“Cooper,we'vethoughtallalongthatScarletwastrappedawayin whateverdarkcornerofmymindshelockedmeupin,right?”
“Yeah...”
“Whatifshe'snothidingawayatall?Whatifshe'sdisappearing?
Dying?”
“Shecan't.Thatdoesn'tmakeanysense.She'spartofyou.”
“Iknowsheis,butIdon'tfeel anything, Cooper.Nothingfromher, andIhaven'tsincesheletmeout.ItoldSeanthatmaybesincetraumalet herout,traumashutherawayagain,butI'mstartingtowonderifthatis evenwhat'sgoingon.”
“Explain.”
“Thematebond,it'sintense,right?”
“Well,Idon'tknowfirsthand,butI'veseenit.Iguessthat'safair estimation”
“Didyoueverseethatbondbroken?”Iasked,hopinghewouldhave answersthatcouldshedlightonthemysteryshroudingScarlet's disappearance.
“Idid.Once.”Hisvoicesoundeddistantandmournful.
“Whathappened?”Iproddednervously.
Heswallowedhard.
“Hekilledhimselfafterward.Hecouldn'thandletheloss.”
Silenceweighedheavilybetweenus.
“Whatifthat'swhatScarletisdoing?Whatifshe'sslowlyfading away?Fromgrief?”
“Butthatdoesn'tmakeanysense.Theywere justnewlymated.The wolvesIknewhadbeentogetherfordecades.Surelythatmustfactorinto things.”
“Youdidn'tfeelherpain,Cooper.Beforesheshutmeout,itwas unbearable.Therageandgriefwerestifling.”
“Butit'scompletelyunlikeher,Ruby.She'scunning,shrewd,and highlyattachedtoliving,ifIrecallcorrectly.Shewouldn'tcrawlintoa corneranddie.Noway.Thatbitchwillgodownfightingeverytime.”
Iwasn'tsosure.
“Butwhatifshecouldn'tfight?Whatifshehadnooutletforit?”I asked,wonderinghowsomeonesoill-equippedtodealwithemotionof thatkindwoulddowithoutsomething,orsomeone,totakeitouton.
“AlistairkilledhisalphabecausehisbondwithJemmahadbeensevered.
Onceheknewwhotheguiltypartywas,hetorehimapartwithout thinkingtwice.Scarletcouldn'treallydothatgiventhecircumstances.
Shehadnoonetoclaimhervengeanceon.”
“Maybe,butIstilldon'tbelieveshewouldjustwalkawayintothe abyssofyourmind.It'sjustnothernature.”
“Idon'tthinkshe'squiteascallousasyoumakeherouttobe, Cooper.Anditexplainseverything.MysightrepairedtheverymomentI Changed.Whyelsewoulditdisappearotherthanasadirectresultof her disappearing?”
“Fuck!”heyelled,smashinghisfistintothewallbesidehim.“This justcan'tbehappening.Itcan't.”
“Iwanttoagreewithyou,Coop,butsomethingGavinsaidonly furthercementsmytheory,”Iarguedsoftly,notwantingtoupsethimany morethanIalreadyhad.“HesaidthatIneededtogetcontrolofherinthe future, ifIwaseveraffordedtheopportunity.Ithinkhemeans ifshe's stillaroundtogetcontrolofatall.Thathastobeit,Cooper.Youknow whatI'msayingmakessense.”
Hislackofresponsewasconfirmationenough.Hiscrushing embracewasoverkill.
“We'llfindawaytofixit,Ruby,”hewhisperedintomyhair, rustlingitsoftlywithhiserraticbreathing.“Idon'twanttoaskthis,but whenisSeanhome?Ifanyonecansortthisout,it'llbehim.”
“Hesaidhe'dbebacklatertoday.Hewassupposedtobemeeting Jay,Trey,andfewotherbrothersinBostonlatertoregroupanddebrief.I cancallhim.”
Coopermadethatgrimacedsuckingsoundthroughclenchedteeth.
Badnewswasheadedmyway.
“You'regonnaneedtousemyphoneforthat,”hesaidsheepishly.
“Yoursmayormaynotbeinpiecesonthelivingroomrug.”
“Man,I'mgoingtohavetostartbuyingcheaperphonesgiventhe rateIgothroughthem,”Ilamented.“Youcangetmeonetomorrow.Tell Chip,orTad,orwhateverhisnameisatRadioShackthatIsayhi.Iswear heknowsmynamebynow.”
“I'msorry.Takemine.Gotoyourroom.Callhim.Rest.We'llsort everythingelseoutlater.”
Heplacedhiscellinmyhandafterretrievingthenumberand hitting“call”forme.Ireachedforhisfaceandpulledhimdowntome, leavingawhisperofakissonhischeekbeforefollowingthehallwaywall downtomybedroomandshuttingthedoor.
IsatonthebedjustintimeforSeantopickup.
31
Cooperwasright.IneededtotellSeanwhatwashappening―butnotover thephone.Somethingsneedtobedoneinperson,andthatwasoneof them,soIdidmybesttoplayitcasualandsaidIwasgoingtostopbyhis placelaterthatevening.Iknewthatbreakingthenewswouldhurthim terribly―hewasafixer,andasfarasIcouldtell,therewasn'tawayto fixmysituation.Ihopedhewouldshamemewithaneasysolution.
CooperdrovemeovertoSean'sapartmentandofferedtowalkme up,butIdeclined.Iwasn'tcompletelydebilitated.Notyet.Taking advantageofthelittledaylightthatwasleft,Icarefullymademywayto theentranceofhisbuilding.Onceinside,Istartedupthemultipleflights ofstairsasIcountedthemoff―ahabitIneverquitelostafterIgained mysight.Itwasjusttooingrainedinmenotto.
SinceIhadcalledahead,hewasexpectingmeandawaitedmy arrivalonthelandingoutsidehisapartmentdoorasheoftendid.The blurryfigurecouldhavebeenanyone,really,butIknewitwashimfrom hisenergy.Itintensifiedwithmyeverystep.
“Iwasgladyouwantedtocomeovertonight,”heannounced, soundingeverybitaspleasedasheproclaimedtobe.IloathedthatI couldn'tseethesmilehewaslikelywearing.
“Yeah,well,myplansfellthroughso...hereIam.”
Helaughedheartilyatmyjab.YetanotherthingIwassorryI couldn'tfullywitness.
IknewIwasapproachingthefinalstep,butasIlookeduptosmile inhisgeneraldirection,Icaughtmytoeonthelastone,fallingtoward him.IntypicalSeanfashion,hecaughtmewithoutanyeffortandhelped meintotheapartment.HehadnoideajusthowmuchIneededthathelp.
“Gladtoseesomethingsneverchange,”hejoked,closingthedoor behindus.Theapartmentwasdark,whichdidnothingtohelpme.What wasitwithhimandlights,anyway?
“ItseemslikeScarletwasthemorecoordinatedofustwo,and, well,she'snotreallyaroundtohelpoutthesedays,so...”
“Soit'stheRubythatIfellinlovewith.Theonewhocouldfind dangerinthemostinnocuousofplaces.”
“Guessso.”
“Doyouwantsomethingtodrink?”heasked,walkingbehindme towardthekitchen.Heflippedontheindustrialpendantlightabovethe island,whichwasagodsendforme.Theobjectsintheroomwerefar moreeasilyseenwiththatlittlebitoflight,butIwasstillreluctantto move,soIhoveredwhereIwas―eightstepsintotheapartment.
“Um,Idon'tthinkIneedanyfurtherimpairment,thanks.”
Hehesitatedforamoment;hewasnolongerrummagingthrough thecupboardforhisstash.Ifeltthesweatbeadingonmyback.Ididnot wanttohavethisconversationwithhim,butitwascominganywayI slicedit.
“Somethingwrong,Ruby?”Hisfigureapproachedmeslowly.“Why areyoujuststandingthere?”
Iprayedforawaytotellhimdelicately.
“I...Ican'tstaylong,Sean.Ijustcameovertotellyousomething, really.”
Icouldfeelhisguardgoup,andforamoment,IwasgladIcouldn't seehisbeautifulbutimpassiveface.
“Whatisit?”HistonewascolderthanI'dthoughtitwouldbe.
“Yousee,thethingis,”Irambled,unabletojustblurtoutthetruth.
“CooperandIweretalkingand―”
“YouandCooper?Isee,”heinterrupted.“AndamIgoingtolike theconversationyouhad?”
Silence.
“No.”Icouldfeelthetearswellingupinmyfailingeyes.Theywere sonothe
lping.
“No?”heasked,histonetakingthatbusinesslikeedgethatI dreaded.“ThenIsuggestyoujustgetitoverwithandtellmewhatitisso IcanknowexactlywhatitisthatI'mnotgoingtolike.”
Hemovedclosertome,blockingoutthekitchenlight.Icracked underthepressureandtriedtomoveaway.Steppingtotherightofhim,I thoughtIwasaimingtowardthecouch.Ishouldhavehadaclearpath.
Apparently,he'dgoneshoppingsinceIwaslastthere.Inmyescape attempt,Icaughtmytoeontheedgeofarugthathadneverbeenthere beforeandcrashedtothefloor.
“Dammit!”Iscreamed,hatingthehelplessfeelingIhad.
“What'swrongwithyoutonight?”Hetriedtohelpmeup,butIwas toofrustratedtoaccepthishelp.
“Don't!”Isnapped,knockinghishandaway.“Icandoitmyself.”
“I'msureyoucan,Ruby.That'snotthepoint.”
“Butit isthepoint,Sean.It'scompletelythepoint.”
“Areyoutryingtopickafightwithmetoavoidtellingmethebad news?”
“No,I'mpickingafightwithyou totellyouthebadnews.”
“What?You'renotmakinganysense.”
“Great!ThenI'mactingcongruentlywitheverythingelsethat's goingoninmylife.”
“Wouldyoupleasejusttellmewhatyou'retalkingabout?”
Itwasn'tarequest.Itwasanorderwrappedupwithaquestionmark foretiquette.WhenIdidn'treply,hetriedanother.“Wouldyouatleast lookatme?”
“Ican't,”Iwhispered.
“Youmeanyouwon't,”hereplied,thetensionpalpableinhisvoice.
“No!ImeanI can't,Sean,”Isnapped.“Youwanttoknowwhy?I'm goingblind,Sean.That'swhyIcan'tlookatyouandthat'swhatIcameto tellyou―whatCooperandIweretalkingaboutthatyouwouldn'tlike.”
Ifeltthetearsoverflowandflooddownmyface.Theypissedme offevenmore.
“What?”hewhispered,completelymotionless.
“I'mgoingblind.Ididn'trealizewhatwasgoingonatfirst.I thoughtIwasjusttiredanditmadethingsabitfuzzy,butyesterday...it escalated.Icanonlymakeoutthegeneralshapesofobjectsaroundme,”I informedhim,slowlyfeelingmyangerdrainawaytodejection.“Ican't evenseeyourface.”
Islumpedbackdowntotherugthathadexposedme,pullingmy kneesupintomychest.Growingupblindhadnevermademefeelsmall andhelpless.Losingmysightagaindid.
“Ruby—”Hecouldn'tevenfinishhisthought.Itriedtoblockhis energy,butitwasimpossible.Itcoatedme,penetratingasheslowly approached.WhereIwouldnormallyfinditcomforting,itonlyservedto makemefeelworse.
“Pleasedon't,”Isaid,puttingmyhandsupdefensively.
Ifeltthefloorgivewaytheslightestamountashekneltbeforeme, takingmywristsgentlyinhishands.
“Letmesee.”Hisvoicewassoftandsorrowful,butitwasanorder nonetheless.Notwantingtofighthim,Islowlyliftedmyheadfrommy kneestofacehim―eyesclosed.Heloweredmyhandstothefloorthen cuppedmyfaceinhishandssoreverently.“Openthem. Please.”
Withadeepbreath,Ididjustthat.Itonlysaddenedmefurther when,insteadofseeinghisangelicfaceinfrontofme,Isawablurred mess.ItwasnothowIwantedtorememberhim.
Heranhispalmgentlyupmyface,restingitjustovermyeyes.He mutteredsomethingunintelligible,andIfelthisenergyshift immediately.Itwasintense,dark―ancient.
Unfortunatelyforme,myproblemwasn'tonethathismagiccould mend.
Iheardthegrowlgrowinginhisthroatashepulledhishandaway.
“Iknow,”Isniffled.“Ididn'tcomeherethinkingyoucould.”
Hesaidnothing,onlypulledmyfacetowardshisslowly.Myeyes closedinresponse.Ifelthisbreathlightonmyfaceasheleanedinto gentlykissmyeyelids,hoveringovereachonewhenhefinished.Maybe hethoughthislovecouldfixthem.
Iopenedthemtoseeifithad.
“Stillnothing,”Ijoked,notfeelingespeciallyhumorous.
“I'msorry,Ruby.”Hisvoicecarriedaweightthatthreatenedto breakhim.
“It'snotyourfault,”Ireplied,reachingforhim.Ifoundhisfaceand didmyownexploring,tracingallthegloriousanglesitheld.Onelasttear escapedasIdid.
“Wehavetogetherback― Scarlet.Wehavetofindoutwhat's happeningtoher.”
Isighed.
“Sean,Ithinkshe'sdying,orfadingaway.Somethinglikethat,”I said,rehashingtheconclusionthatCooperandIhadcometo.“I'mgoing tobewhatIwasbeforesheshowedup.”IchokedonthewordsIspoke, andtheonesIneededtosay.“Willthat...?Willyou...?”Anothersigh escapedmebeforeIcouldforcethewordsout.“Willyoustillbeableto loveme,ifit'sjust me?NoScarlet.Nosupernaturalanything.Justme, blindandeverything?”
“Nothingcouldmakemestop,Ruby. Nothing.”
Hesaidnomore,scoopingmeupsilentlyintohisarmsandcarrying meofftowardhisbedroom.Layingmedownsoftlyontopofhisbed,he sliddownbesideme,immediatelytuckingmeinclosetohim.Thoughhis wordsfailedhim,hisemotionsdidnot.Foronce,theyservedhimwell.
Inthedarkness,heshowedmeexactlywhatImeanttohim,andI felteveryounceofit.Hetangledhishandsinmyhairandneverletgo, kissingmesoftlyandslowly,likenothingelseintheworld mattered―likethedramacouldbepostponedforanotherday.ButIcould feelthathehadwithdrawnsomewheredeepwithinhimself―there,but not―asifhismindhadescapedtoaplacethatmadehimmorecapableof dealingwiththeimplicationsofmyblindness.
Ikissedhimback,tryingtoreachhim,toassurehimthroughmy touchthateverythingwasgoingtobeallright.Judgingbyhisreaction, hedidn'tbuymyfalsecomfortsanymorethanIdid.Ourpacestarted slow,hiskisseslingering,butasweproceeded,ithastened,bothofus feelinganeedtohavemore,faster.Desperationandfearfedus.
Withgrowingconcern,ourbodiestwistedcloserandtighter, clingingtooneanotherlikeitwaspertinenttooursurvival.Maybeit was.Hewassooftenmylifeline;itmadesensethathewouldbeyet again.Hewhisperedsoftandforeignwords,hisbreathticklingmylips, causingmybodytoshudder.Theytemporarilylulledme,sweetly releasingmyfearswhileIsuccumbedtotheonlythingthatmatteredin thatmoment―him.
Hisforeignmutteringspickedupintensityandurgencywhenhe finallyunlockedhishandsfrommycurlstoexploremybody,claiming everythinghetouched.Myhandsmirroredhis,franticallyclawingathis clothing,whichIsuddenlyfoundoffensive.Ourmouthswerestill entangled,eachtryingtoconsumemoreoftheotherwitheverygrowing second.
Afterfinaglinghisshirtoffwithsomeeffort,Icapturedthebackof hisheadinmyhands,fistinghishairtightlytoleveragemybodycloser tohis.Thevibrationthatcoursedthroughmefromhischesttightened everypartofmeinthemostgloriousofways.Seanstillhad,andalways wouldhave,aneffectonmethatwasunparalleled.
Iscrambledinresponse,needingtohavehisbareskinonmine,but heclaspedmyspastichandsinhis,holdingthemgentlydownatmy sides.Withmesomewhatimmobilized,hecontinuedhismission, unhinderedbymyrisingdesiretobewholewithhim.Hepresseddown againstme,lettingmefeelthefullweightofhisbodybeforeslidingup alongmetoputhislipstomyear.
Iheldmybreath,expectinghimtosaysomethingprofoundashe alwaysdid,butinsteadhejustbrushedthelobeeversolightlywithhis mouth.Everyhaironmybodystoodatattention.Heworkedhisway downmyneckpainfullyslowly,angeringyetpleasuringmetheentire way.Onoccasionhewouldwhisperthesameindecipherablephraseover andoveragainstmyskin,delightingmynervoussystemwithevery melodicsyllable.
Myshirtstrayedupwardashishandstracedghost-like
patterns alongmysides,mystomach―mychest.Ishiveredbeneathhim,willing himtospeedup,thewaitnearlytorturous.Whenhislipscamedown uponthehollowofmyneck,Iheavedupagainsthim,begginghimforthe contactIwanted―needed―most.Tobeonewithhimandhimalone.
Sensingmydistress,hegentlypulledmytopovermyhead,his bodyneverdriftingfar.Hisbareskinonminefeltlikeheaven,anditwas morethanenoughtokeepmefocusedonthenowandblockoutthe uncertaintyoftomorrow.Tomorrowcouldwait.
Hisfingerscontinuedtheirballeticdanceacrossmybody, memorizingitthroughtouchasIhadmemorizedhisfaceonlyminutes earlier.IfeltasthoughhewastryingtounderstandhowIwouldliveina worldofshadowsandunknowns.Itwashiswayofempathizingwith whatIstoodtolose.
Everypassdrewthelightesthintofsorrowfromhim,hisforeign wordscomingmorefrequently―aconfession,apurgingofremorsefora losshecouldn'tquiteunderstand.Ireachedforhim,tryingtopullhim backtome,butheevadedmelikeonlyhecould.Itriedtotellhimwhat heneededtohear,butheshushedmequickly,restinghislightly callousedthumbonmymouth.Itthenbrushedapathbackandforth acrossmylips,andtheypartedwiththecontactasIinhaleddeeply.
Instinctively,Itookitintomymouthandtoyedwithit,suckingitslowly untilagrowlescapedhim.
Secondslater,mypantsweretossedagainstthewall,slidingdown untiltheyhitthefloorwiththelightestthud.Theywereechoedby anotherpairdirectlyafterward.WhenSeanreturnedtome,itwas abundantlyapparentthatthetimefortendernesswasover.
Heslidmyunderweardowncarefully,butwithhaste.Restinghis body,stillagainstme,hespoketheonlywordsIunderstoodduringour encounter.
“Iwillnotletyougo,”hewhisperedintomymouthashekissed me.
Thenhewasinsideme,drivinghimselfagainstmybodyasthough hewantedtothrustmyvisionbackintome―ordriveScarletoutof hiding.Witheyesclosed,Imethispace,wantingtoblendintohisrhythm seamlessly.Ourtiminginlifehadneverbeenperfect,butthatnightinhis bed,itwas.
Hisrepetitiveforeignphrasecontinuedthroughout,buildingin volumeandcadencetomatchhispowerandspeed.Aswebuilttoclimax, hepushedupoffofme,grabbingmylegstothrustintomeonefinaltime.