van's engine start, then the van pulled away. It was
smooth for a while, but not five minutes into the ride,
it suddenly became quite bumpy, and for us to bounce
sitting on this metal floor was not easy. It was at times
painful. We all screamed and shouted complaints, but
whoever was driving didn't hear us or care. The van
jostled and shook us as it went along. At times, the
driver turned so hard and sharply, we were thrown
from side to side. Finally, the ride became a lot
smoother.
"I'm going to strangle my mother darling when
I get away from here." Robin vowed. "She just wanted
to get me out of her hair while she tries to become a
famous country singing star. She didn't care where I
was sent. Just go, she told me. I'm better off. What she
really meant was she was better off. She could party
and carry on without worrying about me."
"What did your father have to say about it?"
Teal asked.
"I don't have a father. Mother darling got
pregnant when she was a teenager and my
grandparents made her have me as a punishment.
They are very religious and we had to live with them.
Mother darling's not sure who my father is. The best
she can remember is she was at a party where she had
sex with three. guys."
"Three in one night?" I asked.
"That's what she claimed."
"Some mother." Teal said.
"I didn't exactly have a choice, you know. From
the sound of things, you're not that much better off," "Yeah, well, at least I'm sure who my father is."
Teal said.
"Doesn't sound like he wants to be your father."
Robin batted back.
"How came you don't get along with your
parents?" I asked Teal. Talking at least passed the
time and stopped me from thinking about the horrible
ride.
"They had me late in their marriage. I was an
accident for sure." she replied bitterly. "I have a brother who's much older and he's by far the favorite. He works with my father in his business. Na one had any patience for me. I'm sure they're just as happy to
get rid of me as Robin's mother was to get rid of her." "She'll be sorry." Robin swore. "If she ever
does become famous. I'll tell the world how Mother
darling treated me."
"Why do you call her 'Mother darling'?" Teal
asked.
"Just to annoy her. You've heard of Mommie
Dearest, right?"
"Yeah," Teal said so vaguely I was sure she
hadn't. I hadn't but I didn't say so. What difference did
it make? I thought.
"My daddy wouldn't have put up with this," I
told them. "He was hoping to take me back as soon as
he got himself a position where he didn't have to be
on the road all the time."
"Sure he was," Teal said.
-He was!" I insisted. "If he didn't get himself
killed, my aunt and uncle would never dare to do
something like this to me."
"What about your mother?" Robin asked. I told her about how she had deserted us in
Atlanta and how I had gone looking for her in hopes
of our starting a new life.
"Get real. girl." Teal said. "Those kinds of
dreams are for girls who still believe in the tooth
fairy."
"I'll choose my own dreams, thank you," I said,
but not with a great deal of confidence.
They were both quiet for a while, thinking. I
guess in our secret heart of hearts, we were all longing
for someone who would care enough about us to keep
such cruel things from happening to us. Those kinds
of people were just impossible to find for the three of
us, I thought.
The van continued to ride over smoother roads.
After a while, especially because of all we had already
been through, the monotonous sound of the engine
and the squeaks and moans in the metal were
hypnotizing. We were all having a hard time keeping
ourselves awake,
"I'm tired," Robin said. "I can't believe how
tired I am. I feel like I just went through a torture
chamber."
"I hate to think what awaits us at Dr. Foreman's
funny farm." Teal said.
We were all silent again, each of us thinking
about that, I'm sure. I know I managed to drift off for a while, but when I wake, I was sore and achy all over I heard the other two rustling about. Finally, we felt the van turn sharply, speed up, bounce hard, then come to a stop. I didn't know about the other two. but I was sweating so much. I thought I would slide out of
the van.
The door was opened and we saw a pole light
shedding illumination on what looked like a gravel
driveway. M'Lady One was there at the opened doors. "Get out." she ordered.
We crawled to the doorway and climbed out of
the van. Across from us was a long, two-story, pitchroofed, pink-stucco Spanish colonial house with an
upper-level, full-length porch. The railings looked
quite fancy. I could see the six doors that opened onto
the porch. I imagined each one opened onto a room.
and I hoped each of us was to have one of those
rooms. All I could think of was dropping my head on
a pillow and curling up an a soft mattress.
"All right, follow us," M'Lady One ordered.
"This way." She started around the van.
Why weren't we going directly into the house? I
wondered, We were all so tired. Surely they were
tired. too. There just couldn't be more to this
orientation. The three of us stumbled after them. Robin kept looking from side to side like someone who wanted to break loose and run, but all I could see through the darkness was a corral, another barn, and a large shed. There was no road and there were definitely no other houses anywhere nearby. There were no cars going past and no sign of any road. Just a mountain range in the distance, silhouetted against the
blue black sky, now dazzling with stars.
Where were we exactly? I had no sense of
direction, but because of how long it had taken me to
get here by plane and van. I was sure I was at least
halfway across the country. It was a frightening
thought, to realize I was so far from anywhere and
anyone I knew. Vaguely, I wondered what my old
friends were doing at this moment. I envied them far
being asleep in their own beds. I even envied the ones
I knew shared beds with younger brothers or sisters. We were directed off to the right and brought to
what was outside showers. There were no stalls. just
three showerheads over a concrete floor,
'Get undressed and take your showers." M'Lady
Three commanded.
"This is a shower?" Teal muttered.
If M'Lady One heard her, she chose not to
acknowledge it. "You take a shower every night
before going to bed at Dr. Foreman's School." We were each handed a bar of coarse soap. a
stiff brush. a towel, and a small kit that included our
toothbrush, toothpaste, and a supply of tampons. None of us moved to undress. however. "Well?" my buddy said, glaring into my face.
"Let's get started. We don't have all night."
"Right out here, like this?" I asked. looking
around. It seemed deserted, but it was still getting
naked in full view of anyone.
"Always ask before speaking." she reminded
me. "Yes, right out here like this. Do it! You all stink
and the stench will keep you awake and bother
others."
Others? I thought. What others?
Robin began to take off her sack, then undo her
shoes and lower her socks. I followed, but Teal looked
like she was going to be defiant.
"You won't go to sleep until you do this." her
buddy told her. She started to undress.
The water was a shock. It wasn't just cold; it
was freezing. Every time we tried to get out from
under, they pushed us back and shouted. "Scrub!" I did it as fast as I could, Eventually. the other
two did the same. but it wasn't good enough for our buddies. They told us to do it again and scrub harder. The bristles of the brush were stiff and painful. Finally, we were told to step out and turn off the water. Even in the darkness. I could see how red and irritated Robin's and Teal's skin were. We dried off quickly and put the degrading outfits on to keep ourselves warm again, despite that the sacks stank and would defeat the purpose of the shower. I was afraid
to point it out. however,
"Let's move it." M'Lady Three commanded.
She still did not lead us toward the house. however.
Instead we were taken to an area off to our right
where the three of us saw our clothing piled, shoes
and all.
A sweet feeling of relief settled in me, as well
as the other two. "Finally," I heard Teal whisper. "No speaking," M'Lady Two screamed. We stood there obediently, waiting for the order
to fetch our clothes. To our surprise. M'Lady Three
went instead to a large open barrel beside them. She
lit a match and dropped it into the barrel. Instantly, a
flame shot up. Something very flammable was in the
barrel,
"Okay, girls," M'Lady One said. "Take those
clothes and throw them into the barrel."
"What?" Teal couldn't contain herself. "Burn
my clothes? Why?"
Out of the shadows as if she were formed from
darkness came Dr. Foreman.
"I know this seems hard to you, girls, but it is a
very, very important first step. What we are doing
here tonight is burning away the old you and
beginning your rebirths. This isn't just symbolic. It has
a great deal of psychological importance."
The fire crackled in the barrel,
But that's not the old me. That's my clothing,
my designer clothing!" Teal exclaimed.
For a long moment, no one spoke. Then Dr.
Foreman stepped a little closer,
"We'll stand here all night if we have to." she
warned, "It is essential to my system, my process, that
you all participate in your awn rebirths."
"This is really crazy." Teal muttered.
"I'm so tired. I don't care about anything
anymore," Robin declared, and went to the clothes, "Don't throw mine in there," Teal screamed at
her.
Robin picked out her own things and began to
toss them into the barrel. I followed after her and did
the same. Finally. Teal, standing alone, went to the remaining garments. Then, like someone giving up the
most precious jewels, dropped them into the barrel. "Good,- Dr. Foreman said. "You're all
beginning well. I'm proud of you girls, and to show
you my appreciation_. I'm giving you all plus five
points. You're now that much closer to receiving
comforts and privileges. M'ladies." she said, turning
to the buddies. "Show them to their sleeping
quarters."
Thank God. I thought. I followed along, my
head down, not realizing where we were going until
Teal moaned. We were standing at the barn.
M'Lady Two opened the door. We could see it
was well lit within.
"Home sweet home, girls," she said, standing
back.
"Home! What are you talking about? This is a
barn." Teal moaned.
"Demerit," M'Lady Three said. "Even though
Dr. Foreman rewarded you with five plus points, you
have one demerit from before and now a second. Two
demerits in one day qualify you for the Ice Room. Dr.
Foreman must be immediately informed. You could
go right to the Ice Room."
I raised my hand.
"Very good. Phoebe. Permission to speak.
Speak." M'Lady One said.
"Can't you be a little bit understanding? We're
confused and tired and this looks like a barn," It is a barn and we're not here to be
understanding. You were given the rules and you must
obey them. It's what we had to do and what we did."
M'Lady One looked at M'Lady Three. "It's up to you."
she told her. "-What do you want to do about Teal?" "I'll let this one slip, but consider it the one and
only time I M'Lady Three told Teal.
We were then ordered to enter.
Before us were five wooden cots lined up
beside each other.
Two had mattresses, pillows, and blankets on
them. The other three were just bare.
"Those three are yours," M'Lady One said,
pointing to the bare ones.
Robin raised her hand.
"Permission to speak," M'Ladv Two said. "There are no mattresses or anything on them." "You have to earn that," her buddy replied. "But... how...?"
"Reality checks. remember? You earn the
points and then you are rewarded with comforts. It's how it works. Here we earn everything we have, even ever morsel of food we eat. Whoever doesn't do her share, doesn't share. That includes water as well as
We all looked about despondently. The floor
literally had straw over it. The place smelled like a
real barn. The four windows had no curtains over
them. The walls were bare and there wasn't much of
an interior or any other furniture. Only by the two
beds that had mattresses, we saw what looked like two
small wooden chests.
Teal raised her hand.
"What?"
"Who sleeps on those?" she asked.
"Those are Gia Carson's and Mindy Levine's
beds, They've earned enough points to have an hour's
recreation time in the library where they can read
approved books and listen to approved music. They
will be back here momentarily. I now advise the three
of you to go to sleep."
"I'm sure my father didn't pay all that money
for me to sleep in a stinking barn." Teal declared. M'Lady Three stepped up so closely to her,
their noses almost collided. "Okay, you're not sleeping
in the barn. I'm sick of your whining. You've just lost
the privilege."
"Privilege?" Teal started to laugh, "You call
sleeping in a barn a privilege?"
M'Ladv Three nodded at the other two buddies,
who then picked up a bunk and carried it out the door. "Follow them." Teal was told. She looked to us
desperately for same help. but neither Robin nor I had
the courage to say a word. With her head down like a
flag of surrender, she walked out of the barn. I would
never have thought sleeping in a barn was so great,
but it had to be to be better than being out there. I
thought.
At the door. M'Lady Three turned to Robin and
me. "Go to sleep. You'll need every moment of rest
you can get, believe me."
She left, closing the door behind her.
"Any moment I'm going to wake up. Tell me
that's me. Tell me I'm in a dream, a nightmare, and it's
coming to an end," Robin muttered in the tone of a
prayer.
I just shook my head and sat on the first bare
wooden cot. The surface was hard, but I didn't care. "I'm so tired," I whispered.
The lights in the barn flickered in warning that
they would soon be out, then the door opened and two girls entered. The first was a diminutive girl with a mop of hair the color of black licorice. She had large, dark, haunted eyes with a small, delicate nose and thin lips turned down in the corners. Each girl was dressed in a pair of blue coveralls with a faded white shortsleeve shirt that looked more like a man's shirt than a
woman's. They wore the same ugly shoes. too. The second girl was tall and thin with hair so
pale yellow it looked almost white. It hung down like
dead straw over her ears, the bangs nearly over her
eves. My immediate thought was she was anorexic.
Her wrists were slim and bony. I imagined that a
strong handshake could shatter them. Her cheeks were
sunken. The skin on her face was so taut it was
transparent. Once, she must have had a pretty face. I
decided. She had high cheekbones and a nearly
perfect nose, but when she glanced our way, she never
changed expression or in any way showed that she
saw us. She looked more like someone dazed, moving
in her sleep.
Both girls diverted their eyes to the floor and
moved so softly, I had the sense they were floating in,
gliding toward their bunks. They said nothing to each
other, did nothing to indicate they were aware of each
other.
Robin looked at me with quizzical eyes and
shrugged.
The girls, still ignoring us, began to take off
their coveralls and their ugly shoes, caked with mud.
They did everything with great care as if they were
performing a delicate lifesaving operation: folding
their coveralls neatly and placing them in the chests
beside their bunks, rolling their white stockings down
and then again taking great pains to fold them
perfectly as well and placing them in the trunks, all
the while moving like two people in a hypnotic state. Neither girl ware what we called diapers. They