It’s Christmas Eve. My mom and dad just gave Sophie and me our night-before-Christmas presents, which are—as always—pajamas. My pajamas have pockets in the pants. I’m not sure why. I guess so I have someplace to put whatever I pick up in my dreams?
Christmas was fun. My parents got me some aftershave and some books and video games and a new sweater-vest, and Grandma Judy sent me some Lego blocks, I guess because she still thinks of me as being seven years old. Sophie got some accounting software and a real grown-up accounts-receivable ledger, which is exactly what she wanted. She also put on a really good show of pretending to be excited because Santa had come for a visit, which made my parents happy.
According to the calendar, today is something called “Boxing Day” in England. I hoped that meant that the whole country took part in a big fistfight, but apparently, it’s just what they call the day after Christmas there.
It snowed yesterday, so Sophie and I went to the park and made a snowman. Here is some advice, if you’re thinking about making a snowman: Make sure you don’t do it in the part of the park where dogs tend to poop a lot. We got about halfway through rolling one big snowball when we figured out why our snowman smelled so bad.
Tonight, my mom made me sit down and write a thank-you note to Grandma Judy for the Legos she sent me. I felt stupid writing out the words “Thanks for the Legos—I look forward to playing with them,” but my mom insisted it was the polite thing to do. But when I asked if she was going to send a thank-you note for the talking bathroom scale that Grandma Judy got for her, she said, “None of your business.”
Well, it’s the last day of the year, which always makes me a little sad. Looking back on the past year, it was pretty OK. I got most of my New Year’s resolutions done: I created my blog, I started shaving, I learned how to do at least half a kickflip, and I technically did get some girls to notice me, even if it was just to call me “Smurf.”
And next year might be a good year. I went down to the mall today to exchange the Lego blocks for a Wii game, and I ran into Jenny Bachman. I told her I was sorry to hear that she and Mark O’Keefe had broken up, and she said it was OK, she didn’t have much in common with him anyway. Then she asked if maybe I wanted to go ice-skating with her sometime, and I said sure. So we made a plan for next Saturday.
So things might be looking up for me. I feel like good things might be about to happen. I’m excited, I’m hopeful, and I’m very very nervous.
Because I have no idea how to ice-skate.
About the Author
Tim Carvell is the head writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, for which he has won five Emmys. He has also served as a writer and editor at Fortune, Sports Illustrated Women, and Entertainment Weekly. His work has also appeared in New York magazine, the New York Times, Esquire, Slate, and McSweeney’s; the Daily Show books America: The Book and Earth: The Book; and the anthologies More Mirth of a Nation, Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans, and The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Joke Books. He lives in New York with his partner, Tom Keeton.
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Credits
Cover design by Erin Fitzsimmons
Illustrations by Doug Holgate
Emoticons by Robert Brook Allen
A portion of the text from this book
was originally published in MAD magazine.
Planet Tad
Copyright 2012 by E.C. Publications, Inc. All rights reserved.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN 978-0-06-193436-0 (trade bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-193437-7 (lib. bdg.)
EPub Edition © APRIL 2012 ISBN 9780062114433
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