“Everything'sfine,”Ioffered,trippingovermyownfeetasIwalked towardhim.Iwasbeyonddrunk,andmyvisionseemedtosufferbecause ofit.“Wewerejustwatchingsomesoccer. Football!Imeanfootball,”I slurred,stumblingovertheemptiespiledonthefloor.Theyscatteredlike bowlingpinsafterastrike,andItriumphantlythrewmyarmsupand cheeredasifI'djustbowledone.Cooperwasnotamused.
“You'redrunk,”herumbled,flexinghishands.
“Yes.Yes,Iam,butit'scool.Everything'scool,Cooper.Look!We havefood!Whydon'tyouc'moninandhavesome,”Isaid,grabbinghis armtousherhimin.Hedidn'tbudge.“There'sbeertoo.”
“Itdoesn'tlookliketherecouldpossiblybeanyleft.”
“It'sinthefridge.I'llgogetyou―”
“Don't.Move,”hesnarled,hiseyespinnedontheboys.“Whyare youthreeinhere?I'mcertainItoldyouthatyouwerenevertobeinhere withoutmepresent.WasInotclear?ShallImakemyselfclear?”
“Wearrivedandwaitedforyouupstairs,butwhenyoudidn'treturn, wedecidedtocomedownandseeifwecouldwatchthegame.Maybeeat dinner,”Jannerrepliedweakly,hopingtodiffusemytightlywoundalpha.
“AndisthatwhatI toldyoutodo?No.Itisn't.Itoldyoutowaitfor meifyouarrivedherefirst.Itwasn'tarequest.”
Alistairstirreduncomfortably,clearlywantingtosaysomething andknowingitmightbemoretohisadvantagetokeepquietinstead.
Coopereyedhimwildly.
“Somethingyou'dliketoadd,Alice?”
“Iwashungry.IthoughtitmightbenicetohavedinnerwithRuby.
Togettoknowhermore.”
Coopersnapped.
“I'lldecidewhenyoueat,shit,andsocialize,isthatclear?”He'd closedthedistancebetweenhimselfandtheminablur,anditmademy headdizzy.“Sheisnotyourstogettoknow,understood?”
“She'snotyourseither,”Alistairmutteredunderhisbreath.
Fueltothefire.
“Sheismine,makenomistakeaboutthat.Sheismyfamily,my friend―mypack.Anyharmthatbefallsherwillbeavengedsoruthlessly thatSatanhimselfwillturnawayfromthebrutality.”HepulledAlistair closer,sothattheirnoseswerenearlytouching,hiseyesburningthrough theyoungwolf.“Do.Not.Touch.Her. Ever.”
Alistairdidn'tstruggle.Hisboyslookedon,clearlydebatingtheir nextmove.Idon'tthinktheywantedtochallengeCooper,butIcouldfeel thattheydidn'twanttostandidlybyandwatchtheirfriend―their brother―bekilled.Ididn'twanttowatchthateither.
“Cooper,”Icalled,emanatingwhatevercalmingvibesIcouldgiven howworkedupIwas.I'dneverseenhimsovicious.Hisever-evolving personawastakingonevenmoreofSean'squalities.Aswasoftenthe case,thatwasnotthetimetopointthemout.“IgotyourmessageafterI'd letthemin.It'smyfaultreally.Ishouldn'thaveignoredit,buttheywere alreadywatchingthegameandwewereorderingfood.Itwas... fun. I haven'thadthatinalongtime.”
Hewouldn'tturntofaceme,stillboringholesthroughAlistair's facewithhisgaze.Ididfeelhishostilitywavereversoslightlythough, soIkepttalking.
“Please,Coop.Lethimgo.Hedidn'tmeananythingbyit.Iknow whatit'sliketohaveamouththatgetsyouintotrouble.”
Hisyelloweyesfinallyturnedtoburnthroughme.Hedropped Alistairontothecouchlikearagdollbeforestalkingtowardsme.
“Youmaytrustthem,Ruby,butI'mfarlessconvinced.”
“Thenwhydidyoutakesolongtogethomeifyouwereso worried?”Iasked,tryingtofindfaultinhislogic.
“IwasdetainedbyPortsmouth'sfinest,”hegrumbled.“Apparently, theydon'tenjoybeingignoredorchallenged.”
“Whatdidyoudo,Cooper?”
“Iwastryingtoreachyouwhilethereportswerebeingfiledbythe officeronthescene.Hedidn'tlikemylackoffocusandtriedtotakemy phoneaway,”hesaid,clenchinghisjaw.“...Iprotested.”
Icringed.
“Badcall,Coop.Whatwereyouthinking?”
Helookedaroundtheroomtheatricallythengavemehis'Icould askyouthesamething'face.
“IwasthinkingthatIneededtoprotectyou,that'swhatIwas thinking.”
“Soyou'vebeenin jailthiswholetime?”Iaskedincredulously.
“Notthewholetime.”
“Well,howdidyoumanagetotalkyourwayoutofcharges?”
“Ididn't,”herepliedflatly.“I'mgoingtohavetosendAlanafruit basketorsomething.”
Iexhaledheavily.
“ThankGodhewasthere.Cooper,youcouldhavebeeninreal trouble!”
“Andyoucouldhavebeeninworse,”heshouted,snappingalook overattheboys.“Youthree.Out!Now!”
Withoutskippingabeat,theyfiledoutlikegoodlittlesoldiers, makingtheirwayupstairs.MyheartsankasAligavemeasadglance overhisshoulderbeforeclosingthedoorbehindhim.Theairwasfullof tension,sadness,andlonging.Thosethreehadbeendisplaced,forced fromtheonlyfamilythey'dknown.Cooperhadeveryrightnottotrust them,andIknewhewasgoingoutonalimbformeinlettingthemstay temporarily,butIjustcouldn'twritethemoff.Theyweregrowingonme.
TheyjustwantedtobelongandIknewalltoowellwhatthatfeltlike.
Iwastheirtickettoanewlife.Itmadenosenseforthemto squanderit.
Cooperfollowedthemout,hoveringmomentarilyatthedoor.
“Gotothebathroomandmakeyourselfthrowup.Ineedyousober.”
Hiswordswerenotarequest,butanorder.“I'mgoingtogohaveachat withthosethree.”
“Cooper...”
“Iwon'thurtthem,Ruby,butwe'renotinapositiontohavearepeat performanceoftonightanytimesoon.Groundrulesaregoingtobelaid.
Soaretheconsequencesforbreakingthem.”
“Didyousecurethatrental?”Iasked,wantingtochangethesubject.
“No,butI'mgettingtothepointthatIdon'tcarehowsuitablethe conditionsare.Theyneedtogo,Ruby.Thesoonerthebetter.”
21
Thenextday,Ileftearlytoheaddowntotheshop.Iwasbeyondoutof touchwiththebooks,andIneededtoremedytheproblemASAP.Cooper walkedmeoutonhiswaydowntothecollege.Sincehe'ddroppedhis classesaftermydisappearance,hewasgoingtoseeiftherewasanyway forhimtore-enterthenextsemester.Neitherofuswasoverlyhopeful, butitwasworthashot.Heneededapositivedistractioninhislife, howeversmallitmightbe.
“I'llbebackinanhourorso,”hetoldmewithasomewhatstern lookonhisface.“Sean'sgoteyesontheforeigners,andthosethreeare underdirectorderstoavoidyou.DoIneedtoorderyoutostayaway fromthemtoo?”
Ishothimmybest'really?'face.WhenIwasmetwithanalltoo familiar'answerthefuckingquestion'expression,Iverbalizedmy response.
“No,Cooper.Youdon'tneedtogoallAlphaMcBossypantsonme.I getit.They'repersonaenongratae.”
Hescrunchedhisfaceupatmelikehe'djustsmelledsomething awful.
“Thatdidn'tsoundrightatall.”
“It'scorrect.Don'thurtyourselfoverit.”
“Butisn'titpersonanon―”
“Whatever,grump.JustdoasIsaid,please.Theboysaretoremain upstairsuntilIreturn.Idon'twanttohearotherwise.”
“Fine.”
“Good.”
Westaredateachothersilentlyforamomentbeforeanimpish smilebrokeacrosshisface.
“Imissourtalks,”hesaid,turningtowalkdowntothecampus.My carwasinconvenientlyintheshopthankstohismaddrivingskills,sohe hadfeet-onlytransportationforthenextfewdays.Imadehimleavethe NavigatorathomebecauseIrefusedtobeleftw
ithoutacarincaseof emergencies.IwonderedifIcouldbumyetanothervehicleoffofSean.
“ImissmyTT,”Iretorted.“Don'tthinkthat'swaterunderthe bridge,myfriend.”
“Withyou,Rubes,itneveris.”
HeroundedthecornerbeforeIcouldreply,leavingmetostewand laugh.Itwasunnervinghowhecouldgetundermyskinandstillbe charming.Thattraitclearlyhadn'tdisappearedinourtimetogether.
Withasigh,Iunlockedthestoreandheadedin.Ishiveredabit,a gustofwindusheringmethroughthedoor,chillingmeslightly.The weathercontinuedtobeunseasonablyfrigid,andIforgottodress appropriatelyforit.Ajacketwouldhavebeenawelcomeadditiontomy ensemble.
Seekingrefugefromtheblusteryweatheroutside,Iquicklyfound thatthetemperatureinsidemyshopwasnotmuchofanimprovement.
Anearlywinterwasahighlyinconvenienttimetoexperienceafurnace meltdown.Especiallywhenthemalemostlikelytofixtheproblemhad justwalkedintotown,leavingmetodealwithitalone.
Iletoutanenormousbreathoffrustration,lipsflappingloudlywith thegesture.Iknewnothingaboutfurnacesorhowtooperatethem,butI knewIhadtoatleastcheckthesituationoutbeforeIcalledCooperora professionaltocomeoutandserviceit.Ididn'twanttofindoutthatonly thepilotlightwasout―Cooperwouldneverhaveletmeheartheendof it.I'dalsobeleftwithaheftybillandanevenheftierblowtomyself-esteem.
Ittookawhiletohuntdownaflashlight,butadmittedlythathad moretodowithmygrowingdiscomfortoverthetaskaheadratherthan theflashlight'selusivenature.Basementshadneveraffectedmegrowing upasI'dheardtheydidothers.Darknesswasdarknesstome—
experiencingitbelowgrounddidn'tchangeanything.Utah,however,had changedallthatforme.Havingtogodownintothecramped,dirty crawlspacebroughtforthanxietiesthatIstillstruggledwithoneyear afterthefact.Iwantedtotucktailandrunbacktotheapartment,butI justcouldn't—formyriadreasons.
I'dspentmonthsignoring,avoiding,anddenyingthatIhadissuesas aresultofmyconfinement.I'dalsospentthousandsontherapyand frequentedallkindsofsupportgroups,noneofwhichwereespecially helpfulgivenmyinabilitytotrulysharemyexperience.Ireallycouldn't admitwhathadhappenedtome,giventhesupernaturalcomponentsof thestory.Myattackshadbeenbothbrutalandscarring,andthoughthose scarswerestartingtohealwiththeloveandsupportofthosearoundme, mykidnappingandincarcerationstillhauntedmebothdayandnight.I stillhadn'tadmittedtomyselforanyoneelsethatIwasavictimofsexual violence.IfIdidn'tbeginpushingmyselftofacemyfearsandmoveon withlife,wouldIspendtherestofmyliferunningfrommypast?
“No,”Isaidaloudtomyself.“Nomore.”
WithmyMagliteclutchedtightlyinhand,Itriedmybesttoignore myshakingthatwasamplifiedbytherattlingoftheboxofmatchesI held.Imademywayintotheworkshopandquicklyfoundthewall switch.Ihadhighhopesthatitslightwouldcarrydownthenarrow stairwelltothecrawlspace-likebasementbelow,butthatprovedwishful thinking.AfterImovedtheboxesofwhatnotthatwereblockingtheway, Iturnedtheknobandopenedthedoortoadampandmustysmell.Itsent shockwavesdownmyspine,andIbrokeoutinafull-bodysweatinthe blinkofaneye.
Staringdownintotheabyssbelow,IforcedtheairIneededintoand outofmylungswhileIstrangledtheflashlightinmyhand.Onestepata time,withamantraofaffirmationplayingonaloopinmymindandmy hand-heldlifelineilluminatingmypath,Imademywaytothebasement.
Itwasnearlyimpossibletostandfullyuprightwiththeceilingsolowand thedirtfloorsouneven,soIhunchedoverandduckedmyheadasImade mywaytomydestination.JustbeforeIreachedthefurnace,amouse skitteredacrossthefloorinfrontofme.Iscreechedandjumped backward,crackingthebackofmyheadonthefloorjoistbehindmeand spillingmymatcheseverywhere.
“FUCK!”IscreamedinfrustrationwithmyselfasIrubbedthe throbbingmasstobesureitwasn'tbleeding.Theangerwashelpful, overridingmyfeartemporarily.Istormedthefurnace,slappingtheside ofitwithmyopenpalmbeforeattemptingtoprocureamatchortwojust incaseIdidneedtolightthepilot.OnceIhadahandfulofthemandthe boxtostrikethemagainst,Icroucheddowninfrontofthemassofmetal andlookedaroundforanysourceofflamewithinit.
Ifoundnone.
“Well,atleastthiswillbeacheapfix,”Imutteredundermybreath, placingtheflashlightdownonthegroundbesideme,aimedprecariously atthefurnace.
Surprisingly,itwaseasierthanIthoughttofindwhatneededtobe lit.Therewerealsoconvenientinstructionsadheredtothesideofthebox thatdetailedtheprocessinfull,alludingtothefactthatanymoron shouldbeabletodoitwithoutissue.Iwasabouttotesttheveracityof thatclaim.
IsnatchedupthematchboxandoneofthefivestraymatchesI'd collectedandpreparedtoconquernotonlymyfearsthatday,butthe furnacetoo.Thesulfursmellassaultedmynoseasthefirstmatchflared tolife.Ihopedthepilotlightwouldfollowsuit.
AsIleanedforwardinanattempttosolvetheheatingcrisis,the flashlightcompletelycrappedoutonme,leavingmewithonlythematch asalightsource.IscrambledtocollecttheothersbeforetheoneIhad burnedout,notwantingtobealoneinthedarkforasecondlongerthan necessary.JustasIcorralledthemnexttomyknee,theinevitable occurredandmymatch—directlyafterburningmyfingers―felltothe groundandsnuffeditselfout.
“Dammit!”Isnarled,slammingmyhandintotheancientmetalbox besideme.IfeltlikeitwastauntingmewhileIfumbledwithmyshaking handstogetanothermatchlit.
One.
Two.
Onebyonetheysparkedandfizzledasiftheywereametaphorfor myhopesatthatmoment.
Lastone...
Icalmedmybreathing,knowingthatmyviolentexhalation,with whichIwasattemptingtostaveoffmypanic,hadblownouttwoofthe lastthreematches.Whisperingaprayerforhelp,Iquicklydrewthelittle woodenstickalongthesideofthebox.Istifledasquealwhenitsflame stayedalight—butnotforlong.AsIliftedthematchuptoilluminatethe tinyplaceonthefurnaceIneededtoputit,Iwasmetwithsomethingelse entirely—aface.
Myscreamssnuffedouttheflame.
22
Iscrambledbackward,scurryingalongthepacked-dirtfloorinhopesof gettingsomespacebetweenmeandtheownerofthestonegrayeyesthat wereetchedintomymind.
“Ruby,”hecalledouttome.“Love,I'venotcometohurtyou...I heardacrashdownhere.Iwantedtoseethatyouwereokay.”
RightasIslammedintothestonefoundationofthefarwall,Iheard thesizzleofamatchlighting.Beckettkneltbeforethefurnace,lookinga crossbetweenbewilderedandamused.Iwasneither—scaredshitless cametomind.
“Doallwerewolvesskulkabout,ordoanyofyouactuallyannounce yourpresencebeforeenteringaroom—ordeath-inspiringbasement,as thecasemaybe?”Mytonewascrispandcurt,butitwasamaskforthe absoluteterrorIfeltrisingupfromwhereI'dlongagostuffedit.
Anditwasn'tgoingtocomeoutpretty.
“Itoldyou,”hesaid,leaningintocoaxthepilotlighttolife,“I heardyou.Ithoughtyoumightneedmyhelp.”
“Aren'tyoujustaknightinshiningarmortoday?Where'syour steed?Your sword?”IaskedascondescendinglyaspossiblewhileI attemptedtostrategicallymovearoundhim.“I'mnodamselindistress, Beckett.Ihadthisallsortedoutuntilyoujust poofedyourselfinhereand gavemeaheartattack.”ThepathIchosehadthewidestberthpossible.
Everythingaboutthesituationmademeuneasy,andIwantedtogetout ofthere.Like yesterday.
Thelightwasflickeringwildly,anditwasapparentthatitwas abouttoburnout.Ididn'twanttobeanywherebelowgroundlevelwhen thathappened.Notcaringabouttheimplic
ations,Iturnedandboltedfor thestairs,whichwaschallenginggiventhatIcouldn'tstandupstraight.
Iheardhimbiteoutafewchoiceswearsunderhisbreathbehindme ashisfootstepsapproached.Knowingthathehadbeentheonetosackme inMaine,itwasn'tmyfondestcaseofdéjàvu.JustasIpassedthe halfwaypointuptofreedom,Itrippedonthestairs.
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”heasked,hisaccentthickeningwithhis frustration.“It'slikeyou'vegonebloodymadallofasudden!Areyouall right?”
“Listen,youshouldn'tbedownhere.Youneedtogetupstairs,”Ibit out.
“Ruby―”
“Imeanit!”Iscreamed,wheelingonhimonceIcrestedthetopof thestairs.“Youdon'tknowanythingaboutme,Beckett.Whatyoujust did...”
Icutoffmywordsbeforelettingthemescape.Hedidn'tdeservethe tongue-lashingIwaspreparedtogivehim.Hehadn'tharmedme,touched me,ordoneanythinguntowardatall.Withalittlebreathingroom betweenus,Irealizedthatallhe'dactuallydonewashelpme.BeforeI hadachancetoexplainmyreaction,amanwhowasonlyvaguely familiartomecamecrashingthroughtheworkroomdoor,armedtothe teethandreadytothrowdown.
“Ruby,”hecalledwhileeyeingBecketttightly.“Goupstairs, please.”
“No.Ithinkthere'sabitofamisunderstandinghere,”Ireplied, movinginfrontofBeckett.
“Iwastoldthattheyweretogonowherenearyou.”Histonewas flatandbusiness-like;hewasPCforsure.“Heiswhereheshouldn'tbe.
Thereisapriceforthat.”
“That'smyfault.Iwastryingtofixthefurnaceandcouldn'tgetitto work.IcalledBecketttocomedownandhelpme.Heknewthe rules―knewthathewasn'tsupposedtobearoundmealone—butIstarted tomeltdownsoheplacatedme.I'mthereasonhe'shere.Heshouldn't havetopayformyineptitude.”
“Ihaveorders,”hesaid,movingtowardus.
“Fromwho?Sean?”Iasked,seeingapotentialoutforour predicament.ItwasacardIreallyloathedplaying,butdesperatetimes calledfordesperatemeasures.Beingthebitchygirlfriendwasdefinitelya desperatemove.“Letmeexplainsomethingtoyou.Seanwantsme happy,endofstory.IfyoukillBeckett,Iwon'tbehappy,whichwill makeSeanunhappyintheprocess.I'veseenwhenSeanisunhappy;it's notespeciallypleasant.Doyouwantthatragerainingdownonyou?I surewouldn't.I'vebeenthereonce.Idon'trecommendtheexperience.