TOM
Now that could be your epitaph! We’d hardly have to change the pronoun.
WILLIAM
Well, one could end up with worse. (To TREVOR) You may have noticed by now: we have a love-hate relationship, my son and I.
TOM
Only half of that is true.
WILLIAM
Rubbish. Sometimes you think I’m okay.
TOM
Sez who? And even if that were so, it doesn’t seem to work in the opposite direction.
NORAH
Honestly, I’ve seldom heard you two talk so much nonsense. No, that isn’t honest: I’ve often heard it. But poor Trevor, what must he be thinking? They’re really very nice. Both of them. And basically, too, they’re really very fond of one another.
LINDA
Look, if Trevor wants nothing more to do with me after this weekend…!
TOM
Do you really think, then, that he’s going to last the weekend? The kid must have stamina.
LINDA
Very funny.
NORAH
You seem to have caught us on a particularly bad day.
TREVOR
But at least—whatever you may say—you don’t really need Gary Cooper round here to liven things up. Whereas…Well, next weekend, when Linda comes to meet my parents, I know exactly what the first half-hour will be: all talk about the weather, and how pretty Linda is, and how are you getting on with your studies, dear—and, why, what a charming dress that is and, oh, do you take sugar in your tea? The only bit with any intrinsic interest will be how pretty Linda is. I shan’t mind them spending the first half- hour talking about that.
LINDA
Oh! Sugar in the tea! Would anybody like some coffee?
TOM
Do you always stand up when she does?
LINDA
Yes, and he opens doors for me as well, and even pulls out my chair at table.
TOM
You mean—in private?
LINDA
Yes. I’m trying to cure him of it but it isn’t easy.
NORAH
Oh, I wouldn’t try too hard if I were you. It may be old-fashioned but it’s very nice.
WILLIAM
In any case I don’t suppose you’ll have to. Time usually takes care of things like that. Time unassisted.
NORAH
He’s speaking from experience. At the start he used to practise all those little courtesies.
TOM
(To WILLIAM) And when you said that time would take care of it…is that the optimistic or the pessimistic side? No, it’s a serious question. I really don’t know.
WILLIAM
No, nor do I. I’ll tell you what, though: let’s all forget about the coffee and get out the alcohol instead. Trevor, are you wedded to the thought of coffee—or would you rather have a whisky?
TREVOR
Thank you, I’d rather have a whisky.
NORAH
No doubt his shattered nerves require it.
WILLIAM
I was a little afraid you might turn out to be tee- total.
TREVOR
Now that’s interesting. Why afraid, sir?
NORAH
Well done, Trevor! One can see you’ll be able to give as good as you get.
WILLIAM
All right: touché. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. ‘Afraid’—because it would have made you altogether too wholesome, too healthy, too square. I think that none of us could have stood it.
NORAH
Speak for yourself.
TREVOR
Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord. Sir, isn’t that the line you were quoting?
LINDA
Give up. I think you might have met your match, Dad.
WILLIAM
Rubbish. The devil, too, can quote scripture.
TOM
Did he really say ‘too’?
TREVOR
In any case, I’m aware I was being priggish. I apologize.
WILLIAM
And please don’t call me ‘sir’. It makes me feel ancient.
TOM
You are ancient. And a line like that’s not going to put him in his place.
TREVOR
(Starts very purposefully, then breaks off) Well, as a matter of fact…Oh, may I give you a hand with that?
WILLIAM
No, you sit down. Tom can profit from your example. Tom, come and take these round. Norah, you’re going to have one, aren’t you?
NORAH
Certainly!
TOM
Do I get one? My nerves are shattered too.
WILLIAM
If you come clean: admit how much you really love me.
TOM
Does the size of my drink increase with the depth of my devotion?
WILLIAM
Remember, I can sniff out the least taint of insincerity.
TOM
Dad, I love you enormously.
WILLIAM
And didn’t we always know it? (Gives TOM a drink)
TOM
Ta, Pa.
WILLIAM
You’re welcome.
NORAH
(Looks at Tom’s glass) I think I would prefer he had loved you a little less. (Looks at her own) I think I’d prefer I had loved you a little less. You’re going to be our ruination.
WILLIAM
That figures. I sometimes feel everything I touch has a tendency to crumble into ashes. You always hurt the one you love, the one you never meant to hurt at all. Trevor, you’ll no doubt tell me if I got that right?
NORAH
How can Trevor possibly tell you? That song came out of the ark.
WILLIAM
Oh, I hoped it might have come out of St Paul’s Epistle to the Romans. Well, never mind. At least the ark is still scripture.
NORAH
And yours came to rest in the nineteen-forties or thereabout. Got stuck there. Grounded not so much on Ararat as Annabella. You forget that some of us weren’t even around until the middle sixties…And, by the way, I have absolutely no intention, thank you very much, of sitting here disintegrating into ashes just to fulfil some heart-rending little theory which happens to appeal to your feelings of self-pity. Not this evening, anyway.
TOM
(Pause) Hey, Wobbles, what is all this?
NORAH
You know, truthfully, I’m none too sure.
TOM
Then please don’t quash his generous instincts. They already find it hard enough getting by. Who was Annabella?
NORAH
What? Oh…she was the film-star wife of Tyrone Power.
TOM
And did Tyrone Power mind Dad’s ark being grounded on his wife?
WILLIAM
I tell you, I never even saw her. She was well before my time; though plainly not before your mother’s.
TOM
Oh God! Imagine! Painful enough having somebody’s ark grounded on you to some real purpose. But…I never even saw her…Poor, poor benighted lady. Mum, I think he’s right: he does seem to have this unfortunate effect on people.
NORAH
My son’s a lunatic. But since it may appear I’m going that way myself, I hope he’ll think he’s in good company.
TREVOR
Well, anyway, I know that I am. And may I drink a toast to that? To good company!
NORAH
Oh, it’s not fair! I’ve been wanting to propose a toast for the past five minutes. I wanted to be the first to do so. (Nevertheless, they drink)
WILLIAM
We can see that as a dummy run. Now this will be the proper thing.
TOM
I trust it’s going to be to Annabella. That’s the very least we can do. You know, it’s going to be a long time before I shall forget the fate of that innocent, once-lovely creature. I shall dream of it for ages.
NORAH
No, it’s not going to be to Annabella. (Raises her glass) Now thi
s ought to be champagne; but we’ll have to see what we can do tomorrow. To Linda and Trevor! To Trevor and Linda! May they always be as happy as they are tonight! Happier. You look like figures from a fairy tale.
WILLIAM
To Linda and Trevor.
TOM
To Freaky and Trev.
LINDA
Thank you, Mum. That was sweet of you.
TREVOR
And here’s to all of you. I feel very blessed to be here. Thank you for taking me in.
TOM
‘Taking me in’ is not a happy phrase.
TREVOR and LINDA drink a silent toast to one another. Everybody sips. A short silence.
WILLIAM
Trevor, you started to say something earlier and then appeared to think better of it. “Well, as a matter of fact…,” you said; and I felt sure something of significance was about to emerge.
NORAH
Darling, if he thought better of it, then obviously he’d rather not tell us what it was.
WILLIAM
It’s just that he started out so decisively. “Well, as a matter of fact…” And people’s first thoughts are always the ones I find most interesting.
NORAH
That’s only because you yourself launch into things without a moment’s hesitation, not caring what you say or even whom you say it to. Until afterwards, I mean, when inevitably you wriggle around in paroxysms of remorse, wondering whether so-and-so will have been hurt or so-and- so will consider you a fool or so-and-so will repeat what you’ve just said—or in extreme cases, of course, all three possibilities at once. I don’t think it’s the novelist in him, I think it’s more the Aries. Trevor, when’s your birthday; what’s your star sign?
TREVOR
I’m Sagittarius.
NORAH
Oh dear. Linda is Scorpio…Anyway, who believes in all that nonsense?
WILLIAM
My wife is supremely skilled in the art of drawing red herrings.
NORAH
She has to be.
TREVOR
I stopped saying what I was going to, because I was scared it might sound counterfeit—which, honestly, cross my heart, it wasn’t. You asked me not to call you sir since it made you feel so ancient. Well, my first thought on seeing you—as a matter of fact!—was that you couldn’t possibly be Linda’s father; you looked far too young. I still can’t quite believe it.
TOM
Forget about Scorpio and Sagittarius! Trev and Freaky—clearly, the two of you are soulmates!
LINDA
(Ignoring this) There, what did I tell you about Dad? Peter Pan himself.
WILLIAM
Trevor, that’s very kind of you.
NORAH
You’ve made yourself a friend for life.
TREVOR
Good. If that’s true nothing could please me more.
TOM
Are you really only twenty-one?
TREVOR
Why? Do I seem ancient?
TOM
Where do you get all the right words?
NORAH
Oh, yes. Please tell him.
TREVOR
Well, I think I’m just in luck tonight. You should hear me sometimes. It depends on whom I’m with—and here I feel very much at home.
TOM
Oh God. He’s done it again.
NORAH
And you notice he doesn’t blaspheme. That’s certainly a large part of it.
TREVOR
But any moment now I’m bound to take a fall. It’s dangerous to tempt providence.
TOM
By saying which, folks, he’s shown that—against all expectation—he’s fallible. He appears to have taken that fall.
TREVOR
How come?
TOM
Because if taking a fall is a direct reflection on the company you’re in…why at any moment were you expecting to take one?
WILLIAM
Convoluted, but I see your point.
TOM
Do I get another drink?
WILLIAM
No. Trevor, are you ready for some more?
TREVOR
No thanks. Not yet.
TOM
I’m obviously employing the wrong tactics. Wait…let me rack my brains. Dad, you must be the youngest-looking man ever to have a daughter about to be spliced. Honey chile, I jus’ carn believe it, it plum defies belief!
Thank you. No go.
TOM
Yes, sir, the very youngest. Not to mention the most suntanned.
TREVOR
Yes…I was going to ask. Have you just come back from abroad?
TOM
Was it winter sports, Dad, or the Caribbean or was it something a little more exotic? Like the Leisure Centre? You know, Trev, they have almost real palms down at the Leisure Centre in this town. Dad rents a sunbed beneath them.
WILLIAM
And I go twice weekly. Weekly total: half an hour. It makes me feel good. I know it must sound very sinful.
TOM
Does your father look as madly sexy as ours?
TREVOR
My father’s getting on for sixty. Silver-haired, handsome and distinguished…although he could do with losing a bit of weight.
NORAH
My heart warms to him already. Can’t you tell that Trevor would never talk about his father the way you talk about yours?
TOM
Wobbles, surely you know my one concern is that it might dry out his skin?
LINDA
Anyway, if Dad’s still taking his cod liver oil, you can relax; that should help to keep it from getting all shrivelled and loose.
TOM
Phew! I was afraid it might simply fall off at an inconvenient moment—undoubtedly when one of my friends was present.
WILLIAM
(Pinching the skin on his wrist) Perhaps if I took lessons from a yogi I could learn to slough it off at will. (To NORAH) Now that would be something to control him with.
TOM
God, yes! Imagine having Dad’s baggy old skin held over you. Worse than the Bomb. I’d reform upon the instant. But may I have another drink before I do?
WILLIAM
Only if you go round beforehand refilling glasses. And don’t forget the soda water. Here, I think I’ll see to me first.
TREVOR
(To NORAH) Actually, in spite of what you said about my father and me, I can’t let you think we have an easy relationship. I do respect him, yes…but, though we both try, we can’t really talk to one another. There’s a distance between us which seems impossible to bridge. What goes on here—with these two—has infinitely more vitality. (To WILLIAM) Is it true you can actually bring yourself to take cod liver oil?…Now that’s what I call courage.
WILLIAM
Even if you begin by hating it, you very quickly reach the point where you wouldn’t be without it.
NORAH
I take it as well, if you’re handing out the plaudits. (To TOM) I take that, too, if you’re handing out the whisky.
TREVOR
No wonder you both look so fit.
TOM
You should see the vitamins they have beside their breakfast plates!
NORAH
Minerals and vitamins. Not so many. You make us sound like cranks.
TOM
Or hypochondriacs. (Looking at WILLIAM)
WILLIAM
I am not a hypochondriac.
TOM
Oh no? Who keeps thinking there might be something wrong with his heart, then? Who keeps testing his pulse rate when he believes there’s nobody looking? Who can’t bear to hear of anyone in their forties who suddenly drops dead?
WILLIAM
Whereas we all know it’s your favourite news item.
TOM
Yeah, I’d have it on my own personal Pick of the Week. Probably take it to my desert island.
LINDA
Honestly, listening to
you, Tom, anyone who didn’t know Dad would think he was the most terrible wimp. Well, let’s finally see which of you is the real wimp. How many press-ups can you do?
TOM
You freak! Probably a great many more than you.
LINDA
(To TREVOR) Do you know how many Dad does? Two hundred and fifty! At one go!
TREVOR
You’re joking. (To WILLIAM) Tell me she’s joking…At one go? Crumbs. If I could get up to fifty I should be amazed.
TOM
It doesn’t have much to do with strength. It’s far more a matter of practice. Like swimming.
WILLIAM
Swimming? Is that a matter of practice over strength? Why at eighty, then, can’t you swim so far as you did at forty?
TOM
Well, that’s stupid; it isn’t the same thing.