Prologue to an Analogue

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  Transcriber's Note:

  This etext was produced from Analog Science Fact & Fiction June 1961. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.

  PROLOGUE TO AN ANALOGUE

  By LEIGH RICHMOND

  _Finnagle's Law shows that many times we don't get the effect we planned on. But ... there's an inverse to that famous law, too...._

  Illustrated by Schoenherr

  * * * * *

  The IWC program was a newscast by Bill Howard, and the news wasparticularly vicious that night.

  Bill, his big homely face leaning across a desk toward the viewer,talked in horrified tones of the "pest-sub" that had reputedly gotstuck in the Suez and spread epidemic across Cairo.

  It was easy to assume, Bill told his audience, that the nations mostinterested in creating a crisis in the world right now had put the subthere to make an excuse to accuse us of the terror. It was undoubtedlyreally there, and was undoubtedly really of American make, and theepidemic was undoubtedly very real indeed, he said. The United Nationsinvestigating team, due to go into the Canal Zone the next day andmake their report to the world, would find that the epidemic wascaused by laboratory-developed bacteria, carried in by anAmerican-made sub. It would be at least as bad, if not worse, thanreported.

  The question before the world, Bill said, was not whetherbacteriological warfare had started, but who had started it--and thefact that the sub carried United States markings and was of UnitedStates make did not at all answer the question.

  Bacteriological warfare had broken out and where it would strike nextwas anybody's guess.

  "But let there be no mistake," Bill said. "This is war."

  It was on that note that the station break came, and the thirteenwitches, trademark of the International Witch Corporation, came on.

  Harvey Randolph, manufacturer of the Witch line of products, leanedtoward the screen intently. He had just transferred his account toBurton, Dester, Duston & Oswald, and they had dreamed up a new-typecommercial for the products.

  The thirteen witches were long-legged, slender dancing gals, in tallblack witch caps and long black capes, crimson-lined, and very littleelse. Each had long hair that swirled as she danced.

  Randolph chewed his lip, watching them thoughtfully.

  They came on with what was almost a valkyrie cry--"Witches of theworld, unite--to make it clean, clean, clean, Witch clean--NOW!"

  "Hm-m-m," thought Randolph. The cry struck rather sourly at the endof that "this is war" sentence from the newscast, he thought, but thenthat dramatic newscast-ending was rather unusual.

  The witches were singing a jingling chorus as they danced. "No task istoo big, no task is too small," they sang. "Which Witch do you need?You should have them all--"

  Each witch, of course, displayed her particular product from the Witchline--detergent, soap, shampoo, cleanser, cleaning fluid....

  "Witch soap or detergent....

  "Witch cleanser upsurgent....

  "Which Witch do you need? You should have them all...."

  This was fairly average as commercials go, thought Randolph. The bigBDD&O radical innovation would be next.

  It was. On the screen behind the witches appeared a map of the SuezCanal, and then a papier-mache model of the nose of a sub, and adockside shanty, a gray pall hanging over them.

  As the witches turned and began dancing towards it, the deep voice ofthe announcer spoke over the muted jingle. "Witches of the world,unite! If Nasser had enough Witches, he could solve the crisis whichhas us all in stitches...."

  And the witches, in a united dance-step, approached the sub and shantysinging "Make it clean, clean, clean, Witch clean, NOW!" Each sprayedit with a Witch product, and as they sprayed the pall lifted, the suband shanty showed shining bright, new-painted.

  "Clean, clean, clean," chanted the chorus; "Witch, Witch, Witch,clean, clean, clean. Defy dirt, defy disease."

  "Keep Witch clean!"

  * * * * *

  Well, thought Randolph. And then again, Well.

  He wasn't quite sure, he told himself. The commercial came darn nearbeing in poor taste, what with the crisis so near, and yet ... itwasn't something to make you forget the product. By Geoffery, no!You'd think of Witch products quite a bit, after watching that one.

  He reminded himself to check the viewer reaction that would beavailable fairly early next day, as he switched off the TV.

  * * * * *

  It was almost noon next day before Randolph reminded himself of thecall he'd planned to make to BDD&O. He got Oswald on the wire almostimmediately.

  "Randolph, here," he said. "I called you about that new commercial. Itseems a little drastic. Are you planning to use it again tonight?"

  "Use it? We're taking full credit, in a witchery sort of way!" Oswaldlaughed. "Never saw anything like your luck, Randolph. I've got theentire staff tied up doing the follow-up for tonight. You needn'tworry about libel, either. We've got the whole legal staff turned out,going over every detail."

  "It seemed pretty near the line to me," said Randolph, chewing hislip. He found himself a little puzzled over Oswald's tone, but not toomuch so. Any public relations man was overenthusiastic by nature, inRandolph's estimation. Maybe it took that to make a good p.r. man."People might resent our making hay out of sickness, even if you arepreaching that cleanliness will prevent it."

  "Sickness, you might have a point. I admit I'd argue it, but youmight. But wellness, now, it's different. I do know that if the UnitedNations team reports there's no epidemic, and that the pest-sub is oneof the cleanest, healthiest-crewed submarines in the business, it'ssafe for us to assume it's so, and to imply that Witch Products areused to keep it clean."

  "Mr. Oswald," Randolph's voice took on a note of imperious prissiness."Would you mind explaining just exactly what you are talking about?"

  "Haven't you heard the news? There's no bacteriological war! I admitthat puts Bill Howard way out on a limb, but there are a lot of veryfine people with him. There's no epidemic in Cairo. There's not even abad cold that the United Nations team could find. And they give thatso-called pest-sub the most complete bill of health in the business.

  "Now, the deal we plan for tonight...."

  * * * * *

  At the same moment, a number of very important people were closetedwith the President. Their reactions to the United Nations report werequite otherwise than those Oswald was experiencing.

  "It's the exact timing, and the detail of execution that scares me,Mr. President," the Undersecretary of State was saying. The Secretaryhimself was coming in by jet, and would join them immediately onarrival.

  "It implies a technology that we can't touch even in our wildestdreams. I've talked to the CIA chief himself, and the reports from ouroperatives are beyond question. The epidemic was not only real, it waswidespread. The pest-sub was as real as this chair I'm sitting on, andits crew near death to the man, and no question about it.

  "If they can fight a bacterial war and produce an overnight cure atthe same time ... we're at their mercy. There is no bomb everdeveloped--or that can be developed--to touch the power of whatthey've just demonstrated."

  The President ran his fingers through his hair. His face looked moredrawn than any man had yet seen it. Yet he smiled.

  "We're not suing for peace terms yet," he said, and turned to thenation's foremost biologist, sit
ting quiet in a nearby chair.

  "What's your reaction?" he asked.

  "We've always known," the answer came despondently, "thatbacteriological warfare is far deadlier than any bomb--if there wereany protection from its effects for the victor. We had a strain ofbacteria once, for which we had an immunization course, and wedeveloped it far enough along the line to realize that, even thoughyou immunized every man, woman and child in this country in advanceof releasing it in another part of the world, mutant strains wouldeventually wipe out this nation as well as those we fought."

  "How about mutant strains of the Suez bacteria?" the President asked,then answered himself. "No, they've produced an antidote. An antidote,if our reports are correct, that works overnight." He shook