How to Save the Universe in Ten Easy Steps
Allison Rushby
First published in 2014
Copyright © Allison Rushby, 2014
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or ten per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.
Allen & Unwin
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.allenandunwin.com
A Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available from the National Library of Australia – www.trove.nla.gov.au
ISBN 978 1 74331 900 0
eISBN 978 1 74343 708 7
Cover design by Martin Chatterton
Cover and internal illustrations by Martin Chatterton
Text design by Peter Guo/LetterSpaced
Set in Avenir 35 Light 12/20pt
Part openers set in Coop Bold © House Industries
zAlien typeface (dinkus) by Daniel Hochard
CHAPTER 1
‘What do you think, Cooper?’ My mum bites her lip. She doesn’t look too sure about her new creation. She tilts the box slightly so I can get a better look.
I take a step closer. ‘It’s disgusting,’ I say. ‘Brilliant.’
She grins back at me.
‘That truly is disgusting.’ My sister Molly appears at my side and stares at my birthday cake in silence for a moment or two. It sits in a large, flat, plastic box. A plastic scoop rests on top.
I shoot my sister a look. ‘We want it to look disgusting, remember?’
‘Why would you want to eat something that looks like kitty litter?’ She gives me her favourite you’ve-got-to-be-insane glare.
‘Because it’s fun. It’s different. It’s so cool it’s frosty.’ I turn back to the cake. The chocolate-coated liquorice on top (shaped like a you-know-what) look, awesome.
‘Eating your own waste is not cool,’ Molly informs me. ‘Did you know that—’
Molly likes to start a lot of sentences with the words, ‘Did you know that’. Now, I butt in before she can go any further. I make a loud noise like a siren. ‘Calling all units, calling all units …’
Beside me, Molly wrinkles her nose. ‘Really, Cooper? The fun police thing. Again?’
Whatever. I don’t care what Molly thinks. She doesn’t eat things like cake anyway. According to her, cake isn’t even proper food. Apparently it’s full of something she likes to call ‘empty calories’. Seriously. Anyone with half a brain could see the kitty-litter cake rocks. I bet it’ll taste great, too.
‘Suit yourself,’ Molly finally says, shaking her head. ‘Just remember that …’ Molly also likes to start a lot of sentences with ‘Just remember that’. But this time she stops suddenly. She stares off into space, kind of like she’s listening to something. Then, just like that, she walks away, not even bothering to finish her sentence.
I watch her until she turns into the hallway and is out of sight.
That girl is weird. And, lately, she’s been behaving even more strangely, if that’s possible.
Sometimes I can’t believe we’re related, let alone twins.
Mum doesn’t notice Molly being weird. She sets the box back down on the kitchen bench, then she gets busy counting things off on her fingers. ‘I’ve finished the boogers on a stick. I’ve finished the strained eyeballs and brain-cell salad. We just have to get the ingredients for “make your own mucus” and we’re set. Dad can buy everything for the hot dogs tomorrow morning. And I’ll make the pond slime just before everyone arrives.’
‘Pond slime?’ I say.
‘Think lemonade, with a few food colouring adjustments.’
(In case none of this makes any sense, I’m having a gross-out tenth birthday party tomorrow.)
Mum wipes her hands on a tea towel. She looks thoughtful. ‘I’m a bit worried about Molly.’ She glances up the hallway. ‘No party again this year. Who doesn’t like parties?’
The answer to that one is easy. ‘Molly,’ I say.
‘She doesn’t even want to go out for dinner,’ Mum sighs.
I think about explaining why this doesn’t mean very much. After all, there’s only one place to go out for dinner in Peregrination, population 203. You can choose from Indian, fish and chips, Chinese, Japanese and Italian. At the same restaurant. Not that what you order makes any difference, because crazy Mr Gregory will often give you whatever he feels like cooking anyway. Still, he has enough sense to always give Mum her sushi. She’s crazy for anything and everything Japanese. Fish and chips when she’d ordered sushi wouldn’t go down well with her.
‘You’d think she’d want to do something to celebrate her birthday.’ Mum focuses in on me. ‘Maybe you could talk to her?’ She lowers her voice. ‘To see if anything’s going on.’
I shrug.
‘I’m taking Jack for a walk.’ Molly has put on her sneakers and a cap and is carrying our golden retriever’s lead.
Mum gives me a pointed look. ‘Don’t you want to go too, Cooper?’
Er, no. It’s pretty much the last thing I want to do. But I know from her tone that I can’t get out of this one. ‘If I say yes, can I go to Ethan’s afterwards?’ I bargain. As the words leave my mouth, I congratulate myself on my brilliant strategic manoeuvring.
‘As long as you’re home in time for dinner.’
‘Okay. It’s five twenty-three now. So, in an hour or so?’
‘That’s fine,’ Mum says, giving me a strange look.
I realise I’d forgotten to look at my watch, or the clock, before I blurted out the time. Again. I know it’s weird that my body somehow always knows the exact time, but I can’t help it. It’s just … obvious to me. It always has been. And when I say exact, I mean exact. I’m like the speaking clock. There’s even this sort of ‘beep’ noise that goes off in my head. As in, ‘at the third stroke, the time will be five twenty-three and ten seconds’. And it happens in other ways, too. For example, I can tell exactly how long it will take to drive, or ride somewhere, with twenty different outcomes depending on whether there’s other cars around, traffic lights, whether I’m riding and talking to someone else as we go, and so on. Not that I tell anyone any of this. I’m smart enough to realise that when someone asks you how long it takes you to ride to school, they totally don’t want to hear twenty different answers. Hang on … I was supposed to be answering someone, wasn’t I? ‘Um, then, yes. I would love to take Jack for a walk with you, Molly.’
Molly simply gives me a withering look and I can tell she’s noticed the watch thing as well. ‘I didn’t invite you. But come if you must,’ she says.
CHAPTER 2
Molly and I walk out through the kitchen and start down the hall. Molly walks in front of me and, as we go, I know I’m not going to be able to help myself. As we pass by the crack in the wall, just before my bedroom, I flick out a finger to touch the gap in the plaster. Molly doesn’t miss a beat. ‘Must you?’ she says, not even turning around. I just shrug. When it comes to the crack in the wall, I really can’t help myself. It’s like … a lucky crack. If I don’t touch it each time I go past, something bad will happen. Or the world will end. Or something. Well, maybe the world w
on’t end, but you know what I mean. Dad’s been saying forever that he’ll fix it, but of course he never does.
We push open the screen door and make our way onto the front verandah. I’m just about to yell for Jack when I see him. He’s waiting for us at the bottom of the steps. ‘It’s weird how he always knows.’ I look over at Molly.
‘If you say so,’ she says, running down the three wooden steps. She stops to clip Jack’s lead onto his collar.
‘Do you have to disagree with everything I say?’ I ask her. I stamp down the steps. I’m not exactly looking forward to this walk.
Molly thinks about my question. ‘No,’ she says as she stands up again.
‘Is that a joke?’
‘No.’
The thing is, I know she’s not joking. Molly doesn’t do jokes. Ever. ‘Come on, let’s get this over and done with.’ I remember my promise to Mum. I have to talk to Molly and see if anything is wrong. And then I can ditch her and go to Ethan’s.
Siblings. They’re so … time-consuming.
‘Fine with me.’ She shrugs and makes her way across the front yard. Then she turns left. She starts off down the side of the main road of our small, dusty country town.
As per usual, Molly walks fast. I have to run a bit to catch up with her. After about five minutes, I decide it’s time to try the talking thing. ‘So, is anything wrong?’ I ask her, puffing a bit.
‘You need to exercise more.’ She frowns at me. ‘I can’t believe our parents own the town swimming pool and you still don’t get enough exercise.’
‘I didn’t know I was supposed to be a walking billboard.’
‘Anyway, why would anything be wrong? What do you mean by that?’ She glances sharply at me.
Yep, definitely weirder than usual. ‘I don’t know,’ I say, slowly, thinking about this. ‘I was just checking.’
‘There’s something I need to talk to you about,’ she says suddenly. She stops, turning to face me. ‘So, I’m afraid I have some news for you. There’s probably no good way to tell you, so I’ll just go ahead and say it.’
I stare at her blankly. Molly has always been sort of blunt and stuff. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen her hesitate. She’s also stopped dead in her tracks, which is odd as well. Molly is always moving. She’s never still. ‘News?’ I say, ‘Like what? Is someone sick? Who can’t come to my party?’
Molly’s mouth twists slightly. ‘No, it’s not that. It’s that … one day you’ll have to save the universe. I’m not your twin. I’m what you’d call an alien who was sent to protect you from birth. As of fifteen minutes ago, a certain pair of bounty hunters have finally located your whereabouts. Soon, they’ll start closing in. My job here is to do whatever it takes to keep you safe.’
CHAPTER 3
Silence.
Oh, except for Jack, who looks up at Molly and barks, like he’s adding something to what she’s just said.
Molly gives him a stern look. ‘No,’ she says. ‘Not yet.’
I glance down at him as I try to take in what she’s just said. ‘Sure, okay. Whatever you say. I take it Jack’s in on this, too, then?’
‘Yes, he is “in on it” as you like to put it,’ Molly answers evenly. ‘Jack is my companion.’
I snort. This is too much. Right there by the side of the road I start laughing, really laughing. I laugh so hard I even do that thing where you slap your legs. I laugh until the birds get fed up and fly off the wires overhead. I laugh until Jack gets fed up and lies on the ground with one of those ‘I’m a dog who’s had enough’ noises. He puts his head on his paws and his floppy golden ears trail in the dust.
Meanwhile, Molly waits.
When I’m finally done, I take a deep breath. ‘Seriously. You don’t need to get me anything else for my birthday. That was more than enough.’
‘Fine. That works for me.’
I pause, loving that Molly is still playing along. This so isn’t her – she’s not usually into practical jokes. She’s not usually into any sort of jokes. I check around me for the camera crew. Maybe we’re on one of those hidden camera shows? How awesome would that be? I look down the road – nothing. Not a car or person in sight. Then I look the other way. In the distance, I can see Mrs Tippler, our town’s oldest resident, on her mobility scooter. But that’s it. Nothing else of interest.
Next to us, however, is a large tree. I guess they must have hidden the camera in there somehow.
This is fantastic! I can’t believe I’m going to be on TV. Wait till I tell everyone at school. But, for now, I remind myself to keep cool and play along. People always look like such idiots on those shows – I need to be careful here.
I grin at my sister. ‘So, tell me about my special powers.’
Molly frowns. ‘You don’t have any special powers. You’re human.’
‘But I must have. I must be, like … I don’t know … Superman, or something. And Jack is my Wonderdog.’
‘Trust me, you’re nothing like Superman and Jack is no Wonderdog.’
Again, Jack barks.
I frown. Interesting timing there.
Molly continues. ‘However, if you’d like to start wearing your underwear outside your clothes, I’ll completely support your wish to embarrass yourself.’
I roll my eyes. ‘So, maybe I’m like Spider-man, then? Should I watch out for radioactive spiders?’
‘If you like.’
This isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be. I sigh. If Molly’s going to play a practical joke, she should at least put some effort in. ‘Let’s get this straight. I’m human, you’re alien.’
Molly nods.
‘And what, this is just your human form? So you can protect me from these … bounty hunters?’
She nods again.
‘You couldn’t do any better than that? Really?’
‘Hilarious as ever,’ Molly answers.
‘Look, your story doesn’t even make sense. You’re meant to be protecting me, right? I wasn’t even going to come with you on this walk. I’d still be at home if you’d had your way.’
‘No,’ Molly says calmly. ‘You were always going to come. I gave you the idea that you could go to Ethan’s afterwards.’
I snort. ‘Sure. You implanted it in my brain. Because I couldn’t come up with the idea of going to Ethan’s by myself.’
‘Cooper, to be truthful, every day I’m amazed with what you can’t come up with. Even you were surprised that you came up with that idea. So much for your “brilliant strategic manoeuvring”.’
I frown. Did I say those words out loud? I guess I must have. ‘All right, then. So if you’re some kind of alien, what do you really look like?’
I’m getting ready for Molly to launch into some lame description of a little green alien with goggly eyes and a huge head when a sort of … image pops up in my mind wiping out all of those thoughts instantly. It isn’t like anything I’ve ever seen before. It’s kind of light and bright and all around me – circling me. Somehow I know it’s Molly, even though it isn’t anything solid. It doesn’t have a face, or a body, but it’s definitely Molly-ish, because it has that same big-time cranky feel. Then, just as fast as the image appeared in my head, it’s gone. I squint up at the sky, which is clear and purple with black streaks today – a perfectly normal day. It’s still bright, even though the first sun, the largest one, has already set. I should have brought a hat, I guess.
‘That’s my true form,’ Molly says. ‘My people are … well, think of us as a United Nations–like organisation. But universal. And effective.’
‘What? You’re saying you did that?’ I stop looking at the sky. ‘That’s a good trick. You’ll have to tell me how it works. You know, after the cameras come out.’
‘Cameras?’ Molly looks confused, but then she waves my comment away with one hand. ‘Cooper, we need to keep moving. It’s not safe to stay out here in the open for too long. Not anymore. I’ll walk you to Ethan’s.’
CHAPTER 4
I pause, my hand on Ethan’s fence. ‘You’ve got stamina, I’ll give you that much.’
‘Stamina?’
‘I mean, you haven’t cracked yet. You haven’t burst out laughing, or strayed from your story or anything. That’s pretty good going, for a girl. Oh, sorry. I mean alien.’
At my feet, Jack barks again. I look down at his big brown eyes, staring up at me. As we stare at each other, a couple of random things pop into my head. Like how Dad had bought him the day Molly and I were born. Apparently Dad was driving home from the hospital when he saw a sign saying ‘Dog for sale’. He immediately pulled over – he said he’d just had to, that it was as if someone else was controlling the wheel – and five minutes later he was the proud owner of Jack.
The weird thing was, Dad didn’t want a dog. He’s allergic to dogs. But he wasn’t allergic to Jack.
There were more weird things about Jack. For example, he was ten now. But he looked and acted exactly the same as he did when Dad bought him. And then there was the time he cut his leg badly and it healed up within twenty-four hours. Or the time that … ‘Hey, where are you going?’ I turn to see Molly opening Ethan’s gate.
‘Into Ethan’s house,’ Molly says. ‘I thought that was the plan?’
‘Er, no. I don’t think so. Since when do you come with me to Ethan’s?’
Molly stares at me as if I’m stupid. ‘Didn’t you hear me before? From today. The bounty hunters will be coming. Anytime now. And it’s my job to protect you.’
Okay, I’m getting bored with the alien thing now. ‘Yeah, right,’ I tell her. ‘You and whose army?’
‘There is no army. As far as you’re concerned there’s only me. Oh, and a bunch of people in the universe who want you dead.’
Jack barks yet again.
‘Sorry, Jack,’ Molly bends down to touch him on the head. ‘You know what I mean. I guess you’re kind of like my army.’
