TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD
COCKTAILS with a LITERARY TWIST
TIM FEDERLE
ILLUSTRATED BY
LAUREN MORTIMER
Disclaimer: Please drink responsibly. This book is intended for people 21 years and over who know the difference between Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume.
© 2013 by Tim Federle
Illustrations © 2013 by Lauren Mortimer
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ISBN 978-0-7624-4865-4
Library of Congress Control Number: 2012944541
E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-4876-0
987654321
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CONTENTS
Introduction
Tools
Glassware
Equipment
Techniques
Making a Drink
Decorating a Drink
Terms
Spirits
Liqueurs
Beer
Wine
Other Flavorings
Part 1
Drinks for Dames
One Flew Over the Cosmo’s Nest
Ethan Pom
Rye and Prejudice
Love in the Time of Kahlúa
Brave New Swirled
A Cocktail of Two Cities
Frangelico and Zooey
Bloody Carrie
Howards Blend
Gin Eyre
Paradise Sauced
The Joy of Sex on the Beach
A Midsummer Night’s Beam
The Postman Always Brings Ice
Remembrance of Things Pabst
Bridget Jones’s Daiquiri
Romeo and Julep
The S(ide)carlet Letter
A Rum of One’s Own
Tequila Mockingbird
The Yellow Wallbanger
The Unbearable Lightness of Peeing
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margarita
The Turn of the Screwdriver
Part 2
Gulps for Guys
Crime and Punish-mint
Decline and Fall Down
Drankenstein
Huckleberry Sin
Absinthe Shrugged
The Count of Monte Cristal
Moby-Drink
Gulp-iver’s Travels
A Confederacy of Ounces
The Last of the Mojitos
The Lime of the Ancient Mariner
Lord of the Mai-Tais
Infinite Zest
Heart of Dark Mist
The Moonshine and Sixpence
A Farewell to Amaretto
One Hundred Beers of Solitude
Orange Julius Caesar
Vermouth the Bell Tolls
Silas Marnier
The Old Man and the Seagram’s
The Malted Falcon
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea Breeze
Lord Pimm
The Sound and the Slurry
Part 3
Bevvies for Book Clubs
Fahrenheit 151
Gone with the Wine
The Rye in the Catcher
The Adventures of Sherbet Holmes
The Pitcher of Dorian Grey Goose
The Portrait of a Pink Lady
The Joy Luck Club Soda
Part 4
Refreshments for Recovering Readers
Charlie and the Chocolate Fake-tini
Pear the Wild Things Are
The Phantom Tolljuice
Rip Van Drinkle
Cherry Poppins
White Tang
Pat the Tummy
The Wonderful Blizzard of Oz
Part 5
Bar Bites for Book Hounds
Alice’s Adventures in Wonder Bread
The Deviled Egg Wears Prada
Olives ’n’ Twist
Fear of Frying
I Know This Munch Is True
Pizza and Wendy
Berry Potter
Prawn Quixote
Bonus!
Games for Geeks
Drinking All by Your Lonesome
Drinking with Friends
Formulas for Metric Conversions
Acknowledgments
Index
INTRODUCTION
An English major walks into a bar . . .
Gentle Drinker:
Congrats. You fought through War and Peace, burned through Fahrenheit 451, and sailed through Moby-Dick. All right, all right, you nearly drowned in Moby-Dick, but you made it to shore—and you deserve a drink! Hang tight, undergrad. A beer’s not going to cut it. Not this time.
To pay proper homage to the world’s greatest stories and storytellers, we’ve carefully crafted a library’s worth of literature-inspired cocktails. Scholarly sips for word nerds, if you will—and the people who love them. From barflies to book clubs, welcome to Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist. Go ahead and pull up a stool. Or a recliner, for that matter.
Don’t worry if you snoozed your way through Comp Lit. Think of this recipe guide as SparkNotes with a liquor license, trading out pop quizzes for popped corks. For you serious drink-slingers out there, we’re serving up your favorite recipes with a smart new twist. You’ve gotta have something to talk about behind the bar—why not raise the level of banter by brushing up on your Brontë?
There are beverages here to suit all tastes. Ladies, get ready to celebrate history’s feistiest heroines in Drinks for Dames, a handful of recipes that take sugar and spice to a whole new level. From Are You There God? It’s Me, Margarita to A Rum of One’s Own to Bridget Jones’s Daiquiri, we’ve got every reading level covered.
Gents, your brawny books go down easier with a halftime chug. In Gulps for Guys, literature’s most savory stories get stirred into over two dozen recipes. From The Last of the Mojitos to The Old Man and the Seagram’s and Orange Julius Caesar—with characters this vivid, you’ll never drink alone again.
Book clubs, shake up your next gathering with party punches like The Joy Luck Club Soda and The Pitcher of Dorian Grey Goose. No problem if you haven’t even read this month’s selection—everyone’s bound to be fall-down drunk, anyway. Just leave your keys by the door.
And fret not, recovering readers! We’ve got nonalcoholic drinks for you, too (The Wonderful Blizzard of Oz, anyone?) that recall gentler, less wobbly times. No shame in sitting back while the freshmen make fools of themselves.
If your buzz is on but your belly’s empty, we’ve cooked up The Deviled Egg Wears Prada, P
rawn Quixote, and a handful of other Bar Bites for Book Hounds. And should you find yourself surrounded by a group of hesitant readers—or card-carrying library-goers—try our drinking games. You’ll be reading your friends under the table . . . you know, if they’re brave enough to take a shot every time Dickens introduces a new character.
Relax. We won’t get too stuffy. After all, the only things needed to enjoy a good book are a lamp and a place to sit. An effective cocktail should be just as easy. For those who don’t know their Bloody Mary from their Mary Shelley, flip the page for a quick refresher on the tools, techniques, and terms used throughout this book. Trust us: if you’ve got a Solo cup and a corner store, you can make 90 percent of these recipes 100 percent of the time.
So grab a glass, already. Let’s get a little stupid and look a little smart. Even if you don’t have a BA in English, tonight you’re gonna drink like you do.
TOOLS
GLASSWARE
COCKTAIL (OR MARTINI) GLASS (4 TO 6 OUNCES): Drinks are shaken and strained into this long-stemmed, iconic v-shaped beauty.
COLLINS GLASS (10 TO 14 OUNCES): Built like a highball glass, but taller and narrower. Best for icy, very large tropical drinks. Also best for getting drunk.
FLUTE (4 TO 6 OUNCES): Champagne cocktails are served in this specially designed stemware, which showcases the bubbles without letting too many of them fly free.
HIGHBALL GLASS (10 TO 12 OUNCES): Midway between a rocks and a Collins glass, but taller than the former and shorter and fatter than the latter. If you could only have one book on a desert island, you’d choose wisely; if you could only have one glass, you’d choose this.
MASON JAR (1 CUP TO ½ GALLON): Though generally used for bottling preserves, this also makes a great container for down-home, country drinks.
MUG (10 TO 12 OUNCES): The hardworking coffee cup does double duty for hot alcoholic drinks.
PINT GLASS (16 TO 20 OUNCES): An all-purpose beer-chugger, this glass tapers at the bottom, and some have a “bulb” near the lip for a better grip.
ROCKS (OR LOWBALL OR OLD-FASHIONED) GLASS (6 TO 10 OUNCES): A drink poured “on the rocks”—that’s over ice, rookie—is frequently served in one of these short, heavy tumblers.
SHOT GLASS (¾ TO 2 OUNCES): For slamming back calmly enjoying a variety of aptly named “shots.” The smallest of drinking vessels, these are also handy as measuring devices.
SOLO CUP (16 OUNCES): A plastic red cup that is a typical dorm room and party staple. In a pinch, used for basically every drink ever.
EQUIPMENT
BLENDER: For frosty, feel-good frozen beverages. Make sure yours can handle ice like a champ.
JUICER: The classy crowd prefers their lemons and limes (and pomegranates, thank you very much) freshly juiced, whether by hand or by machine—but we won’t balk if you go the bottled route. On average, lemons and limes produce about an ounce of juice each.
MEASURING CUPS AND SPOONS: Duh, right? Dry cups typically range from ¼ cup to 1 cup. For larger liquid measurements, it’s easiest to have a standard 2-cup glass. Measuring spoons go from ¼ teaspoon to 1 tablespoon.
PITCHER AND PUNCH BOWL: Best for serving all the nonfiction characters in your life. Half-gallon pitchers always do the trick; same with a gallon punch bowl.
SHAKER: An essential device that need not intimidate! Our fave is the Cobbler: a three-part metal contraption (counting the capped lid) with the strainer built right in. The other varieties are the Boston (a glass mixing cup and metal container) and French (basically a Cobbler shaker sans strainer). Both require a separate strainer, and that’s valuable time you could be reading—or drinking.
STRAINER: Like a sifter for liquids. If you ignored our advice to buy the all-in-one Cobbler shaker, you’ll want to pick up a Hawthorne strainer, which will fit tight into your shaker’s metal mouth. The Hawthorne filters only the liquids (not the ice) into a cocktail.
JIGGER: For small liquid measurements. A metal hourglass shape, available in a variety of sizes. We prefer the 1-ounce-over-1½-ounce model—but you should up the dosage if you’re trying to get through Anna Karenina. And just drink straight from the bottle if you’re attempting Walden.
MUDDLER: Grown-up term for fruit masher. Releases oils and flavors in mints and berries.
VEGETABLE PEELER (OR CHANNEL KNIFE): A handy shortcut for creating twists (see: Garnishes, page 8), the peeler removes a thin layer of skin from fruit to add flavor and color.
TECHNIQUES
MAKING A DRINK
FILLING: In some recipes, you’re asked to “fill” your glass to the top with a final ingredient—typically Champagne, club soda, or cream. The amount of liquid needed depends on how large your glass is: from 2 to 4 ounces for a flute, to anywhere from 4 to 8 ounces for rocks, highball, or Collins glasses.
FLOATING: To create pretty layers in the drink, “float” one liquid on top of the other. The easiest method is to invert a spoon and slowly pour liquor/liqueur over the back of the head, letting the liquid pool without breaking the cocktail’s surface—sort of like trying not to cry during Of Mice and Men.
ICING PUNCHES: For parties, blocks of ice are a cinch. Simply fill a clean, empty milk carton with water, freeze overnight, and peel away the waxy paper.
MUDDLING: In some recipes, once you’ve filled a glass with the specified fruits, juices, or herbs, use a muddler (page 6) to gently mash the ingredients, twisting lightly to release oils and flavors.
RIMMING: Rub the lip of the desired glass with a lemon or lime wedge, then “rim” the glass (hey, now!) by turning it upside down and placing the rim on a plate of salt, cocoa powder, sugar, or whatever the recipe calls for. Then gently rotate the glass so the rim gets coated in the desired ingredient.
SHAKING: Fill a Cobbler tin with all of the ingredients and ice, cap shut, and shake vigorously—harder than you think, bordering on “workout.” Uncap the lid and strain into a glass.
STIRRING: Experts use a bar spoon, which has a long, twisting handle, but an everyday cereal spoon will do just fine. For cocktails with carbonation, the bubbles do the stirring for you.
DECORATING A DRINK
GARNISHES: Like a truly memorable book cover (remember the puppeteer’s hand on The Godfather?), garnishes are the promise of something special to come. Technically, garnish adds both color and flavor (like a lime wedge or lemon twist), garbage is any food or fruit that’s solely for aesthetic purposes (like a lemon wheel), and kitsch is something hokey (like an umbrella, or the entire plot of Valley of the Dolls).
Garnish techniques include:
TEARING: The easiest way to include mint in a cocktail. Simply wash, remove stems, and take out your frustration one rip at a time.
TWISTS: Delicately flavors a drink and adds a little citrus pizzazz. The official method involves a channel knife, which peels a long, thin gouge out of a lemon. Our easier, preferred method is to wash a lemon and then use a vegetable peeler to remove a 2-inch strip of skin. Fold in half, twist over drink, wipe the rim of the glass with the twist, and then drop into the glass.
WEDGES: The most widely seen lemon or lime garnish. Wash, dry, and cut the ends off the whole fruit. Then chop the fruit in half “the short way” and quarter the remaining halves. Wedges can either be squeezed and dropped into the drink, or balanced on the rim after cutting a notch into the fruit.
WHEELS: Circular discs of fruits or vegetables. Wash, dry, and cut the ends off the whole fruit, then slice crosswise into “wheels.” Can be placed in the drink, or balanced on the rim after cutting a notch into the fruit.
TERMS
SPIRITS
GIN: Distilled from grain and, though flavored with everything from juniper to cinnamon, smells a bit like rubbing alcohol—but in a fun way. Favored by Fitzgerald.
RUM: Hemingway’s main hooch is the best sugar-water money can buy. The lightest kinds are the youngest; the darkest can be older than seven years.
TEQUILA: Comes from the blue agave plant, not the cactus. The w
ord “tequila” itself refers to a very specific region in Mexico, and the authentic stuff doesn’t harbor any wayward worms. Kerouac adored it.
VODKA: Odorless and clear, vodka is typically distilled from potatoes and grains. Russians drink it straight, but Americans mix it up—William S. Burroughs in particular.
WHISKEY: Distilled from grains and hailing from America, Canada, Ireland, or Scotland. Dorothy Parker’s prized drink is serious stuff by its lonesome, but it plays nice with others. We feature both rye whiskey and bourbon, which is any good Southerner’s definition of whiskey.
LIQUEURS
Strong, syrupy spirits that are flavored any number of ways, from fruits to flowers; also includes schnapps. The following liqueurs make appearances throughout: absinthe and ouzo (licorice-like flavor), amaretto (almond/apricot flavor), anise (brands like Galliano and Herbsaint), blackberry, butterscotch, cinnamon (a brand like Goldschläger), coffee (a brand like Kahlúa), crème de cassis (blackcurrant flavor), crème de menthe (mint flavor), elderflower (a brand like St-Germain), gin (a brand like Pimm’s), hazelnut (a brand like Frangelico), limoncello (lemon flavor) melon, orange (generics like triple sec and Curaçao; a brand like Grand Marnier), peach schnapps, and sour apple schnapps.
BEER
A malt brew and a hoppy flavor. Recipes in this book focus on lagers, specifically light beer and—good luck here—malt liquor.
WINE
Fermented juice from myriad fruits and grapes. In subcategories, we feature: brandy, generally a distillation of wine or fruit juice; sweet vermouth, a fortified wine flavored with herbs; sherry, a brightly sweet fortified wine hailing from Spain; and Champagne, a sparkling white wine from a specific French region.
OTHER FLAVORINGS
AGAVE NECTAR: A widely available sweetener, it goes down like honey with an exotic accent.
BITTERS: The cologne of cocktails, added in small amounts to give a drink depth and nuance. Angostura and Peychaud’s are the two aromatic bitters featured in this book. The latter is a slightly sweeter, fruitier version of the former, and both are strong and majestic. We also use orange bitters, any brand of which will showcase a bright citrus flavor.