This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
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v4.1
a
For Kristina (KPT) , who always makes me laugh even when life gets crazy
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Who’s Who
Act 1
Scene 1
Scene 2
Act 2
Scene 1
Scene 2
Act 3
Scene 1
Scene 2
Act 4
Scene 1
Scene 2
Act 5
Scene 1
The 411 for Those Not in the Know
Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book
About the Authors
Who’s Who
Four lovers
Hermia
Lysander
Helena
Demetrius
Theseus, duke of Athens
Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons
Egeus, Hermia’s dad
Philostrate, Theseus’s party planner
Bottom, a weaver (and an actor)
Quince, a carpenter (and a director)
Flute, a bellows mender (WTF? Also an actor)
Snout, a tinker (and an actor)
Snug, a joiner
Starveling, a tailor
Oberon, king of the fairies
Titania, queen of the fairies
Puck, a mischievous sprite
Titania’s fairy servants
Peaseblossom
Cobweb
Mote
Mustardseed
[Scene 1]
Theseus
OMG, I can’t wait to get married!
Four more days! I’m not sure I can last that long.
Hippolyta
me neith! 4 more sleeps. it’ll be here before u know it.
Theseus
I have a special for you: I’ve hired actors to put on a play in our honor.
Hippolyta
rly?? o, babe. u r 2 good 2 me!
g2g. i’ve used up like 50% of my data this month, ugh. h8 payin’ those fees!
Theseus
No prob, qt. It’s going to be THE party of the year.
Group text: Egeus, Theseus, Hermia
Egeus
Good day, Theseus. Can you see this?
Theseus
Hey, pal. I can see this. Why the ?
Egeus
I don’t know. My daughter, Hermia, downloaded this app onto my . I’m still learning!
Theseus
Ha! So, what’s up?
Egeus
I am so ! It’s Hermia, actually.
Demetrius has my permission to marry her. But apparently she’s in love with Lysander.
It’s ridiculous! This isn’t how her future is supposed to be.
I’m in quite a .
Theseus
Think you mean pickle. That’s a cactus.
Egeus
I told you, I don’t know what I’m doing!
Anyway, can I exercise my right as her father and make her obey me? Either she listens to me and marries Demetrius …or I have her killed, tbh.
Hermia
DAD! You know you started a group chat, right?
I can see everything you’re writing. INCLUDING KILLING ME.
Egeus
Oops. I told you I wasn’t ready for this kind of !
Theseus
Is this true, Hermia? You know the rules. Listen to your . Demetrius is a good man.
Hermia
So is Lys! Dad just won’t take the to get to know him.
Theseus
Sure. But you have to what your father is saying. ~Fathers know best.~ There’s a whole day dedicated to them in June, ya know.
Let Demetrius put a on it, won’t cha?
Hermia
Ugh, but no one things the way I them.
What’s the worst thing that will happen if I don’t marry Dem?
Theseus
You’ll either be put to death , or you’ll have to become a nun. Sorry not sorry.
Hermia
FINE. I’d rather waste away than marry someone I’m not into.
Theseus
Why don’t you take some more to think about this?
Tell ya what, four days from now—eee, btw when I get married! —I’ll give you three choices: 1) you marry Demetrius, 2) you become a nun, or 3) ya die.
Hermia
These choices suck!
Why are you so quick to agree with my without even considering my feelings?
Theseus
Hmm. You make a good point. I need to know what Demetrius and Lysander have to say about all this. Let’s get them in on this group chat. Will you text them, Egeus? If you can figure it out, that is.
Egeus has invited Demetrius and Lysander into the group message.
Egeus
Demetrius?
Demetrius
Egeus! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Egeus
I GOT THE HANG OF IT!
Kind of.
Anyway…Demetrius! My main man. Tell Theseus what you told me about Hermia.
Demetrius
Well, to make a long story short…I want to marry my sweetie!
And I want Lysander to Back. The Eff. Off.
Lysander
Dude. NMF. If you and her father each other so much, why don’t YOU two get married?
Theseus, I’m just as good as Demetrius. And Hermia actually wants me, which should count for something.
Egeus
I don’t know about that.
Lysander
Demetrius isn’t as innocent or good as you think he is. He’s no .
Did you know that he made that poor girl Helena fall in love with him? Yep. That innocent girl is head over for him even though he wants nothing to do with her!
Demetrius
Oh, PLEASE.
Demetrius
That is and you know it.
Theseus
Actually, Demetrius, I had heard rumors of that. Thx for confirming, Lysander. I think we need to chat offline.
Hermia
HA!
Theseus
But I’m sorry, Hermia. We have to go by the law. Either you marry Demetrius…or get thee to a nunnery.
LOL! Sorry. Heard that in a play recently and have wanted to say it ever since.
You have four days to decide. TTYL!
Hermia
Lysander
What’s wrong, boo? I’m so sorry about that whole thing.
Hermia
This whole situation blows.
Lysander
I know. But lots of have to put up with before they can get married.
Sometimes they come from different backgrounds.
Hermia
Right. A “she’s too rich and he’s too poor” kind of love story. Got it.
Lysander
Or age is the problem.
Hermia
Yes, she’s barely 14 and he’s pushing 40. Like that would happen. ::eye roll::
Lysander
Or the parents don’t want them together.
Hermia
Gee, THAT doesn’t sound familiar at all.
Lysander
My point is, there are lots of hurdles when it comes to . But it usually works out in the end.
Hermia
Promise?
Maybe we just have to be patient.
Lysander
That’s the spirit! I have a plan.
My gold digger of an aunt lives twenty miles away. Let’s leave Athens and go THERE to get married. Athens’s laws won’t be able to touch us there.
Sneak out tomorrow night and meet me in the outside of town.
Hermia
I’ll be there. I love you so much, Lys!
Hermia
Hey, beautiful!
Helena
me?? ya right. if i’m so beautiful, then why doesn’t demetrius like me?
why can’t i be more like u? why can’t i BE u? then he’d want me for sure.
Hermia
Girl, calm down. You know I DO NOT want Dem.
Helena
but he still loves u! the more i love him, the more he hates me, i swear.
Hermia
Don’t worry about Dem and me, k? I’m looking out for you. #yesallwomen
I texted you because I’m running away with Lys tomorrow.
I can’t stay in Athens anymore. Pray for Lys and me! And I’ll pray that Dem finally realizes he loves you as much as you love him!
Helena
wish i may, wish i might, have this wish i wish tonight. thinkin of my bestie! & hopin for the i to finally recognize me. xo
REPLY
[Scene 2]
Group text: Quince, Bottom, Flute, Starveling, Snout, Snug
Quince
Hi, everyone! I’m so pumped to talk to you guys today about an exciting opportunity! You’re the best actors I know in all of Athens, which means I need you to be in the play we’re going to put on for Theseus and Hippolyta’s wedding! It’s gonna be perfect.
Bottom
Bottom here, reporting for duty!
I heard about their wedding, but I had no idea we’d get to be part of it. Cool. Tell us about the play. Who’s going to get some starring roles?
Quince
It’s called “A Very Tragic Comedy About the Horrible Deaths of Pyramus and Thisbe.”
Isn’t that delightful
Bottom
Hilarious! I’m dying of laughter. Now, srsly, the roles?
Quince
Since you’re so eager, Bottom, you’ll be playing the , Pyramus.
Bottom
Who dat? Is he an or a ?
Quince
He’s a good guy.
Who kills himself for love.
Bottom
NP. I’ll make that audience feel every I shed.
Quince
Flute, you’ll be Thisbe.
Flute
OMG, yesss. The other person in the play’s title! Guess I’m a too.
Who is he?
Quince
Thisbe is the Pyramus loves.
Flute
I’m playing a WOMAN??
But I’ve been growing a BEARD! #practicingformovember
Quince
It’s fiiine. You’ll wear a mask and you’ll raise your voice as high as you can. So glad you’re on board!
Starveling, you’ll be Thisbe’s mother.
Starveling
Aw, I birthed you, Flute.
Flute
Quince
Snout, you’ll be Pyramus’s father.
Snout
LOL. K.
Quince
And, Snug, you’ll be the lion!
Snug
That’s a tiger.
Quince
Same difference!
And that’s the whole cast! It’s going to be marvelous.
Snug
Do you have my lines ready? I need to start memorizing!
Quince
Ooh. About that. You don’t have any lines, just sound effects. Lots of roaring. You can improvise!
Bottom
Let me play the lion! Grrr. In fact, I’ll play ALL the parts—even Thisbe!
Quince
Nope. You’re the only one handsome enough to play Pyramus.
Bottom
Snug
Snout
Starveling
Flute
Quince
Terrific! So happy we’re all on the same page.
I’ll email your scripts. Please memorize your lines by tomorrow night. Meet me in the and we’ll rehearse. Be there or be , LOL. JK!
[Scene 1]
Oberon
Soooo…wanna explain what’s going on?
That new from India should be one of my knights, not hanging out with you.
Titania
I can’t even with you.
Oberon
Excuse me. As my wife, you’re supposed to, IDK, listen to me!
Titania
You’re pulling the MARRIAGE card? OK, then! Maybe you’d like to explain why you’re sooo in with Hippolyta. You keep leaving our to woo her, and everyone knows it.
Oberon
HDU. Also, you’re such a hypocrite. As if you aren’t completely into Theseus. Psh. You’ve sabotaged all his relationships because of it.
Titania
Liiiiiies!
I’m so tired of arguing. It keeps interrupting every meeting I have with my fairies. And because of it, everything has been all mixed up since the beginning of summer. The is off its axis! All the seasons are screwed up.
#hotmess
Oberon
Fix it, then!
By letting the new kid hang out with my friends and me.
Titania
No way. I promised his I’d take care of him right before she died giving birth to him. A little detail you like to overlook.
Oberon
I’m over you. How long are you staying in the forest?
Titania
IDK. Maybe until after Theseus’s marriage.
The fairies and I are celebrating tonight. I guess you can come if you get over yourself. Otherwise, leave us alone and we’ll do the same for you.