“Youdidn'tthinkyoucouldgetridofme thateasily,didyou?”he purred,makingeveryhaironmybodystandup.Partofmewantedto clingtohimviolently;therestwantedtorunlikehell.Hiscommentwas fartoolacedwithdoublemeaningformyliking.
Whenhepulledawayslowly,Inervouslywaitedtoseethe expressiononhisface.Iwasmetwithamiddlegroundofsorts.His curioussmirksaid“Arewestillplayingcatandmouse...Ithoughtwe werepastthat,”buthiseyestoldadifferenttale.Theirforestgreenhue didnothelptosettlemyneedtoflee.
“Iamhermate,”Seanbarkedatthetrio,whohadceasedtomove thesecondheappeared.“Anyoneherecaretochallengethat?”Hestood solidly,staringthemdownacrossthenarrowdivide.
JannerandBeckettslowlyanddeliberatelyshooktheirheads'no'
whileAlistairstaredhimdown.
“Whothefuck―”
“Alistair!”Jannercried,shuttingtheothermanup.“Foroncewill youpleasekeepyourfootoutofyourmouth?Heisnottobequestioned, understood?”AlistairglaredatthesideofJanner'sface,butsaidnothing else.HeapparentlyfolloweddirectionsbetterthanIdid.“I'm sorry...Alistairis young.Hehasalottolearnyet.”
IlookedAlistairoveragain,thinkinghedidn'tlookallthatyoungto me,maybealittleolderthanmyself.Thenitdawnedonmethathewasn't talkingchronologicalage―hemeantwerewolfyears.
“Ithinktheseclownswerejustabouttoleave,Sean,”Coopersaid, turninghisattentionawayfromthemenforthefirsttime.“Perhaps you wouldlikethepleasureofshowingthemout?Ifnot,I'mhappytodoit.
Whicheveryouprefer.”
“No,”Isaid,instantlyregrettingmyinsubordination.Iknewit wouldtakeawhileformetogetthehangofnotcontradictingCooperin frontofothers;ourwholerelationshiphadbeenbuiltonbickering.
“Sorry,”Isaid,bowingmyheadslightly.“It'sjust...I'mkindofcuriousas towhytheydrovethroughoneoftheworststormsinNewEngland's historytocomehere.”
“IthinkI'denjoyhearingthatmyself,Ruby,”Seansaidfrombehind me.Myhairsstoodonendatthesoundofhisvoice.Itwascalmand collected,buttheundertoneIfeltwasmurderous.Ihadasneaking suspicionthatifhedidn'tlikewhattheyhadtosay,I'dbehavingaPC
clean-upcrewtakingcareofmylivingroom―again.
“Ofcourse,”JannersaidwithaninclineofhisheadtoSean.“We wereallmembersoftheSouthLondonpack.I'msureyouheardthatthere wassome... dissonanceamongstthefamily.”
“Ihad,”Seanrepliedshortly,implyingthatJannerhadbetterstart tellinghimsomethinghe didn'tknow,andfast.
Janneracknowledgedthesituationwithanodandcontinued.
“ThenIwon'tbothertogointodetailaboutthemurderandunrest withinthepackasI'msureyou'rewellapprised.I'llalsoassumeyou alreadyknowaboutthechangeinleadershipthattookplacerecently.”He pausedlongenoughforSeantoshoothimacuriouslook.Seanhadno ideawhathewasgettingat.“Oh,Isee,”Jannersaidflatly.“Well,there werethoseofuswhofeltthealphawasgettingintothingsheshouldn't andsoughttocounselhimonthematter.Needlesstosay,themeetingdid notgosowell.Hewaskilled.”
“AndamItoassumethenthatyouthreewereresponsibleforthat?”
Jannernoddedonce.
“Soyoudidn'tmeantotakehisplace?”Seanasked,moving forward.
“No.Onlytostoptheviolence.”
“Soyoufled?”
“Yes,”Jannerreplied,droppinghisgazetoSean'schin.“Hehad manysupporterswithinthefamily,andoneofthemwasalltoohappyto takehisplace,rulingashehad.Itwasbanishmentordeath.Wechosethe former.”
IlookedovertoseeCooper'sexpressionsoftenslightly.Hehad beenamemberofasimilarpackonce,soheunderstoodthequandary theywerein.
“Butwhyareyou here?”Cooperasked.
“Wewereallowedtoleavewithwhatwecouldcarryandwhat moneywecouldgatherbeforeouraccountswereshutdown.Weescaped totheairportandgotthefirstflighttotheUSAthatwecould.Oncewe landedinBoston,weaskedwherethebestandmostsecludedcamping areaintheregionwouldbe,whichledustonorthernMaine.We'vebeen hidingouteversince.”
“Idon'tunderstand,”Isaid,tryingtoworkthroughthelogisticsof whathe'djustsaid.“Whyareyouhidingout?They letyouleave...why notjustgosomewhereyouwanttobeandstartanewlife?”
“Because,Ruby,theyhavenohonor.They'llcomeforuswhenthey thinkwe'vedroppedourguards―becomecomplacent.It'stheirnature.”
“Okay,butIstilldon'tgetwhyyou're here,”Iargued.
“Wesawyouinthewoods,”hesaid,hesitatingslightly.“Thereare stories―rumors―ofawolfsopowerfulthatshecan'tbestoppedby anyoneoranything.ARougeetBlanc,”hesaidcautiously,looking directlyatSean.“WhenIfirstsawyou,Iknewitwastrue.Youarethat wolf.Wewanttojoin you.”
“AreyousayingIhaveaworldwidereputation?”Iasked, dumbfounded.
“Jesus,Ruby,”Coopersighed.“Thisishardlyatimetoworryabout yourinternationalstreetcred.”
“That'snotwhatIwassaying!”Isnappedathim.“I'mjusttryingto clarifythattherearepeoplethatknowaboutme.ThatknowwhatIam.”
“Yes,Ruby,”Beckettsaidgruffly,stillflankingJannerlikeagood littlesoldier.“Whenyoutorepastusinthewoodsonenight,redeyes blazing,weallknew.Wejustneverimaginedyou'dshowuponour doorstep.It'sasign.”
“Ilikedyoumorewhenyouwerequiet,”Coopersnarled.“She didn'tshowuponyourdoorstep.ThewayIheardit,youstalkedher throughthewoodsandthenattackedher.”
Seangrowled,lungingatthetrio.HehadJannerpinnedtothe groundbeforeIevensawhimmove.Beckettknewenoughtostandaside, buthelookedpissedaboutittosaytheleast.Notknowinganybetter, AlistairattemptedtoaidhisbrotherwolfandgottackledbyCooperfor hisefforts.
“Ruby,”Seangrumbled,stillholdingJannertightlybythethroat.
“Explain.”
“Nothinghappened,Sean,”Isaid,finallygraspingtheseverityof thesituation.HewasgoingtokillJannerifhedidn'tfindmyexplanation satisfactory.“Theyfoundme.Theyfedme,clothedme,andbroughtme home.Iwouldn'tbehereifitweren'tforthem.”Hisgriplighteneda minisculeamount.IrealizedIwasn'tansweringtherightquestion.
Ikneltbesidehim,wrappingmyhandaroundhiswrist,tryingto lowermyfaceintohislineofsight.
“Sean,”Isaidsoftly,“theydidn't touchme...okay?Nothinglikethat happened,Ipromise.”
Hiseyeswereblackasnight,butwhentheyfinallymetmine,a flashofemeraldbrokethrough,ifonlyforasecond.HereleasedJanner andstood,hoveringabovehim.IleanedforwardtoseeifJannerwasall right,butSeansnatchedmebytheshoulderandstoodmeupbeforeI couldevengetnearhim.
“Don'ttouchhim,”heordered,stillholdingtightlyontomyarm.“I thinkit'stimeforyourcompanytogo,Ruby.”
“Sean,”Istarted,choosingmywordsandtoneverycarefully.“They cametomebecausetheyneedhelp.Theydidasmuchforme.Iwantto hearthemout. Please.”
Hischestrumbledviolently,buthishostilityneverfullymadeitto hisface―thathekeptasexpressionlessaspossible.
“Cooper,maybeyoushouldtakethesemuttsoutofhereforawhile.
Canyouhandlethat?”
“I'mnotwildaboutyourplan,Rubes,”Coopersaid,addressingme beforeheansweredSean'squestion.Alwaysapissingcontestwiththose two."Butyes,Icantakethemoutofhereforabit.Maybewe'llgo somewherereallyniceandprivatesoIcangetsomerealanswersoutof theseaccent-wieldingchuckleheads.”
“Cooper...,”Isighed,hatinghisattitude.
“Iknow,Iknow.Benicetothestrays,Igetit,”hemoaned.“You're suchabuzz
killsometimes.”Helookedovertothehomelesstrioand motionedforthemtofollowhimout.Muchtomysurprise,theyfollowed withoutsomuchasaword―notevenfromAlistair.
IcaughtCooper'seyebeforeheshutthedoor. Becareful, mygaze toldhim.HiseyesdriftedtoSeanbrieflythenbacktomesaying, be carefulyourself.
Thedoorclosedheavily,leavingSeanandmeshutinwithour growingsilence.Icouldfeelhispenetratingstarewillingmetolookat him,butIcouldn't.Iwasemotionallywastedandphysicallyexhausted, andnotupforthetalkthatIknewwehadtohave.Howdoyouapologize fornearlykillingtheoneyoulove?
Withoutexplanation,Islowlystarteddownthehallwaytomyroom, knowingthathewouldlikelyfollowmylead.Hewasn'tgoingtoletme walkaway;he'dsaidasmuchwhenheshowedupatmyapartment.What Iwasn'tsureaboutwashowthatconversationwasgoingtogoonceit started.
Myroomwasdarkandchaoticasusual.I'dleftforMatty'sfuneral inafrenzy,andtheclothesstrewnallthroughmyroomwereevidenceof that.Itwasn'tsurprising―“vintagedisaster”seemedtobethethemefor itatalltimesunlesssomeoneelsecleaneditforme.Ididn'tevenbother makingexcusesforit;Seanwasusedtomyaffinityformessiness.
SinceI'darrivedhome,I’dneverhadthechancetochangemy clothes,oreventakemycoatoffforthatmatter,andIfoundmyself desperatelywantingtogetoutofmysomber,tatteredattireandinto somethingfarmoreappealing,likearattyT-shirtandsweats.Instead,I schleppedmyselfovertothewindowseat,whichwasdimlylitfromthe streetlightsoutside.Iploppedmybuttontotheupholsteredcushion,then pulledmykneesuptomyrightside,leaningmyleftshoulderagainstthe wallforsupport,andstaredoutthelargeglasspane.
“Ruby,”hesaidcalmly,promptingmetoacknowledgehim.I couldn'treadhistonethough;heseemedreserved,likehewaspurposely holdingbackfromme.Iwonderedifthatwasforhisbenefitormyown.
“Sean,I'msorryabout―”
“I'mheretotalk,notlisten,”hesaid,cuttingmeoff.Itwasprobably forthebest,givenmytrackrecordofdiggingholesdeeperthantheywere tostartwith.“Whathappenedthatnight...Iknowitwasn't you. Youwere notbehindthoseactions.”Iturnedtoseehisface,allhisfeatures beautifullyhighlightedbythetinystrandsoflightthatpermeatedfar enoughintotheroom.Iwishedhe'dwornanexpressiontomatch.“But westillhaveaproblem,youandI,”hecontinued.“Yourinabilitytotrust mehasonceagaincausedariftbetweenus.”
“Seemslikealittlemorethanarift,”Imutteredtomyself.
“Quiet!”hesnapped,andIjumpedattheharshnessinhisvoice.He slowlyadvancedtowardme,andIwantedtomoldmybodyagainstthe wall,frightenedbyhisbehavior.“After everythingwe'vebeenthrough—
allthedrama...thedeath,”hegrowled,stillclosingthedistancebetween us.“Whenyoucametomethatnightintherain―thenightyousaidyou choseme―Ithoughtthingschanged,andyet,onlydayslater,Ifound myselfnailedtothefloorwithknives,courtesyofScarlet'sloverand mate.”Hewasn'tshoutingatme,buthisvoicewasloudandmenacing, andI'dhavegivenanythingtohavebeenanywherebutinthatroomwith himinthatmoment.I'dseenthatragebefore,butneverdirectedatme.
He'dbeenangry,evenfearsomewhenthewholeincidentinquestiontook place,buthe’dneverhadtheenergytobackitup.Corneringmeinmy roomthatevening,hedid.
“You'rescaringme,”Isaid,tryingnottosoundlikethesniveling weaklingIwas.
“Good,”hesaid,leaninginclose.“Iwantyou terrified.”Hisblack eyestoldmeeverythingIneededtoknow.Whateverproclamationhehad madeearlierinthenightaboutbeingmymatewasaruse;hewantedto coneveryoneoutoftheapartmentsohecouldpunishme.I'dseenthe justicehewascapableofhandingoutandheardtalesofworse.Myday was notlookingup.
Thetremorsstartedlow,coursingthroughmybody,especiallymy hands,growinguntiltheyhitcriticalmass.Atthatpoint,therewasno concealingthesheerhorrorIfeltasmybodyknockedagainstthewallin aspastic,uncontrollableseizure.Ifeltlikeitwastryingtopurge somethingbyliterallyshakingitoutofme.Didmynervoussystemwant toejectScarlettoneutralizethethreat?Ifso,Idefinitelypreferredmy blackoutstothenewalternative.
ItwashardtoreadSean'sexpressionbecauseIcouldn'tgethisface tostaystillenough,butsomethinginhimshiftedslightly.Theragewas dyingout.
“Whereisshe?”hegrowled,pinningmyfaceagainstthewallinan efforttolookmeintheeyes.Myjawwasspasmingsobadlythatitmade ittoohardtotalk.“Tellthatbitchtogetouthere,now,”heseethed,his griptightening.
Ifeltthetearsrollinajerkypatterndownmyface.
“She'sgone,”Istammered,tryingmybesttobecoherent.
“Where.Is.She?”heaskedonelasttime,hisirisesandpupils bleedingintoonelargeblackorbofwarning.
“Sean...please,”Ibegged.“She'sgone....I...Idon'tknowhow.
Please, pleaseletmego.”Hisgripeasedandhebackedawayafootor two,leavingmesomebreathingroom.
“Whatdoyoumean'gone'?”
“IthoughtCoopertoldyou,”Isaid,scramblingfurtherawayfrom himuntilIwaspressedagainstthecoldpanesofglass.“WhenJannerand theothertwofoundmeinMaineacoupleofdaysago,thatwasthefirst timethat IhadbeenletoutinwhatIlaterfoundoutwasthreeweeks’
time.ScarlettotallyflippedoutoverMatty'sdeath.Idon'tknowwhatshe did,orhowshedidit,butshestuffedmeawaysomewhereinmymind, lockedthedoor,andthrewawaythekey.”
Heeyedmedubiously.
“Soforthreeweeksyouhadnoideawhatwasgoingonaroundyou?
Whatshewasdoing?”heasked,foldinghishandsoverhischest.He thoughtIwaslying.
“No!Ihadnoidea,that'swhatI'mtryingtotellyou,”Iyelled,my voicegettingtightwithemotion.“I'mnotsuresheplannedoneverletting meoutinitially,butforwhateverreason,sheleftmeinthewoods,cold andnaked.She knewthosethreeweretrackingher.I'dbetmylifeonit.I thinksheleftmetheretorelivemypast―thenightmyparentsdied,”I whispered,pickingatthetatteredhemofmycoat.“Shewantedmeto pay,Sean.Forbothofustopay.”
Irubbedmyeyes,tryingtoclearmyvision,butitwasnouse.The fatigueandexcessiveamountsofcryingthroughoutthedayhadleftthem blurryandtired.ReadingSean'sfacewasgrowingincreasinglydifficult, andIonceagaincouldn'tgetafeelonhisenergy.He,liketheboysfrom Maine,wasshieldingmefromsomething.
“Youcan'tsenseher?”
“No.”
“No.”
“Soshewouldhaveleftyoutofacemywrathalone?”heasked incredulously.
“Yes,shewould.SheleftmetofacetherefugeetrioinMainealone, andshewasatotalno-showwhenCooperflippedoutuponmyreturn.”
Mybodystillshook,buttheconvulsivenatureofthemovements hadsimmereddowntoamuchdullerroar,andmyheartratewasfinally slowing.Iwantedtostand,tofacehisangerhead-on,butIcouldn't.After everythingthathadhappened,thatangerwaswarranted.Itwashardto blamehimforhishostility,especiallywithScarlet.Thoughmyfear demandedIrun,Ididsomethingelseentirely.Isubmitted.
Understandingmyactions,hisdemeanorsoftenedeversoslightly.
“Idon'tseehowthisispossible,”hesaidmatteroffactly,though thereseemedtheslightesthintofquestioninginhistone.“She'sapartof you.Shecan'tjustdisappear.”
“She'sageneticexpression,Sean.Youtoldmethat.Maybethe environmentthatfirstallowedhertocomeforwardhasnowsenther back.YousaidRB'sChangedbecauseoftrauma.Maybetraumacan Changethemback...”
�
��Somethingisoffaboutyou.Isenseditatthefuneral,”hesaidto himself.“Soyouthinkshe'strulygone?”heasked,steppingcautiously towardsme.
Ishrugged,bitingmyliptofightbackthetearswellinginmyeyes.
Heturnedawayfromme,pacingtheroomasheranhishand throughhishairslowly.
Thenheputitthroughmywall.
“Fuck!”heyelled,slamminghisotherarmagainstmybedroom door.Hisangerstartledme,andIonceagainfoundmyselfshaking uncontrollably.Theragethathadsimmeredwasbubblingoveragain.
Whatevershieldhehadinplacewasn'tcapableofretainingthat.
“ThisisnotwhatIwanted,”hegrumbled,hiswordscomingfrom deepwithinhischest.“NotwhatIplanned.”Isaidnothinginresponse, thinkingthatplayingpossumonthewindowseatwasthebestgameplan.
Heseemedtobetalkingmoretohimselfanyway.“She'stheonewho needstopay,”hesaidaloudashepacedalongsidemybed.“Notyou.
Thisisall herfault,andnowshe'sconvenientlygone.”
“Sean?”Iasked,movingtowardstheedgeoftheseat.I'dneverseen himsounraveled,uncomposed―unhinged.
“Doyouhaveanyideahow maddeninglosingyouhasbeen?”
Hejumpedthebedinasingle,effortlessleaptolandrightatmy feet.“Allthistime,”hesaid,staringoutthewindowabovemewith vengefuleyesthatseemedtofluctuateincolorbythesecond.“Allthis timeIthoughtyou chosetoleaveme...wantedtoescapeme,andyethere youare.”
Inthatmoment,Ididwanttoescapehim.
“WhywouldIchoosetoleaveyouwhenIonlyjustgotyou,Sean?
Thatmakesnosense,”Iprotestedgently,reachingforhimbefore droppingmyarmtomyside.
“Andyou'rethequeenofrationalthought?”heaskedinamocking tone,hisdarkeyesovertakinghim.
“Hey!YouhavenoideawhatIdidtokeepyousafe.I begged Scarlet.Threatenedher.DideverythingIcouldthinkoftomakeherstop Matty.Intheend,shedidittoavoidherowndestiny.SheknewMatty wasbecomingwhatmadehimandshewouldnotbesuffocatedbyhis love,”Isaid,standingtofacehimfinally.Apparently,submissionwasn't whatSeanwantedafterall.HeappearedtowanttoknowthatIhadsome skininthegameandthatIdidn'tjustwalkoutonhimatthemost convenientopportunity.Icouldgivehimthatinspades.“AllIthought aboutwhenIwaslockedawayinmyownbodywashowIcouldgetout andgetto you,” Itoldhim,steelingmyselfagainsthisglare.“You consumedmyeverythought.Ididn'tevenknowifyou’dsurvived,Sean!”