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    The Language of Flowers

    Page 29
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      The vineyard was silent. Hazel pulled away from Elizabeth, looking out over the grapevines, to the house. Her sleepy eyes tracked the roofline to the upstairs windows. When she turned in my direction, she startled, as if she’d forgotten I was there, and then she smiled, a slow, shy, radiant smile. Reaching for me, she squealed in delight, and the high-pitched noise broke a fine line into my nut-covered heart as cleanly as it would have split a delicate crystal glass.

      I pulled her to me. We slid down from the tractor and crouched in the vines. Hazel pressed her face into a cluster of grapes, and I joined her. Picking one, I pierced it open with my teeth and gave a tiny sliver to Hazel. She had already been taught. Together we chewed the skin, swished the soft middle from cheek to cheek.

      I smiled. 75/7. The grapes were ripe.

      7.

      I placed my blue box on the bookshelf, in the empty space next to Grant’s orange one. The cloth-covered boxes fit snuggly between a botany textbook and a poetry anthology, in the space they’d occupied when Grant and I had lived in the water tower together the year before.

      It was Thanksgiving Day. All morning I’d helped Grant, chopping vegetables and whipping potatoes and cutting roses for the table. Any moment, Elizabeth would arrive. Hazel, too. Grant wanted everything to be perfect. When I’d left him in the kitchen, he’d been pacing in front of the gravy, checking the temperature of the oven often enough to let out most of the hot air. The turkey wouldn’t be ready until late evening, but it didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t going anywhere.

      I’d left the vineyard only twice since tasting the grapes with my daughter, once to help Marlena with a five-hundred-guest wedding—our biggest yet—and the second time, just the day before, to pack up my things. After emptying the apartment, I’d driven to The Gathering House and knocked on the front door, offering free rent in exchange for work as a floral assistant. Two girls volunteered, and I hired them on the spot, driving them back to the apartment. Marlena had been waiting, nervous, and I watched as she showed the girls around and then went over the calendar. They listened quietly as she described the many tasks for which they would be responsible. Afterward, I turned to leave, confident I would not be needed in the near future, but Marlena pulled me aside, desperation in her eyes. “But they don’t know the flowers,” she’d whispered.

      “Neither did you,” I’d reminded her, but she didn’t look entirely reassured. I promised her I’d be back, soon. I just needed a little more time.

      Pulling Grant’s heavy green duffel bag to the third floor, I thought about the promise I’d made to Marlena. I loved Message, loved the look on my brides’ faces when I handed over their wedding scrolls, loved the thank-you cards that poured in every day with the mail. We were building something, Marlena and I. Bethany and Ray had already booked Message for their first, fifth, and tenth wedding anniversaries. Bethany credited me for the fulfillment she’d found in her relationship; I credited her with the growing success of my business. I would not let her down, and I would not let Marlena down, either.

      It would be possible, someday, to have a business and a family, both. I would commute back to San Francisco in the mornings and return in time for dinner like any other working mother. I would pick Hazel up from Elizabeth’s and buckle her into her car seat, drive her back to the flower farm, and sit with her at the long dining room table. Grant would have dinner made, and we would chop Hazel’s food into tiny pieces and talk about our day, marveling over the growth of our businesses, our daughter, our love. On days off we would take Hazel to the beach, Grant carrying her on his shoulders until she was old enough to run safely among the waves, her footprints in the sand growing with each passing month.

      One day, I would be able to do it all.

      But not yet.

      Right now, I knew it would require all my strength and attention to rejoin my family. Though she was worried, Marlena understood. The task ahead of me was great. I needed to accept Grant’s love, and Elizabeth’s, and earn the love of my daughter. I needed to never, under any circumstance, leave any of them again.

      The idea filled me with equal parts joy and terror.

      I’d lived with Grant before, and failed. I’d lived with Elizabeth; I’d lived with Hazel. Each time, I had failed.

      This time, I told myself, looking around Grant’s old bedroom, it would be different. This time, I would take smaller steps, and enter our unconventional family in a way that I knew I could handle. From breast-feeding I had learned the dangers of throwing myself fully into something and risking a complete collapse. It was why I had decided, for now, to live in the water tower alone. Hazel would remain with Elizabeth, visiting more and more often, and for longer periods of time. As my fear eventually turned to trust—in my family, but mostly in myself—I would move in to the main house with Grant, and we would bring Hazel to live with us. Less than a mile away, Elizabeth would be our support. And the water tower, Grant promised, would always be mine for a brief escape, a moment of solitude. It was everything I needed to stay.

      I unzipped my bag and began to transfer my belongings, stacking jeans and T-shirts and shoes in the corners, hanging blouses and belts on a row of rusty nails on the wall. Outside, the front gate squeaked open. I went to the window and watched Elizabeth push a stroller through the opening, returning to latch the gate. Hazel’s patent-leather shoes peeked out from beneath a wide canvas hat, pulled low to shield the sun from her face.

      I found my only dress inside the duffel bag and shook it out. Undressing quickly, I slipped it over my head. The dress was a black cotton shirtwaist with a thin, cloth-covered belt of the same fabric. I pushed my feet into my dark red flats and fastened a crystal necklace Elizabeth had given me around my neck, one Hazel liked to grab.

      Combing my fingers through my short hair, I returned to the window. Elizabeth had reached the bottom porch step, where she braked the stroller and pushed up the shade. Hazel squinted into the sunlight. Her eyes traveled up the water tower, and I waved from behind the third-story window. She smiled and reached up, as if wanting me to pull her out of the stroller.

      Elizabeth saw her outstretched arms and leaned over to pick her up. With the baby on her hip, she reached under the stroller and pulled something out of a storage area beneath the seat, holding it up for me to see.

      A ladybug-shaped backpack. Inside, I knew, were Hazel’s pajamas, diapers, and a change of clothes. Elizabeth’s face was joyful and determinedly brave; mine, I knew, was the same. Looking at my daughter filled me with a love I once thought myself incapable of feeling, and I thought about what Grant had said the afternoon I reappeared in his rose garden. If it was true that moss did not have roots, and maternal love could grow spontaneously, as if from nothing, perhaps I had been wrong to believe myself unfit to raise my daughter. Perhaps the unattached, the unwanted, the unloved, could grow to give love as lushly as anyone else.

      Tonight, my daughter would spend the night for the first time. We would read books and rock in her rocking chair. Afterward, we would try to sleep. Maybe she would be scared, and maybe I would feel overwhelmed, but we would try again the next week and the one after that. Over time, we would learn each other, and I would learn to love her like a mother loves a daughter, imperfectly and without roots.

      Victoria’s Dictionary of Flowers

      Abutilon (Abutilon) … Meditation

      Acacia (Acacia) … Secret love

      Acanthus (Acanthus) … Artifice

      Agapanthus (Agapanthus) … Love letter

      Allium (Allium) … Prosperity

      Almond blossom (Amygdalus communis) … Indiscretion

      Aloe (Aloe vera) … Grief

      Alstroemeria (Alstroemeria) … Devotion

      Alyssum (Lobularia maritima) … Worth beyond beauty

      Amaranth (Amaranthus) … Immortality

      Amaryllis (Hippeastrum) … Pride

      Anemone (Anemone) … Forsaken

      Angelica (Angelica pachycarpa) … Inspiration

      Apple (Malus domestica) … Tem
    ptation

      Apple blossom (Malus domestica) … Preference

      Aster (Aster) … Patience

      Azalea (Rhododendron) … Fragile and ephemeral passion

      Baby’s breath (Gypsophila paniculata) … Everlasting love

      Bachelor’s button (Centaurea cyanus) … Single blessedness

      Basil (Ocimum basilicum) … Hate

      Bay leaf (Laurus nobilis) … I change but in death

      Begonia (Begonia) … Caution

      Bellflower (Campanula) … Gratitude

      Bells of Ireland (Moluccella laevis) … Good luck

      Bird of paradise (Strelitzia reginae)… Magnificence

      Blackberry (Rubus)… Envy

      Black-eyed Susan (Rudbeckia)… Justice

      Bluebell (Hyacinthoides non-scripta) … Constancy

      Bougainvillea (Bougainvillea spectabilis) … Passion

      Bouvardia (Bouvardia) … Enthusiasm

      Broom (Cytisus) … Humility

      Buttercup (Ranunculus acris) … Ingratitude

      Cabbage (Brassica oleracea) … Profit

      Cactus (Opuntia)… Ardent love

      Calla lily (Zantedeschia aethiopica) … Modesty

      Camellia (Camellia) … My destiny is in your hands

      Candytuft (Iberis) … Indifference

      Canterbury bells (Campanula medium) … Constancy

      Carnation, pink (Dianthus caryophyllus) … I will never forget you

      Carnation, red (Dianthus caryophyllus) … My heart breaks

      Carnation, striped (Dianthus caryophyllus) … I cannot be with you

      Carnation, white (Dianthus caryophyllus) … Sweet and lovely

      Carnation, yellow (Dianthus caryophyllus) … Disdain

      Celandine (Chelidonium majus) … Joys to come

      Chamomile (Matricaria recutita) … Energy in adversity

      Cherry blossom (Prunus cerasus) … Impermanence

      Chervil (Anthriscus) … Sincerity

      Chestnut (Castanea sativa) … Do me justice

      Chicory (Cichorium intybus) … Frugality

      Chrysanthemum (Chrysanthemum) … Truth

      Cinquefoil (Potentilla) … Beloved daughter

      Clematis (Clematis) … Poverty

      Clove (Syzygium aromaticum) … I have loved you and you have not known it

      Clover, white (Trifolium) … Think of me

      Cockscomb (Celosia) … Affectation

      Columbine (Aquilegia) … Desertion

      Coreopsis (Coreopsis) … Always cheerful

      Coriander (Coriandrum sativum) … Hidden worth

      Corn (Zea mays) … Riches

      Cosmos (Cosmos bipinnatus) … Joy in love and life

      Cowslip (Primula veris) … Pensiveness

      Crab-apple blossom (Malus hupehensis) … Ill-tempered

      Cranberry (Vaccinium) … Cure for heartache

      Crocus (Crocus) … Youthful gladness

      Currant (Ribes) … Thy frown will kill me

      Cyclamen (Cyclamen) … Timid hope

      Cypress (Cupressus) … Mourning

      Daffodil (Narcissus) … New beginnings

      Dahlia (Dahlia) … Dignity

      Daisy (Bellis) … Innocence

      Daisy, Gerber (Gerbera) … Cheerfulness

      Dandelion (Taraxacum) … Rustic oracle

      Daphne (Daphne) … I would not have you otherwise

      Daylily (Hemerocallis) … Coquetry

      Delphinium (Delphinium) … Levity

      Dianthus (Dianthus) … Make haste

      Dittany (Dictamnus albus) … Childbirth

      Dogwood (Cornus) … Love undiminished by adversity

      Dragon plant (Dracaena) … You are near a snare

      Edelweiss (Leontopodium alpinum) … Noble courage

      Elder (Sambucus) … Compassion

      Eucalyptus (Eucalyptus) … Protection

      Euphorbia (Euphorbia) … Persistence

      Evening primrose (Oenothera biennis) … Inconstancy

      Everlasting pea (Lathyrus latifolius) … Lasting pleasure

      Fennel (Foeniculum vulgare) … Strength

      Fern (Polypodiophyta) … Sincerity

      Fern, maidenhair (Adiantum capillus-veneris) … Secrecy

      Feverfew (Tanacetum parthenium) … Warmth

      Fig (Ficus carica) … Argument

      Flax (Linum usitatissimum) … I feel your kindness

      Forget-me-not (Myosotis) … Forget me not

      Forsythia (Forsythia) … Anticipation

      Foxglove (Digitalis purpurea) … Insincerity

      Freesia (Freesia) … Lasting friendship

      Fuchsia (Fuchsia) … Humble love

      Gardenia (Gardenia) … Refinement

      Gentian (Gentiana) … Intrinsic worth

      Geranium, oak-leaf (Pelargonium) … True friendship

      Geranium, pencil-leaf (Pelargonium) … Ingenuity

      Geranium, scarlet (Pelargonium) … Stupidity

      Geranium, wild (Pelargonium) … Steadfast piety

      Ginger (Zingiber) … Strength

      Gladiolus (Gladiolus) … You pierce my heart

      Goldenrod (Solidago) … Careful encouragement

      Grapevine (Vitis vinifera) … Abundance

      Grass (Poaceae) … Submission

      Hawthorn (Crataegus monogyna) … Hope

      Hazel (Corylus) … Reconciliation

      Heath (Erica) … Solitude

      Heather (Calluna vulgaris) … Protection

      Helenium (Helenium) … Tears

      Heliotrope (Heliotropium) … Devoted affection

      Hibiscus (Hibiscus) … Delicate beauty

      Holly (Ilex) … Foresight

      Hollyhock (Alcea) … Ambition

      Honesty (Lunaria annua) … Honesty

      Honeysuckle (Lonicera) … Devotion

      Hyacinth, blue (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Constancy

      Hyacinth, purple (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Please forgive me

      Hyacinth, white (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Beauty

      Hydrangea (Hydrangea) … Dispassion

      Ice plant (Carpobrotus chilensis) … Your looks freeze me

      Impatiens (Impatiens) … Impatience

      Iris (Iris) … Message

      Ivy (Hedera helix) … Fidelity

      Jacob’s ladder (Polemonium) … Come down

      Jasmine, Carolina (Gelsemium sempervirens) … Separation

      Jasmine, Indian (Jasminum multiflorum) … Attachment

      Jasmine, white (Jasminum officinale) … Amiability

      Jonquil (Narcissus jonquilla) … Desire

      Laburnum (Laburnum anagyroides) … Pensive beauty

      Lady’s slipper (Cypripedium) … Capricious beauty

      Lantana (Lantana) … Rigor

      Larch (Larix decidua) … Audacity

      Larkspur (Consolida) … Lightness

      Laurel (Laurus nobilis) … Glory and success

      Lavender (Lavandula) … Mistrust

      Lemon (Citrus limon) … Zest

      Lemon blossom (Citrus limon) … Discretion

      Lettuce (Lactuca sativa) … Coldheartedness

      Liatris (Liatris)… I will try again

      Lichen (Parmelia) … Dejection

      Lilac (Syringa) … First emotions of love

      Lily (Lilum) … Majesty

      Lily of the valley (Convallaria majalis) … Return of happiness

      Linden tree (Tilia) … Conjugal love

      Lisianthus (Eustoma) … Appreciation

      Lobelia (Lobelia) … Malevolence

      Lotus (Nelumbo nucifera) … Purity

      Love-in-a-mist (Nigella damascena) … Perplexity

      Love-lies-bleeding (Amaranthus caudatus) … Hopeless but not helpless

      Lungwort (Pulmonaria) … You are my life

      Lupine (Lupinus) … Imagination

      Magnolia (Magnolia) … Dignity

      Marigold (Calendula) … Grief

      Marjoram (Origanum) … Blushes

      Marsh marigold (Caltha palustris) … Desire for riches

      Meadow saffron (Colchicum autumnale) … My best days are past


      Meadowsweet (Filipendula ulmaria) … Uselessness

      Michealmas daisy (Aster amellus) … Farewell

      Mignonette (Reseda odorata) … Your qualities surpass your charms

      Mimosa (Mimosa) … Sensitivity

      Mistletoe (Viscum) … I surmount all obstacles

      Mock orange (Pittosporum undulatum) … Counterfeit

      Monkshood (Aconitum) … Chivalry

      Morning glory (Ipomoea) … Coquetry

      Moss (Bryopsida) … Maternal love

      Mullein (Verbascum) … Take courage

      Mustard (Brassica) … I am hurt

      Myrtle (Myrtus) … Love

      Narcissus (Narcissus) … Self-love

      Nasturtium (Tropaeolum majus) … Impetuous love

      Nettle (Urtica) … Cruelty

      Oats (Avena sativa) … The witching soul of music

      Oleander (Nerium oleander) … Beware

      Olive (Olea europaea) … Peace

      Orange (Citrus sinensis) … Generosity

      Orange blossom (Citrus sinensis) … Your purity equals your loveliness

      Orchid (Orchidaceae) … Refined beauty

      Oregano (Origanum vulgare) … Joy

      Pansy (Viola) … Think of me

      Parsley (Petroselinum crispum) … Festivity

      Passionflower (Passiflora) … Faith

      Peach (Prunus persica) … Your charms are unequaled

      Peach blossom (Prunus persica) … I am your captive

      Pear (Pyrus) … Affection

      Pear blossom (Pyrus) … Comfort

      Peony (Paeonia) … Anger

      Peppermint (Mentha) … Warmth of feeling

      Periwinkle (Vinca minor) … Tender recollections

      Persimmon (Diospyros kaki) … Bury me amid nature’s beauty

      Petunia (Petunia) … Your presence soothes me

      Phlox (Phlox) … Our souls are united

      Pineapple (Ananas comosus) … You are perfect

     


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