Copyright © 2015 Stella Newman
The right of Stella Newman to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.
This Ebook edition was first published by Headline Publishing Group in 2015
Extract from ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ taken from Collected Poems 1909–1962 © Estate of T. S. Eliot and reprinted by permission of Faber and Faber Ltd.
All characters – apart from the obvious historical ones – in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library
eISBN: 978 1 4722 2005 9
Design by Sarah Greeno
Photograph of woman © Dean Drobot / Shutterstock
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
About Stella Newman
Praise for Stella Newman
About the Book
Also by Stella Newman
Dedication
Epigraph
Four Years Ago
Today
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Acknowledgements
About Stella Newman
Stella Newman studied English at Sussex University, then went on to work in advertising, at the BBC and then as a professional food taster. She is now a full-time writer, based in London, and has written three novels: Pear Shaped, Leftovers and The Dish, as well as the festive e-short story, A Pear Shaped Christmas. She blogs about restaurants, food and writing at www.stellanewmansblog.wordpress.com and you can follow her on twitter @stellanewman.
Acclaim for Stella Newman:
‘Really quite brilliant . . . fresh, insightful, honest and very contemporary’ Henry Fitzherbert, Sunday Express
‘Sharp, sweet and satisfying all at once’ Kate Long
‘If you are a girl with a passion for food, this modern city heartbreak is the book for you’ Heat
‘Achingly funny, searingly honest’ Claudia Carroll
About the Book
Love is on the menu. With a side order of lies.
When Laura Parker first crosses forks with Adam Bayley, she’s only after one thing: his custard doughnut. But when she takes a closer look she sees a talented, handsome man who outshines the string of jokers she’s been dating.
There’s just one problem. Adam’s job means Laura has to keep her job as restaurant critic for The Dish, a secret. Tricky for someone who prides herself on honesty.
Can the truth be put on ice long enough for love to flourish?
And how can you expect your boyfriend to be honest if you’re not quite telling the truth yourself?
Stella Newman. Fiction has never tasted so good.
Also by Stella Newman
Pear Shaped
Leftovers
A Pear Shaped Christmas (short story)
To my sister, with love
‘An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness’
Elbert Hubbard
To: Roger Harris@The Voice
From: Laura Harwall@Bean To Cup
Subject: Sub-editing work
Dear Roger,
I hope this email finds you well.
I’m sure you won’t remember me – it’s been so long – but I’m Laura Parker, Jane Parker’s youngest daughter. (Harwall is/was my married name, but I’m just starting to change everything back.)
I have such vivid memories of you from the times we used to visit Mum in her office when you were still based in Fleet Street. Mum would try to make us sit quietly and behave – fat chance! Jess and I would come and pester you for Jelly Babies. You were probably trying to file copy on the Falklands but you always made time for us and even put up with my sister’s atrocious manners. Did you really like the green Jelly Babies best or did you just pretend to so that Jess and I could eat all the red and black ones?
Anyway, twenty-five years on and here I am pestering you again. The reason I’m writing is because I’m moving back to London and I wondered if there were any sub-editing jobs going at your place? I’m a huge fan of The Voice. You launched just as I moved up North, and I find it so heartening that while other magazines have haemorrhaged readers, your ABCs go from strength to strength. Your journalists are the only ones I truly trust, and I’ve come to realise that trust – above all else – is what matters.
A bit about my background: after graduating in English and Spanish, I spent the majority of my twenties working for Union Roasters, then left to help launch Bean To Cup. For the last three years I’ve been running our (now) five award-winning branches. While at uni I worked every summer as a sub at the Manchester Evening News. I have full secretarial skills as well as shorthand (Mum insisted). In addition I speak pretty fluent French (Dad now lives in Paris, Jess dragged him out there to be full-time babysitter to her twins. She heads up the equities trading desk for Paribanque, can you believe?)
In terms of subbing, I’m more than happy to do late shifts, nights, freelance – anything you have going. I’m a fast learner, very flexible with my hours and am available to start as soon as possible.
Looking forward to hearing back from you.
All the best,
Laura Parker
To: Laura Harwall@Bean To Cup
From: Sandra Milton@The Voice
Subject: re: Sub-editing work
Dear Mrs Harwall,
With regards to your recent enquiry, I regret to inform you we have no vacancies at this time. In addition, as your experience in newspapers was almost a decade ago,
may I suggest that if you are indeed serious about re-entering the sub-editing profession, you gain some further experience? Perhaps apply for the course at Cardiff or City, if you are such a fast learner?
Yours sincerely
Ms Milton
To: Laura Harwall@Bean To Cup
From: Roger Harris@The Voice
Subject: My goodness!
Laura Parker, what an absolute delight to hear from you!
Of course I remember you. How could I forget the Parker sisters? Jess was the first eight-year-old girl (and come to think of it the last) who assured me she’d be the next female prime minister and that she’d teach Maggie a thing or two. And you, Laura – I’ve never seen anyone attack a Jelly Baby with such precision and delight, always the red ones, head first, one decisive bite: then a slow demolition of the rest, limb by limb. Graceful, methodical and with the mouth of a killer.
The ever-efficient Sandra managed to reply before I noticed your message. (If you ever need a henchman, Sandra’s your woman. She’s worked for me for ten years and still scares me slightly! No matter: she runs the office with Teutonic efficiency, leaving the rest of us to get on with the words.)
I’m terribly sorry to hear your marriage didn’t work out. Been there myself. Still, your mother always used to say you were a brave little thing. I remember when you split your head open on a bumper car pole at the Hampstead Easter fair shortly after Jane started working for me. She told us you’d taken it all in your stride until you realised your sister had eaten your Cadbury’s Creme Egg while you’d been having your stitches sewn, then all hell broke loose.
Unfortunately, as Sandra notes we have no vacancies in subs (though don’t worry about a course – the laws of grammar haven’t changed much recently). We run a supremely lean, post-financial crisis ship here – eleven full-time staff, the rest freelance. There is one vacancy – though I only mention it because we were about to advertise. It’s far too junior and the pay won’t be in line with your current salary. In fact I’m sure it’s of no interest whatsoever. Regardless, I am looking for someone to replace my PA Maureen, who’s retiring at the age of 132 – or so she’d have us believe!
Anyway, as I said, far too unchallenging for a girl with your manifold abilities, I’m probably insulting you even mentioning it.
I do hope, divorce aside, life is treating you well enough. Send my best to your father and sister, and if by any remote chance you are interested in applying, send me your CV and perhaps we can talk through the role in greater detail on the phone?
Warmest regards,
Roger
PS Yes of course I like the green ones best!
To: Jess, Dad
From: Laura
Subject: Life . . .
Quick update: I’ve officially filed for divorce as Tom’s too cheap to pay the court fees. I discussed with my lawyer what grounds to file on – adultery being the obvious one – but Tom still claims he and Tess have only just started seeing each other, even though he’s moved in with her. He thinks he’s such a good liar but at least now I know the signs (i.e. opening his mouth/forming words.)
We’ve settled on ‘Unreasonable Behaviour’. Shagging his colleague/my friend and lying about it for 13 months? Unreasonable just about covers it.
I haven’t seen her since my birthday, when she bought me that silver Friendship bracelet. Presumably Accessorize were all out of Lying Two-Faced Slapper bracelets. I’m not sure why I judge her quite so harshly. I suppose you expect better from another woman. Well, the two of them deserve each other, and now I know never to trust anyone ever again.
Regardless. I think I’ve found a job in London, as PA to Roger Harris. He now edits a brilliant monthly magazine, The Voice – it’s like a cross between Private Eye and The New Yorker – funny, sharp and honest. Also, I’ve spoken to Rachel and I’m going to rent her spare room. She’s hardly ever there and I can have it for £350 a month – a total bargain for Maida Vale.
X
PS I’m not going to make it over for my birthday – think I’m going to lie low, so please could you send me some more of that fig jam? It’s perfect – not too sweet, and has great little chunks of fruit in it.
To: Laura, Dad
From: Jess
Subject: HOLD IT!
Laura, you’re making a VERY BIG MISTAKE. Don’t EVER take a pay cut. And DON’T run away from your problems.
Also I think you should freeze your eggs. Fertility goes OFF A CLIFF after 30. One of my team has just frozen hers at 26 – a hugely sensible, forward-thinking move. Be pro-active! Charles and I could give you some money towards it, for a birthday present, if you like?
To: Jess, Dad
From: Laura
Subject: Please stop talking to me in capitals!
Jess. I’m lucky to be offered a job at all in the current climate. Besides, it’s only an interim move while I sort my life out.
PS Thank you, and your husband, for offering to invest in my ovaries, but I’d much rather you bought me the new Nigel Slater if it’s all the same?
To: Laura, Jess
From: Dad
Subject: re: Life . . .
L – sounds interesting re Roger Harris. Your mother always rated him, although Jess may have a point, I’m not sure you should take a pay cut. You won’t be able to afford the same lifestyle in London doing a secretarial job. And what about your friends, aren’t they all up in Manchester now?
PS What is this Grindr thing? Can I do it on my BlackBerry?
To: Dad
From: Laura
Subject: re: Life . . .
Unfortunately most of my friends up here are mine and Tom’s. They’re politely sitting on the fence, and while I fully appreciate that no one wants to be involved in the drama (least of all me) it makes for a pretty lonely time up here regardless.
As for lifestyle, all I spend money on nowadays is food, and London’s full of good, cheap places to eat.
PS Stay away from Grindr, Dad, it’s really not your thing.
To: Laura
From: Jess
Subject: Important!
I’ve considered it overnight and I definitely don’t think you should take this secretary job. I thought you were going to do freelance subbing while you found a proper job? It’s essential to maintain your salary level. Believe me, I know all about these things: once you take a pay cut/step down from a career path it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to get back up again. I saw a CV the other day – bright woman who’d taken a year off to do some whole Eat, Pray, Love thing – and I just thought: flaky hippy.
Now would be the right time to return to a blue chip – apply to Nestlé or Kenco. The hot bevs market is virtually recession proof.
Laura: you’ve worked hard, you’re smart and you’re at a VITAL stage in your career trajectory. Don’t under-deliver on your potential! Mum would have said the same.
To: Jess
From: Laura
Subject: Let me explain . . .
Jess, last December while I was laid up with flu, Tom went to New York (with Tess) for their ‘annual marketing conference’.
YOUR BARCLAYS BANK ACCOUNT STATEMENT
CURRENT ACCOUNT
YOUR TRANSACTIONS
Date Description Money out
14/12 Agent Provocateur £230
The Mercer Bar £78
Duane Reade £3.88
15/12 Tiffany & Co £3200
Starbucks JFK Int’l £4.23
I don’t need to spell out the punchline, but . . . last Christmas Tom bought me a WH Smith pocket diary and a griddle pan. Even though there are moments when I can sort of laugh at all this, these moments are brief. For the most part, my heart is broken. There are days when it is all I can do to get out of bed. Washing my hair feels like climbing a mountain. My heart literally aches. I feel humiliated every time I see any of our mutual friends. I need to leave this town and these memories behind.
Mum wouldn’t
have said the same as you. She’d have said life is precious and life is brief and if you’re not happy – change something.
Much love,
Your flaky hippy sister
x
To: Laura
From: Jess
Subject: No, let me explain!
Clearly you are in the ‘Frustration/Anger’ phase of the Kübler-Ross change curve. Understandable, but why not take this opportunity to focus your energies on your career? Do not let yourself be DERAILED by this bump in the road!
To: Jess
From: Laura
Subject: Let me explain further . . .
Did Mrs Kübler-Ross find a bunch of filthy sex texts on Mr Kübler-Ross’s iPhone? I very much doubt it.
Yes, it is a bump in the road. It’s a big old bump. But don’t worry, I’m on the case.
To: Roger Harris
From: Laura Harwall
Subject: OK . . .
I’ve thought about it. I’m in. When can I start?
PS Doesn’t everyone eat the head of the Jelly Baby first?
Today
1
‘Parker, can I borrow you a minute?’
‘Let me just grab a napkin, Roger . . .’ I say, cradling the phone under my neck while I attempt to keep my burrito in check with one hand: impossible – it’s too heavy and too precarious.
‘Sorry! I didn’t realise you were having lunch, it can wait.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say, although invariably I say it’s fine, when I mean it’s not. That very next bite of burrito would have had every single component lined up in a row: rice, beans, slow-braised pork, salsa, sour cream, guacamole and a few shreds of cheese. I’m no mathlete but I reckon the probability of having full-house distribution of all seven components in one mouthful is slim. In fact it’s rare, and now I’ve put the burrito down all order is lost.
Roger’s office is chaotic as usual, his floor stacked with back copies of The Voice, his walls papered with layouts for March’s issue. His desk is an avalanche waiting to happen – books, journals, golf balls and empty packets of McCoys – watched over from the corner by a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Joanna Lumley in full Patsy get-up: beehive, shades, bottle of Stoly. Azeem, our digital editor, gave her to Roger for his 60th and she’s a gift that keeps on giving.