Old news
Only choice
Original copy
Partially complete
Perfect mismatch
Personal business
Practical joke
Preliminary conclusion
Pretty bad
Pretty ugly
Random pattern
Really unreal
Rolling stop
Same difference
Saying nothing
Self-help
Singles club
Small fortune
Small crowd
Suicide victim
Terribly good
Totally partial
Virtual reality
Well-known secret
PUNS AND MALAPROPISMS
Stuffy intellectuals might put this section in the next chapter as one of the ugly sides of our language. Hummmph! I chose to make it the climactic topic on the beauty of the English language. Puns are great mental exercise and entertainment. They keep our brains observing language and learning its fascinating elements. They bring smiles, even when they are weak or painful attempts at humor that are punctuated with moans and sighs. Most puns are also highly transient because it is usually diffcult to recreate the context and mood that inspired a specific play on words.
Edgar Allen Poe said, “The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.” I will never understand why puns have such a bad name. Ambrose Bierce described puns as a “form of wit to which wise men stoop and fools aspire.” Perfect! By that definition, puns are the wit of the common man. They are the primary reason why English is such an attractive language for comedians and why the language is so much fun to use and observe. There are puns almost everywhere just dying for you to discover them by exercising your wit
Dictionary.com defines pun as a play on words:
Pun: the humorous use of a word or phrase to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words.
Here are a few good puns about puns.
The pun is mightier than the word.
A pun is its own reword.
Sharpen your pun cells, my fellow pun pals, and let’s get to wit.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
A pun is the lowest form of humor, but poetry is much verse.
These are a few classic puns that illustrate more of the breadth of word play possible.
Did you know that a white lie is aversion of the truth?
Most pessimists have a B-negative blood type.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain at the dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
If pro is the opposite of con, progress must be the opposite of congress.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies (Mr. Toad’s epitaph).
Tennis players don’t marry because love means nothing to them.
One thing you can give and still keep is your word.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a grin.
He who laughs, lasts.
A milkmaid who works on a farm is likely to have a prominent dairy air.
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, “Do you smell fish?”
That last one is my favorite because it usually takes a few seconds to sink in. The key discriminator for puns is that they are intentional; the writer or speaker intends to be humorous. “No pun intended” is an after-the-fact observation of a coincidental play on words. If the punster intends to use a pun, it is humorous. If the pun just happens coincidentally, and this is quite common, it is frequently even more humorous. It is surprising that so many people feel the need to apologize. My informal research suggests that at least one in ten did. An unintentionally humorous word selection that is a mistake of ignorance or carelessness is called a malapropism.
Malapropism: an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, especially by the confusion of words that are similar in sound.
Probably the foremost example of a priceless malapropism is, “I resemble that remark!” uttered by Curly, one of the Three Stooges. He clearly meant to say, “I resent that remark!” His malapropism tickles the funny bone of most slapstick aficionados.
Baseball is 90 percent mental and the other half is physical.
It’s like déjà vu all over again.
When you come to the fork in the road, take it.
I never said most of the things I said.
Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.
One of my know-it-all college pals uttered one of my favorite malapropisms. I was too young and stupid to recognize it as a malapropism, but it was funny then and is still funny today. Five of us were debating a trivial issue: whether a VW should have its oil changed every 3000 miles or every 6000 miles. As the discussion heated up, Mr. Know-It-All got fed up and shouted, “Walker, you are such an obstetrician!” I knew he meant that I was obstinate, since he frequently misused words in silly ways, so I responded, “Well, I am also ignorant, and I am going to ignore that last moronic comment.” He replied, “You are totally ignorant!” My response was, “You don’t even know what the word ignorant means.” His priceless response: “I do too. It means that you don’t get along well with people!” It was a hat trick: He committed a malapropism, failed to see the humor in my reply, then helped me define the word ignorant in a way I have never forgotten. The moral of this story is clear: Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Redefinitions (or neologisms) are another form of wordplay that shines a spotlight on the beauty of English by exposing some of the ambiguities in word structure and composition. A neologism is a newly coined term that may be in common use but is not an accepted word. Neologisms are often directly attributed to a specific person or context.
The Washington Post has collected and published humorous neologisms for years. Here are a few excellent examples.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk
Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver
Population (n.), that nice sensation you get when drinking carbonated soda
Nincompoop (n.), the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation
Discussion (n.), a Frisbee-related head injury
Flattery (n.), a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only
The Washington Post also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary; alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter; and supply a new definition. Here are some of those masterpieces.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly
Cashtration (n.): the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
Bozone (n.): the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
Karmageddo
n: end of the world due to a build up of bad vibes
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
Ignoranus: a person who’s both stupid and an asshole
Polarvoid: the state of having no baby pictures, a condition that usually befalls the second-born child
Apocalypstic: the little smudge I came home with on my collar that makes my wife act like it’s the end of the world
Accimental: caused by a Freudian slip
Algaebra: what the Little Mermaid wears over her chest
Aliass: a body double for a nude scene
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank
Here are several of my favorite jokes. Again, funny is in the eye of the beholder. I behold these as funny, and I hope they put an exclamation point on my assertion that our language is beautiful.
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? The poor guy would stay up all night wondering whether there really was a dog or not.
If you were flying over the Mojave Desert in your canoe and one of your wheels fell off, how many pancakes would it take to cover an outhouse? Answer: None, because there are no bones in ice cream.
What’s new? See over lamb, duh (physics humor).
When they exhumed Beethoven, they found him decomposing.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? Hop in.
CHAPTER 3
Abuse, Misuse, and Obtuse Use of English
The flexibility and diversity that give English such beauty and power have a downside. English is a complex language with many rules of grammar, many exceptions to those rules, and a limitless set of styles. Word selection can be complicated by context, tone, emphasis, and an author’s desired effect. This complexity makes it easy and common to misuse words, misuse styles, and misuse grammar. We all do it every now and then. This chapter synthesizes some of the sloppier and more annoying patterns of English usage. While sloppiness does not always get in the way of making your point, it is often distracting, wasteful, or inefficient. Learning more about these patterns and observing how others use them will give you insight into your style and help you improve it so that listeners can understand you more clearly, more quickly, and more memorably.
VERBOSITY
In almost every discipline there is a common theme for improvement: simplification. The simplest communications are usually the best communications. Perhaps this is more of an American problem: Our culture too often views more as better. This is simply not true in communicating. William Zinsser said it best in his classic book, On Writing Well:
“Clutter is the disease of American writing. We are a society strangling in unnecessary words, circular construction, pompous frills and meaningless jargon.”
Where does this clutter occur? Everywhere. It is amazing how often we cram too much information into too little space, and it seems to be getting worse. We write 1000 words where 100 would suffice; we take 30 minutes to express a thought that deserves only 5 minutes. Most presentations in business, government, and education have resorted to 6 and 8 point fonts to cram in all the backup details about each and every tree so that we have a devil of a time trying to focus on what forest we are reviewing. The key messages get lost and we remember nothing.
Watch a cable news show: It is difficult to follow a story because you are distracted by the crawl and by the multiple pictures within the picture showing teasers for other stories. View a website: It is difficult to concentrate on the information you seek because of the multi-media ads competing for your attention.
In elementary school, teachers don’t ask students to write something less than a certain length. They say to write something at least a certain length. Without this practice, children would take the easy road and get little practice in writing. At some point, though, someone has to teach them the difference between writing and writing well. Although an emphasis on quantity is a good way to practice most skills, when it comes to exploiting that skill under game conditions, quality is the more important attribute. Professional golfers spend a lifetime hitting balls on the practice range so they can take the fewest strokes on the golf course. The same should apply to many communications and to choosing words, sentences, and paragraphs.
Some nonfiction books could condense 200 pages of content into 50 and most readers would better understand and remember the author’s intent. In fiction, authors may intentionally paint a very detailed picture of a scene, feeling, or situation to elicit the full sensory response they want the reader to experience. My opinions in this chapter focus primarily on the annoying habits of some nonfiction writers.
We speak and write verbosely, using as many fluffy, multi-syllabic words as we can think of when we only need one simple, straightforward word. Here are a few examples of long-windedness that you hear every day.
Verbose
Concise
a considerable amount of
much
a large number of
many
along the lines of
like
afford an opportunity
let
at the present time
now
at some future time
later
at the conclusion of
after
at this point in time
now
be in possession of
have
be of the opinion that
believe (or think)
don’t hesitate to call
call
due to the fact that
because
each and every
each (or every)
exhibits a tendency
tends
fail to comply with
violate
for the purpose of
to
gives consideration to
considers
had occasion to be
was
has the capability of
can
he is a man who
he is
I might add
(nothing)
in accordance with
by
in advance of
before
in conjunction with
with
in spite of the fact that
although
in the event that
if
in the near future
soon
in a timely manner
promptly
in order to
to
is indicative of
indicates
it should be pointed out
(nothing)
it is interesting to note
(nothing)
it is clear that
clearly
it is often the case that
frequently
lacked the ability to
couldn’t
on the order of
about
owing to the fact that
because
postpone until later
postpone
provides guidance to
guides
send a communication to
notify
take into consideration
consider
utilize
use
was capable of
could
with the exception of
except
Zinsser summarized this sort of verbosity well:
“Just as insidious are all the word clusters with which we explain how we propose to go about our explaining: ‘I might add,’ ‘It should be pointed out,’ ‘It is interesting to note.’ If you might add, add it. If it should be pointed out, point it out. If it is interesting to note, make it interesting; are we not all stupefied by what follows when someone says, ‘This will interest you’? Don’t inflate what needs no inflating: ‘wi
th the possible exception of’ (except), ‘due to the fact that’ (because), ‘he totally lacked the ability to’ (he couldn’t), ‘until such time as’ (until), ‘for the purpose of’ (for).”
It is much harder to speak concisely than to write concisely. A great exercise for speakers is to read transcripts of their verbal presentations. The experience is humbling. I squirmed with discomfort the first time I read transcripts of my own presentations. I was forced to observe myself from a perspective I couldn’t see when speaking, and I was appalled at how illiterate I sounded. This exercise allows you to “hear” yourself as others hear you. It is a powerful technique that forms the basis of many self-help and spiritual awareness lessons.
Another great exercise for any aspiring writer is to endure the process of professional copy editing. No lesson accelerates learning like being critiqued and manhandled by a good copy editor. I was lucky to experience the process of writing page-limited proposals early in my career. It was humbling but eyeopening to see how my three-page technical exposition on some topic could be whittled down to one page. Furthermore, in the savagely edited version, my argument and its key points usually jumped off the page, in stark contrast to my original draft. The process of copy editing is an intense lesson on observing your own communications.
We never stop learning. When I submitted this chapter to my copy editor, I thought it was pretty clean. I had worked the material through several rewrites and was reasonably comfortable with its punch, brevity, and tone. After the first edit, the number of words was cut by 7%. In our final pass, Another 1% hit the cutting room floor. I love my editor.