Thatrealitybroughtaboutanentirelynewrevelation.
“Wait!WhyamI notasuspect,Cooper?Ishouldbe.Thereisno goodreasonwhyIwouldn'tstillbeconsideredone.Infact,myabsence shouldonlystrengthentheircase,"Irambledasmymindstartedtopull thepiecestogether.“Doubleholyshit,Coop!I couldgotojailfor murder!Whywouldyoujokeaboutthis?”
Hegavemehis'don'tbesuchadramaticblonde'face,forcingmeto sinkdownfurtherintotheseat.
“I'mnotgoingtogotojailformurder?”Iasked.Heshookhishead no,once.
“WhyamInotgoingtojail?”
Hegracedmewiththatsamecondescendingexpression.
“Sean... ”Iwhispered.Ishouldhavefactoredhimintotheequation longbeforethen.
“Yetanothermesshehadtocleanupforyou.”
“Seriously,Coop.IknowIdeservetheattitude,butI'mgoingto needyoutotakethehostilitydownanotchortwo.Justfortoday.Please,"
Ipleaded,notabletodealwithanymoredigseventhoughtheywerewell deserved.“I'llmakeyoualistofhealthyoutletsmyself.Jogging,Tai Chi... ooooh,howaboutpottery.”
“Okay,okay,Igetit.Pointmade.I'msorry,”hereplied,throwing bothhandsupinsurrender.
“Handsonthewheel!Hands.On.The.Wheel!”
Helookedoveratmeinallmycraziness,givingmehismost annoyedface.AllIcoulddowassnickerinresponse.Apparently,we werebothaweebitjumpyandpronetooverreactingthatmorning.
BeforeIcouldmakeaflippantremark,asoberingrealityslammed itswayintomymind.
“Cooper,”Istarted,mytonequestioning.“IfI'mnotasuspect,then whatamI?”
“Technically,”hestartedwithasigh,“you'reamissingperson.”
Missingperson...
“OhmyGod.Aretherepeopleoutlookingformestill?”
Hegavemeagrimlook.
“Notanymore.Yourcaseisstillconsideredopen,butBostonPD
andPortsmouthPDbothassumethatyouweremurderedtoo,andyour bodyneverwashedashorelikeMatty's."
“Boston?Whyaretheyinvolved?Andwhatdoyoumean'washed ashore’?Mattywasneverinthe―”
“Seanmakesthingsgoaway,Ruby.Hewantedtogettheheataway fromtown.MyguessisthathedumpedthebodyintheCharlesRiver somewhereanditgotdraggedouttoseawiththecurrent.Hewashedup alongthecoastline."
“SowhyisPortsmouthstillinvolvedthen?”
“Becausethat'swhereyouwerelastseen,”herepliedsomberly.
“Alanquestionedme.Itoldhimthetruth,thatyouwalkedoutofour apartmentthatnightandnevercameback."Hepausedforamomentand tookadeepbreath.“IalsotoldhimthatIhadnoideawhereyouwere goingorwhoyouweremeetingupwith,whichwaspartiallytrue.They mademetakeapolygraph.GuessIwasasuspectforalittlewhiletoo."
“I'msosorry,Cooper.Ihadnoidea.”
“Don'tsweatit.AlanneverbelievedIhadanythingtodowithit fromtheget-go.HegotmeclearedASAPsothattheywouldfocustheir attentionelsewhere,"hesaid,blowingoffhisnear-murdererstatus.“He's agoodguy.”
“He'sa greatguy,”Icorrected.“Maybeyoushouldtakemetothe precinct.Ineedtoseehim.”
Cooperimmediatelyturnedthecararoundillegallyinaone-way, thenpulledupmomentslaterinfrontofthepolicestation.
“Doyouwantmetocomeinwithyou?”heasked,searchingmy faceforhisanswer.Thoughmynerveswerehigh,myresolvewasstrong.
LikewithPeyta,itwassomethingIneededtodoonmyown.
“Nothanks,Coop,”Irepliedwithatightsmile.“I'mgoingtofly soloonthisonetoo.”
Hegaveanod.“I'llwaitforyououthere.Anddon'tevenstartto arguewithme.You'renotwalkinghomebyyourself.Nottoday,"he added.“Notforawhile...”
Ileanedoverandkissedhimsoftlyonthecheek,lingeringbyhis faceforjustamomentortwolongerthannecessary.I'dmissedhissmell.
Cooperalwayssmelledamazing.
“I'llberightback.”
IhoppedoutoftheTTandmademywayupthestairstothe precinct,mystomachknottingtighterwitheverystep.Ididn'tknowwhat IwasgoingtodoorsayonceIwasinside;Iprayedforsomedivine intervention.
Oncethroughtheheavydoubledoors,Iapproachedthepresumably bulletproofglassthatencasedthefrontdesk.Awomanatthetailendof herfiftieslookedupatme,notunkindly,andspokeintotheintercom.
“CanIhelpyou?”sheasked.
“Yes,”Ireplied,takingadeepbreath.“I'mhereaboutamissing personcase.”
“I'llgetoneofthedetectivesdownhererightaway,”shesaidasshe pickedupthereceivertopagesomeone."CanIpleasegetyourname, miss?”
“Ruby,”Isaidsoftly.“RubyDee. I'mthemissingperson.”
5
Herblankanddisbelievingexpressionquicklygavewaytorealization, andshebuzzedmethroughthelockedentrancetothemainofficesbehind her.Shewhiskedmedownthehall,jabberingonaboutnewsreportsand knowingthatmiraclesdidhappen;Istoppedlisteningtoher.Mystomach wasinmythroat,andeventhoughCooperwascertainI'dbeenremoved fromthesuspectlist,itdidlittleformyconfidenceonceIfoundmyself inthelion'sden.
Ifollowedherdownthewindingcorridorsandupaflightofstairs tothesecondfloorwherethedetectives’officeswerelocated.Rounding thefinalturn,Iheardadoorsqueakasanofficeremergedfromthe bathroomahalfstepinfrontofme.IntrueRubyfashion,Islammedright intohim,nothavinghadtimetoreact.
“Sorry!”Iexclaimed,spinningoffhisbodywiththemomentumhe created.“I'mso,so―”
Istoppedcoldonceoureyesmet.Alanstoodbeforemeonlyfeet away,staringdownatmyfrazzledselfasthoughhe'dseenaghost.I guess,inallfairness,itwasn'tsuchanirrationalresponse;forallintents andpurposes,Ihadbeenconsidereddead.Mycasestillbeingopen seemedaformalityatbest.
Notknowingwhattodo,Istoodparalyzed,juststaringbackathim.
ThereactionsI'dreceivedsinceIreturnedhadbeenfarfromwhatI'd expected.Cooperhadyelledandpushedmeaway.Peytahadfeigned indifferencethenimploded.Iwasn'tcertainIwantedtoknowwhatAlan woulddo.Hewasano-bullshitkindofguywhoalwayscuttothequick.
Hewouldn'tsugarcoatanythingforme,andinthatmoment,Icouldhave usedalittlepowderydusting.
Themomentseemedtogoonforeveruntil,thankfully,the receptionistreturnedtoretrieveme,notrealizingthatshe'dlostmeinthe firstplace.
“Ruby,Ineedyouto―”
“I'vegotit,Alice.Thankyou,”Alansaid,cuttingheroffmid-sentence.Hiseyesneverleftmine.
“Ofcourse,DetectiveBeauchamp,”shereplied,scurryingaround himtoreturntoherpost.
“It'sreallyyou,”hemumbled.I'mnotsurehemeanttoactuallysay italoud.BeforeIcouldevenrespond,headvancedonme,scoopingme upinhislongarmsandcrushingmeagainsthischest."Theythoughtyou weregone,but...Ineverbelievedit.Iknewthislittlekittenhadafew livesleft.”Hepushedmeouttoarm'slengthtolookmeover,andI squirmedundertheintensityofhisgaze.
“Imissedyouguys,”Iwhispereduncomfortably.
“Comeon,”hesaid,hisvoicetakingonamoreserioustoneashe surveyedthehallway.“Let'shavethisconversationsomewheremore private."
Heusheredmeintoaninterrogationroomtoensurewewouldn'tbe interruptedoroverheard.Iwasn'tclearonwhetherour'conversation'was tobeonorofftherecord,butIwentobliginglyregardless.IknewIhad someseriousexplainingtodo.
Pullingoutoneoftheclichédmetal-leggedchairs,hemotionedfor metohaveaseatandsituatedhimselfonthefarsideofthetable.
“Youwantsomewaterorsomething?”heoffered.
“No.I'mfine,thanks
,”Ireplied,avoidinghisgaze.“HowareKristy andthebaby?”
“Good.They'redownathermom'srightnow,takingcareofher.
Shefinallygotherkneesdone.”
“Oh,that'sgreat.Shereallyneededthatsurgery.I'mgladKristy couldbedowntheretohelp...”
WhenIlookedupatAlan,hemerelynoddedinresponse.Our ridiculousattemptatcasualconversationquicklydied,leavingan awkwardsilencethathungintheroomaswestaredateachotheracross thetable.Whilewedid,Iwatchedavisibleshiftinhimoccur.Hewent fromconcernedfriendtohardened-beyond-his-yearsdetectiveinaneerie switchofpersonalities.ItseemedIwasn'ttheonlyonecapableofthose.
“So,let'sstartfromthebeginning,Ruby,”hesaid,tentinghis fingersagainsthismouth.“Ithinkthatwouldbeeasiest."
“Okay...,”Ireplied,notcertainastowhere“thebeginning”was.
“YouwereatyourplacewithCooper,thensuddenlyleft.Wereyou alone?”
Ilied.
“Yes.”
“Wherewereyougoing?”
“TomeetMatty.”
“Where?”
Iliedagain.
“Justintown...downbythedocks.Wehungouttheresometimes,”I addedforcredibility.“There'sanoldercouplethatlivesdownthere.
They'veseenustheretogetherbefore.Youcanaskthem."
“Noneed,”hesaidflatly.Hiscoppersonawasinhighgear.“Did youseeMatty?”
“Yes.Isawhim.”
“Andwhathappenedthen?”
“Idon'tknow...,”Iwhispered,tryingtoconjureupsomethingtotell himthatwouldgoalongwithwhathealreadyknew.
“Wereyouattacked?”
“I'mnotsure.I―”
“Wastheremorethanoneofthem?”hepressed,leaningforwardon thedesk.
“Ican'tsay...Idon'tknow.”
“Youdon'tknow?”
“Idon'treallyremember.”
“Youdon'tremember?What doyouremember,Ruby?”
“Notmuch,”Imumbledweakly.
“Wherehaveyoubeenforthepastthreeweeks?”
“Idon'tknow.”
“Youdon'tknow?”heechoeddisbelievingly.
“No.Alan,I―”
“BecauseI'mhavingahardtimeunderstandinghowyourfriend endedupoutsideofBostonwhenyousaidyoumethimhereintown."
“I―”
“AndI'malsohavingahardtimeswallowingthatyoudon'tknow anythingabouthowhediedorwhodidit.”
“Whyareyoudoingthis?”Iasked,atearescapingthecornerofmy eye.He'dbeensohappytoseemeonlymomentsearlier.Itappearedthe honeymoonperiodwasover.
“Becauseyou'relyingtome,Ruby.It'snotthefirsttimeeither,and it'sgettingundermyfuckingskinatthemomentbecauseIdon'tbelieve thatyouwouldlietomeunless someonewasputtingyouuptoitoryou weretryingtoprotectsomeone,”heyelled,slamminghishandagainst thetable.“AndIhaveaprettyfuckinggoodideawhothatsomeoneis too.Whathashegottenyouinto,Ruby?Whatdidhedo?Anddon'tthink forasecondthatIdon'tknowaboutwhathappeneddownatLangley.
YourbuddywasdowntherewhenMcGurneywasexecuted.Thatisn't coincidenceinmymind.”
Istaredathim,totallyflabbergasted.HethoughtSeankilled Matty―killedbothhimandMcGurney,forthatmatter.Andworstofall, hethoughtIknew.
“Alan,”Isaidsoftly,tearsstillstainingmyface,“Seandidnotkill Matty.Hedidn'tkillMcGurneyeither."
“Really?”heasked,histonedrippingwithdisdain.“Youweren't therewhensomefuckershotmyfriendinthebackofthehead,were you?"
Iofferednothinginresponse.
“ButSeancalledmefromLangley...whenhewasflyingback.He foundMcGurneydead,Alan.Seanneededhishelp―informationona CIAcover-upthatonlyhecouldprovide.WhywouldSeankilltheone personwillingtohelphim?"Iasked,thinkingmypointswerebothtrue andvalid.
“BecauseIhavethesneakingsuspicionthatyourfriend Seanisa
'cleanupyourmesses'kindofguy.Ihavenodoubtthat,oncehegotwhat hewaslookingfor,hetidiedup,”herumbled,histonelowandmenacing.
Whatwasfrighteningabouthisaccusationwasthat,asfarasthe supernaturalworldwent,hewasprettymuchspot-on."Isthatwhat happenedtotheCarmilokid?Washeamessthatneededtobecleaned up?”
Ionceagainfoundmyselfmeetinghisquestionwithsilence.
“You'dbesurprisedatwhatIcandigupwhenthemoodstrikesme, Ruby,”heretorted.“I'vebeenlookingintoyourbuddy,Sean.What's mostinterestingabouthimistheinformationI can'tfind.Ican'tseemto locatesomuchasanaddressforyourlittlefriend.I'mnotevensurehe hasalastname.”
“Alan,please...it'sbeenaroughdayalreadyandit'sbarelykicked intogearyet.Itwasn'tSean.Youhavetobelieveme."
“Thenwho?”heyelled,pushinghischairbackquicklytojumpto hisfeet.“Whowasit?”HeloomedovermelikeIwasacriminalhewas tryingtobreak.Toobadhewasn'tawareoftheironythesituationheld.
“Idon'tknow,”Iwhispered,crumblingweaklyunderhisfrustrated energy.
“Tellme,Ruby,”hesaidinawarningtone.“Tellmeorthischanges thingsbetweenus.I'vegivenyoualotoflatitudeinthetimeI'veknown youbecauseIhaven'twantedtobelievethatyouwerecomplicitinthat man'sactions.ButifyouwanttosithereandlietomyfacelikeI'msome rookiethatyoudon'tknow―whosefamilyyouhaven'tbecomeapart of―thenyou'regoingtofindoutwhatit'sliketobeonmywrongside.”
“Stopit!”Iscreamed,burstingunderthegrowingpressureinthe room.“Itwasn'tSean.Ididn'tseewhodidit.AllI doknowisthatIdon't rememberathing.Nothing!Thelastthreeweeksofmylifearegone, Alan.Gone!IwokeupinthewoodssomewhereinMaine.Somepeople foundmeandbroughtmehome.Ididn'tevenknowI'dbeengonethat long.AndfromthesecondIgotback,I'vehadnothingbutanimosityand aggressionthrownmywaywithahealthydoseofaccusationtoboot.I can'tansweryourquestionswhenIdon'trememberanythingfromthe timeIsawMattyuntilthetimeIwokeupnakedinsomerandomforest.”
Icouldbarelymanage,butIbroughtmygazeuptomeetAlan'sas heslowlywithdrewhisposition,sittingbackdowninhischair.Thelook onhisfacewasempty.Icouldpracticallyseehismindtryingtoprocess everythingI'dsaidafterthefact,butIdecidedtocontinueanyway.
“SeanwasonaplanewhenMattydied,Alan.Italkedtohimearlier thatnight.That'swhenhetoldmeaboutMcGurney...justlikeItoldyou."
Helookeddistant,likehewastryingtoputthepiecesofamental puzzletogetherbutcouldn'tquitedoit.
“That'swhatheclaimedwhenhecametomeabout―”
“Waitaminute...whatdoyoumeanhecametoyou?Whatareyou talkingabout?”
“Itmeansthathecametomyhousetoreportyoumissinghimself.
I'mguessing,givenwhatever occupationitisthathe'sin,hewantedto takemorecreativeavenuestofindyou,”hesaid,eyeingmetightlyagain.
“Ididn'tknowaboutyourfriendMattyuntillongafterSeanhadcometo me.HadIknownatthetime,Iwouldn'thavelethimleavesoeasily."
“Andnow?”Iasked,thinkingAlanstillwasn'tgoingtobelievemy story.Infairness,itwasn'texactlytrue.
“There'snothingtodo.Thehomicideisaclosedcase,”hesaidwith acertaindistaste.“AbodywasfoundjustoutsideofBostoninthe victim'scar.HewasidentifiedasthePortsmouthmurdererbasedon someevidencethatwasneverreleasedtothepublic.Carmilo'sbloodwas foundonhisclothesandinthevehicle.ThebesttheBostonPDcould determinewasthattheperphaddrivendowntoHopkintontodumpthe bodyintheriverandletitwashdownstream.Whatwasleftofithad woundsthatindicatedafighthadgonedown.Allwecouldassumewas that
theperphadbeenbadlywoundedandslowlybledout.”Alanleaned forward,elbowsrestingonthetable,hisheadinhishands.
“Convenient―don'tyouthink―thatamurderer,whowasalready
'eliminated'byyourownaccount,camebacktolifetokillyourfriend?I thinkit's highlyconvenient,andIalsothinkit'sbullshit.Ihavenoidea howSeandidwhathedid,buthemanufacturedthiswholecover-up,andI wanttoknowhowandwhy."
SodidI.KnowingthatKeithJameshadbeenlongsincebeen burnedtoashinRonnie'sbackyard,Iwasacutelyawarethatitcouldn't havebeenhisbodyinthatcarthattheBPDfound.Itmademewonder justwhosebodyitwasandexactlywhatlengthsSeanhadgonetotoclean upmymess.
IhadnoexplanationtoofferAlan.Hewasn'tstupid;heknewthatI knewmorethanIwaslettingon.Asfarasheknew,Iwasbeingevasive, butIknewthathecouldn'tprovehislittletheory.Seanandtheboyshad doneexactlywhatAlanhadaccusedthemof,andconsequently,done whattheydobest―makeproblemsdisappear.
“Idon'tknowwhatmoreIcandohere,Alan.I'mtellingyouwhatI remember,whichisnothing.Ihavefuckingamnesiaorsomestress-inducedwhateverthat'sblockingmythoughts.Hell,Icouldhavebeen roofiedforallIknow.Hookmeuptoapolygraphifyoudon'tbelieve me.Askmeanythingyouwantaboutthelastthreeweeks.Iguarantee youI'llsailthroughitbecauseIdon'tremember,”Ipostured,gaininga littlecomposure.“IfyouwanttotalktoSean,haveatit.You'llhaveto findhimfirst,andbelieveme,he'sthetypethatcan'tbefoundifhe doesn'twanttobe.He'saghost.”
“Youdon'tknowhowtofindhim?Getaholdofhim?”heasked disbelievingly.
“Notifhedoesn'twantmeto,”Irepliedwithatwingeofsorrowin myvoice.“HeandIaren'twhatyouthink,Alan.I'mnothingtohimnow.
Ican'thelpyou."
Istoodslowly,awkwardlypickingatthehemofmytee.Alantold methatmyrefusaltoexplainwouldchangethings.Iknewwithone hundredpercentcertaintythathewasn'tbluffing.Thefrustrationand resentmentthatrolledoffofhimtoldmeso.
“I'msorry,Alan.Ireallyam.Iknowyouhatecover-upsand conspiraciesmorethananything,andfindingthetruthisafundamental needforyou,butIcan'thelpyou.Ihaveawholelotofthingstofigure outformyselfrightnow,mainlywhatinGod'snamehappenedtomefor thelastthreeweeks,”Isaidsoftly,hatingmyselfforhavingtolie.“Do meonefavor,please...”