speculation.
He nodded thoughtfully. "I just thought I'd put my name on your
list before the stampede starts."
"Oh, George, that's so sweet!" she said, impulsively. It was
flattering and comforting in a way to know he thought she was so
attractive there would be a lot of competition for her attention.
He blushed to the roots of his sandy brown hair. "I don't think
anyone's ever called me sweet before." At six feet, four inches in
height with a massively powerful build, it was easy to believe that
'sweet' was not the first adjective that would come to mind in
describing the security guard.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'll come by tomorrow
and pick up the programs you're talking about." She got to her feet.
"Sure. And if you have any problems---"
"Thanks, George." She took his hand for a moment in hers as a
gesture in parting. She turned and walked back to the Delaneys'
table.
Harry had surreptitiously kept Shadow and Natwick in his line of
sight. He wasn't the only one in Sandrine's watching the unique
pairing and noting all the details of their encounter. The two of
them seemed to be getting along very well. Holding hands, smiling at
each other. What in the world could she have said to make him blush?
Blushing? George Natwick?
How could she possibly be interested in George Natwick? She
preferred George Natwick to him? She hadn't seemed that fond of
Natwick at the Cinco de Mayo party at the resort. In fact, she'd
acted like she was afraid of him. She must be a better actress than
he'd given her credit for. He tossed down the last bit of his drink
and headed for the exit.
In the corridor, he slammed to a halt as he came face to face
with Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres. All three of them hesitated.
"Hi," Harry said after a moment.
"Hello, Harry," Torres replied. "Leaving so soon?"
Tom still didn't speak. He didn't look hostile---but he didn't look
terribly friendly either. His eyes were shuttered---showing nothing
at all---not even to Harry who could usually read him fairly well.
"Yeah, I, uh---"
"Would you like to join us for a drink?" Tom asked neutrally.
"Us?"
"B'Elanna and me. Who did you think I meant?"
Torres elbowed him. Tom grunted, but didn't make his usual
seriocomic protest. "Come on, Harry. We haven't talked in a week at
least," B'Elanna complained.
Kim hesitated. He wanted to get their relationship back on a
normal footing---but what if Malista joined them? No, she wouldn't.
She didn't want to talk to him. She'd keep her distance. "Okay,
sure."
He turned and the trio entered Sandrine's together. Ignoring the
buzzing of speculative whispers, they moved to their regular table.
Tom went to get their drinks, pausing to flirt with Sandrine in
French for a few moments. He liked to keep in practice. In writing
the program, Tom had turned off the Universal Translator function to
allow the French ambiance to be completely authentic. Of course, the
characters could speak any language known to Voyager's computer and
replied in the language in which they were addressed, so there was no
opportunity for misunderstanding.
"So, Harry, how have you been?" Torres asked.
Kim jerked his eyes away from his study of Malista who was now
sitting with the Delaneys and their dates and talking a blue streak.
He looked at Torres with pretended nonchalance. "I'm fine. How are
you doing?"
"Fine. So what have you been doing with your time? I haven't
seen you in here lately."
"Come on, B'Elanna. Let's not try to pretend you wanted to see
me," he said quietly.
She shrugged. "It's been awkward. But Malista told us that she
doesn't want this situation to ruin our friendship. We won't be
double-dating, but we can still be friends."
"Did she tell Tom about---why we broke up?"
"Yes. At least she told him what you said," Torres said. She
leaned forward to capture his dark eyes with her own. "But that
really didn't explain much about why you broke up. Why did you,
Harry? Because it sure sounds like you did it all on your own---
without much help from Malista. She still doesn't understand what
happened."
He closed his eyes. "I don't know. That's the worst of it. I
don't know myself."
She frowned her concern at his level of distress. "Do you want
to talk?"
"Yes. But not here." Harry looked at the ceiling, the table,
everywhere but at her. "And not with Tom. Can we talk alone?"
She nodded slowly. Tom was approaching the table. "Tom, I'll be
back in a little while. Why don't you shoot some pool? You could use
the practice if you plan on winning back those replicator credits
from me," Torres teased as she and Harry got to their feet. Harry's
eyes were fixed on the exit. B'Elanna and Tom exchanged glances. She
jerked her head toward Harry and the exit. Tom nodded. He bent down
for a quick kiss before reluctantly letting her go.
Tom took the tray of drinks and went to join Malista and the
Delaneys and their dates at their table. "I come bearing gifts," he
announced.
"I thought that was my job," Malista joked.
"But if you brought them, we couldn't drink them," Paris retorted. He
received blank looks from Megan and Jenny. Tom found it hard to
understand how the twin geniuses of Stellar Cartography could be so
ignorant of literary references. They must have concentrated on math
and sciences to the exclusion of all but the mandatory historical and
cultural courses offered at the Academy. For clarification, he added.
"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts."
The blank looks intensified.
"Never mind," he sighed. Malista smothered a giggle.
"Nice flowers, Malista," Trent Salaka commented, his hazel eyes
warm and friendly.
"Thank you. And Tom, thank you!" Malista added.
Now it was Paris' turn to look blank. "For what?"
Malista smiled at him. "For the flowers---you put them in my
quarters, didn't you?" Her smile faltered.
"No. I don't know anything about them."
Megan grinned mischievously. "Wasn't there a card with the
flowers?"
Malista touched the blue and white wreath of flowers. "Yes. But
it said 'From Your Secret Admirer'---I thought it had to be Tom. Who
else would know that today is Greek Independence Day?---old calendar
March 25th."
"Wait a second! Wasn't that party a few weeks ago supposed to be
for Cinco de Mayo? And that means the fifth of May. I'm not that
great on old calendar dates, but I know that March comes before May!"
Paris protested.
"Neelix just called it a Cinco de Mayo party to justify changing
the decor," Paul Bloorden explained.
"Uh-oh," Jenny said, shooting a speculative look from Tom to
Malista.
"Uh-oh, what?" Tom said irritably. He mistrusted the
mischievous glint in the redhead's eyes.
"Well, if you didn't send th
e flowers---don't you think
B'Elanna's going to be upset about it?" Jenny inquired, a little too
innocently.
Tom and Malista exchanged bemused glances. "Why would B'Ella
care if Malista gets flowers from someone else?"
Megan jumped into the conversation quickly, almost frantically.
"No reason." She tried to quell her sister with a frown, but was
ignored.
"Come on, Tom! Everyone knows Torres is the jealous type!" Jenny
complained. "You think she'll appreciated someone horning in---"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Paris demanded.
So Jenny told him.
***********************
Torres settled herself cross-legged on the couch in Harry's
quarters. He sat next to her his body turned to face her. Neither of
them spoke for a few minutes. His posture, demeanor---everything
about him screamed that Harry was absolutely miserable. Torres felt a
twinge of sympathy for him. She gentled her tone and touched his knee
to get his attention. "What happened, Harry?"
"I thought Malista told you!" he said, refusing to meet her
eyes.
"No, I said she told Tom what you said that night. I don't
understand any of it. If Malista was telling the truth---" She
deliberately left it hanging.
"I'm sure she did. There's no reason for her to lie," Kim said
sullenly.
Torres bit down on her rising impatience. "So you did accuse her
of cheating on you? You did accuse her of attempting suicide? You did
accuse her of using you to learn about sex?" Each sentence was spoken
at a slightly higher volume.
Kim flinched. "Yes."
"Then would you like to tell me WHY you said all those things,
Harry Kim? Did you believe they were true? Or did you totally lose
your mind?!" she shouted furiously, her patience snapping.
He cringed away from the volume of her question, holding one
ear. "That's part of it. Right there."
"What?! What are you talking about?"
"She never got mad---no matter what I said! She didn't even care
what I thought! She didn't defend herself!"
Torres sat there with her mouth agape. She shook her head, then
pounded her forehead a couple of times with the palm of her hand.
"What are you talking about?" she said with exaggerated clarity,
forcing herself to speak, not shout.
"She never told me how she felt. I never made her mad---she
didn't care enough about me to get mad. What else was I supposed to
think? You know she's a ---that she's technically a---that she's
never made love to a man before? If it was you, what would you do?
You'd pick the---the safest man on the ship to experiment with---
that's what you'd do! And that's what she did!" He was on his feet
and shouting himself now.
She sat on the couch and gaped up at him. She didn't know
whether to slap him, shake him---or just walk out and leave him in
his misery. "I thought you had some brains, Harry Kim. Sit down!" she
ordered. "If we're going to talk about this, we're going to be
methodical!"
She felt a temptation to laugh as she heard herself. When had
she, the hot-headed half Klingon, Maquis warrior, become the calm,
rational one? The voice of reason? The irony of it struck her dumb
for a moment.
She waited till he complied, collapsing on the couch as if he
didn't have the energy to sustain his indignation. "Now," she said.
"Let's start with the accusations you made. Let's start with the most
outrageous---no, they're all outrageous! Let's start with the one
that makes the least sense! You accused her of trying to *kill*
herself?!"
"She was careless! She replaced a power coupling in a live
junction box!" he said defensively. "You know that violates every
safety---"
"Harry!" She glared at him. "That isn't what caused the
accident! And you know it! Another coupling went out and caused an
explosion in the level above them. She told you---and she told me---
the power coupling she changed out was going to fail---at any moment!
And if it went, it was possible the ship would lose the shields!
Since we were in an asteroid field, that would *not* be a good thing!
I chewed her out for ignoring the safety regs. But that's not what
caused the accident!" she repeated. "So how could you possibly think
she deliberately risked her life? Not to mention her partner's?"
"I know," he muttered, tearing his fingers through his thick
black hair. He rested his elbows on his knees. "But she almost got
herself killed!"
"Harry," she said more gently. "It scared you?"
His agonized eyes met her own. "Yes! I don't want to lose---
anyone else. I don't want to be afraid for someone else!"
She shook her head sadly. "So you ran her off, before you could
lose her?"
"I know. It was really stupid," Kim said, dropping his eyes.
"Did you honestly believe she was suicidal?"
"No. I don't know why I said that. Maybe I just wanted to make
sure she was listening to me. I wanted to be sure I had her
attention. It popped out of my mouth before I could stop it---before
I knew I was going to say it---and then after I said it, I began to
wonder if it could be true after all."
"And how do you think that made her feel? When you threw that in
her suicide attempt.
She hoped everyone would forget about it. How do you think she felt
about it when you brought up one of her most painful memories?"
"I wanted to make sure she wouldn't try it again. I was afraid
she might. I know---it doesn't make sense."
"You're right. It doesn't. Now, what about the jealousy thing?
When we were at the holodeck---at Lake Como, that afternoon, Malista
said you'd been acting funny. She thought maybe you were jealous, but
she didn't understand why.
And I told her not to worry about it---that you'd get over it,"
Torres said heavily, feeling guilty for dismissing Malista's
concerns.
Harry frowned. "What were you doing at Lake Como? With her?"
"The captain ordered me to rest for a couple of hours," she
replied evasively.
"B'Elanna, that's the kind of answer that made me suspicious of
her! She never told me anything! It was like pulling Rigellian
bloodweeds out by the root to get her to say more than a few
sentences!" Harry squirmed under B'Elanna's frowning regard.
"All right. I didn't promise not to tell anyone what we talked
about. Maybe it will help you understand. Malista told me she's
afraid of losing her temper."
"Afraid of---? Why?" Of all the possible explanations for
Shadow's behavior that he'd thought of, this one had never occurred
to Harry.
"Because as she put it, the last time she lost her temper she
killed four Cardassians."
"Wha---oh, she meant on Huldon III? But why---"
"Harry, that's why she never let anyone get her angry---or tried
not to. She pushed all her anger deep inside. She was terrified of
losing control if she started getting angry. She was afraid she'd
hurt someone. So instead of saying anything when someone upset her,
she gave them what they wanted---or she withdrew. She punished
herself for getting angry. She turned her anger inward---and that
leads to depression. People who are depressed tend to stop talking to
anyone."
She watched the change in his expression as understanding came
to him. "That's why---why didn't she tell me?"
Torres stared at him silently, letting him think about it.
"Oh, I get it," he said bitterly. "Young Ensign Kim! He's so
innocent---let's not shock him. Is that it?"
"Damn it, Harry!" she snarled. "Think about her feelings, not
your own! Have you told her about the Akritarian prison? How close
you came to murdering someone?"
His color faded, leaving his skin a pasty yellow. "You mean Tom.
No. I haven't told her---did you?"
"If I thought you were in your right mind, I'd break you in
pieces for even asking that question!" she shouted fiercely. "NO! I
didn't tell her. The ship's gossips got hold of the story---Kahless
knows how! How do you think Natwick knew about the pipe? She's heard
the gossip---just like everyone else. The only ones who know the
truth are you and Tom. And I didn't mean Tom---I meant that you were
ready to kill some of the prisoners if that was what it took to
protect yourself---or Tom. If you'd had to, would you have killed one
of them?"
He nodded.
She lowered her voice and touched his arm gently. "Harry, you
blame yourself for almost killing Tom when you were out of control
with that clamp in your head---making you crazy. Now, try to imagine
how Malista feels. She told me the Cardassians were lying there
unconscious and helpless---and she 'murdered' them. That's how she
thinks of it. And she doesn't have a clamp to blame it on!"
Harry's hands were trembling. He glanced up at her with tear-
filled eyes. "I must have---hurt her so much. I wish she'd talked to
me about it. I kept pushing her---trying to make her angry---trying
to make her tell me off! I didn't want her pretending everything was
fine---when it wasn't! I thought---if she really cared for me, she'd-
--she wouldn't let me treat her that way. She'd stand up to me and
fight back! She'd tell me the truth---about how she felt about me!"
"Harry, Harry, Harry," Torres said, unconsciously copying Tom