified.

  "Let me down!" he squeaked furiously. "This is outrageous. A friendlyambassador's person is sacred among all civilized peoples; your nationalPresident shall hear of this insult!"

  Fatty looked at him, showing uneven teeth in a loose grin. "Bugs Bunny,"he gloated, "you are now the official mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!"

  "I second the motion," Irv said, shuffling in excitement.

  "We'd better hide his ship, though," Fatty cried, full of ingeniousintelligence now that nobody was grading him for it.

  "It's too big, ain't it?" Irv replied doubtfully. "Simmer down you!" heordered the writhing professor. "We don't wanna choke you, but--" Thecaptive subsided, contenting himself with little quivers of indignation.

  "It's awful light," Fatty muttered, shoving the damaged saucer with onesize eleven shoe. "We'll move it over here, pile a lot of brush on top,and--"

  "--Start a fire!" Irv interrupted joyously.

  The professor gave a piercing squeal of protest.

  "No, stupid," Fatty told him, winking. "If the prof here helps us outthis semester, we'll give him back his old disc, right?"

  "Right," Irv agreed, crossing two fingers.

  In fifteen minutes, even with Fatty working one-handed, the shipvanished under a pile of stiff brush. "That's that," Irv said, taking adeep breath. "Now--"

  "We can't take him like this," Fatty remarked, swinging the professor byhis ears and giving him a shake by way of emphasis.

  "Why not? We just been rabbit-hunting, that's all."

  "Too risky. Even if the professor keeps quiet, some joker from anotherfrat might get nosy."

  "He'll be quiet," Irv said grimly. "I know how to hit a rabbit on theneck with the edge of my hand--" Here the professor began to kickfrantically, and Fatty snatched his hind legs, holding him rigid fromears to toes.

  "There's an old cardboard box back there," Fatty said. "That'll do thetrick."

  A few seconds later the sullen captive was stuffed unceremoniously intoa damp, mouldy container, and the two students returned to the campus,their hearts free from mathematical worries.

  "The frat will owe us plenty for this," Fatty said darkly. "We've neverhad anybody to coach us in math."

  "They'll be licking our boots," Irv agreed. "But they always have, thepoor dopes!"

  * * * *
*

  That night the professor, poorly refreshed by some wilted carrot topsand water, found himself in a circle of eager Omega Pi Upsilon's,delivering a detailed lecture--mostly problem-solving--on Section 45 ofBroota's "Introduction to the Elementary Rudiments of the Differentialand Integral Calculus."

  He was a good teacher, and when either his enthusiasm or expository artfaltered, Fatty revived it quickly with a sharp pinch or stinging slap.So, although the average I. Q. of the fraternity was seventy-six, acertain amount of mathematics get through; and it