Under the Lights

  It was true. When they had laid them both in the ground, I had felt my heart go with them. My joy, my happiness, all of the good things went too. I couldn’t accept those with someone else.

  “They would want you to find happiness again. To live for them. They won’t get life, and because of that you need to live it for them. Not forgiving yourself and placing blame on yourself isn’t doing their lives justice. They’d want more for you. This would be disappointing to them, Willa. They don’t blame you, and you shouldn’t either. You want to remember them, then do it. Talk about them. I’ll listen. Tell me everything. I’m here. But don’t live a life with no hope for happiness, because it isn’t fair to their memory.”

  I turned to look at him. Had those words just come out of Gunner Lawton’s mouth? Where had the fun-loving playboy gone? I knew he was deeper than he let the world see, but I hadn’t been prepared for that. And if he meant them as much as it sounded like he did, then was he right? Was I not doing justice to their memory?

  “Do you believe what you just said?” I asked him.

  He nodded. “Hell yeah I do. Every damn word. And if you don’t listen now, be ready to hear them over and over again, because I intend to tell you until you get it. Until they’re real to you, too. You’re special, Willa Ames. You always were. They loved you because they saw in you what I did that day I caught you playing with my army men. Neither of those girls would want to think you gave up on life to punish yourself over their deaths. Neither was your fault, and deep down you know that. You just can’t say the truth because it hurts too much. You loved Poppy too much. But it was her fault, Willa. It was Poppy’s fault, and she knew it. She couldn’t live with it. That is the truth. Accept it.”

  The tears I’d been fighting off, or at least trying to by only letting a few free at a time, began to stream down my face. Sobs that racked my body broke free, and I bent forward, wrapping my arms around my stomach to keep from completely falling apart.

  He was right.

  But that hurt so much.

  Two strong arms wrapped around me, and I went willingly into his embrace. He didn’t say anything more, and even if he had, I wouldn’t have been able to hear him over the sobbing. The pain I’d bottled up for so long I let free. I accepted the truth. The one no one had told me until now. The one I was afraid to believe or accept because I didn’t want to blame Poppy. I loved her.

  But to move on in life I had needed to hear it. Gunner had given me what no one else ever had. Reassurance that I deserved to live too. So many times I’d thought I should have killed myself. I loved Quinn, so why was I able to live and Poppy hadn’t been? Had I loved her less? Was I selfish? I had asked myself so many questions and battled with my own emotions over this for so long I forgot the basic facts. The ones that tonight I’d finally said out loud. To someone who was willing to listen.

  I cried in his arms for what felt like an eternity. The front of his shirt was soaked with my tears, but his arms never loosened. In fact his hold got tighter the longer we stayed there. When it all started to dry up and the heaviness that I’d carried for so long began to ease, giving me my first real deep breath in months, I lifted my head and stared up at him. This boy who I never expected to be my hero. I never guessed would hold me when I fell apart. This boy who had been by my side through many of my life’s changes. Maybe it had always been, but I hadn’t known it or understood it. But I knew it now.

  I loved Gunner Lawson.

  “Thank you.” My voice cracked as I said the words.

  He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I’m always here.”

  Yes, he was. Even though his life was shit, he was still here listening to me. “I soaked your shirt.”

  He gave me a small grin. “It’ll wash up just fine.”

  “I . . . I haven’t talked about that or really cried like that about it.”

  Gunner pulled me closer to him. “I’m glad you did with me. You needed it. You’ve beat yourself up enough. You need to heal, Willa. You need to move on.”

  “I can’t ever forget them.”

  He shook his head. “No. You can’t. You need to live for them and remember them while you’re living the life they didn’t get. Do it for them. Do it for you.”

  “I love you, Gunner.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

  I hadn’t thought through how he would react or what he would say, because I honestly hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But I had said it. Now I had to own it and deal with the repercussions.

  Which ended up being nothing. Without a word he kissed my forehead again, then took me home.

  It Wasn’t Like We Were the Trumps

  CHAPTER 42

  GUNNER

  Knowing you love someone and saying it out loud are two completely different things. The first is startling, and the second is terrifying. I accepted the fact I loved Willa even though I’d sworn to never love anyone. She’d broken through my walls, and I was glad. She made me happy. Being with her was as complete as I’d ever felt.

  The bravery it was going to take in order to tell her that, though, I was afraid I lacked greatly. I wasn’t even having to face the fact she may not feel the same way. There was no laying it out there to be shot down. She’d already said the words to me. But even still, saying them made them real. As real as love could be for me. I’d never told anyone I loved them.

  Not even my parents. Because they’d never once told me. I hadn’t been raised in a house where the word love was spoken easily, like Brady and West. It hadn’t been spoken at all within the Lawton walls.

  When she’d said the words so easily, my chest constricted because it was the first time I’d heard them. I hadn’t been able to say anything in return. Hell, I almost said thank you. It was a gift many take for granted that others have never been given.

  In that moment I didn’t have the adequate words for what I was feeling. All I’d been able to do was hold her and kiss her head. Tears had stung my eyes, and the emotion had made it hard for me to say anything. She’d given me hope. I hadn’t realized I had none until her.

  If she had a cell phone, I’d at least be able to text her what I was feeling. But that wasn’t possible, and she deserved more than a well-written text message. I had to man up and say it to her. Let her know I loved her.

  At this moment though I had to walk into my house and face the shit waiting on me there. Hopefully, Rhett was passed out drunk. I opened the back door and headed for the stairs without listening for voices. If I could avoid them all, I would.

  The silence was a relief as I rushed up the stairs and down the hall to the only sanctuary I had here, my room. No one ever came in there but Ms. Ames to clean it. Everyone else left me alone. When I was younger, that made me lonely. Now it is the only way I can live here.

  Slinging my door open, I stepped inside, only to freeze when my eyes landed on my mother sitting in the chair across from my bed. I couldn’t remember a time in my life she’d ever been in this room. Seeing her here now was discomforting.

  “Hello, Gunner,” she said in a voice that didn’t hold hostility or annoyance like it normally did when she said my name.

  “Mom,” I replied, not moving inside any more because my safe place had just become foreign to me.

  “Come in and close the door. There are some things I need to tell you. It’s time you know.”

  I was pretty damn sure I didn’t want to know any more of her secrets. The last one was enough to last me a lifetime. “If you’re about to tell me that Grandmother Lawton is my real mother or I’m the offspring of an aunt I don’t know about, could you save it? I need some sleep.” My tone was annoyed. Because I was fucking annoyed.

  My mother frowned her disapproving cotillion frown she was so good at, and I pointed to the door. “I’m serious,” I added.

  She shook her head. “Stop acting like a child, Gunner. It’s time you grew up and became a man. This immature rebellious persona you’re so fond of has to end now. You have a
n empire to control whether you like it or not.”

  I wouldn’t call the Lawton money an empire, but my mother had always acted loftier than we were. Lawton, Alabama, was . . . well for one it was in Alabama. Jesus. It wasn’t like we were the Trumps.

  “I’m a senior in high school, not a college graduate. Your other son is in college, and his drunk ass came to the homecoming dance tonight yelling and calling me his uncle. It was a shining moment for the Lawton Empire,” I mocked.

  Her face tensed. She didn’t like scenes, and Rhett had caused a major one. Maybe she should be in his room giving him a damn lecture on growing up. I wanted her to love me. Saying I didn’t care was a lie. She was my mother, and I’d tried to make her happy. I’d just never been able to.

  She shook her head as if that didn’t matter. “Rhett isn’t the Lawton heir. You are. It’s different for you. And Rhett always expected that it would always be his one day. I think your father thought he’d win in the end. But the will is ironclad. Your grandfather made sure of it. This is all yours when you turn eighteen.”

  Eighteen? I’d be eighteen next month.

  “You mean my father made sure it was ironclad. If we are going to admit my paternity, then we at least need to claim it and stop acting like the dick you’re married to is my father. I never wanted him for a father. The only good thing about this is he’s not.”

  My mother frowned again. “The rest of the world needs to believe he is. It’s the only way to save face.”

  “Whose? Yours?” I asked with a snarl. I didn’t care about saving fucking face. It was Lawton.

  “Yours too. Don’t think for a moment that the truth wouldn’t put a damper on your life. You’d be the Lawton bastard. Do you want that? A girl from a good family won’t marry you with that taint in your past.”

  “Thank God for that. Never did much care for the cotillion bitches.”

  “Gunner! This is serious.”

  I nodded. “Yes, it is. You screwed around with your father-in-law and made a baby, then lied to that baby his entire life. It’s pretty damn serious. Now I’d like to go to bed. It’s been a long night.”

  “I didn’t screw around with him.” Her voice had taken a hysterical tone. “He raped me!”

  This shit just kept getting worse.

  The Name Lawton Means Nothing

  CHAPTER 43

  WILLA

  Turning in circles in the middle of a large open field I’d never seen before in my life, I couldn’t enjoy the flowers and beauty surrounding me. Because there was this odd tapping noise that I couldn’t find.

  Tap, tap, tap.

  Then a pause

  Tap, tap, tap.

  Pause.

  The pattern was driving me crazy, and I wanted to yell at it to stop.

  Then I woke up.

  Tap, tap, tap.

  There it was again, and this time I was in my bed and that noise was coming from my window. I threw the covers back, stepped out of bed, and walked over to the window to peek through the curtain. Either there was an animal out there annoying me, or someone was being polite before they broke into the house and murdered us all. Whichever it may be, I was checking it out.

  Gunner wasn’t who I expected. I had really been leaning toward a bird on the window. I unlocked the top and quietly slid it up.

  “Hey,” I whispered, wondering if I might still be asleep. If so, at least the tapping had stopped.

  “Tree house,” he whispered back, nodding his head in the direction of the tree house.

  “Now?” I asked, confused. It had to be at least two in the morning.

  “Please” was his simple response, but it was enough. Something was wrong.

  “Let me put on a hoodie and some shoes.”

  He nodded, then tucked his hands in his pockets and waited.

  If I got caught sneaking out with Gunner, I was done for. Nonna trusted me. I had that back. If she caught me, then I’d lose that trust. And I needed it. I needed her trust . . . her love. But for Gunner I would just about do anything. Another risk I was willing to take. He wouldn’t have come here if he didn’t need me.

  I blindly reached in my closet, not wanting to turn on my lights and draw attention to myself. Nonna was a heavy sleeper, but she was across the hall. This house wasn’t big. Feeling my way, I found a hoodie and a pair of flip-flops.

  Gunner was still at the window waiting on me when I got both items on my body. My hair was probably a mess, but I didn’t have time to worry about that. I doubted that was a concern of Gunner’s anyway. This had to do with his brother, I was sure.

  Slipping the window up as far as it would go, I threw one leg out and then ducked my head, maneuvering the rest of my body out until my other leg could follow. “I’ll leave it open,” I said as quietly as I could.

  His hand slid over mine and squeezed it. Without any more words we walked out into the darkness toward the tree house. I tried to wait for him to say something, but when we were far enough away from Nonna’s that we could safely talk, he still hadn’t spoken.

  So I did.

  “What time is it?”

  “About two thirty.”

  He had brought me home by eleven. That had been my curfew. I’d known he was going back to face Rhett, if Rhett was even awake still.

  “Things go bad with Rhett?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Not really. He was asleep when I got back.”

  Oh.

  Then why was I sneaking out of the house?

  “You okay?” I was trying to give him enough space to tell me exactly what was going on without prying.

  “I am now.”

  That was nice. Really sweet actually. I liked it.

  But I still wanted to know why I’d just snuck out.

  He stood back and motioned for me to go up the tree house ladder first. So I did. Only because it was so dark out, he couldn’t see my butt that well.

  When we were both inside, I turned to ask him what this was about, and his hands circled my wrists and tugged my body against his. Then his mouth covered mine, and I didn’t care anymore about sneaking out and what was wrong with Gunner. I just wanted this kiss. The softness of his lips. The smell of the soap he used rose from the skin on his neck. I couldn’t get close enough.

  His hands moved to my hips, and held me there as he tasted me as thoroughly as I was tasting him. There was no worry of him running this time. I would tackle him if he tried. I wasn’t letting this go again.

  It made all the cheesy romance movies I’d seen appear realistic. That one kiss that changes everything no longer seemed like a fantasy. It was real. I was experiencing it yet again.

  When Gunner finally pulled back, I protested with what sounded like a whine. I was pathetic. I needed to control myself.

  “Run away with me,” he said, so close still his breath tickled my lips and nose.

  I almost nodded and agreed with whatever he was saying when I realized what he was actually saying. I paused. I couldn’t agree to that. We had high school to finish and college to go to. Running away wasn’t in the plans.

  “What are you talking about? We can’t run away,” I said logically even though that kiss still had my toes curled up in my flip-flops.

  “I can’t live here under this Lawton name. With a family who hates me for all that I represent to them. I’m proof of pain and destruction. I hate it. I want to just be me somewhere that the name Lawton means nothing.

  “I can’t leave. I’m on probation. This”—I held out my hands—“this is my last chance. I don’t get another.”

  Gunner sighed in frustration. “I have enough money that we can run and they’ll never find us. We can start a new life. Get new names. Be us without the bullshit of our pasts. Leave our demons here in Lawton and get the hell away from them. Forget it all happened.”

  He made it sound so easy, and I could see he believed it would be easy. That we could just start a new life. But either he was tired or he thought he had more power than he did.
They’d find us. “It isn’t that simple.”

  “It can be. Don’t you trust me?”

  I did trust him, but the way he was talking was crazy. “We can’t just leave. They’d look for us, and we’d be running forever. Eventually they’d find us. Besides, I can’t do that to Nonna. She’s always been there for me. Always stood in the gap and never let me down. Leaving her without a word would be wrong. She’d worry herself sick.”

  Gunner paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair. He reminded me of a caged lion trying to claw his way to freedom. Something had set him off. He hadn’t been manic when he’d brought me home.