WILLIAM
(Reading) Is it me you’re addressing? Have I changed into the light switch?
TOM
I thought you were supposed to be observant. Light switches don’t shine. They like it best when someone turns them on.
WILLIAM
What did you want?
TOM
It’s interesting, though, the way that people see themselves…I’ll put you down as some sort of hybrid.
WILLIAM
Please, Tom. I’m feeling tired.
TOM
It’s your own fault. If you didn’t make so much fuss about the heating, I’d be working upstairs. What are the Seven Deadly Sins? Apart from pride?
WILLIAM
The deadliest of all: getting upon the wick of thy father.
TOM
Thanks. And I’d better get down all the subdivisions. (Pretends to write) Thou shalt not play thy music too loud, nor too late. Thou shalt not stay out beyond the witching hour of midnight. Thou shalt not—
WILLIAM
Be fair. Without first saying where you are—or at what time you’ll be home.
TOM
In other words…the third degree.
WILLIAM
If you but knew it there are fewer commandments in this house than in most. Thou shalt always admit the truth ought to be one of them.
TOM
Careful, though. Tricky one, that. It could redound.
WILLIAM
Why do you need to know the Seven Deadly Sins? I’m surprised you don’t already—a sophisticate like you.
TOM
A crappy essay. “What makes the Seven Deadly Sins so deadly?” Having to write a crappy essay on them for a start.
WILLIAM
The crappiness is mandatory? They insist on it, do they?
TOM
I like to hold the mirror up to life. That’s where my essays differ from your novels.
WILLIAM
Oh, what a tease you are! All right now. Gluttony…lust…sloth. We’ve mentioned pride. Envy…
TOM
Two more.
WILLIAM
Why don’t you look in the dictionary?
TOM
Defeated, eh?
He puts down file and crosses to bookcase. NORAH comes in, carrying cups of coffee on a tray. WILLIAM takes his; she sets one down for TOM.
NORAH
(To TOM) Goodness! So you really are doing your homework?
TOM
Of course, Short Wobbly Mum.
NORAH
I thought it was a Pretext to avoid the washing up. I mean—homework just after supper on a Friday evening instead of last thing on a Sunday night! It isn’t natural.
TOM
And people call me ironic. Besides, I don’t need any pretext. All he’s doing is reading Georgette Heyer.
NORAH
Your father happens to be the breadwinner, my darling. He is also feeling a little under the weather.
TOM
The breadwinner! And how can he be feeling under the weather on a night when his little Goody Two Shoes is trotting home as fast as her ten little toes can carry her? And nobody ever cares whether I’m feeling under the weather or not.
NORAH
Are you?
TOM
Yes. Always and ever. It’s a condition of my life. I have the Bomb hanging over me—and it’s driving me mad! Also I can’t find this bloody…Oh, yes I can. Anger and covetousness: the two we’re missing.
WILLIAM
(To NORAH) Deadly Sins. Essay on.
NORAH
Oh. Well. No one better qualified.
TOM
(To WILLIAM) Interesting that gluttony was the first one which came into your mind. I said you took the biggest helping of stew.
NORAH
Oh, Tom, don’t start on that again. Your father never takes—
TOM
Only joking, Wobbly Mum.
NORAH
TOM
“Quick! Help! Fetch my Rennies!”
NORAH
(To WILLIAM) Darling, it isn’t indigestion you need help with. It’s insanity. Are Rennies any good for that?
WILLIAM
You’re not suggesting that I’m neurotic or something?
NORAH
And the awful thing is…people who don’t know you think you’re the easiest-going man on earth. Sometimes I could cry.
WILLIAM
No doubt you disillusion them.
NORAH
No. I think you wouldn’t like it.
WILLIAM
These days I honestly wouldn’t care. At forty-five I’ve grown mature; I’m no longer ashamed of my neuroses. Indeed, I pay them tribute. They’ve made of me a deeper and far lovelier person.
TOM
Plus a real pain to live with.
WILLIAM
So disillusion them all you like.
NORAH
Right. I’ll go and telephone.
WILLIAM
In fact in some ways I think I’m rather less of a hypocrite than you.
NORAH
That’s very sweet.
WILLIAM
When I feel depressed I let everybody see it, outsiders as well as family. I don’t parade it—but nor do I hide it. In my view it’s wrong to behave one way in the home and another in the street. You, on the other hand, can mope about all day feeling unfulfilled, frumpish, fading, fat; and then as soon as the doorbell rings sparkle like a girl who’s just fallen in love.
NORAH
Well, I must say I think that’s a bit unfair. I was always taught that your first duty to any visitor was hospitality, not self-indulgence. (Looks at TOM) And I didn’t realize we were talking in earnest.
TOM
That’s okay, Wobbles. I’m not listening. Besides, you always claim you’re progressive parents. If I see you two putting in the knife, it helps me deal with any guilt arising out of my own…very occasional…lapses from patience.
NORAH
I was not putting in the knife.
WILLIAM
Oh, you…fibber.
NORAH
Well, not very far, anyway. Not half as far as you deserved. Would you like some more coffee?
TOM
Yes, please.
NORAH
I was speaking to your father; showing my forgiving nature. My sparkling and forgiving nature.
WILLIAM
No, thanks. I imagine we’ll be having some more when Linda arrives?
NORAH
My forgiving nature may not last that long. You told me I was fat.
WILLIAM
No, I didn’t.
NORAH
It was in your mind. I shall now sit here and refine on it; the way that you refine on things.
WILLIAM
Shall I tell you what’s in my mind at present? Despite everything? I think you’re a pretty good wife to me, and a pretty good mother to your children. I’m very fond of you, at heart.
NORAH
That’s nice. I’m also very fond of you, at heart. Despite everything.
TOM
And then some.
WILLIAM goes over and kisses NORAH; remains standing behind her chair for a while, with his arms around her neck.
TOM pulls a face and jots down a few more notes.
TOM
I wonder why murder isn’t included?
WILLIAM
Superfluous, maybe? I mean, it may always arise out of anger—or envy—or covetousness?
TOM
And suicide? Despair? Why aren’t they there?
WILLIAM
Let’s hope…because the compilers were imbued with humanity. Otherwise—I agree—they did a remarkably sloppy job.
NORAH
Perhaps the sin of sloth—sloth is one of th
em, isn’t it?—is a nod in that direction? And it seems to me that with every day and in every way I grow a little bit more slothful—(Sparkles and caresses her cheeks)—with beautiful pink Camay.
TOM
Poor old Wobbles. I think you’re next in line for the Rennies.
Front door slams. LINDA is heard.
LINDA
Hi, everyone! I’m home!
WILLIAM
There she is!
He rushes into the hall. “Hello, my love. Here, give us a hug.” Pause. “Now come in and get warm. But first let me look at you. You’ve grown even more beautiful than when we saw you last.” “Thanks, Dad. And you’ve grown even more youthful-looking and handsome.” “The difference is, though: I haven’t grown insincere.” “Nor have I. You see, I meet the fathers of so many girls that every time I come home it really does hit me just how young you look. Most of them are bald and have tums.”
TOM
(To NORAH) And that’s only the girls. You should see the fathers!
Linda: “And I bet there’s not one of them can do more than a hundred press-ups non-stop.” “Oh, currently it’s about two hundred and fifty.” “Seriously?” “More, on my good days.” “On my good days I might manage…three?” William and Linda come in.
NORAH
Hello, darling.
LINDA
Hello, Mum. (They embrace)
TOM
Hi, Freak!
LINDA
Hi, young brother! Hey, Mum, is that a new dress?
NORAH
Oxfam. Like it?
LINDA
I might borrow it.
NORAH
Oh, Linda’s home all right! Sweetheart, come and stand by the fire. What kind of journey?
LINDA
(Taking off coat, scarf, gloves and woolly hat; shaking out her curls) Excellent. Somebody gave me a lift.
NORAH
Oh, that’s good. Somebody nice?
LINDA
Somebody very nice. And as a matter of fact—
NORAH
But, darling, before you go into that, may I just ask…? Have you eaten?
LINDA
At an Indian place in Doncaster. Delicious.
NORAH
Well, that was sensible. But it’s a good job, you wretch, we didn’t wait supper for you. We had no idea what time you’d be coming.
TOM
I’ve always said so: she treats this place like a hotel. Don’t you, Freaky?
LINDA
Creep!
NORAH
Oh, Linda. Clear up the mystery for us! Why a telegram? In a way it was thrilling. In a way it was frightening: I thought I’d reached a hundred.
LINDA
I’d never sent a telegram before. I felt it would be fun.
TOM
All of life should be experienced. Even its more seamy and disgusting side. You need to plumb the depths.
LINDA
Exactly.
TOM
I think she’s probably been at the booze. Shall we dance?
LINDA
It’s just so good to be home.
TOM
Oh, what a freak!
WILLIAM
There is absolutely nothing wrong, my lad, with being a home-loving girl—(Turning back to LINDA)—even though university life very obviously agrees with you. You’ve got all the sparkle of your mother. (To NORAH, unable to resist it) I mean, of course, only on one of your off-days, love.
NORAH
(To LINDA) Yes, when we came for that weekend last term he looked quite green for about the next fortnight.
TOM
Remember now: that terrible sin of envy and all that it can lead to.
LINDA
(Slightly baffled—after a pause) You two are looking very good.
NORAH
Thank you, darling. And some of us even manage it without going to the solarium twice a week.
WILLIAM
There’s nothing wrong with going to the solarium.
NORAH
No. Did I say there was? Except that it dries out the skin.
TOM
And all that money you’re chucking away could go to Ethiopia. Or—better still—to me.
WILLIAM
Oh, for heaven’s sake! All that money! In any case, from now on it’ll probably be only once a week. Perhaps not even that.
LINDA
I think they’re both quite rotten: the way they pick on you. Let me state here and now that I intend to stick up for you this weekend. Come hell or high water.
NORAH
No matter how you have to perjure yourself.
TOM
Do you think it makes you look sexy? At your age?
WILLIAM
Oh, you’d be surprised.
NORAH
Certainly some of the more elderly shop assistants seem to give him the eye.
TOM
And not just the female ones, either.
LINDA
Oh, no! Tiny Tom isn’t still going through that phase, is he—calling everyone a poofter?
TOM
No. Only your father.
WILLIAM
In a moment he’s going to say—sorry, just joking.
TOM
Well, I don’t really mind his being a poofter.
LINDA
(To WILLIAM) Oh, do you remember that time on the station—just the two of us—you were seeing me off somewhere and while we were waiting you did a series of dance steps—or maybe sang, I can’t remember?
WILLIAM
A rather fancy piece of footwork.
LINDA
And I said, “Stop it, you look like a poof!” and you turned to this haughty-looking woman standing near us and said, “Madam, I don’t look like a poof, do I?”
WILLIAM
And she smiled very pleasantly and answered, “Not in the slightest.”
LINDA
I wanted to die.
WILLIAM
No, you didn’t. You laughed. And it was rather a fancy piece of footwork, wasn’t it? It went something like this, I seem to remember…Drum roll, Maestro, please. (TOM shrugs and then enters into the spirit of the thing: produces a drum roll) No—wait. Where’s my cane? (LINDA laughingly throws him his cane) And top hat? (Now he powders the ground with French chalk) Okay. Spotlight. Come on now, Norah, please be ready with that spotlight. Has anyone got a staircase with a hundred lovely girls? (NORAH now runs towards him, sparkling, and offering herself) All right, here’s a staircase; we’ll have to do without the girls.
NORAH
Oh, wouldn’t you have guessed I’d be cast as Staircase?
TOM
You always get these walk-on parts.
NORAH
Well, I’m glad that someone realizes it, at long last. Electrician, staircase and admiring audience. Life holds no surprises. (She weeps theatrically and LINDA comforts her)
WILLIAM
She’s only wanting to upstage me. She has this sadly competitive nature. (To TOM) Now if you’d be so good as to give me that intro once again…(Goes into his dance, which he performs well, with undoubted talent) Pick out a pleasant outlook. Stick out that noble chin. Wipe off that full-of-doubt look. Slap on a cheerful grin. And let there be sunshine…all over the place. Put on a happy face. (Takes a bow, blows kisses in acknowledgment of all the cheers and applause, and sinks back into his chair wiping his forehead) Not a bad house, I suppose. The reception wasn’t all it might have been.
NORAH
Was it ever?
LINDA
You were always so embarrassing. (TOM nods enthusiastically)
WILLIAM
At least you’re alive when you’re embarrassed.
NORAH
Well, that’s certainly one point of view. Can anyone deny it?
LINDA
(To WILLIAM) And you saw it as your mission to give life?
WILLIAM
Yes! Oh, yes! I did—and do—and sha
ll. Indeed, I’d like to think that one day they might inscribe that on my tombstone.
TOM
I’ll take a note. (Pretends) Otherwise—with any luck—we might end up hating ourselves for having forgotten it so quickly.
NORAH
And, children, you wouldn’t believe: his parents—God rest their souls—were always so very respectable and self-effacing! Not to mention dull.
WILLIAM
You leave my parents out of this. (More lightly) Well, anyway, my mother. You can say what you like about my father.
TOM
How history repeats itself!
NORAH
All I was meaning was…they might have been a bit surprised. You were such a very polite young man—so quiet—you even seemed a little shy.