Iknockedlightlyonthedoor,knowingthatshewasn'tgoingto answerme,soIturnedtheknobbeforeshecouldobject.
“Peyta,”Icalledsoftly.“I'vegottogetthisout...”
Iquicklyfoundmyselfstandingaloneinherroom,talkingto nothingbuttheTVthatwasstillon.Knowingshewasinthehouse,I startedtostormtheupstairs,throwingopendoorsinsearchofher.I wasn'tcertainastowhyafeelingofdistresstookmeover,butIjustknew somethingwaswrong.ThemoreIfocusedonit,themorepanickedIfelt.
Frustration,helplessness,andshameovertookme,inexplicablyforcing metounderstandherreactiontomyhomecoming.
Control...mustgetcontrol.
Ithoughtandfeltthosesentimentsasiftheyweremyown,and that'swhenIknewwhereIwouldfindher.Thebathroomdoorremained closedatthefarendofthehall,andIchargeditlikeabullseeingred.I crashedthroughitwithathunderoussound,bustingthedoorwideopento ascenethatdisturbedmemorethananyI'deverseenbefore.
Peytasatpantlessontheedgeofthetub,herbacktowardme, completelyunfazedbymyentrance.Iwatchedasshedrewherarmback fluidly,herhandglidingalongtheinsideofherthigh.Onlyoncethatpass wascompletedidIseetherazorshehelddelicatelyinherhand.
“No,”Igasped,lungingforthesilverbladebeforeshecoulddoany furtherdamage.Shedidn'tevenfightmewhenIrippeditfromherhand.
OnelookatherfaceandIknewIwhy—hertrance-likestatenearlymade myheartstopcold.
“Itshouldhurt,shouldn'tit?”sheasked,staringeerilyatthetilein frontofher.Thewhitetubbelowherbledslowlytopink.“Butthedeeper Icut,thebetterIfeel.”
“Why?”Iasked,usingthelastounceofbreathmylungspossessed toforcethewordout.
Sheturnedherfacetowardsmesoslowlythatitwasanalmost inhumanaction—unnatural.
“Iwassinking,”shesaidasIstaredintodull,emptyeyes.“This keptmefromdrowning.”
“Peyta,”Iwhispered,crushingherinmyarmsbeforetheguiltcould overtakeme.“Ineverleftyou.Iwouldneverleaveyou...Ineedyouto understandthat.Doyouunderstandthat?”
“Youallleft,”shesaidmatteroffactly.“Butit'sokay.Thismakes itokay.”
“This,”Isaid,indicatingherbloodstainedandscarredthighs,“is notokay.Peyta...thisisn'tlikeyou.What'sgoingoninyourheadright now?Pleasetellme.I'mbeggingyou.You're scaringme.”
“Itoldyou―Iwassinking.ThismademefeellikeIhadsome controloverthings,”sheexplained.Herfocuscamebackslowly, removingthefrighteningappearanceofsomeonewho'dbeentemporarily possessed."There'sjustsomuch...somuchIcan'tcontrol,”shecontinued, grabbingatowelfromthebarbesideherandpressingittoherleg.“First myfather,thenJay,thenyou.Itwastoomuch.Don'tyoueverfeellike it'stoomuch?”sheaskedinatonefartoocasualforthediscussionat hand.“Ifeltlikemybodywasgoingtoexplode,likeeverycellinitwas fightingwiththeonenexttoit.Ididn'tknowhowtoletthatemotionout.
Everyoneexpectssomuchfromme.Icouldn'tverywellfallapart,could I?”
Isaidnothing,onlystaredindisbeliefatherwords.Howcould someoneansweraquestionsoriddledwithdisturbingsubtext?
“Everyoneneededmetobestrong,”shesaid,thefaintestofsmiles paintingherface.“AndIwas.Iwasthereforeveryone.Mymom, Cooper..."
“Butwhywasnobodythereforyou,P?”Iasked,takingthetowel fromherhandsoIcouldinvestigatethedamage.“Whycouldn'tyoulean onanyone?”
“That'snotmyrole,Ruby.”Shesaiditasthoughthatfactwas painfullyobvious.Itwasn'ttome.“Peoplehavealwaysexpecteda certainlevelofmaturityfromme,andthissituationwasnodifferent.In fact,itcalledformetobethebestI'deverbeen."
“Whatchanged,Peyta?Atwhatpointdidthisallgosowrong?”I asked,beggingforanyshredoflightshecouldshedonwhenthingsgot sobadthatshehadresortedtomutilatingherself."Isthisthefirsttime you'vedonethis?”
Judgingbythefadedsilvery-whitelinesonherotherthigh,it wasn't.
Shesawwheremyeyeswerelockedandtriedweaklytoobscuremy viewofthem,butthedamagewasdone―Iknew.Itwasthefirsttimethat nightthattheshameofheractionsseepedthroughtothesurface.
“Idon'tdoitoften,”shedefended,wrappingthetowelaroundher waist.“Maybeahandfuloftimestotal."
“Doesyourmotherknow?”Iasked,shudderingatthethoughtof havingtotellher.
“NO!”shescreamed,grabbingmywristssotightlythatmyhands startedtoturnpurple.“Youcan'ttellhereither."
“Peyta,”Isighed,sittingdownbesideher.“Youcan'tkeepthisfrom her.She'sworriedaboutyou.Sheknowssomethingiswrong.”
“It'sfine,Ruby,”shesnapped,movingawayfromme.Heranger hadreturned,andIknewthatwasn'tagoodsign.Ineededtofindawayto dissipatesomeofheremotionsoshewouldn'tfindherselfinthetub,only hourslater,dancingwithabladeagain.
Getmadatme.Takeeverythingoutonme.Ideserveit.Ileftyou, remember?Make mehurt.”
“I'mnotmadatyou,”shesaid,forcingacomposedfront.
“Bullshit!”Iyelledbeforeleaninginclosertoher.“Youmaythink you'refoolingeveryone,butyou'renot.Especiallynotme.You're furious atmeforleaving―forwhathappenedtoJay―becauseyouknowthat is myfaulttoo,right?I'mthereasonMattyattackedhim.Hell,I'm practicallythereasonyourfatherwaskilledtoo.Whydon'tyoutakethat outonme?Goahead,Peyta,"Ichallenged,stillupinherface.“Takethat outonme.”
“Whyareyoudoingthis?”sheasked,herbottomlipquivering slightly.
“BecauseIwantyoutochannelyourfuckingemotionsatsomeone otherthanyourself,”Iprodded,desperatelywantinghertoletsomething out― anything.“Youwanttocutsomeone?Whynotcutme?Whydon't youinflictsomepainonadeservingpartyforonce?”
“Butyoudon'tdeserveit,”shestarted,steppingawayfromme.She lookedfrightened.
“Idodeserveit,”Ishouted,pickinguptherazorandhandingitto her.“Doit!DOIT!”
“Idon'twanttocutyou!”shescreamed,throwingherviceagainst thetiledwalloftheshower.Itricochetedwildlybackatus,causingmeto flinchslightlyasitfelltotheflooratmyfeet."Iwanttocut her! Iwant Scarlettopay!Iwantthatbitchtobleed.ShenearlykilledJay,”she screamedbeforecrashingtoherkneesonthefloor.“He...I...Icouldn't helphim.Hejustlaidthere.Seanbroughtmeacorpse― mycorpse,andI froze,justlikeIfrozewhenmymomwasdying.Whenyouweredying.I nearlylethimbleedtodeathinfrontofme.”
Hersobscameheavybetweenherwords.Heremotionallevyhad broken,andthistimetears,notblood,flowedfreelythroughitscracks.
“ForonceinmylifeIdidn'tfeelalone,likemypastwasfinally goingtostophauntingme,andthenBOOM,”sheyelled,slammingher fistintothewall,“everythingcrashesdownaroundme.Ican'ttakethis!”
Icouldn’ttakeiteither.
Theoverwhelmingsurgecrashedovermeandtookmybreathaway.
Ifthoseweretheemotionsshe’dstruggledwithwhileIwasgone,thenI wasthankfulthatthecutsonherlegswereallshe’ddoneinmyabsence.
TherealitythatImightnothavehadPeytatocomebacktoatalldid nothingtonormalizemybreathing.
BeforeIcouldmakemyselfusefultoher,Cooperknockedonthe door,andwithoutawaitingthego-ahead,openeditimmediately.Peyta scrambledtocoverherselffullywiththetowelwhileIdidaquick assessmentofwhathewasabouttosee.Itlookedgrim.Thetubwasstill streakedwithtrailsofcrimson,thebladelyinginnocuouslyonthefloor nexttoit.
“Everythingokayinhereladies?Iheardsomeshoutingand—�
��
Hefrozeoncethedoorfullyunveiledthemacabresecretithadonly justmomentsbeforecontained.Iwatchedasthetenuousnatureofwhat hebeheldunmaskedhisexpression,disbeliefsettingin.Hestareddown atPeyta,whoscurriedmoretightlybehindmylegsforshelter,before lookinguptomeetmygaze.
Inararemoment,wesharednowordsatall.Withasingleand deliberateshakeofmyhead,Isilentlyorderedhimoutoftheroom.He compliedwithoutquestion.Iwouldexplaineverythingtohimlater,asI alwaysdid,buthedidn’tneedthefullimpact.SeeingPeytainthatstate forasecondmorewouldhavegivenhimthat,andCooperwouldnever haveforgivenhimselffornotseeingherstrengthforwhatitwasatthe time—afaçadeofbraverytomaskherdarksecret.
Withasigh,Imovedquicklytolockthebathroomdoorbeforeany moreunwantedvisitorscouldarrive,thenIcametositbyPeyta,whohad againperchedherselfonthesideofthetub.Sheshookviolentlywhile sheletoutyears’worthofemotionsinthetinybathroom.AllIcoulddo washoldherandrideoutthestorm.
Icriedwithher,desperatelyneedingtoletoutsomeemotions myself.Differentpersonalitytypesdealtwithgriefandtraumain differentways.Someneededtotalktheirfeelingsthrough,somestuffed themdowndeepenoughthatonmostdaystheycouldfunctionasthough thefeelingsneverexisted.Others,likePeyta,heldacertainvolatilityat baywithonlytheweakestofsupports—addtoomanystressorstothepile andeverythingcollapsed.
“She'sgone,”Iwhispered,leaningmyheadagainstheraswerocked togetherontheedgeofthetub.“Idon'tknowwhereScarletwent,but she'sgone.Ican'tfindher.IwishIhadmoreanswersforyou,P,I honestlydo,butIjustdon't.WhenScarletkilledMatty,something snappedinsideher.Shetookmehostageandranwildforthreeweeks, onlytoletmeoutatthemostinopportunemoment,”Iexplained,wishing Icouldtellhermore.“Ididn'tknowhowtobreakitalltoyou,butyou havetoknowthatIwantedtocallyourightaway.Iloveyou,Peyta.
You'remyfamily.”
“Ikeptthestoregoingforyou,”shesniffled,grippingmetighter.
“Iknowyoudid,P.Coopertoldmeallaboutit.Hewassoproudof you. I'msoproudofyou,butI'mworriedtoo,”Isaid,pullingawayfrom herenoughtoseeherface.“I'veseenplentyinthispastyearthatscared me,butnothinghasscaredmemorethanwhatIjustsawyoudoinghere today.Ican'tletyoucontinuethis,andwhetherthatmeanstellingyour motherordraggingyoutosomeprogramsomewhere,I'lldoit.Nothing aboutthisisokay,Peyta.Youneedhelp.”
“Iknow,”shewhispered.“Idon'twanttofeelthiswayanymore.”
“We'llfixit,”Isaidsoftlybeforekissingherhead.“Together,we'll fixit.”
4
Ittookforevertogethome.
AfterIhelpedcleanPeytaupandmadeitabundantlycleartoher thatsheneededtoconfronthermotheraboutherissueorIwasgoingto doitforher,Ilefthertoit.Iprayedthatshewould.Thatwasa conversationIwould sonotlookforwardtohavingwithRonnie.
WhenIemergedfromthehouse,IsawCoopersittinginthecar, doorsclosed,engineoff.Hishandsgrippedthewheelasthoughhewas drivingwhilehisgazewasoffsomewhereinthedistance,unfocusedand unsettled.Hewasrattledtothecorebywhathe'dseen,justasIhadbeen.
ItappearedthatIwasdealingwithitfarbetter.
NothingchangedasIapproachedtheTTorwhenIwalkedinfront ofit.Hejustsatandstaredblanklyoutthewindshieldatnothing.WhenI poppedopenthepassengerdoor,Igotinwithabsolutelynoresponse fromhim.Hewasclearlyinshock.Ididn'tknowwhattodo,soIsatthere insilence,staringoutthefrontwindowwithhimwhileIwaitedforhim tocomebacktothepresent.Tocomebackfromwhateverdarkplacehe'd foundinhismind.
Astheminutespassed,Iworriedaboutwhatwasgoingoninsidethe house.IwonderedhowRonniewastakingthenews.Eventually,Ilooked overatCooperandgentlyplacedmyhandonhis,whichstillgrippedthe wheeltightly.
“Cooper?”Iwhispered,tryingtocoaxhimbackfromwhereverhe was.
“Shewas...,”hestarted,unabletoforcethewordsout.
“Yes.Shewas,”Irepliedsoftly,givinghishandalightsqueeze.
“Becauseyou...”
“Yes.”
“Butwhy?Why that?”
“Becauseit'swhatsheknows,Cooper,”Iexplaineddelicately.
“She'sdoneitbefore.Isawthescars."
Theleatherunderhishandgroanedashestrangledthewheel.He hunghisheaddowntohischestandslammedhiseyesshut.Aftera minute,hepulledhimselftogetherenoughtositbackupandreleasehis gripeversoslightly,buthewouldn'tfaceme.Hisgazedriftedstraight aheadyetagain.
“Ithoughtshewastakingeverythingsowellatfirst,”hewhispered inaconfessionalway.“Iknewshewouldbreakdownwhenshethought shewasalone,butitseemedunderstandable.Ihadnoidea..."
“Youcouldn'thaveknown,Coop.It'snotyourfault.”
Hisexpressionwaspained.Hewasfightingtokeephisemotionsin check.
“Howmany?”heaskedoutofnowhere.
“Howmanywhat?”
“Marks...onherlegs.Howmany?”Ifrowned,notwantingtoanswer him.TheanswerIhadtogivewasnotgoingtohelp."Ruby,please.How.
Many?”
“MorethanIcouldcountintheshorttimeIcouldseethem.Some werefresh.Otherswerelonghealed,”Isaid,wishingI'dhadbetternews forhim."Shetoldmeshe'sonlydoneitonafewoccasionsinthepast, butI'mnotsureIbelieveher.”
Hesqueezedhiseyeshard,wincingawayfromtheinformationhe’d requested.Whenheopenedthemagain,asingletearescapedandslowly rolleddownhisface.Reflexively,Iwipeditaway.
“Whatdowedo,Ruby?”Hisexpressionwaspitifulwhenhefinally turnedtofaceme.Itwasplainonhisfacethathefelthelpless,anditwas afeelinghewasbeyonduncomfortablewith.
“Sheneedshelp,andnotthekindthatwecangiveher,Coop.She needscounseling.ItoldherthatshehastotellRonnieorI'mgoingtodo itforher.Thiscan'tbeblownover."
“Willshedoit?”
“Idon'tknow,butI'mcheckingwithhertomorrow.I'mnotletting thisgo.GodknowsIdon'twantto,butI'lltellhermomifsheforcesmy hand.Peytaneedsallthesupportshecangetrightnow.From allofus.”
Hebreathedoutforciblywithonelargegust,thenfireduptheAudi.
“Okay,”hesaidcurtly.“Whateverittakes.”
“Agreed,”Iadded,forcingasmile.
Heforcedagrimoneinreturn.
“Iguessweshouldheadhomebeforeanymoreenlighteningfacts canpopup.”
“It'sstillearly,Coop.Haven'tItaughtyounottosaythingslikethat outloud?Don'ttaunttheUniverse.Itdoesn'tlikeit,"Isighed.“Iknow thesethings.Itseemstohaveitoutformemoreoftenthannot.”
Heputthecarinreverseandrolleditgentlydownthedriveway.
“Gladtoseethatyou'reonyourbestdrivingbehaviorinthenew car,”Imocked,tryingtolightenthemoodatad."Don'tthinkyouplayed mewiththewhole'Idon'tthinkyoushoulddrivewhenyou'rethisupset'
thing.Youjustwantedtodrivethenewcar.”
Oncehehittheroadhethrewitinfirstgearandpeeledout,literally burningrubberinRonnie'sneighborhood.Heglancedoveratmewitha slightlyhauntedsmile.
“WhatdoyouthinkI'vebeendoingwhileyouweregone?Ispenta lotoftimeinthiscartryingtofindyou.”
“Cooper,Ithinkyoushouldslowdownabit,”IsaidcalmlyasI watchedthespeedometersteadilyincrease.
“IspentalotofmilesrunningupanddowntheEasternSeaboard too,”hemumbled,begrudginglyobligingmyrequest.
“I'msorry,Cooper,”Iwhispered.
Hegavehisheadashakethenturnedandsmiledatme.Truly smiled.
“Ididn'tmeanto
soundthatway,Rubes.Ijust...”Hepausedfora momenttochoosehiswordscarefully."I'vegotalotbuiltuptoothat needstocomeout.Ineedtofindanoutletforit.”
Filledwithconcern,myeyesdartedtowardhim,searchinghis profileforexplanation.Ididn'tlikethesubtextofhisstatement.Clearly seeingmydistress,heelaborated.
“Notdrugs,Ruby.A healthyoutlet.”
“Okay,”Isighed,sinkinglowerinthepassengerseat.“Ithinkweall needoneofthoseall-inclusivevacationsinArubaorsomething.We're allwound waytootightlyatthemoment.”
“Aruba,”hescoffed.“Yourpaleasswouldpracticallygoupin flamesthere.”
Iwantedtoargue,buthewasright.Notwantingtoadmitthat directly,Iconcededthepoint.
“YouknowwhatImean.”
“Ithinkyouhavealittletoomuchonyourplatetobeplanningany trips,”hesaidwithachilltohistone."Youjustgotbackfromone.”
“How'sthatlistofhealthyoutletscoming?”Iaskedcurtly.
“Poorly.It'scomingalongpoorly,apparently.”
“Soitseems.”
Ourconversationstalledmomentarilyaswerolledintodowntown Portsmouth,neitheroneofuswantingtosaythewrongthingand potentiallystartafight.Therewereentirelytoomanyemotionspacked fartootightlyinmylittlesportscar.Weneededtodecompress.
Coopersuddenlychuckledtohimselfatsomethoughthehadn't gottenaroundtosharingwithme.Itwasanervouslaughthatheldahint ofinstability.Iwasusedtohearingthatfrommyself―neverhim.
“Well,atleastyouwon'thavetogotojailforMatty'smurder.”
“What?”Iexclaimed,wheelingaroundtofacehim.“Iwasa suspect?Holyshit,Cooper!”
“Ofcourseyouwere,”hesaidflatly.
“Wow,”ImutteredtomyselfasIsankinmyseat.“Ijustnever thoughtabouttheauthorities,butIguessitmakesperfectsense.Iwasthe lastonetoseehimalive."Itriedtoprocesswhathehadsaid.Thelast thingonmymindhadbeenthehumanauthorities,butitwasanoversight ofepicproportions.Whywouldn'tIhavebeenasuspect?Iwasthelast knownpersonhehadseenthatnight.