70 And he asked both Simony and Civil-Law to scan it.
So these senior scholars stepped forth together
And unfolded the text that Falsehood had fashioned,
And announced and gave notice of the following news:
“Be it known to all people both present and in prospect,
75 Let the world be aware and witness herewith,
That Miss Money is married much more for her wealth
Than her virtue or fairness or freedom of birth.
Falsehood desires her for her fabled fortune,
And fickle-tongued Flattery herewith confers
80 The right to be proud, deriding the poor,
And to backbite, be boastful and bear false witness,
To scorn and to scold and to slander at will,
And to tear to tatters the Ten Commandments.
“And the Earldom of Envy and Anger together
85 With the Stronghold of Strife, Senseless Chatter,
The County of Covetousness, the neighboring coast
Called Usury and Avarice—I yield them all,
With Bargainville and Brokertown, the Borough of Theft
And the Lordship of Lust, its length and its breadth,
90 With its wants and its words and its wandering glances,
Its eyeings and idols and idle thoughts,
And its fantasizing and its failure to perform.”
Gluttony and Swearing were granted besides,
With permission to drink all day in dives
95 And to jest there and joke and judge fellow Christians
And on fast-days to feed before it was allowed,
And to sit and to swill till slumber assailed them,
To fall into bed and to fornicate like beasts
Till sloth and sleep should slacken their limbs,
100 Then to wake in despair, persuaded it was senseless
To reform before they died, being done with and damned:
“For they and their heirs are to have and to hold
A dwelling with the devil in eternal perdition,
In the punishment of Purgatory and pains of hell,
105 To yield up after their year of expiation
Their souls to Satan to suffer in sorrow
And agony with him, not with God in heaven.”
The text was extolled and attested by Wrong,
By Peter the Pardoner of the Pauline Order,
110 By Bart the Beadle of Buckinghamshire,
By Ronald the Reeve of the Soke of Rutland,
By Mutch the Miller and many, many more:
“In this year of the devil this deed I endorse
In the sight of Sir Simony, by Civil-Law signed.”
115 Theology was horrified, hearing this humbug,
And he spoke out to Civil-Law, saying, “You will suffer
For making matches that mortify Truth,
And woe betide you if you witness this wedding!
For Money’s legitimate, her mother’s Amends.
120 God matched the maid to a man who was honest,
And you’ve spliced her to deceit, God give you sorrow!
It’s unseemly, Truth knows, for as Scripture says,
The laborer is worthy the wages for his work6
And through legal footwork you’ve fettered her to Falsehood!
125 You live by lying and indulging in lust,
Yourself and Simony, you shame Holy Church,
Like the noxious notaries who do nothing for folk—
By God you’ll pay the price for your malpractice!
“You deceivers must see, unless you’ve gone soft,
130 That Falsehood is faithless and slippery and fly.
He’s Beelzebub’s brat and a bastard born
While Money’s a maiden who might do much good;
She could kiss the King as a cousin if she cared to.
So proceed as wisdom and sense prescribe,
135 And lead her to London to let the law check
Whether letting her lie with Falsehood is lawful.
But even if justices judge them conjoined
You had still better stop it for Truth is astute
And is counseled by Conscience, who’ll catch you both out.
140 And if he should find you’re as fickle as Falsehood
Your souls will be certain to suffer hereafter.”
Civil-Law assented but Simony would not
Till he’d seen his fee settled and the notaries consented.
So Flattery flung down enough gold florins
145 And said to Guile, “Go and give out the gold,
To the notaries especially to seal their support,
With a fistful of florins as well for False-Witness
Since he’ll persuade Money to act as I ask.”
When the gold had been given, how grateful they were
150 To Falsehood and Flattery for fulsome rewards.
They came to encourage and comfort Falsehood,
Saying, “Certainly, sir, we’ll unceasingly work
To make Money your wife through our wisdom and wiles.
She likes us, she laughs out loud at our jokes,
155 And already she’s agreed to go with good grace
To London to look if the law will adjudge
You both justly conjoined for ever in joy.”
So Falsehood and Flattery felt reassured,
And summoned the people from several shires,
160 Bidding them make ready, both ragged and rich,
To come and witness the Westminster wedding.
They hunted for horses to help with the journey,
And Flattery found some mounts with two feet:
He set Miss Money on a sheriff newly shod,
165 While a juryman jogged along gently with Falsehood
And a flatterer was Flattery’s fashionable ride.
The notaries were annoyed that they had none,
And that Simony and Civil-Law were equally served.
The unscrupulous pair swore they’d have steeds,
170 Saying summoners should be saddled as suitable mounts.
“We’ll have papal appointees caparisoned like horses.
Sir Simony,” said Civil-Law, “shall sit on their backs,
And you deans and sub-deans, you archdeacons as well,
Your officials and registrars, form a phalanx
175 And we’ll saddle you with silver to ignore our sins
Of adultery, divorce and dubious finance,
And to tout about bishops on tours of visitation.
For myself I shall pick a Pauline who can plead
The most secret cases in consistory courts.
180 And
a clerical commissioner shall be coupled to a cart,
To fetch from fornicators victuals that are seized,
And Liar shall lead with a heavy great load
Of fraudsters and fiddlers who are quick on their feet.”
Thus Falsehood and Flattery advanced together,
185 With Money in the middle and many straggling after.
I have no time to tell of all the trail
Of folk who followed them from near and far,
With Guile at their head to guide the host.
But Honesty saw them. He said not a sound
190 But pricked on his palfrey and passed them by
And came and told Conscience about them at court,
And Conscience carried the news to the King.
“By Christ,” the King cried, “if I could but catch
Falsehood and Flattery and their fellow defrauders,
195 I’d be rid of the wretches that wreak such ill.
No surety, bail or swearing should save them,
The force of the law should fall without favor.”
He called for a constable and quickly sent him
200 To capture the culprits, whatever the cost,
To bind fast Falsehood, rebuffing all bribes,
And to strike off Guile’s head on the spot, where he stood.
“Bring Money to me, no matter what they say,
And if you catch Liar, look you don’t lose him:
205 Put him in the pillory despite his protests.”
At the door stood Dread, who overheard what was done,
How the King instructed his constables and sergeants
To fetter and bind Falsehood and his fellows.
So off Dread went to warn them at once,
210 So that Falsehood and his friends could fly for their lives.
Falsehood sped off and fell in with friars,
And Guile was aghast and glad to go too,
But merchants met him and made him remain
And shut him in their shop to show off their wares
215 In apprentice’s apparel to passing clients.
And light-footed Liar leapt away too,
Lurking through lanes belabored by many
And welcomed not once for his wicked tall tales,
Everywhere scouted and screamed at and shunned,
220 Till pardoners had pity and pulled him indoors
And washed him and wiped him and wound him in rags
And sent him with seals on Sundays to church
Selling pardons for pence, making pounds at a time.
Then physicians sent letters soliciting Liar
225 To live with them peering at potfuls of piss,
And spicers bespoke him to inspect their wares,
Being versed in their affairs and proficient in gums;
And minstrels and messengers met with him too
And held him a hostage a half year and more,
230 Till finally some friars, finding he could sell things,
Caught him by flattery and clothed him in a cope,
Allowing him leave to come and go as he liked,
But welcome to be with them whenever he wished.
Thus the whole crowd fled out of fear and fright,
235 And none dared remain save Money the Maid,
And truly to tell she trembled with terror,
Distraught and in tears when she saw she was taken.
1It was believed that sapphires offered protection from poison.
2Matthew vii 17.
3Psalm xiv 1 (KJV Psalm xv 1).
4Summoners were the officers who summoned people to appear in court.
5Simony is the purchase of clerical appointments and benefits. See Acts viii 18–19.
6Luke x 7.
Step III
In which I am shocked to see Miss Money colluding with corrupt courtiers and a friar. The King asks Conscience to marry Miss Money, but Conscience refuses. The two of them argue, quoting and counter-quoting from the Bible. Miss Money says that she can help in time of need and in forging friendships, and while Conscience admits that money has two sides, he foretells a time when Money will not rule.
Thus among the many it was only Miss Money
Who was brought to the King by beadles and bailiffs.
The King called a clerk, whose name is unknown,
To accord Miss Money some comfort and care.
5 “I shall test her myself, and try to determine
What manner of man she might most love.
If she’s willing to follow my wisdom and wishes
I’ll forgive her her guilt, as God is my helper!”
The courteous clerk fulfilled the request.
10 With his arm round Miss Money, he modestly moved her
To a place of amusement, with minstrels and music.
The Westminster regulars welcomed her warmly,
And genteel judges came gleefully to join her,
15 And to comfort her with kindness by Clergy’s consent.
They said, “Don’t be sad or downcast or sorry,
We will go to the King and gain his agreement
To your wedding whom you wish wherever you want,
Overcoming the tricks of crafty Conscience!”
20 Miss Money was grateful and graciously gave them
Thanks for their care and accorded them kindly
Golden bowls and bright silver beakers,
Rings with rubies and many more riches,
And even a coin for the commonest clerk,
25 And the lords thanked Money and left her alone.
Then learned men likewise looked in to cheer her,
Begging her to smile, and saying, “We’re your servants,
We’ll do as you ordain all the days of your life.”
She sweetly promised to serve them the same:
30 “I shall love you loyally and make you lords,
And see you’re accepted in consistory courts.
No lack of learning can impede those I like
For I’m known and advance the friends that I favor,
While cleverer clerics are left in the cold.”
35 There followed a confessor, coped as a friar.
He whispered these words to winsome Miss Money
As if confessing her, and fondly confiding:
“Though you’ve lain, it’s clear, with commoners and clerics,
And been friendly with Falsehood for fifty-odd years,
40 I’ll absolve you myself for a sackload of wheat
And pray for you daily and do all the damage
I can to the conscience of clerics and knights.”
So Miss Money knelt to a
dmit she was immodest,
And confessed her shameless and frequent faults,
45 Telling him a tale and tipping him a coin
To act as her private emissary and priest.
He summarily absolved her and swiftly added,
“We are putting in a window that’s proving pricey:
If you’ll glaze the gable and engrave your name,
50 Your soul will be certain to soar up to heaven.”
“If that’s guaranteed, I’ll be glad,” she agreed,
“To be friends for ever, unfailing and faithful,
As long as you leave men some lecherous license,
And don’t blame ladies who long for some lust.
55 It’s the frailty of the flesh, as you’ll find in your books,
And it’s hardly unnatural, it’s how we’re all here;
If a scandal’s avoided, it’s soon all resolved,
And the soonest forgiven of the Seven Deadly Sins.
So have mercy” said Money, “on men with the itch,
60 And I’ll rebuild and roof your run-down church,
Whitewash the walls and glaze the windows,
And pay for painting the patron’s portrait,
Till nobody knows I’m not one of your nuns.”
But God forbids the good to engrave
65 On windows the details of deeds they have done
Lest pride and pomp are what they depict,
For God knows the giver’s conscience and greed
And the covetous cause and the cost of the gift.
I advise you, my lords, to avoid such ventures
70 As writing on windows what you’ve done well.
And when you give alms don’t ask for reward
Lest your only reward is on earth, not in heaven:
Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doth.1