WhenIreachedforthedoorknobtomyroom,Imissedentirely.
Everythinginfrontofmestartedtomergetogether,andIblinked furiouslytotryandfocus.ItfadedinandoutwhileIcarefullywalkedto mybed.Thankfully,Sean'sspecialistleftmyroomcleanerthanIhadsoI didn'thavetocontendwithfloorsnipersalongtheway.
“Cooper,”Icalled,sittingdownontheedgeofthebed,“IthinkI'm goingtocallitanight.I'mwickedbuzzedalready,andit'smakingmy headspin.I'llseeyouguysinthemorning.”
Hewalkedinthroughthebedroomdoormomentslater.Helooked likeablurrymess.
“Youokay?”heasked,standingnexttomybed.
“Yep.Justdrunkandtired.”
“Butyouonlyhadonebeer,”herepliedquestioningly.
“Andapparentlynotenoughfoodorwater,butI'mtootiredto remedythat.Ijustwanttosleepitoff.”
“Ifyousayso.”Hehesitatedbesidemeforamomentbefore bendingovertokissmyforehead.“I'llcheckonyouinthemorning beforeweleave.”
“Whereareyougoing?”Iasked,feelingtotallyoutoftheloop.
“Theboysfoundaplaceoutsideoftown.We'regoingtogocheckit out.”
“Really?Evenafterallofthis?”
“Theyneedtheirownspace,Rubes.There'snobathroomupthere.
Norooms.Theycan'tstayupthereforever;besides,it'syourstudio.You usedtolovetodanceupthere.”
“Ugh.Isodon'twanttotalkaboutdancerightnow,”Igrumbled.
Dancewasstillatouchysubjectforme.DanceequaledMatty,andafter killinghim,thatequationnolongerworked.
“Fine,butwe'restillgoing.Ifyou'reupbeforeweleave,youcan come.Otherwise,I'llseeyoulater.”
“Soundsgood,”Ireplied,closingmyeyestoblackoutmydrunken vision.“Loveyou.”
“Loveyoutoo,Rubes.”
Hegentlyclosedthedoor,leavingmealonetotryandgetaholdof myself.Myphysicalhealthhadbeendeterioratingformonthsduetomy neglectfulways,mycircumstancesneverquitelendingthemselvesto excellentself-care.Buteventakingthatintoconsideration,itseemedto begettingexponentiallyworseatafarmorealarmingrate.Ineededto getahandleonthingsbeforeIliterallystartedtofallapart.Withmy supernaturalstatusinastateofflux,Iwonderedifthatleftmemore vulnerabletohumandisease.Ididn'thavetimeformigraines,insomnia, orbraintumors,soIhopedthatwasn'tthecase.
WhileIfrettedaboutthepossibilities,Ifeltanoddlyfamiliar sensationaroundme.ItfrightenedmeatfirstuntilIrealizedwhatit was―ormorespecifically,whoitwas.
“Matty?”Icalledout.
Ireceivednoresponse.WithoutPeytanearby,Icouldn'tseehimor hearhim,butIcoulddefinitelysensehim.
“Imissyou...,”Iwhispered,notwantingCoopertooverhearme.“I wishIcouldtalktoyourightnow.Youwerealwayssogoodtotalkto whenIneededit.”
Silence.
“Eversincethatnight...thenightyoudied,mylifehasbeenatotal mess.IfeellikeeverythingisfallingapartandIhavenocluewhattodo aboutit.WhenIusedtoneedtoclearmyhead,Iwoulddance,butnow...”
IletmywordstrailoffwhileIstaredatthedarknessinmyroom.The truthwasIdidn'twanttodanceanymore.Notwithouthim.
“Ilikeknowingthatyou'rehererightnow.Isthatweird?Itseemsa littlecreepybutit'strue.Ilikeknowingthatyou'restillwithmeinsome way.Thatyou'rewatchingoutforme.”Ipausedinanattempttostiflethe emotionsthatsurgedatmysentiments.Ireallydidfeelbetterwithhim around.Ialwayshad.“Youwerealwayswatchingoutforme,Matty.
Don'tthinkthatIdidn'tnotice.”
Suddenly,IfelthisenergyfadingandIwasstruckwithaninstant senseofpanic.
Thoughhisessenceneverfullyregaineditspreviousstrength,it didn'tdisappear.Asmymindquieted,Idriftedofftopeacefulsleep, knowingthatIhadMattynearme.Peytahadsaidthatshecouldn'ttell howlonghehadbeforehefaded,soIselfishlywantedtoenjoythose momentswhileIcould.
Iknewtherewouldcomeatimewhentheytoowouldfade.
*
Thenextmorning,Ifloppedoverinbed,eyesstillclosed, luxuriatinginthefeelofagoodnight'ssleep.IthadbeeneonssinceI'd hadone,andIjustwasn'tquitereadytogiveupthewelcomesensationit broughtwithit―thefeelingthateverythingwasrightasrain.WhenI openedmyeyes,Irealizedjusthowcloudytheforecastactuallywas.
Theroomlookedfuzzyandfragmented,soIrubbedmyeyes, thinkingthatthepriorevening'salcoholplusmysleepingoverindulgence hadledtoeyeboogersthesizeofTexasdistortingmyvision.Nosuch goodluck.Withseveralattemptstoclearmysight,Iwasnobetteroff.
Icouldseelightaswellasobjects,buteverythingaroundmehad takenonapoorlydelineatedshape,lookingmorelikeamorphousmasses thansharplyedgedfurniture.Stunned,Istumbledmywayoutofbed, trippingonsomething―mostlikelymyshoes,whichI'dkickedoffhours earlier―clutteringthefloor.IexpectedCoopertocomerunning,buthe didn't.Heandtheboysmusthavealreadyleftfortheday.
Tocurbmygrowingpanic,Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtojust breathewhileIcursedmyinabilitytoputthingsawayratherthanscatter themaroundmyroom.AsIdid,somethingtuggedatmymind.A memoryI'dlongagotriedtorepresscamecrashingtomyconsciousness.
Theirvoiceswokemefrommysleeplateintheevening.Theyso rarelyfoughtwithoneanotherthatIfoundmyselfcompelledtohearwhat hadcausedthemtodoso.
“Ithardlymattersnow,Robert,”mymothersneered,thesoundofa glassshatteringinthesinkpunctuatingherremark.
“Sheila,please.Youknowwehadlittlechoiceinthematter.It’s done.There'snosenseindwellingonityearsafterthefact.”
“ButIfeelsotrapped,” shecontinued,completelyignoringhim.
“Ourlivesweresomuchsimplerbefore...”
“Iknowtheywere,butwhatelsecouldwehavedone?Wecouldn’t havegivenheraway.Youknow thatwasn’tanoption.”
“Weshouldneverhavelistenedtohim,”mymotherlamented quietlyasIpressedintothehallwayfurther,unabletoignorewhatthey weresaying.
“Listened?That’shardlywhatwedid,andyouknowit.Wehadno choiceinthematter—hemadedamnsureofthat,”myfathersaidwitha growl.“He’llanswerforhistreacheryeventually,butfornow,we proceedaswehave.She’llbeoutofourhairsoonenough.What’s anotherdecadeortwo?”
“Aneternity,”mymothersnappedathim.
“You’rebeingdramatic,Shanley...”
“DoNOTcallmebythatname.Thatwomanisgonenow.He’smade certainofthattoo.”Shestompedthroughthekitchen,riflingthrough cabinetsandslammingdrawers.Ilistenedintentlytothefamiliarsounds ofherfrustration—shealwayscleanedwhenshewasupset.
“Afewmoreyears,”myfathersaidsoftly,haltingmymother’s endeavors.“WhenRubyisgone,wecangobacktothelifewehad.We cangowhereveryouwant...dowhateveryouwanttodo.Ipromise.But fornow,sheisourcharge,andwewillrespectfullyfulfillthatdutyuntil itisnolongerours.Doyouunderstand?”
“Yes,”shegrowledquietly,“butkeepherawayfrommeuntilthat dayisuponus.Ineverwantedanypartinherbeinghere,andnothing yousaywilleverchangethat.Allshedoesisdragusdown—she’sa deathsentence.”
Iretreatedbacktothesafetyofmyroom,trippingonsomething hardandplasticinmyhaste.Afterclimbingbackintobed,Imulledover whatI'dheard,wonderinghowIcouldpossiblymakelifeeasierforthem
—howtomakemyselflessofaburden.Itwaspainfultohearthatyour existencewasnotonlyproblematic
foryourparents,butalsounwanted.
InthatmomentImadeaconsciousdecisiontodowhateverIcouldto lessentheoffensethatmypresencecreated.
Intheweehoursofthemorning,longaftermyparentshadgoneto sleep,Ipulledmyselfoutofbedandcrawledmethodicallyaroundmy room,pickingupthevariousitemsthatlaystrewnaboutit.Iwasfarfrom aneatchild.Inthedarknessofmyworld,Ismiledtomyselfknowingthat surelyatidyroomwouldhelpmyparentsseethatIwasnotatallthe albatrosstheythoughtIwas.Iwouldmakemyselflovabletothem.
Ifonlythatwasallitwouldhavetaken.Theanswerstolifewere alwaysfarsimplertheyoungerIwas,andatseventheywerepositively blackandwhite.NowonderIhadforgottenaboutthatday.
Itwaseasytoseewhy.
Ifeltaroundthefloorfortherogueshoethathadtrippedmeand chuckeditatthedoor,lettingoutascreamasIdid.Ididn'twanttogo backtobeinganyone'sburden―neveragain.Blindnesswasjustanother cage.
*
Cooperdidn'tansweranyofmycalls,whichmeanthe'dlefthis phoneinthecar.Ichuckedmineacrosstheroomoutoffrustration.Iwas goingtohavetowaitnot-so-patientlyforhimtogetitbeforeI'dbe hearingback.Thesituationdidn'tthrillme,butIlackedoptions.Sean wasgone,andIdidn'tseethepointincallinghiminfull-onfreak-out modeaboutsomethinghecouldn'taddressfromoverseas.IdecidedthatI wouldcallhimasalastresort.
Iwasfrustratedwithmysituation,wonderinghow,onceagain,I foundmyselfinavulnerablesituation,needingtheaidofsomeoneelse.
Scarlethadseeminglyabandonedme,leavingmetofendformyself.
Ariannawaslonggone,whichwasreallyforthebest.She'dbeenmy constantcompanionthroughmylife―myhumanlife.Aspainfulasit wastoadmittomyself,itwaslikelybestthatshewasn'taroundme anymore.Shecouldsheltermefrommyparentsandtheharshnessof beingadisabledpersonintherealworld,butmynewrealitywasn'twell suitedtohumans.Shewouldn'thavesurvivedlong.
BeforeIcouldletmymindwandertoofardownroadsbestleft untraveled,Istartedfumblingaroundmyroominanefforttorelocatemy phone.Ittookmeforevertofindit,andevenlongertolocatethevoice commandfunctiononit,butIwasfinallyabletocallGavin.Iwasn't excitedtotellhimaboutmypredicament,buttherewasnoavoidingthat one.Wehadscheduledourmeetingforthatmorning,andIcouldn'tvery wellmakemywaythroughdowntownunaided.Ihadtolethimknowthat ourarrangementneededtochange.
“Ruby?”heasked,soundingoddlycheerful.“I'msurprisedtohear fromyounow.We'remeetinginjustafewhours.Istheresomethingthat couldn'twait?”
“Um,yep.Ithinkyoucouldsaythat,”Ireplied,tryingtoplayit cool.“Somethinghassortacomeup,soIcan'tgetdownthereforour littlemeeting.We'llhavetodoitoverthephone.”
“I'mafraidthatwon'tsuffice.”Hisvoicehadachilltoitthat contrastedwithhisoriginaltone.“Ineedtoseeyouinperson.”
“Well,thatisnolongeranoption,soit'sphoneornothing,”I blustered,hopinghewouldn'tseethroughmybluff.HeknewIwanted answersjustasbadlyashewantedmedownathishouseboatinafew hours.
“Doesithavetodowithwhatwentdownatyourapartmentlast night?I'msogladyouweren'tthereatthetime,thoughnotasgladabout whereyouwereinstead,”hegrowled.“Tellmewhywecan'tmeet.I'll decideifit'sanacceptablereasonornot.”
“I'mafraidthat'sclassified,Gavin.You'renottheonlyonewith informationyou'dprefertokeeptoyourself.”
“Yes,butthedifferencebetweenyouandme,Ruby,isthatI actually havethatsortofinformation.Youdon't.”
“Oh,IthinkIdonow,”IsaidwithanervouslaughasIpannedthe roomwithmynewlyacquiredblur-o-vision.
Icouldhearhimrumblethroughthephoneline.Hewasclearly displeasedwiththesituation.
“Ifyouwon'tcometomethenIwillcometoyou,”hesnarled.“I'll bethereinafewminutes.”
“Nope.Badidea,”Iblurtedout,movingtowardthefrontdoortobe certainitwaslocked.Onmyway,Icrashedintotheottomanthathad clearlybeenmovedfromitsnormalpositionintheroom.Itscolor blendedintothefloortooeasily,andIsoonfoundmyselffalling awkwardlyovertopofit.
“Whatwasthat?”heasked,hisvoicealarmedbutthreatening.
“Whoisthere?What'shappening?”
“Calmdown,”Igroaned,retrievingthephonethathadfallenaway fromme.Gavin'smenacingvoicemadeiteasytofind.“Ijusttrippedon somefurniture.Nobodyishere.”
“Youtripped?Onfurniture?”Hisvoicewasdubioustosaytheleast.
“Howbigwasthis furniturethatyoutrippedon?”
“Um...itwasanottoman.Why?”
“Becauseit'sbroaddaylightoutsideandyoujustmanagedto ambushyourselfwithabenchthesizeofasmallperson.Idon'tbuyit.”
“WhatcanIsay?I'mreallyclumsy.”
“Myassyouare.”Icouldpracticallyhearhimthinkingthroughthe phoneandIdidn'tlikeitatall.GavinquietwasGavinathismost dangerous―muchlikesomeoneelseIknew.WhenIheardthesoundsof trafficandgustsofwindinthereceiver,IknewIwasintrouble.
Hangingupthephone,Iscrambledmostinelegantlytothefront door,feelingmywayuptothelocks.Ifastenedeveryoneofthembefore Ishuffledmywayovertothelargearmchairandpusheditbackto reinforcethedoor.Itwasstupid,really,butIwantedtofeellikeIhad somethingbetweenmeandhim.
Whenthatwasfinished,Ipacedoffmystepsthroughthehall, headingformyroomwhilemyhandtrailedalongthewallforcomfort.It wasapainfullyfamiliargesture.Iwantedtoholeupinmybedroomand praythatIcouldreachsomeoneusefulbeforeGavinarrived.Therewas onlyonepersonlefttocall.
Rememberingthesequenceofmovementstoengagethevoice commands,IfinallyaccesseditandspokeasloudlyandclearlyasIcould intothereceiver,hopingthatmyHailMarywouldwork.
29
“Alan,” Itoldthephone,hopingitwouldrecognizethename.Icouldn't rememberifI'dprogrammedhimintoitornot.Itwasn'tthetimetofind outIhadn't.Ineededadistractionintheworstway,andIfiguredthat AlanwoulddoaswellasanysinceSeanwasoutoftownandCooperwas MIA.
Thephonerangrepeatedlyandmyheartstartedtobeatfaster.After threerings,hisvoicemailkickedinandIblurtedsomethingbarely coherentintoitbeforehangingup.IneededhimtoknowthatIwas distressed.WhenthephonerangonlyafewsecondsafterIhungup,I assumedmytactichadworked―missionaccomplished.
Isearchedforthebuttontoanswerthecall,thenhititand immediatelystartedtalkingintoit.
“Alan...AlanIneedyoutocomehererightaway,it's―”
“NotAlan.”Gavin'svoicewasrichandwarning―hisstandard order.“Ruby.You'regoingtodosomethingformerightnow.”
Icouldhearthesameblowingdistortioninhisreceiver,soIknew hewasstilloutside.Myheartthumpedwildlyanderraticallyinmychest.
Therewasnowayout.
“Ohyeah?”Isnapped,feigningbravery.“What'sthat?”
“Gotoyourbedroomwindow. Now. ”
ThoughIdidn'tenjoyhistoneorattitude,Ididlikethathewasn't tryingtoordermetoopenthedoordownstairs.Ididn'tknowwhatangle hewastryingtowork,butmyoptionswerelimited,soIdecidedtoplay alongandprayedthatIwouldfindawaytobluffthroughwhatevergame hewantedtoplay.Islowlyandcarefullymademywaytothewindow seatinmybedroomandperchedmyselfonit.
“Good,nowIwantyoutolookdownatmeforasecond.”
Itwasan‘ohshit’moment.Hecouldhavebeenanywheredown there,andthoughIcouldmakeoutshapesandobjects,itwasthemiddle ofthedayandpeoplewereeverywhere.Myonlyshotwastotryand locateabodythat wasn'tmoving.WhenIfoundsomeonethatfitthebill, Iputallmya
ttentiononhim,evenputtingonanannoyedfaceforgood measure.
“Done.Youhappynow?”
“No,”herepliedcoolly,“I'mnot.Tellmesomething,Ruby,what amIholdinginmyhand?” Fuck... Myplanhadworkedupuntilthatpoint, butIwassunk,anditseemedlikeIwasn'ttheonlyonewhoknewit either.“Oh,comeonnow,it'snotlikeit'snotobvious.Doyouneed glassesorsomething?”
Ipanicked.
“Orsomething.Maybe.”
Hewassilentforamomentandverystill,standingunderthesame streetlampthattheRevhadmonthsearlier.Itwasanunsettlingthought.
“Soit'shappening...,”hesaidcryptically.Itwasn'taquestion.
“What'shappening?”Iasked,feelingarollingsensationinmy stomach.
“Ifearedthiswouldcometopass,”hecontinuedasifIhadn'tsaida word.
“What? Whatwouldcometopass,Gavin?What'sgoingon?”
“I'mcomingup,”heinformedmeashestartedacrossthestreet.
“Andyou willletmein.”
“No.No,Iwon'tuntilyoutellmewhatthefuckitisthat'sgoingon
—rightnow!”
Hisblurrysilhouettestoppedjustinfrontoftheparkedcarsalong mysideoftheroad.Iknewhewaslookingupatme,butIstillcould makeoutnexttonothing.
“You'regoingblind,Ruby,”herepliedflatly.“Justlikebefore.”
Idroppedthephonetothefloor.
OnesentenceconfirmedwhatIfearedmost:thatthesolereasonI’d gainedmysightwasbecauseofScarlet'spresenceandthathercontinued absencemayleadtoitsdisappearance,andthatGavinknewfarmorethan Ihadeverbeguntobargainfor.Icouldhearhimstilltalkingonthe phone,butmymindwasnumb.AllIcouldmanagetodowasstareout thewindowathisblurrysilhouetteandwatchasheclosedthelastfew yardstotheexteriordoor.
Hehadnearlyarrivedwhenacarcameflyingupthestreetand screechedintoadouble-parkedpositionoutsidemyplace.Someone jumpedoutandboltedtowardmyapartmentdoor.Myintercomlitup secondslater.