I think you're overdoing it. You should take a couple of hours off
and do something relaxing---"
"Captain, there is so much to do---"
Icy gray eyes cut her off. "Are you telling me, Lieutenant,
that your department is run so inefficiently that they can't function
without your supervision for two hours?"
"No, Captain," Torres gulped, suppressing an urge to howl with
frustration.
"Then I suggest you find something relaxing to do---or just get
some sleep," Janeway turned her attention back to her souvlaki,
dismissing the younger woman with a nod of her head.
***********************
Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres was---upset. Which as the EMH had
once said was a relative term when referring to the half Klingon
officer. Her mood was somewhere between irritated and aggravated.
She knew she was tired. She knew she'd been touchy---and hard to get
along with---for days. She didn't want to analyze why. But having
been ordered to take two hours off, she found herself at a loss to
know what to do with the time.
She had too much nervous energy coursing through her body to
relax enough to sleep. Perhaps a workout on the holodeck? She
arrived at holodeck one and checked its status. A program was
running, but there was no privacy lock in place. She decided to find
out who was running the program called Lake Como.
Malista Shadow was seated in the shade of the tall tree near the
picnic table. She ignored Torres' arrival. Her pensive eyes were
fixed on the small boats far out on the surface of the lake.
Torres sat down on the bench. "I've been ordered to relax. For
two hours."
Malista cocked an eyebrow at her. It seemed she had returned to
her silent persona---the one that didn't speak---or spoke in two word
sentences.
"If you don't want to talk---" Torres began, thinking she would
offer to leave, but not knowing where she would go if she did.
Malista shrugged. "Do you?"
Torres sighed. She ran her fingers through her hair and made an
effort to force her body to relax. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been
so---snappish with you in the mess hall. Your relationship with Harry
is none of my business."
Shadow nodded. It implied acceptance of the apology.
"Why don't you just tell Harry he's making you crazy?" Torres
burst out. "Sorry. Tell me to butt out."
"I can't."
"What?"
Malista sighed forlornly. "I seem to have trouble telling anyone
anything. How do you do it?"
"How do I do what?" She settled into place, turning all of her
attention to the woman in front of her.
"Tell people what you think. Argue with them. Tell them off! How
do you argue with them without losing your temper?" Shadow's eyes
were filled with sadness and a shade of anger.
"You're kidding, right?" Torres snorted.
Shadow shook her head.
"I lose my temper all the time," the engineer exploded. "I have
to fight for control---what has this got to do with you?"
Shadow tore her eyes away and stared at the horizon once more.
"I'm afraid to lose my temper. I don't argue. I try to change the
subject or distract him or I just leave. I think it bothers Harry.
He's been---different lately. And he won't tell me what's wrong."
"Afraid? What are you afraid of?" Torres asked gently.
"I'm afraid I'll---" Malista's voice broke as her green eyes
filled with tears. She drew her knees up and dropped her head on
them.
Torres dropped to the ground and sat next to her, leaning
against the tree beside her friend. "What? It's okay, Malista. You
can tell me."
Shadow looked up, her eyes glistening. "I'm afraid I'll hurt
someone."
Torres stared at her. "You mean like when I broke Carey's nose?
You think you'll lose your temper and belt Harry?" It had never
occurred to her that Harry Kim could provoke that kind of anger---
Tom, yes. But Harry? He was so---normal. But then B'Elanna wasn't
A weak smile tugged at her lips. "No. Yes. Sometimes. Oh, geez,
I can't even talk. I'm back to giving comprehensive answers."
Torres didn't understand the reference so she ignored it.
"Malista, you aren't the type. You might get mad and throw things---
lots of women do, human or Klingon. But you would never hurt Harry.
Or Tom. Or anyone, if you ask me."
"How do you learn to control your temper? To be sure you won't
lose control?"
Torres shrugged. "Practice. Besides, getting angry is normal.
You yell, you argue, you do some name-calling---you walk out---or you
settle it. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with losing your
temper."
"B'Elanna," she said in carefully measured tones, "the last time
I lost my temper---" She stopped to swallow the lump in her throat.
"I went berserk---and I killed four Cardassians." She dropped her
face down on her knees again. Her breathing was ragged.
The ugly words lay there for a few moments like a lump of mud
flung down on the deck between them.
Torres clenched her jaw. She wasn't a counselor. She felt
inadequate to give advice to anyone. How did she get herself into
these situations? By being a friend. She cleared her throat and hoped
she could find the right words. "Malista, the Maquis were at war with
the Cardassians. It was war! And you killed the men who raped you and
killed your friends. Don't expect me to be grief-stricken for them.
You did what you had to do." She tentatively stretched out an arm and
squeezed Shadow's shoulder with her hand, imitating a gesture Janeway
had made familiar.
"Did you ever kill anyone, B'Elanna?" The muttered question was
almost unheard.
Torres tensed. "Yes."
"In hand to hand combat?"
"Yes."
Shadow peered up at Torres' tight expression. "Can I assume
that whoever it was---he was fighting back?"
Torres nodded slowly. She hated to think about this. She hated
to talk about this. She hated the way it made her feel. With absolute
clarity, she could remember every aspect---as if it were playing out
on a screen before her. The color of the blood, the look on his face-
--the smells, the sounds, the feel of the blood splashing on her
skin, the bitter taste of bile in her throat. Each one of her five
senses had registered the event in excruciating detail. She'd
probably have nightmares tonight. As she did every time the incident
was brought to mind.
Malista's tears finally spilled over. "The Cardassians I killed-
--were all unconscious. Niko killed one and we had knocked out the
other four---with phasers on stun---and one of them with a rifle
butt. I didn't have to kill them. They were lying there helpless---
and I murdered them. And the scariest thing---" She broke off and
wiped her eyes with her hands. "I enjoyed it. I reveled in it. I was
totally out of control---and I stabbed them over and over and I was
so glad they were dead and that I was the one who killed them and I
just kept stabbing them over and over---"
B'Elanna shook her shoulder to break the litany. "Malista, you
had just seen them kill three of your friends---beat them to death
slowly. They raped you and tortured you. Of course, you were glad to
see them dead! You'd be crazy if you weren't. You were in shock.
That's why you lost control. I would probably have done exactly the
same thing. Anyone might have."
Shadow stared at Torres, trying to see if she was sincere. "I've
never told anyone about this. Niko was there. He knew. But I never
told anyone."
"Maybe you should talk to Chakotay about this," Torres
suggested. "Or Harry."
Shadow's head swung in instant rejection of that idea. "I can't
talk to Harry about this."
"Why not? He's a good friend and a good listener. It might
help."
Malista shook her head. "He wouldn't understand. He's straight
out of the Academy. He's never even seen combat like the Maquis
experienced. He's never--- murdered anyone. He doesn't know what it's
like---and I don't want him to know. To have to know. He wouldn't
want to---I slaughtered four---do you think Harry---I couldn't. I
don't want to see---the look that would be in his eyes. He'd---never
want to kiss me or---"
Torres fidgeted impatiently. She didn't know what to say. It was
true that Harry Kim was inexperienced and had no first hand knowledge
of the ugliness of war. She wasn't sure how he would react to such
ugliness either, but she knew silence wasn't the answer. The truth
couldn't be evaded forever. "You can't know that unless you tell
him."
"I can't! I won't risk losing him!"
"Is that why you won't argue with him? Won't tell him how you
feel? Because you're afraid?" B'Elanna sneered. "Could you tell Tom?"
She jumped to her feet and swung to confront the taller woman. Anger
was something Torres did know something about. Maybe a demonstration-
--
"What?" Malista scrambled to her feet defensively, studying
Torres puzzledly.
"I said you could tell Tom! You and Tom spend a whole lot of
time talking, don't you?" the chief engineer accused, arms akimbo.
"Yes. Sometimes we talk. Why?"
"About your pasts?" It sounded like an indictment.
Malista frowned down at the shorter woman. "Yes. Why? Does it
bother you? You know there's nothing going on between me and Tom.
He's like a brother to me. Are you jealous?" she asked
incredulously. She was beginning to be irritated by the Klingon's
belligerent manner.
"Jealous?" Torres said, raising her voice. "Why should I be
jealous? Of you?" She gibed, running her eyes up and down Malista's
long, curvaceous body disdainfully.
"You sound jealous to me," Shadow said softly, a spark of anger
lighting her eyes.
"He talks to you---he talks to Harry. Why won't he talk to me?"
Torres demanded.
Malista turned and started to walk away toward the lake shore.
Torres snatched at her arm and spun her around. "Answer me! I
finally got him to stop making a joke every five minutes, but he
still won't talk to me! I'm beginning to think he was never serious
about me in the first place. He clams up if I ask about his past---or
about his feelings. Why does he talk to you and Harry and not to me?"
Shadow's green eyes were hard. "Maybe because neither Harry or I
have ever---" She broke off as she tried to get control of her anger.
She didn't want to say anything to hurt B'Elanna.
Torres pulled on her arm. "Finish it! What were you going to
say?"
"Let go of my arm." It was quiet, but definitely not a
suggestion.
The chief engineer tightened her grip. "Not until you tell me
what I want to know."
Malista resisted, pulling her arm forcefully out of B'Elanna's
grip and turning away again. She started walking toward the exit.
"Oh, that's what you're good at, right? Shoot a little dart out
and then run away before you have to face the consequences," Torres
taunted.
Shadow stiffened and stopped in her tracks. She revolved slowly,
deliberately. "What do you want from me?"
"The truth would be nice. Come on, Shadow! How many people do
you think you can fool with this act of yours? You act like you're
scared to get all the men to feel protective! Then you lure them into
your trap. You've got half the men on the ship jumping through hoops.
Were Tom and Harry a bigger challenge? Or is it that you want both of
them? You want to see if you can come between them? That's it, isn't
it?" Torres accused, striding forward to put herself right in
Shadow's face once more.
"No." Malista's face had become an expressionless mask, only her
green eyes showed that spark of anger was still burning, glowing more
brightly.
"You may have the men fooled, but you can't fool me! How many
men do you want? Harry? Tom? All of them? Are you going to work your
way through the whole ship? Trying to beat the Delaneys' record? I'll
give you credit for one thing---you've really got Tom fooled. But
then he does all his thinking with his hormones. A pity his pretty
head is so empty!" A bark of laughter escaped Torres.
Malista clenched her fists at her side. "He's not a fool. He's a
very intelligent man. You're the fool if you can't see beyond his
good looks. I would never do anything to hurt Tom. And you'd better
not either." The words were forced from between clenched teeth.
"Or what?" B'Elanna said defiantly. "I'll admit Tom's
decorative. He's good company, but what woman in her right mind would
take him seriously? He's a flirt, a womanizer---he'd probably jump in
bed with anyone---even you! Maybe he already has!"
"No! I can't believe you're saying these things! What's the
matter with you? Tom cares about you!" Malista's voice was rising,
her dispassionate mask melting in the heat of the angry flush of
color staining her neck and face.
"Oh, sure---today! And what about Harry?" Torres continued,
provokingly, stepping back. "Does he like it when you follow him
around like a puppy dog? Maybe that's the only kind of relationship
he can handle. He's not real bright either, is he? I could teach him
a thing or two about women---" She ran her hand down her body
suggestively. "Maybe I should do him a favor. Of course, he might
not hold up---physically. He's not very strong---even for a human.
But what's a broken bone or two among friends?"
"You stay away from Harry!" Malista shouted, moving closer to
Torres and leaning down to get right in the shorter woman's face. "I
don't know how you could have fooled Tom and Harry into thinking you
were their friend---but I'm going to warn them about you! And if you
get near either one of them, if you hurt them---you won't a have a
hair left on your head, you Klingon witch! And to hell with Starfleet
protocols!"
All the apparent anger suddenly droppe
d away from Torres' face.
She smiled smugly and started to applaud. Malista backed off,
totally confused.
"Did you lose your temper somewhere, Malista? I think I found
it," Torres commented wryly. "Damn, it takes a lot to get under that
thick skin of yours!"
"You---you did that deliberately?" Shadow was trembling from
reaction, her body not sure how to shift from fierce anger to relief
in such a short period of time.
Torres took her arm gently and guided her back to the picnic
table, seating both of them on the bench. "You lost your temper and
you didn't hurt me, did you? It was something you needed to know. You
really have a long fuse. I was running out of ideas for insults."
Malista ran shaking fingers through her hair. "I can't believe
you did that. How could you take a chance---I might have hurt you!"
Torres shook her head. " You might be bigger than me, but I
don't fight fair---and my Klingon half gives me an edge. But I wasn't
worried about it. I told you---you aren't the type."
"But I wanted to hit you---especially when you said that about
Harry!"
"But you didn't," B'Elanna reminded her. "Kahless knows, I gave
you enough provocation. Malista, you need to learn to channel your
anger. Sometimes just yelling is enough to take the edge off.
Sometimes physical activity helps. Like throwing things---hopefully
not punches---or exercising. Running or swimming or something
tiring."
Shadow smiled weakly. "B'Elanna, you are really something."
"Yeah, I am," the chief engineer replied with a smug smile. "Any
other questions before we conclude our lesson on controlling anger?"
"Just one. When you have to fight, how do you keep from getting
carried away---from going berserk?" Malista dropped her eyes to the
ground.
Torres thought that one over for a moment. "I don't know if I
have a good answer for that one---but I think I know someone who
would. George Natwick."
"Natwick?" Shadow's tone telegraphed her surprise.
"He teaches self-defense. Part of that is learning to control
fear and anger and keep them out of the way when you're in a combat
situation," Torres explained. She grinned. "I know. Nitwit Natwick is
a jerk---with women. But he's good at his job or Tuvok would have had
his head on a plate months ago."
"Maybe I'll find him and ask his advice," Shadow said slowly.