Made wit with musing weak, heart sick with thought.
Enter Speed
SPEED
Sir Proteus, save you. Saw you my master?
PROTEUS
But now he parted hence to embark for Milan.
SPEED
Twenty to one, then, he is shipped already,
And I have played the sheep in losing him.
PROTEUS
Indeed, a sheep doth very often stray,
An if the shepherd be a while away.
SPEED
You conclude that my master is a shepherd, then,
and I a sheep?
PROTEUS I do.
SPEED
Why then, my horns are his horns, whether I wake or sleep.
PROTEUS A silly answer, and fitting well a sheep.
SPEED This proves me still a sheep.
PROTEUS True, and thy master a shepherd.
SPEED Nay, that I can deny by a circumstance.
PROTEUS It shall go hard but I’ll prove it by another.
SPEED The shepherd seeks the sheep, and not the sheep the shepherd. But I seek my master, and my master seeks not me. Therefore I am no sheep.
PROTEUS The sheep for fodder follow the shepherd, the shepherd for food follows not the sheep. Thou for wages followest thy master, thy master for wages follows not thee. Therefore thou art a sheep.
SPEED Such another proof will make me cry ‘baa’.
PROTEUS But dost thou hear: gav’st thou my letter to Julia?
SPEED Ay, sir. I, a lost mutton, gave your letter to her, a laced mutton, and she, a laced mutton, gave me, a lost mutton, nothing for my labour.
PROTEUS Here’s too small a pasture for such store of muttons.
SPEED If the ground be overcharged, you were best stick her.
PROTEUS Nay, in that you are astray. ‘Twere best pound you.
SPEED Nay sir, less than a pound shall serve me for carrying your letter.
PROTEUS You mistake. I mean the pound, a pinfold.
SPEED From a pound to a pin? Fold it over and over ‘Tis threefold too little for carrying a letter to your lover.
PROTEUS But what said she?
SPEED (nods, then says) Ay.
PROTEUS Nod-ay? Why, that’s ‘noddy’.
SPEED You mistook, sir. I say she did nod, and you ask me if she did nod, and I say ‘Ay’.
PROTEUS And that set together is ‘noddy’.
SPEED Now you have taken the pains to set it together, take it for your pains.
PROTEUS No, no. You shall have it for bearing the letter.
SPEED Well, I perceive I must be fain to bear with you.
PROTEUS Why, sir, how do you bear with me?
SPEED Marry, sir, the letter very orderly, having nothing but the word ‘noddy’ for my pains.
PROTEUS Beshrew me but you have a quick wit.
SPEED And yet it cannot overtake your slow purse.
PROTEUS Come, come, open the matter in brief. What said she?
SPEED Open your purse, that the money and the matter may be both at once delivered.
PROTEUS (giving money) Well, sir, here is for your pains. What said she?
SPEED Truly, sir, I think you’ll hardly win her.
PROTEUS Why? Couldst thou perceive so much from her?
SPEED Sir, I could perceive nothing at all from her, no, not so much as a ducat for delivering your letter. And being so hard to me, that brought your mind, I fear she’ll prove as hard to you in telling your mind. Give her no token but stones, for she’s as hard as steel.
PROTEUS What said she? Nothing?
SPEED No, not so much as ‘Take this for thy pains’. To testify your bounty, I thank you, you have testerned me; in requital whereof, henceforth carry your letters yourself. And so, sir, I’ll commend you to my master.
⌈Exit⌉
PROTEUS
Go, go, be gone, to save your ship from wreck,
Which cannot perish having thee aboard,
Being destined to a drier death on shore.
I must go send some better messenger.
I fear my Julia would not deign my lines,
Receiving them from such a worthless post. Exit
1.2 Enter Julia and Lucetta
JULIA
But say, Lucetta, now we are alone—
Wouldst thou then counsel me to fall in love?
LUCETTA
Ay, madam, so you stumble not unheedfully.
JULIA
Of all the fair resort of gentlemen
That every day with parle encounter me,
In thy opinion which is worthiest love?
LUCETTA
Please you repeat their names, I’ll show my mind
According to my shallow simple skill.
JULIA
What think’st thou of the fair Sir Eglamour?
LUCETTA
As of a knight well spoken, neat, and fine,
But were I you, he never should be mine.
JULIA
What think’st thou of the rich Mercatio?
LUCETTA
Well of his wealth, but of himself, so-so.
JULIA
What think’st thou of the gentle Proteus?
LUCETTA
Lord, lord, to see what folly reigns in us!
JULIA
How now? What means this passion at his name?
LUCETTA
Pardon, dear madam, ‘tis a passing shame
That I, unworthy body as I am,
Should censure thus on lovely gentlemen.
JULIA
Why not on Proteus, as of all the rest?
LUCETTA
Then thus: of many good, I think him best.
JULIA
Your reason?
LUCETTA
I have no other but a woman’s reason:
I think him so because I think him so.
JULIA
And wouldst thou have me cast my love on him?
LUCETTA
Ay, if you thought your love not cast away.
JULIA
Why, he of all the rest hath never moved me.
LUCETTA
Yet he of all the rest I think best loves ye.
JULIA
His little speaking shows his love but small.
LUCETTA
Fire that’s closest kept burns most of all.
JULIA
They do not love that do not show their love.
LUCETTA
O, they love least that let men know their love.
JULIA
I would I knew his mind.
LUCETTA (giving Proteus’ letter)
Peruse this paper, madam.
JULIA
‘To Julia’—say, from whom?
LUCETTA
That the contents will show.
JULIA
Say, say—who gave it thee?
LUCETTA
Sir Valentine’s page; and sent, I think, from Proteus. He would have given it you, but I being in the way Did in your name receive it. Pardon the fault, I pray.
JULIA
Now, by my modesty, a goodly broker.
Dare you presume to harbour wanton lines?
To whisper, and conspire against my youth?
Now trust me, ‘tis an office of great worth,
And you an officer fit for the place.
There. Take the paper.
She gives Lucetta the letter
See it be returned,
Or else return no more into my sight.
LUCETTA
To plead for love deserves more fee than hate.
JULIA
Will ye be gone?
LUCETTA
That you may ruminate.
Exit
JULIA
And yet I would I had o‘erlooked the letter.
It were a shame to call her back again
And pray her to a fault for which I chid her.
What fool is she, that knows I am a maid
And would not force the letter to my view,
Since maids in modesty say ‘No’ to that
Which they would have the profferer construe ‘Ay’.
Fie, fie, how wayward is this foolish love
That like a testy babe will scratch the nurse
And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod.
How churlishly I chid Lucetta hence
When willingly I would have had her here.
How angerly I taught my brow to frown
When inward joy enforced my heart to smile.
My penance is to call Lucetta back
And ask remission for my folly past.
What ho! Lucetta!
Enter Lucetta
LUCETTA
What would your ladyship?
JULIA
Is’t near dinner-time?
LUCETTA
I would it were,
That you might kill your stomach on your meat
And not upon your maid.
⌈She drops and picks up the letter⌉
JULIA
What is’t that you
Took up so gingerly?
LUCETTA Nothing.
JULIA
Why didst thou stoop then?
LUCETTA
To take a paper up that I let fall.
JULIA
And is that paper nothing?
LUCETTA
Nothing concerning me.
JULIA
Then let it lie for those that it concerns.
LUCETTA
Madam, it will not lie where it concerns,
Unless it have a false interpreter.
JULIA
Some love of yours hath writ to you in rhyme.
LUCETTA
That I might sing it, madam, to a tune,
Give me a note. Your ladyship can set.
JULIA
As little by such toys as may be possible.
Best sing it to the tune of ‘Light o’ love’.
LUCETTA
It is too heavy for so light a tune.
JULIA
Heavy? Belike it hath some burden, then?
LUCETTA
Ay, and melodious were it, would you sing it.
JULIA
And why not you?
LUCETTA
I cannot reach so high.
JULIA
Let’s see your song.
⌈She tries to take the letters⌉
How now, minion!
LUCETTA
Keep tune there still. So you will sing it out.
And yet methinks I do not like this tune.
JULIA You do not?
LUCETTA
No, madam, ‘tis too sharp.
JULIA
You, minion, are too saucy.
LUCETTA
Nay, now you are too flat,
And mar the concord with too harsh a descant.
There wanteth but a mean to fill your song.
JULIA
The mean is drowned with your unruly bass.
LUCETTA
Indeed, I bid the base for Proteus.
JULIA
This bauble shall not henceforth trouble me.
Here is a coil with protestation.
She tears the letter and drops the pieces
Go, get you gone, and let the papers lie.
You would be fing’ring them to anger me.
LUCETTA (aside)
She makes it strange, but she would be best pleased
To be so angered with another letter.
Exit
JULIA
Nay, would I were so angered with the same.
O hateful hands, to tear such loving words;
Injurious wasps, to feed on such sweet honey
And kill the bees that yield it with your stings.
I’ll kiss each several paper for amends.
She picks up some of the pieces of paper
Look, here is writ ‘Kind Julia’—unkind Julia,
As in revenge of thy ingratitude
I throw thy name against the bruising stones,
Trampling contemptuously on thy disdain.
And here is writ ‘Love-wounded Proteus’.
Poor wounded name, my bosom as a bed
Shall lodge thee till thy wound be throughly healed;
And thus I search it with a sovereign kiss.
But twice or thrice was ‘Proteus’ written down.
Be calm, good wind, blow not a word away
Till I have found each letter in the letter
Except mine own name. That, some whirlwind bear
Unto a ragged, fearful, hanging rock
And throw it thence into the raging sea.
Lo, here in one line is his name twice writ:
‘Poor forlorn Proteus’, ‘passionate Proteus’,
‘To the sweet Julia’—that I’ll tear away.
And yet I will not, sith so prettily
He couples it to his complaining names.
Thus will I fold them, one upon another.
Now kiss, embrace, contend, do what you will.
Enter Lucetta
LUCETTA
Madam, dinner is ready, and your father stays.
JULIA Well, let us go.
LUCETTA
What, shall these papers lie like telltales here?
JULIA
If you respect them, best to take them up.
LUCETTA
Nay, I was taken up for laying them down.
Yet here they shall not lie, for catching cold.
JULIA
I see you have a month’s mind to them.
LUCETTA
Ay, madam, you may say what sights you see.
I see things too, although you judge I wink.
JULIA Come, come, will’t please you go?
Exeunt
1.3 Enter Antonio and Panthino
ANTONIO
Tell me, Panthino, what sad talk was that
Wherewith my brother held you in the cloister?
PANTHINO
‘Twas of his nephew Proteus, your son.
ANTONIO
Why, what of him?
Would suffer him to spend his youth at home
While other men, of slender reputation,
Put forth their sons to seek preferment out—
Some to the wars, to try their fortune there,
Some to discover islands far away,
Some to the studious universities.
For any or for all these exercises
He said that Proteus your son was meet,
And did request me to importune you
To let him spend his time no more at home,
Which would be great impeachment to his age
In having known no travel in his youth.
ANTONIO
Nor need’st thou much importune me to that
Whereon this month I have been hammering.
I have considered well his loss of time,
And how he cannot be a perfect man,
Not being tried and tutored in the world.
Experience is by industry achieved,
And perfected by the swift course of time.
Then tell me, whither were I best to send him?
PANTHINO
I think your lordship is not ignorant
How his companion, youthful Valentine,
Attends the Emperor in his royal court.
ANTONIO I know it well.
PANTHINO
‘Twere good, I think, your lordship sent him thither.
There shall he practise tilts and tournaments,
Hear sweet discourse, converse with noblemen,
And be in eye of every exercise
Worthy his youth and nobleness of birth.
ANTONIO
I like thy counsel. Well hast thou advised,
And that thou mayst perceive how well I like it,
The execution of it shall make known.
Even with the speediest expedition
I will dispatch him to the Emperor’s court.
PANTHINO
Tomorrow, may it please you, Don Alfonso,
With other gentlemen of good esteem,
Are journeying to salute the Emperor
And to commend their service to his will.
ANTONIO
Good company. With them shall Proteus go.
Enter Proteus with a letter. He does not see Antonio and Panthino
And in good time. Now will we break with him.
PROTEUS Sweet love, sweet lines, sweet life!
Here is her hand, the agent of her heart.
Here is her oath for love, her honour’s pawn.
O that our fathers would applaud our loves
To seal our happiness with their consents.
O heavenly Julia!
ANTONIO
How now, what letter are you reading there?
PROTEUS
May’t please your lordship, ‘tis a word or two
Of commendations sent from Valentine,
Delivered by a friend that came from him.
ANTONIO
Lend me the letter. Let me see what news.
PROTEUS
There is no news, my lord, but that he writes
How happily he lives, how well beloved
And daily gracèd by the Emperor,
Wishing me with him, partner of his fortune.
ANTONIO
And how stand you affected to his wish?
PROTEUS
As one relying on your lordship’s will,
And not depending on his friendly wish.
ANTONIO
My will is something sorted with his wish.
Muse not that I thus suddenly proceed,
For what I will, I will, and there an end.
I am resolved that thou shalt spend some time
With Valentinus in the Emperor’s court.
What maintenance he from his friends receives,
Like exhibition thou shalt have from me.
Tomorrow be in readiness to go.
Excuse it not, for I am peremptory.
PROTEUS
My lord, I cannot be so soon provided.
Please you deliberate a day or two.
ANTONIO
Look what thou want’st shall be sent after thee.
No more of stay. Tomorrow thou must go.
Come on, Panthino. You shall be employed
To hasten on his expedition.
Exeunt Antonio and Panthino
PROTEUS
Thus have I shunned the fire for fear of burning
And drenched me in the sea where I am drowned.
I feared to show my father Julia’s letter
Lest he should take exceptions to my love,