Therewerefewcarsontheroadgiventheconditions,soIranalong theparkedcars,hopingtomakeiteasiertospotmyown.AsInearedthe TT,Isawamanleaningagainstacarjustacrossthestreetfromme.He stoodstoically,staringatme.Ithoughtmydaycouldn'thavegottenany worse,but,onceagain,theUniversehadmynumber.
Seanmovedtocrossthestreet,andIscreamedasoundsodesperate andpainedthattheloud,shrillnoiserangoutthroughtheneighborhood.
Hefrozeinplace,juststaringatme,hisfaceexpressionlessfromwhat littleIcouldsee.Myoutbursthadn'tbeenforhim;itwasforme―a cleansingofeverythingI'dpentupthatday.WhateverfateSeanheldfor me,Icouldn'tfaceit.Notthen.
Hesaidnothing,juststoodbyhiscar,motionless.Asmoretearsran downmyface,camouflagedbythefallingsleet,Ishookmyhead'no'at himslowly,thenturnedandrantherestofthewaytomycar.Igotin withoutlookingbackanddroveoffasquicklyastheweatherwould permit.
Mybodywasnumb,eitherfromthecoldorthefearandemotion thatoverwhelmedme.Ifoughthardagainstmygrowingrigiditytokeep thecarontheroad.Butregardlessofwhatcausedtheicyfeelingcoursing throughmyveinsandtheparalyzingsensationovertakingme,Iwasvery clearononething.
ThatwasnotthehomecomingwithSeanI'dhopedfor.
7
IttookmethreehourstodrivebacktoPortsmouthinthedeteriorating weather.Duringthattime,NewEnglandhadamassedeightinchesof snowandcounting.TheTTmayhavehadappropriatetires,butthanksto thelayeroficealreadyontheroad,shedidn'tfareaswellasIwouldhave liked.JustoutsideofSeabrook,NH,onI-95North,Ifoundmyselfdoing donutsinthecenteroftheroad,prayingthatIwouldn'thitanyofthecars aroundme.Makingitthroughthatordealunharmedwasablessing,butI stillhadseveralmilestogo,andIfoundmyselfwhite-knucklingthe wheeltherestoftheway.Mydistressoverthefuneral,aswellasseeing Sean,hadtotakeabackseattothedrivingcrisisathand.
Iheardmyphonevibratinginmypursebesideme,butdidn'tdare reachforit.WhoeveritwascouldwaituntilIwassafelyhome,inone piece.ItwasmostlikelyCoopercheckingtomakesureIhadn'tcauseda twentycarpile-uponthefreeway;theironywasthatIalmostdid.
IwasrelievedwhenIpulleduptomyhome,wantingtojustleave theTToutfrontandmakemywayinsideasquicklyaspossible,but parkingonthestreetwasnotanoption,soImanagedmywaydownthe sidealleywayandleftmycarinthesecludedparkinglotthatwashidden betweentwootherbuildings.IknewIwouldbeplowedin,butwhereto leaveyourcarinaNewEnglandstormwasalwaysthemilliondollar questionforthosewholivedintown,andImadedowithwhatIcould.I wasn'texactlyinahurrytogoanywhere.
Aftercrammingmybatteredfeetbackintomystilettos,Iwobbled mywaytothemainentranceofmybuilding,usingthebrickfaçadefor stability.Onceinside,Itookadeepbreath,leaningagainstthedoorfor support.Ithadbeenalong,tryingday,andIwassothankfulitwasover.
AllIwantedtodowascleanmyselfup,climbintosomewarmjammies, andcurluponthecouch.Withthatplaninmind,Iworkedmywayupthe stairstomyapartment.
ThesoundofmyclickingheelsalertedCoopertomyarrival,andhe swungthedooropenabruptly,lookingtheslightestbitfrazzled.
“Jesus,Ruby.Whathappenedtoyou?Areyouokay?”heasked, eyeingmyunkemptappearance.
“Longstory,Coop.It'sbeenaroughday,”Isaid,draggingmy wearybodyintothehouse.
Heflashedalookofacknowledgment,rememberingwhyI'dbeen goneinthefirstplace.Heusheredmetothecouch,hisarmaroundmy shoulders,andhelpedmesitdown.
“Howwasit?”heaskedsoftly,takingmyhandsinhis.Iwinced slightlywhenhebrushedacutthatwasbarelyscabbingover.Hefrowned whenhelookeddownandsawthem,immediatelygettinguptogo retrievesomethingfromthebathroomandreturningwithawarm washcloth.Withoutanotherword,hestartedtocleanthemup.
“Itwasawful,Cooper,”Iwhispered.“He's reallygone,andhis family―thepain―Icouldn'ttakeit.”Iwatchedwhilehedelicately wipedthedriedbloodfrommyhand,turningthewashclothoverandover inanattempttofindacleanarea.“Helovedme,Coop,”Iadmitted,my voiceladenwithguilt.
“Ofcoursehedid,”hesaid,finallymeetingmygaze.“It's impossiblenotto.”Hesmiledweaklyashebrushedaclusterofdrying curlsoffmyface,tuckingthemgentlybehindmyear.Ileanedinand kissedhimonthecheekwiththesametendernessthathe'djustshown me.
“That'snotexactlywhatImeant,”Isaid,suddenlyfeelingawkward.
“Imeanthe lovedme,andnotjustafterhisChange,butbefore.Long before,apparently.”
Cooperstoppedcleaningmyhandsandlookedatmeintently.
“Howlongbefore?”
“Months,”Isaid,beforehesitating;Iwasn'tsureIwantedtoopen myemotionalcanofworms.“Hismothersaidhewantedtomarryme.He toldherIwasthegirlforhim,andIkilledhim,Cooper.Ican'ttakethis!
Theguiltisunbearable...”Ilaunchedoffofthecouchandpaced franticallythroughthelivingroom.Somethinghadtogive,anditneeded todoitsoon.ThescreamI'dletoutinfrontofSeanwasonlya momentaryreleaseofpressure.IfIdidn'tfindanoutletfortherestofit, thelidwasgoingtoofficiallyblow.
“Ruby,justcalmdownforasecond,”Coopersaid,followingmeon mywanderingpaththroughtheapartment.“You havetoknowthatyou didn'thaveachoice.Hewasn'ttheirsonanymore―”
“Butthat'smyfaulttoo,Cooper!Don'tyousee?Everyonearound me—closetome—paysapriceforthat!You,Peyta,Matty...even Sean.
TheBeauchampswouldhave,ifwehadn'tcaughttheRevwhenwedid.
Christ,Cooper,their babywouldhavebeenkilled.Whatkindoffucking personendangerseveryonearoundthem?Everyonetheylove?”Hehad noanswerforme,thoughthepaininhisexpressionindicatedthathe wishedhedid.“Yousee?Even youcan'tdenyit.”
“Ruby―”
“No,Cooper!Noplacatingstatementsfromyou,please.You know thatI'mright.I'vestruggledwiththisformonthsnow,andeverytimeI thinkthematterisresolved,anewcasualtyhitsandI'mrightbackwhere Istartedagain.”
“Andwhereisthat?”heasked,lookingsaddened.
“I'mcursed,plainandsimple.SeansaidthatRBswerean aberration,butmaybeit'snotthat.Maybe abominationisabetterword, becausepreciouslittleseemstobepositivelyinfluencedbymypresence, Cooper.MaybeI'msomeforceofdarkness,meanttoplaguetheworld withtragedyandsadness.MaybethePCwasrighttoputusalldown.”
“Listen,you'retired,you'reemotionallyexhausted.Youneedtoeat somethingandrest.You'renotthinkingclearlyrightnow,”heargued, makinghiswayovertome.
“Agoodnight'ssleepisn'tgoingtomakethisgoaway,Coop.I'ma fuckingcalamity,”Isaid,dodginghimashereachedformyarm.“Maybe youshouldgo...moveout,beforesomethingelsehappenstoyou.”
“I'mabigboy,Ruby,andIdon'tknowhowmanytimeswe'regoing tohavethisverydiscussionbeforeitsinksintothatthickheadofyours,”
hesaid,lungingformyarmagain,successfullythattime.“I'm.Not.
Leaving.Whateverchaosmaycome,youandIwillfaceittogether.Fate hasbondedus,Rubes.Forbetterorworse,we'reateam.”
Myeyessnappedtohisfaceassoonasthewordslefthismouth.I’d beenbitch-slappedbyarealization.
“A pack,”Iwhisperedsoftly,mymindscanningbacktoa conversationI'dhadwithSeanonthenightofourfirstofficialdate.We wererehashinganargumentthatCooperandIhadjusthadbeforeIwent toseehim.Icouldn'tfigureoutsomethingthatCooperhadsaidtome; somethingregardinghisfeelingsformeandhowthey'dchanged.Howhe couldn'texplainthem.
I'mconnectedtoyouinawaythat'sbeyondmycomprehension...
Itallstar
tedtomakesense:Cooper'sshiftinpower,hisneedto keepmesafe,ourbond;hehadbecomean alpha.Somethinginhimhad emergedthenighthe’dkilledGregoryintheforest.Gregoryhimselfhad admittedthathe'dunderestimatedCooper'sstrengthandpower , and takingGregoryoutonlyfurtheredthosequalities.Itexplainedhow deeplyhelovedmeandIlovedhim,butevenmoreso,itmadesenseof whywecouldneverquitegetpastbeingfriends.Weweren'tmeanttobe mates; wewere pack, andhewasmyalpha.
“Whatdidyousay?”heasked,hislookofdisbeliefslowlymelting intooneofunderstanding.
“We'reapack,Cooper,youandI,”Isaid,standingmyground.
“Thinkaboutit.Itexplains everything,especiallywhyyougosonuts whenyouthinkI'mindanger.Yourjobistoprotectme. Youaremy alpha.”
Foronceinhislife,Cooperwasspeechless.
Istartedtogointofurtherexplanationofmytheory,butwasrudely interruptedbyabangingontheapartmentdoor.Myadrenalinespiked instantly—peoplepoundingonmydoorinthepastneverbodedwellfor me.Coopershotmealookofirritation,mostlikelybecauseIhadonce againforgottentolocktheoutsidedoor.
“I'msorry,”Icried.“It'sbeenabadfuckingday,Cooper.”
Hemutteredsomethingwhilehemadehiswaydownthehall, frustratedbymyineptitude.
“It'sasifyou wantsomeonetojustwalkinandkillyou,”he bitched,walkinginfrontofme.
“Hey!Atleastthey'dstillhavetogetthroughtheapartmentdoor,”I protestedasIhurriedupbesidehim.IflashedhimagrinthatIhoped wouldsoftenhimslightly.Itdid,butonlyminutely.
“You'regoingtogivemeanulcerifyou'rerightaboutthisalpha thing,”hesaid,reachingforthedoorknob.“Nowwouldyoumind steppingbehindme,please?You'rehardertodefendwhenyouput yourselffirstinthelineoffire.”
“Yes,master,”Iconceded,sidesteppingintoaspotdirectlybehind him,justashe’dasked.Asmallpartofmewasputoffbyhis domineeringremark,buttherealitywasthathewasright.Hewoulddie tryingtoprotectmeinanyandallsituationsthatImanagedtogetmyself into,mostofwhichcouldlikelybeavoidedifItookasecondtothink beforeacting.Foodforthought.
Perhapswewerebothgettingparanoid,giventhatwedidn'teven knowwhowasatthedoor,butparanoiahadserveduswellinthepast.
TheotherrealityIstillhadtofacewasthatIwasessentiallyhumanand morefragilethanever.Scarletwasgone,andIcouldn'tdependonherto healmeifIgotshotup,stabbed,ornearlyclubbedtodeath;yetanother inconvenienceofherabsence.
Somethinginhiseyesflashedatmysubmission,anditcemented everythingforme.Hereallywasanalpha,throughandthrough.The questionthatstirredinmymindwas:what kindofalphawouldhebe?
“Shallweseewhat'sbehinddoornumberone?”hetossedoverhis shoulderatmeasheturnedtheknob.
Whatherevealednearlystoppedmyheart.
8
“Iseethatyou'restillaliveanddoingwell,”avoicesaidfromthe stairwell.Coopergrowledatthemanwholookedpasthimatme.“Iwas worriedaboutyou.”
“Wewereworriedaboutyou,”anothermalevoiceadded.
InfrontofCooperandmestoodthethreemenwhohadfoundmein Maine.Onestoodslightlyinfrontoftheothers,soItookhimtobethe alpha.HewastallerthanCooperandthinnertoo.Hishairwasawashed-outblondthathekeptshort,andhisgray-blueeyeswerelargebutdull, likehewasinaconstantstateofexhaustion.
Thetwobehindhimweresimilarinsizeandshape,bothofthem withbrownhair,butthat’swherethesimilaritiesended.Whereonewas muscularandscholarlylooking,theotherwasatadleanerwithhardcore tatsandsteeldecoratingwhatIcouldseeofhisbody,leadingmeto believethatthereweremanyothersjustoutofview.
“Ruby...,”Cooperprodded,wantingmyexplanationASAP.
“ShouldIassumethatthisistheoneyouspokeofatthecabin?”the talloneasked,stillignoringCoopertostareatme.
“Whothefuckareyou?”Coopergrowled,clearlyunhappywiththe situation.
“Coop,”Isaid,cozyingupbesidehim.“ThesearethemenItold youabout.TheoneswhofoundmeinMaine.”
“They'renot men,” hereplied,stillstaringthemdown.
“Okay,fine,poorchoiceofwords.”Ilookedoveratthemaleson thelandingandtriedtofigureoutwhatexactlywasimportantenoughto makethemdrivethroughoneoftheworststormsNewEnglandhadseen inyears.“Whyareyouhere?”Iaskedbluntly,notfeelinguptoidlechat whentherewasclearlynonetobehad.
“Weneedafavor,andsinceyouoweusone,Ifiguredthatperhaps wecouldmakeanarrangementofsorts,”hesaid,foldinghisarmsacross hischest.
“Likewhat?”Cooperasked,cuttingmeoffbeforeIhadthechance toaskthesamequestion.
“Refuge.”
“Likeyouwantto stayhere?”Iasked,thoroughlyconfused.“I'm notafuckinghotel!”
Theprofessorial-lookingbrunetsteppeduptothesideofthelanky blond.Helookedwickedpissedoff.
“Wecouldhaveleftyoutofendforyourselfinthewoodswherewe foundyou,”hesaid,hisBritishaccentdrippingwithdisdain.Hedidn't seembigonaskingforhelp.“Youdidn'tlooktoocapableatthatmoment, soweintervened.I'dthinkthatwouldbuyusatleastachancetoplead ourcase.”
Cooper'slookwasmurderous.Ihadtophysicallygrabhisshirtto lethimknowheneededtotoneitdownanotch.Theyweren'tlookingfor afight,buttheyweren'twinninganypointseither.SensingCooper's growingrage,theleaderoftheirtrioattemptedtomediate.
“Alistair,”hesaid,histonelacedwithwarning.“Maybeyoushould stepoutsideandcooloffabit.Idon'tthinkyou'rehelpingoursituationat all.”
“Goodidea,”Coopergrowledinagreement.“Maybeyoushould all headoutside.”
IgrabbedhisarmandtriedtocalmhimslightlybecauseIknewhe wasdangerouslyclosetolettinghiswolfout,andthatwasthelastthing ourlittleimpromptupartyneeded.
“Dulynoted,”theblondreplied,noddingonce.“Sohowdoyou wanttodothis?”heasked,lookingnervousthatIwasabouttoboothim outofmyplace.
“Whydon'tyoustartbyremindingmewhoyouare,”Itoldhim, tryingtoslidepastCooperagain.
“MynameisJanner.ThisisAlistair,andthequietoneisBeckett,”
hesaid,motioningtotheothertwomen.
“Janner?Like yawner?”Iasked,tryingnottogiggle.“HowdidI managetoforgetthat?”HehadastrangeaccentthatIcouldn'tevenbegin toplace,soIshouldn'thavebeensurprisedthathehadacrazynameto accompanyit.
“Yes,”hesaid,hisjawclenchingslightly.“It'sacommonname whereI'mfrom.”
“So, Janner, whatexactlyisitthatyouneedrefugefrom?”Isaid, eyeinghimtightly.
“We'reinabitofapickle...,”Jannerstarted,choosinghiswords carefully.“We'reinthemarketforanewpack.Wethoughtmaybeyou wouldbeabletohelpwiththat.”
“No,”Cooperbarked,movingtoslamthedoorintheirfaces.I lungedinfrontofhim,stiff-armingthecentury-olddoorbackopen.
“Maybeweshouldhearthemout,Cooper,”Isaid,lookingupat him.“Theydidhelpme.”
“Theydid,thoughI'msurethatservedtheirpurposemoreinthe longrun,”hesnarled.“Andhadyounotbeenmated,Idon'tthinkIwould havelikedhowtheywentabouthelpingyou.”
“Probablynot,butthatdidn'thappen,”Iargued.Ilookedbackat Jannerandcompanyandtriedtofeeltheirenergies.Somethingab
out themwasguarded—I'dneverfeltthatkindofshieldingbeforeandwasn't certainwhattomakeofit.“Comein,”Ioffered,movingbackoutofthe doorway.Coopershotmeascathinglook,whichIignored.“Thisshould onlytakeaminute.”
Aftertheyentered,Cooperpulledmeasideandproceededtobicker withmeinfrontofthemaboutmebeingcrazyandirresponsible.I counteredabouthimbeingrudeandoverprotective.Wewouldhavegone onforever,butasinglestatementjarredusbothoutoftirades.
“Youarenothermate,”agravellyvoicecalledoutsoftly.Cooper andIdidanabout-facetostareatBeckett,thequietone.Hemayhave beenshortonwordsingeneral,buthechosetousethemwhenthey counted.Iwasn'tsureIlikedwherehewasgoingwiththatstatement.
“Yourbond,”hecontinued,movingtowardsmecautiously,“Idon't senseitlikeIdidbefore.Itshouldstrengthenaroundyourmate,not weaken.”
IlookedatCooperwithpanickedeyesandsawthathisfeelings wereverydifferentthanmine.Hiseyesglowedyellow,andIknewitwas allabouttogodownbecauseBecketthadtomakethatsingleobservation known.
TheothertwomeneyedmestrangelythenfollowedBeckett'slead, movingtowardsmeslowly,theirexpressionscurious.Ididn'tfeela menacingenergyfromthem―Icouldn'tgetareadonthematall.
“Sheisn'this,”Jannersaid,clearlycomingtohisownrealization.
Cooper'sgrowlingwasmoremenacingthanI'deverheardit,andI fearedthat,onthesamedaythatIlearnedIhadanalpha,Iwouldlose him.
ThetriokeptapproachingwithlittletrepidationvisiblewhileI continuedtoretreatsilentlyoutthedoorafterCoopershovedmetoward it.IquicklymetresistancewhereIshouldn'thave.BeforeIcouldturnto seewhatI'dbumpedinto,hisenergyslammedthroughmelikeabull throughacrowd.
Calm.
“No.Sheisn'this,”Seanrumbledovertopofme.“Sheis mine.”
9
WhenIfinallyturnedtoseeSean'sface,hewasalreadyleaningdown,his lipsatmyears.