sans expectations,
to...where there's true pleasure,
but all that seems all too far now,
I feel lonely, I feel helpless,
I am sinking....deeper and yet deeper..,
there's no calm, unrest prevails,
there's no peace, fear prevails,
time moved on,
I was left behind grieving,
there's an aura of pessimism, as if nothing is right,
life never seemed more meaningless,
death more desirable,
until now,
I hate myself for giving up my golden principles,
I hate myself for getting emotional,
I hate myself for apologising so badly,
when I wasn't wrong an inch,
what do I get in return?
Ignorance,
formalities,
and a long lasting fear of emotional exposure,
bad deal, believe me.
yet I want to come out again,
into the free airs, into the infinite skies,
yet I want to fight it again coz...,
somewhere deep down I believe,
there's a silver lining to my dark horizon,
all I need is strength. The strength of soul,
O mighty cosmos!!
Grant me the strength to bear what you put up for me.........
if only 22/5 hadn't occurred at all...
Nishant Rawlley
*****
The Soul
“I want to know, what have I done to deserve
this state of misery,
this phase of loneliness, even in the crowd...?”
Question was right there, Hanging in mid air
Aimed at everyone listening
But
Was there really anyone?
None that she could see...
It was a question… directed to herself
So was the answer....Concentrated by her soul
To directly herself.
“Do you really want to know where you failed yourself?
Where you lost that self esteem?
The truth of which you are hiding behind that false ego of yours?
Do you have the strength left?
To know the naked reality,
Take blame for your actions
And burn in your own remorse?
I guess not girl… I believe not.”
Concluded the Soul, with a mocking smile.
She looked up to find the source of that voice…
Only realizing she was all by herself… but
Still found the necessity to answer aloud.
“Trusting someone is a mistake?
Then yes I did.
A result of desperation to prove, the outcome of longing for care…
Then yes I was wrong.
To not have faith in one who loved unconditionally
And desiring to move away…”
She hung on to that thought for a while...
And continued
“Not a desire… but feeling a need to move on
was indeed the biggest fault.
But you tell me… “
She shouted, despite the silence around
“Would the self inflicted guilt
Be sufficient to purge my tainted soul
Even though it seems enough to give deserving misery?? “
And alas… she sat down, not able to handle it anymore
Tears running down her cheeks
She waited for a reply… But there was none…
The tarnished soul had nothing more to say
It had done it what needed to be done
Explaining her… that she brought this to herself…
And had to learn to live with it
However hard it was…
Monica Singh
*****
Cocoon
Like the tiny insignificant caterpillar
He crawls
He crawls and withdraws into his cocoon
Closing the door behind him
He turns on the dark
And lay close those big questioning eyes
A head clattered with questions
Trying to sleep
In his dreams he asketh for answers
He asketh for solutions
Why on earth this sudden trench?
And he does lie deep
Once again the bottom of the ocean
Life’s funny no doubt
Funny is what you call it when you can call it nothing else
with his eyes still shut closed
another toss
And he's reminded of the familiar moon
That lit up the sky in milk white colors
It used to calm him down
Gliding above him in its own flight
Peaceful quite solitary
The questions used to float away
Thinning into the dark
But tonight wasn't the night
After all it was the New moon
Tonight he lay there, aid-less, unarmed and beaten
And then the dark took over
Conquereth his senses
But the questions never left
He seeketh answers
Why on earth, this sudden trench?
*****
All I Write
A passionate game
Maybe a way to fame
Scribbling the thoughts
Like intoxicating shots
With swing of mood
Sometimes mature, else crude
Heart's intense desire
In words like fire,
A wish not true
On paper that grew.
About world and mob
About a giggle and sob
On promises broken
On trusts Shaken
For innocent love
like a pious dove
for caring friends
though changing like trends.
For people I miss
and a world like this
For a place that was sour
but now which is far.
An inside fight
That’s all I write…
Monica Singh
*****
Awaited Touch…
Been too long now
since I last had pinch of that pain
it seemed like a long forgotten story
A happy person I am
Well Atleast that’s what it seemed
until yesterday I suppose
Looking at those content people
around me chirping like
carefree birds of morning
Reminded me again
of that hole in my heart
that emptiness created
which I had been trying to curb
which I had been trying to ignore
Realizing now… alas yes
I am indeed not as strong as I think
The urge to touch him
to kiss him
to feel him
still lingers right there
Right at the corner of my eyes
Running slowly down my cheeks
The warm feeling it is
but not so peaceful
Its making my heart go colder
I shudder on remembering those gone days
These two long years
haven’t filled up that hole
Neither the self indulgence
Nor the busy life
Neither the selfishness
nor the selflessness
Maybe nothing but tha
t touch can
Cure me of this mad feeling
Just one touch… and I will be free again
to start afresh…
Monica Singh
Meetings
Stop holding me back,
Just let me go,
Please don't show me your face again,
I just wanna go,
Every time I see you,
It becomes all the tougher for me,
To convince myself
That it’s over,
That I’ve moved on,
So please stay away from my sight,
And allow me to re-live my life~
Every time I see you,
I go blank in head,
The million things I wanna say to you,
The million questions I wish to ask you,
All erupting all at once,
Why did you have to do it?
What had it been between us?
Was it really what we claimed it was?
I look at your face,
Cold... Stern,
As if I was the culprit,
Why? I fail to understand,
Despite the million sorrys I begged,
Despite the million times, I tried to make it up,
I recall,
How you threw me out of your life,
And my head tells me to turn around,
I obey,
And then, you are gone,
Inside me, I crib,
What if I had gone and uttered something,
What to say, I know not. .
Now when everything is over,
I just remember one thing of all,
I had loved you,
The most of all,
The most purely of all,
If only you could have understood,
My love never desired your presence,
Just a feeling, that you were there,
We could have been apart forever,
Yet always together,
But you chose it the other way,
And that was the most ruthless of all,
And that’s what tells my head,
To stand up for myself, my heart,
And to hate you and throw you out of my life. .
Now that everything is over,
I fail to believe, I fail to understand,
Was it really love between us?
Do I still have love for you in my heart?
I don't know, and I don't wanna know,
All I know, I want,
Is to move on,
Every time I see you,
My head and heart are at war,
So please stay away from my sight,
And allow me to re-live my life. .
Nishant Rawlley
*****
After a Break
A long break indeed
the feeling to write has eloped
the ideas to express have faded
the strength to write has flown
the zest for this passion has gone
Strange it is
How words fail her now
The slow and killing element
still unfounded… escaping her sight
Here today she thinks
What is it that's missing??
The long lasting grief maybe?
The emotions she poured
have finally left her?
The unending self indulgence
has now ceased?
Weird it is
The stage of being content
being just herself
being plain happy
Is pointed as dire selfishness.
It only makes her laugh unemotionally
at various interpretations of her emotions.
But not being able to pen down her pent up feelings
is what troubles her most.
Funny creature she is indeed
Interesting one too
who is in dilemma with her stability.
True it is maybe
steadiness isn't meant for some people
She needs constant roller coasters
Continuing high and low tides
Habitual laughs and tears…
That's what a normal life is for her.
Monica Singh
*****
Walking Alone
Slow at pace… fast at beat
I move towards… Something strange
Lost somewhere… Thoughts unknown
Confused world around… Still I go on
Walking on sand
Alone with thoughts
Don’t know where I go
Don’t know where I end up
Waves touch my feet and retreat
And leave me alone again
Breezes pass through and vanish
And leave me alone again.
Things unknown
World undiscovered
Myself undefined
People all strange
Such is the crossroad I am on
Don’t know what path to take.
I keep wishing on stars
That there should be someone
To walk beside me
Someone who’ll never
Leave me alone
And take me to just the right path.
But then I wonder
Do wishes come true???
Monica Singh
*****
Martyr
I can still hear the roar of cannons and guns
but the dawn of peace is nearing…
Mud soaked in gore, I can smell;
O Mother ,there is something I always wanted to tell...
Soon I shall reach you, maybe not as wholesome as I left,
Always know that this ragged body shouldn't dishearten you…
Believe that your son has been liberated from the cage of war,
the shackles of this earthly skin
and bones.
On my way above, I would meet my fellow fighters,
Some whom I killed and others to whom I fell prey...
I love them all without Grudges, because they too
were duty-bound like me in their love for
their motherland..
O mother, as I am losing my conscious and flowing into nothing,
I want to tell you that I love you…
And never feel lonely as I shall pay you homage
every new morning with the rise of sun till its
presence on Earth..
Isha Soni
*****
The Secret
The secret of what happens
behind the closed doors
The secret of what happens
after the sun goes down
The secret of merciless slaughter and daily killings
Of deaths died every day
And of stories buried back into the earth
Remains indeed
a well guarded secret
But what if someday
somebody managed to force open the door?
But would anyone care enough?
To look beyond the visible?
But what if the dark tales,
of slaughter and deaths,
were suddenly made known to the world?
Would it understand? Care?
The odds are bleak
But the mind continues to fly
Around me in pitch darkness
I see the murderer and the death
Both smirking at a helpless me
The death taking away a piece of me
The murderer waiting to take the rest
Thoughts scurrying all across
&nbs
p; From the beginning of this life,
to the end
My world seeming small
Very small
Without a soul to make out that I'm dying
Without a savior to care
But I am only shocked,
at the persistence of my killer
He shouldn't have lasted so long
I used to be strong
Slash after slash
Assault after assault...
He never seems to tire off
For I can only wait
For one of us to quit the game
And I know who its going to be
Of unheard cries, of untold stories
Of unseen killings
The secret of what happens
Behind the closed wooden doors
Still remains
A really well guarded secret
For the world shall never know...
Nishant Rawlley
*****
Steps
Took one step and it’s you whom I meet,
Pleasant, holy, lithe, a protective love sheet.
Second step was a little longer,
Thought you were nothing more than a sulky fishmonger.
Sudden steps together to walk away from you,
Everywhere you found me, appearing out of the blue.
Then began the sagacious plans to make you surrender,
Time and again you proved your power on this Earth and under.
Another step I took, this time for the good;
At a distance with open arms ,you happily stood.
Yes, you were tough and sharp like a knife,
But I now realize your worth, O Dear Life ..
P.S - Never Give Up On Life... It’s difficult but it’s beautiful...
Isha Soni
*****
An Honest Lie
I know you are happy somewhere, I'm not complaining,
Its the ritual of the world to move on,
As wise men say… the time which once passes is forever gone...
I know I'm a fool to stand and wait, because I'm too slow for this worldly race..
A man among men you might be for all,
But my world is you; says my heart's call...
I know we are on two different paths, never together always apart;
The brain says move, the heart says stop;
For God's blessing which might on you drop...
I know it's useless to you what all I say,
For it was always meant to be this way,
The sea before the storm is calm, I can’t see you in the lines of my palm...
Gone are the days when I cared, gone are the feelings that we shared;
"A man among men" you are for me too...
I wish this lie could just be true... I wish this lie could just be true ...
Isha Soni
A Closed Chapter
I miss the tears I wept for you,
I miss the smiles I smiled with you,
I miss the feel of your fingers against mine,
That one last time,
I miss the lies you lied to me,
I miss the pains you gave me,
I miss the fears of losing you,
I miss the love I had for you,
But not with a tinge of repent,
Not the slightest one,
Not that I want you back into my life,
You're not welcome,
Maybe I was just too good for you,
Maybe you got what you deserved,
Maybe my love for you was far more,
Than you could take,
If only you hadn't played with lives,
But that does not matter now,
I hear people saying true love doesn't have an ending,
I can bet mine was no less,
But yeah I’ve ended it long ago,
And happily so,
You're simply non existent to me,
Or maybe just another chapter,
In the book of my life,
A closed chapter....
Nishant Rawlley
*****
Final Betrayal...