but that won't change anything.
It'll still be the same
long days....long nights...
And you
we talk we laugh we feel happy and
I miss you
I know you do
I don't know if sorry is the word
maybe it is
I created all this ruckus
But it was never on purpose
I wanted to party
celebrate my success
to tell you that you cleared too
and it never happened
and it all ends the same way
helplessness
Nishant Rawlley
*****
A Tale of a City and a Heart
It happened in the town of Delhi
For once, a naive little fellow stepped in,
Striving by the day
Living the transition
Transition from walking to running
Running without a moment to look back
And soon the city embraced him too..
Or so he felt,
He had someone to rest back upon
Until when, the someone stepped back
Yes he was falling,
But He had his plans too..
Somebody opened her arms just in time,
And he was caught...
Embraced and never allowed to fall,
The city was his again
he had a home now
And somebody waiting back home...
But the good times weren't all their to stay
For the nth time in his life,
Times changed, People changed, Life changed..
People whom he thought would die than give up on him.
A faith of thirty full moons,
And then one day,
It all came down the slide,
Probably, a bit too fast
The home was snatched
The city again an alien enemy,
But he managed to stand again,
Slowly, painfully, tears up to the brim
And then he smiled,
Took life in his face,
Breathed the air around him
Alone
Opened his eyes to life
Laughing to his own jokes,
And not regretting it..
Being solo
And not regretting it
It was different,
He was meeting a person he never met before, himself
Finding within himself what he sought from people,
Giving wings to his own desires,
Seeing and believing the life he wanted for himself
And for once, he smiled
For he owned the city now..
Nishant Rawlley
The Unsaid Tale
Sitting alone tonight in my four walls
Like the moon, too distant really from the stars
The room dimly lit
I do wish to say something
But, words escape me
Questions instead
I know not what exactly is
That I feel
Cursing god, Questioning God
The mind too smogged
For me to even know the truth
The pain, too deep sunken
For redemption
Questions, too futile
Guilt, for the mistakes
That never happened
Tears, for the past long bygone
Not a soul to understand what I feel
Neither do I
Laughing a bit too hard
Crying harder
Questioning every moment going by
Waiting for the tides to settle,
Will they ever? Will they?
Trying to lose myself
Trying to get a hold
Trying to find meanings
Every solitary night is a battle
Sleep, the victor
Yeah I cry
I still do
Feeling her somewhere around me
Calling out my name
I see that smile
Definitely hear her laughter
Like she’s right there somewhere
And then the sun smiles
Wickedly though
Waking me up
From the cozy lap of black darkness
To the blinding light of reality
Bringing back the pains
In their entirety and more
She’s gone, long bygone
Happier
And me, am still the wanderer
From a point where I wanted to stand up again
To the one, deep beneath the surface again
Life continues with its many fateful turns
Mercy not the word
Struggling to fight for survival
Falling weaker with its every slash of the sword
Smiling without believing in the happiness
Crying without a reason for the tears
Living in the silence
Not the tranquil one
But the shrieking one
Sharp painful shrieking silence
It’s not too easy..
Nishant Rawlley
*****
The Story So Far
As I stand here,
Silently at the eighteenth milestone of my life,
And look back at the trail behind me,
I have grown up,
Strangely, I have indeed,
From the boy of yesterday,
To the lad of today,
Life has changed, Times have changed, People have changed,
And yeah I have changed...
But this isn't how I wanted it to be,
I was never what I am today...
On one of the chilly mornings of March '99,
With the sun still sleeping,
A little kid is woken up by his mother,
"Bah!! School again" he says,
He goes to school, into his second family,
His friends, and a large one at that,
And, they do what they are expected to do,
They play all day, they run about in the corridors,
And indeed have a blast of a time,
And what’s new about it?
It happens daily....
Loving and living every bit, every moment of life,
Our hero cries for lost erasers,
And on teacher's scoldings...
He's scared of his mother, when he hasn't scored atleast 9 on 10...
But, he's happy,
His heart is clean of hate,
He's shy yet confident,
A complete extrovert,
Wouldn't keep a thing in his stomach,
That’s how it all used to be....
And then times changed, people changed,
And he changed.
And he was given better reasons to cry, than lost erasers,
"But things don't go this bad,
Atleast they didn't in my fairytales"
"Ha dude, life is no fairyland,
this is how life is"
People say I’m too pessimistic about life,
I just feel I’ve observed life silently,
And all I know is,
You are what your times are,
Your times change, you change,
Nothing stays, feelings, friendships, love....
Trusting people seems an impossible feat...
They say I’m addicted to pain,
And I’m addicted to loneliness,
Well when the pain surpasses all boundaries,
It just dies out, leaving behind,
A strange relief, a trance,
At the bottom of the ocean,
There is trance,
You aren't drowning anymore,
You're just calm and accept it,
And that is where I am,
Sitting comfy at the bottom of the ocean...
They say I’m childish,
Come on people,
I’m not childish,
I’m a child, the hero (at the heart though)...
Times have changed,
People have changed,
And I too have changed...
Nishant Rawlley
*****
The First Blow
I always thought,
Friendship is a silent promise
that said,
Wherever you are,
However you are,
I'll be there,
Waiting for you,
No matter how broken you are,
You'll have a shoulder to rest on....
Alas!! I was wrong
Alas!!! I was terribly wrong
Not that my friends haven't ditched me before,
I’ve had numerous examples,
But the grief
That you said that...
Not that it wasn't expected of you,
The person you are,
But what hurts,
You failed to see my pain,
Though you've suffered it for yourself,
Maybe you're right,
Maybe I’m wrong,
Maybe I was expecting a bit too much,
Maybe I’ve bothered you
more than I should have,
But you should have known,
That I was in pain,
Deeper than ever,
Painful than ever,
I do not say we aren't friends anymore,
Nor do I undervalue our beautiful relation,
But you must know,
You were wrong,
I needed you too much
I do not know,
Anyways as always,
You be happy,
Rest assured I’m fine,
Or am I ???
I lost her long ago
maybe its destined so,
Maybe there's a need,
For the curtains to fall,
For the doors to close,
For me to spend a few quiet moments with myself,
With my feelings
And my self....
Nishant Rawlley
*****
Wondering…
The transition from night to day,
is actually never gradual, but sudden,
A moment back,
you were engulfed in darkness,
Calm, sleeping, and a moment forth,
you face light from all sides,
Blinding light, the light of reality
And I wish to keep closed, my eyes
For if I let them open, those tears will be open to the world..
I wish to sleep more,
Eyes tightly shut, rolled into a ball,
Why? Am I not allowed to cry if I want to?
Does somebody else decide, if I can be sad?
And with this, I shut off the light I can,
And am back to sleep..
May the day never come,
Yeah, may it never..
Nishant Rawlley
*****
A Passing Moment
My third night on the terrace
And they’re all back
Like the long lost friends
together again
And Its been long indeed.
The same moon, the same winds
The silence, the stars
My best silent buddies
Away from life,
resides life!
The winds whisper their song into my ears
Reciting those timeless love stories
Bringing back memories of the times that were
They call it a storm
I call it the dance of the winds
Celebratory! Wild!
Uncontrolled, untamed!
Amidst all the wilderness
I stand still
And I bathe in it, every bit of it
Absorb life from it into myself
I hear the hustle of a thousand leaves behind me
Like water gushing down a riverine
in the bed of the hills
Musical, soothing
I gaze into nothingness today
Finding faces in the moon
I keep staring at the stars today
Like those long lost friends
With tales, secrets, memories…
Another strong gush of wind
Getting stronger with every moment
And then, it subsides
As sudden as it had come
Leaving a story in my ears
I had flown with it a moment back
I feel cold now
And tired
But its okay
After a hard day out in the sun
The cold is more than welcome for sure
I let myself loose
Soaking the silence
The utter silence
Punctuated only by the hustle of the leaves
And the whispers of the winds
Strolling with a few careless steps
Witnessing all that goes around
Away from life,
resides life!
A birdie flies past my vision
Late from work again, probably
It is a late hour indeed
The full moon, the rare silence, the dancing winds
This is it, the moment
But it all feels different tonight
In a good way
Is something really happening?
or is it just a passing moment?
Nishant Rawlley
*****
Simply Beautiful
“You know don’t take me wrong
but I kind of find you attractive”
That’s what he imagined saying to her,
To that girl sitting two rows across
The girl who
Out of nowhere had caught his attention today
How he could just not help
take his gaze off her
Like some mysterious force
Pulling him back
to those deep kohl laden eyes
Those big, questioning eyes
Lit up like a child’s
Simplicity, Purest in form
Indian tresses intertwined into that plait
Skin, the color of dusk
Attire, an array of colors
Just the perfect match
Unconventional beauty, to say the least
She laughs, smiles
It feels kind of nice
Pacifying… Ethereal
Just a face in the crowd
Yet today, she had stood out
And he
But looked at her all through
The girl two rows across…
Beauty, Just the way he liked it
Just the right smile, Just the right humility
The right mood, Beige
The calmness of it all
The stillness of an ocean
The timelessness of it all
And he couldn’t help
But soak in it
The beauty
And there she sat, smiling
Oblivious of all that he felt
Of all that had happened in this corner of the room
Of the fact that she had struck someone
Not that he went up to talk to her
He only wished, he could see her the next day
The ethereal tragic beauty
The girl sitting two rows across
Nishant Rawlley
*****
The Journey Back Home
Time seems stopped
Passing by in slow motion
Feeling
every moment
Feeling alive to every moment
Silence within noise
Suddenly things seem to matter less
Suddenly life seems a little easier
Questions and mysteries seem fading into thin air
The question marks, the creases on the forehead, dissolving
The journey ahead of me is long enough
And all I have taken is a little first step
I’m tired enough
The day has been long
My legs giving away
But this must be done
There’s no other way
I cannot stop here
I must keep walking
It’ll take me time
but I’ll be home
The past seems a little less important
The future a little less worrysome
As I silently behold
The trees, the cars, the world
Whiz past me
The first hi’s, the last goodbyes
I remember them all
Like some waking mare
Just before the break of dawn
But right now in front of me
I see the truth
Glaring at me in the face
The truth, the home
And now I wish to go home and sleep…
Nishant Rawlley
*****
Good Times
Yeah those times were as real as these
Just a lot more magical
When life was a pleasure every moment lived
And you were the reason to survive
Living alone
Yet I had you to fall back upon
And you, were so alive
Hearing that sugary voice way past midnight
Seeing that smile so real, some more often
Your jokes, your nasal laughs..
They used to make me so happy
Meant everything to me
For then, you were mine
Ending my day only after putting you to sleep
Listening to you sleep, through the phone
And kissing you goodnight each night
Sharing a life with you
For me, it was more than I had ever asked for
You could make me the happiest,
with a simple dimple-adorned smile
The twinkle of your eyes, was my hope to live,
Your hand had completed mine
And you me
You know what, every time I saw you
I still had the butterflies, the tickles
As real as ever,
Your charm had never gone
Infecting me each day, each minute we shared
And now, seeing the vast barren expanse
Dried of water, devoid of any sound
Chasing mirages
I wish the good times had lived on...
Nishant Rawlley
*****
A Toast
A toast for the love of life
One, to the questions that were never answered
And never will be
Another to the mystery called love
May we feel it one day...
To the tears wept in dark rooms
and One To the happy times and the happy memories
One for the relentless efforts
Trying to understand life
To loneliness, and all that it taught us
To the pain we spend our lives fighting
Fearing it might never leave at all
A large, to the messes we got ourselves into
And to the bigger ones created trying to get out
To pain and those pain laden eyes we never shall forget
And to mistakes,
They were fun indeed
One To the friends,
Those who stayed and those who left
They'll always be a part of us
And One to those laughs
And the people we shared them with
They still bring a smile
Another one, To those dreams and those moments
We would trade our lives to live again
And finally the last but never the least