I’m living in Long Island City in a one-bedroom apartment, smaller than the one I lived in when I moved to the city in 1994. It works for me. I have everything I need. I haven’t had a drink or a drug in two and a half years now. It hasn’t been easy and some days are harder than others. My goal is no longer happiness but serenity. I have joint custody of my daughter, speak to her every day, and write every day. Though most of my money is gone, I’ve never been happier.
Six months ago a friend told me that if I write this book it will be the final nail in the coffin for my Wall Street career. At which point I said, “Give me the hammer.” To me, this book represents a beginning, a middle, and a new beginning. I wrote it for myself. Writing it is something I had to do. I don’t blame Wall Street, the buy side, drugs and alcohol, or anyone for my struggles. Writing about my experiences has shined an even brighter light on what’s wrong with this business. But when I look in the mirror, I don’t see Wall Street.
I felt no anger while writing this book. I’ve met so many amazing, intelligent, honest, and friendly people while working in the financial industry. It was not my intent to paint an unflattering picture of them. Good and bad people exist in every industry. Wall Street is no different.
But if you run a firm on the Street and for some reason you see me in a couple of years knocking on your door asking for a job, do me a favor. Just smile and say, “Not hiring.”
AFTER THE CLOSE
Every time I sit down to write, I close my eyes, put my hands over my heart, and say, “Acknowledgment, Intention, Gratitude, Humility.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENT
It’s not always our job to understand the universe, but we should acknowledge it.
Among the stars who populate my universe are Julie Flanders, Nathaniel Tilton, and Brian McDonald. Julie, your intuition, coaching, and kindness helped guide me back to my writer-self. I ended up in your office by chance and by chance I started writing again. Nathaniel, we started writing rhymes together back in the eighties. When we discovered we were both writing books at the same time, I felt I had the support of my childhood friend all over again. Brian, you taught me how to write a book proposal and saw something in between all of my fragments and run-ons that others may not have been able to. You’re a friend, mentor, and big brother.
Another glittering star is Lisa Leshne, my agent. Lisa, your determination, insight, and hard work brought life to this project. Everyone told me how hard it is to find an agent, especially a great one. I’m lucky. Your passion, honest feedback, and expertise helped me carry this book forward. You made it better.
Also shining bright is Rick Horgan. Rick, your sterling reputation as an editor frightened me at first, but your gentle and knowledgeable hand inspired and infinitely changed the scope of this book. I’m so grateful you believed in this story and pushed me to my limits. I wanted to cut a vein and leave it on the page because of you. Wow.
INTENTION
Help, heal, and entertain … The one question I’ve been asking myself the last few years is How do I get to keep writing? My intention is to do so.
GRATITUDE
There are so many friends and family who support me—here’s a short list: Lola Duff, Mom and Dad, Debbie, Kristin, and Kelly, Tucker Sine, Ethan and Lenore Duff, Rob and Eliza Sine, Gretchen Berg, Suzanne Turner, Jennifer and Claire Scully, the Gutkowskis, Jason and Lauren Kondi, Keith and Brooke Savitz, Dave and Sara Roter, Steffen and Meg Kondi, Scott and Michelle Levy, Pete and Ruth Cocozza, Scott Friske, Sam Sebastian, Dave DeWalt, Brad Cochran, Monday Men, Don Bosco Hewlett, Kevin Breznahan, Todd and the McWilliams, Writing Sober, Perry Hodge, Kevin Weir, Mike Breheny, Jayme and the Caseys, Chris Lottridge, Peter Young, Kevin O’Keeffe, Chris Langel, Kelly Dillon, Kelly Schwartz, Mike Elovitz, Patrick Grady, Sean Farley, Francesca Kimpton, Joe Foster, Dave Fromm, Sara Blakely and Jesse Itzler, Steve Ehrenkranz, Kelli Deveaux, Marisa Polvino, Dan Purnick, Rob Lubin, Jennifer Kalish, Ric and Lauren Weisgerber, Ross Peete, Dan Simon, Dave Morris, Liz Wintrich, Patty Donaldson, Katie DiMento, Johnny Hong Kong, Bob Cook, Buckles, Caroline Cofer-Golin, Charlie Della Penna, Jon Fox, Chris O’Connor, Heather O’Hara, John Latino, JT, Kia, Lauren Tant, Lillyan Manus, John Lewin, Lisa Bloomquist, Michelle Debusschere, Joe Assad, Joel Morgan (1973–2004), Lori Carson, Pete Murphy, Matt Candel, James Karabelas, Megan Basten, Kathleen Reardon, Kim Duda, Jim Heins, Amber Senn, Billy Gaus, Chris Arena, Dan Fox, Jaime Meagher, Jeff Bennett, Jen Bingler, Jeremy Bronfman, Joey Raia, Keryn Limmer, David Slaine, Todd Harrison, Krishen Sud, Jeff Berkowitz, Pat Shevlin, Chris Birch, Roger Meilleur, Austin Graham, Dr. Errol Gluck, Carly Novich, Mike Masiuk, Dave Osh, Oliver Wiener, Steve and Judy Taylor, Brian Volpe, Steve Starker, Andrew Walker, Matt Walton, Fred Berman, Zandy Reich, Mary Vogt, Joe D., Danny Breen, Rich Giroux, Melinda Loiacono-Zech, Kevin Debbs, Collin Henne, Bruce Cacho, Dan Hess, Ted Pratt, Christina Carathanassis, the Wenja, Nicole, Eric, Dr. Kondi, the Recovery Place, the Realization Center, Cotton Wood de Tucson.
Also, thanks to the entire team at Crown Books and Random House Publishing for enthusiastically getting behind this book—especially Tina Constable, Tara Gilbride, Paul Lamb, and Mark Birkey.
HUMILITY
Progress, not perfection … I’m trying.
A COMPLETE LIST OF THE BOOK’S PSEUDONYMS
Darlene
Looks Like a Larry
Baby Arm
Mr. Whisper
Peter and Kevin from Barneys
Randy
James
Adelina
Gus
Dr. Fish
Lily
Robert and Vinnie—Gus’s bosses
Roger and Trevor—Hedge Fund Mafia
Sam
Victor
Lotus Chick
Tracey
Bill from rehab
Kenny the narc
Jessica—James’s girlfriend
Lori—Gus’s girlfriend