themselves humours since the old days of goodman Adam to
the pupil age of this present twelve o’clock at midnight.
[Enter Francis]
What’s o’clock, Francis?
FRANCIS Anon, anon, sir.
[Exit]
PRINCE HENRY That ever this fellow should have fewer words than
a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry is upstairs
and downstairs, his eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am
not yet of Percy’s mind, the Hotspur of the north, he that kills
me some six or seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his
hands, and says to his wife ‘Fie upon this quiet life! I want
work’. ‘O my sweet Harry’, says she, ‘how many hast thou
killed today?’ ‘Give my roan horse a drench’, says he, and
answers ‘Some fourteen’, an hour after, ‘a trifle, a trifle’. I
prithee call in Falstaff. I’ll play Percy, and that damned brawn
shall play Dame Mortimer his wife. ‘Rivo!’ says the drunkard.
Call in ribs, call in tallow.
Poins calls
Enter Falstaff, [Gadshill, Bardolph and Peto. Francis follows with
wine]
POINS Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been?
FALSTAFF A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too,
marry and amen!— Give me a cup of sack, boy.— Ere I lead
this life long, I’ll sew nether stocks and mend them and foot
them too. A plague of all cowards!— Give me
To Francis
a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?
Drinks
PRINCE HENRY Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter —
pitiful-hearted Titan — that melted at the sweet tale of the
sun? If thou didst, then behold that compound.
FALSTAFF You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too.—
To Francis
There is nothing but roguery to be found in villainous
man; yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime
in’t. A villainous coward! Go
[Francis may exit]
thy ways, old Jack, die when thou wilt, if manhood, good
manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am
I a shotten herring. There lives not three good men
unhanged in England, and one of them is fat and grows old.
God help the while! A bad world, I say. I would I were a
weaver. I could sing all manner of songs. A plague of all
cowards, I say still.
PRINCE HENRY How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
FALSTAFF A king’s son? If I do not beat thee out of thy
kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects
afore thee like a flock of wild geese, I’ll never wear hair on my
face more. You Prince of Wales?
PRINCE HENRY Why, you whoreson round man, what’s
the matter?
FALSTAFF Are you not a coward? Answer me to that. And
Poins there?
POINS Ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, I’ll stab thee.
FALSTAFF I call thee coward? I’ll see
thee damned ere I call thee coward, but I would give a thousand pound I could run
as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the
shoulders, you care not who sees your back. Call you that
backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! Give
me them that will face me. Give me a cup of sack. I am a
rogue, if I drunk today.
PRINCE HENRY O, villain, thy lips are scarce wiped since thou
drunk’st last.
FALSTAFF All’s one for that.
He drinks
A plague of all cowards, still say I.
PRINCE HENRY What’s the matter?
FALSTAFF What’s the matter? Here be four of us have ta’en a
thousand pound this morning.
PRINCE HENRY Where is it, Jack? Where is it?
FALSTAFF Where is it? Taken from us it is: a hundred upon
poor four of us.
PRINCE HENRY What, a hundred, man?
FALSTAFF I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a
dozen of them two hours together. I have scaped by miracle.
I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through
the hose, my buckler cut through and through, my sword
hacked like a hand-saw — ecce signum! I never dealt better
since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards!
Let them speak; if they speak more or less than truth, they
are villains and the sons of darkness.
PRINCE HENRY Speak, sirs, how was it?
GADSHILL We four set upon some dozen—
FALSTAFF Sixteen at least, my lord.
GADSHILL And bound them.
PETO No, no, they were not bound.
FALSTAFF You rogue, they were bound, every man of them, or
I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
GADSHILL As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set
upon us—
FALSTAFF And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
PRINCE HENRY What, fought ye with them all?
FALSTAFF All? I know not what ye call all, but if I fought not
with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if there were not
two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-
legged creature.
POINS Pray heaven you have not murdered some of them.
FALSTAFF Nay, that’s past praying for, I have peppered two of
them: two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram
suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face,
call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward. Here I lay and
thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive
at me—
PRINCE HENRY What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.
FALSTAFF Four, Hal, I told thee four.
POINS Ay, ay, he said four.
FALSTAFF These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at
me. I made no more ado but took all their seven points in my
target, thus.
PRINCE HENRY Seven? Why, there were but four even now.
FALSTAFF In buckram?
POINS Ay, four, in buckram suits.
FALSTAFF Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
PRINCE HENRY Prithee let him alone. We shall
Aside to Poins
have more anon.
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear me, Hal?
PRINCE HENRY Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
FALSTAFF Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in
buckram that I told thee of—
PRINCE HENRY So, two more already.
FALSTAFF Their points being broken—
POINS Down fell his hose.
FALSTAFF Began to give me ground. But I followed me close,
came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of the
eleven I paid.
PRINCE HENRY O, monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of
two?
FALSTAFF But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten
knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at me;
for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.
PRINCE HENRY These lies are like the father that begets them,
gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained
guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson, obscene,
greasy tallow-catch—
FALSTAFF What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth
the truth?
PRINCE HENRY Why, how couldst thou know these men in
Kendal gree
n when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy
hand? Come, tell us your reason: what say’st thou to this?
POINS Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
FALSTAFF What, upon compulsion? No. Were I at the
strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you
on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? If reasons
were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a
reason upon compulsion, I.
PRINCE HENRY I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine
coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker, this huge
hill of flesh—
FALSTAFF Away, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s
tongue, bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish! O, for breath to utter
what is like thee! You tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase,
you vile standing-tuck—
PRINCE HENRY Well, breathe awhile, and then to’t again: and
when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me
speak but thus.
POINS Mark, Jack.
PRINCE HENRY We two saw you four set on four and bound
them, and were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how a
plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you
four, and with a word, out-faced you from your prize, and
have it, yea, and can show it you in the house. And, Falstaff,
you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick
dexterity, and roared for mercy and still ran and roared, as
ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy
sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight! What
trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find
out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?
POINS Come, let’s hear, Jack: what trick hast thou now?
FALSTAFF I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear ye,
my masters, was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? Should I
turn upon the true prince? Why, thou knowest I am as
valiant as Hercules, but beware instinct. The lion will not
touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter. I was a
coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself and
thee during my life: I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true
prince. But, lads, I am glad you have the money.— Hostess,
clap to the doors. Watch tonight, pray tomorrow. Gallants,
lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the good titles of fellowship
come to you! What, shall we be merry? Shall we have a play
extempore?
PRINCE HENRY Content, and the argument shall be thy running
away.
FALSTAFF Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
Enter Hostess [Quickly]
HOSTESS QUICKLY My lord the prince?
PRINCE HENRY How now, my lady the hostess? What say’st thou
to me?
HOSTESS QUICKLY Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the
court at door would speak with you: he says he comes from
your father.
PRINCE HENRY Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and
send him back again to my mother.
FALSTAFF What manner of man is he?
HOSTESS QUICKLY An old man.
FALSTAFF What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall
I give him his answer?
PRINCE HENRY Prithee do, Jack.
FALSTAFF ’Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
Exit
PRINCE HENRY Now, sirs: you fought fair; so did you, Peto, so did
you, Bardolph. You are lions too, you ran away upon
instinct. You will not touch the true prince; no, fie!
BARDOLPH ’Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
PRINCE HENRY Tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s
sword so hacked?
PETO Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he
would swear truth out of England but he would make you
believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
BARDOLPH Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to
make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments with
it and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not
this seven years before, I blushed to hear his monstrous
devices.
PRINCE HENRY O, villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen
years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since
thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on
thy side, and yet thou ran’st away; what instinct hadst thou
for it?
BARDOLPH My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold
these exhalations?
PRINCE HENRY I do.
BARDOLPH What think you they portend?
PRINCE HENRY Hot livers and cold purses.
BARDOLPH Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
PRINCE HENRY No, if rightly taken, halter.
Enter Falstaff
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.— How now,
my sweet creature of bombast? How long is’t ago, Jack, since
thou saw’st thine own knee?
FALSTAFF My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal, I
was not an eagle’s talon in the waist. I could have crept into
any alderman’s thumb-ring. A plague of sighing and grief ! It
blows a man up like a bladder. There’s villainous news
abroad: here was Sir John Braby from your father; you must
go to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the
north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the
true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook — what a
plague call you him?
POINS O, Glendower.
FALSTAFF Owen, Owen the same, and his son-in-law Mortimer,
and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots,
Douglas, that runs o’horseback up a hill perpendicular—
PRINCE HENRY He that rides at high speed and with a pistol kills
a sparrow flying.
FALSTAFF You have hit it.
PRINCE HENRY So did he never the sparrow.
FALSTAFF Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him. He will
not run.
PRINCE HENRY Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him
so for running?
FALSTAFF A-horseback, ye cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge
a foot.
PRINCE HENRY Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
FALSTAFF I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and
one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more. Worcester is
stolen away by night. Thy father’s beard is turned white with
the news; you may buy land now as cheap as stinking
mackerel.
PRINCE HENRY Then ’tis like, if there come a hot sun and this
civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy
hob-nails, by the hundreds.
FALSTAFF By the mass, lad, thou say’st true. It is like we shall
have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou
horrible afeard? Thou being heir apparent, could the world
pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend
Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art not
thou horrible afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at it?
PRINCE HENRY Not a whit, I lack some of thy instinct.
FALSTAFF Well, thou wilt be horrible chid tomorrow when
thou comest to thy father: if thou do love me, practise an
ans
wer.
PRINCE HENRY Do thou stand for my father, and examine me
upon the particulars of my life.
FALSTAFF Shall I? Content. This chair shall be my state, this
dagger my sceptre and this cushion my crown.
PRINCE HENRY Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden
sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a
pitiful bald crown.
FALSTAFF Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee,
now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to make
mine eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept, for I
must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses’
vein.
PRINCE HENRY Well, here is my leg.
He bows or kneels
FALSTAFF And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
HOSTESS QUICKLY This is excellent sport, i’faith!
FALSTAFF Weep not, sweet queen, for trickling tears are vain.
HOSTESS QUICKLY O, the father, how he holds his countenance!
FALSTAFF For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful queen,
For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.
HOSTESS QUICKLY O, rare, he doth it as like one of these harlotry
players as ever I see!
FALSTAFF Peace, good pint-pot, peace, good
↓Quickly may exit, perhaps escorted by Bardolph↓
tickle-brain.— Harry, I do not only marvel
where thou spendest thy time, but also how
thou art accompanied, for though the camomile, the more it
is trodden the faster it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted
the sooner it wears. Thou art my son, I have partly thy
mother’s word, partly my opinion, but chiefly a villainous
trick of thine eye and a foolish hanging of thy nether lip that
doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lieth the
point: why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the
blessed sun of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries?
A question not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a
thief and take purses? A question to be asked. There is a
thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known
to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as
ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company
thou keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink
but in tears: not in pleasure but in passion: not in words only,