Most nights are
like tonight.
We come and go
start and stop.
I think nothing of it.
Happy to be anywhere
with X.
X:I need to check in on someone.
Me:Check away. I’ll be here.
I’m outside
musingsmilingdreamingwaiting
then
ducking
behind the Vespa’s back wheel
as Miguel
rushes by
tousled hairunbuttoned shirt sleeves
tie flung over his shoulder
on his phonelost in words.
Miguel:I’m sure she’s coming to the rally.
I promise you I’ll find her.
Sorry, sir.
I watch him go
wondering why
he cares about Dad
so deeply.
X returns
wipes his lips
jumps on a new Vespa
and we begin
X:You ready?
Me:As I’ll ever be.
Leave a Message—Gavin
BEEP.
Gavin:I’m not leaving a message.
Where are you?
Already left five for George.
Okay, maybe fifteen.
Fine. I called him thirty-ish times.
Sam, he’s leaving me.
For real.
Like, real, real.
Hello? Sam?
Can you just call me back?
I need you to stop me from breaking fifty.
Would seventy-five voicemails be crazy?
Can’t guarantee I won’t do it.
I might!
Sam.
Please. Stop. Me.
Leave a Message—April
BEEP.
April:Since when do I get the beep?
Okay, so call me.
I’m totally done with Ralph.
For real.
Like, real, real.
Kaput.
The problem with Ralph is …
Well, you know.
Anyway, I did it.
I finally did it!
I did the right thing.
Did I do the right thing?
Leave a Message—Jane
BEEP.
Jane:Hello?
Hello, Sam?
I think this thing beeped.
My hearing’s off right now.
Don’t forget how you agreed to watch Melanie.
I have another appointment.
She’ll be at the park down the block.
She’s with her friend.
They also brought Missy, so make sure
they don’t forget her.
I know it’s only a few blocks,
but I don’t want them walking alone.
Okay, Sam?
Okay.
Leave a Message—Miguel
BEEP.
Miguel:Sam?
Will you answer your phone already?
We have a problem.
A complication.
Your café incident.
The owner might’ve talked.
I need your help.
Your cooperation.
So your dad doesn’t—
So your dad isn’t—
Can you just please
call me
or answer your phone?
Things That Don’t Come Clean
That afternoon,
I mull around X’s room
humming a tune
waiting for him to return
from the bathroom.
Not wanting to head home.
I move his wallet and phone,
a book, a pair of socks.
I sit,
stare at the walls
stress about going home.
I’ve blown everyone off
skipped out on everything.
I’m going to be grounded for sure.
We Hendersons have a reputation to uphold.
Disgustfearwordsthoughts
swim around my head
as X’s phone beeps
beside me.
A text.
Jessica:I miss you too. Let’s do it again.
Texts and Subtext
The air knocks out of me.
I can’t see
blurry from anger.
He lied to me!
He’s STILL lying to me!
dress
toss my wet hair up
search for my shoes.
X comes out of the bathroom
undressed
wonders what I’m doing
searching for my shoes.
He thinks I’ve spoken to Dad.
I tell him it’s not who
I’ve spoken to
throwing his cell phone at him, the
text from Jessica
kissed up against his hands.
His stone-cold stare is enough for me.
I storm out of there running.
I give him no chance to explain.
Excuses are lame.
I run loudly
cry carelessly
wail effortlessly
hair sopping
ridiculous looking
gasping for air,
I turn the corner
passing by the park
and
stop.
I was supposed to pick up Melanie.
Park Déjà Vu
I race through the park
Melanie!
past the swings
teeter-totter
slides
Melanie!
Melanie!
through the grass
where we scoured for rocks
smooth ones
tiny ones
flat ones
our pockets heavy
our hearts light.
Me:Please be here! Melanie!
I stop.
My heart now heavy
this park empty
save for a few
hanger-outers
and
Guy:Hey! You, girl.
Sam!
the same creepy guy
X knows.
He sits sideways
propped up against a bench
grimy
yellow
eyes aglow
strung-out
hanging out.
When I recognize him,
I rush to his side.
Me:Have you seen my sister?
The little one? The one you saw me with
last time we were here?
He inhales, long and slow
like he’s got something,
information.
Guy:I’m not feeling so hot, you see.
Could use a little pick-me-up.
He smiles like a crazy man,
holds out his hand
as if expectant
as if I’m connected
as if the swap will set us both free.
Is this how he sees me?
A player in the drug scene?
I back away, disgusted.
Guy:Aw, come on. Just one packet.
I might know something!
His words cut through me
like I’m a pawn
he plans to use.
This pisses me off.
My shock turns to rage.
Me:You’re too high to know anything.
I hate you. I hate everyone like you!
I turn from his hysterical laughter
and run home.
I’ve been used one time too many
today.
Summer’s Fool
Priestess high
gone awry
how dumb was I?
cried dry
frozen hole
clenched cold
feelings fall
below zero
angers rage
lies ablaze
boiling stage,
turn the page
wide-eyed fool
high school
broken rules
cryptic, cruel
arctic hate
cut edge-straight
he devastates
x soul mate
frigid stone
frozen moan
empty phone
vacant home
heart breaks
head aches
hands shake
but mind
awakes
me,
the Summer’s Fool.
What Fades Away
I come home to an empty house.
The family gone
for the next round
of shaking hands and empty promises.
I’m like this empty house.
Left my friends
for the next round,
of X’s lies and empty promises.
On the table,
there’s a note from Jane.
How could you forget?
She’s your baby sister and you
put her in danger!
Each time I try
to believe that I can be whole
whole family
someone who loves me wholly
dreams of a full future, lie-free
reality sinks in and the truth of
how things really are
comes out.
How things really are.
Gavin was right.
Family Time
I used to love
sitting in Dad’s study with Mom,
laughing at the giant portrait
of us on his wall.
Her green eyes, wide smile.
I don’t love
sitting in Dad’s study while he
screams at me
for blowing off everything.
His bloodshot eyes, furrowed brow.
Yells about
a united family fronthis reputationmaking him look bad
Yells about
shirking dutiesforgetting Melaniebeing a bad sister
Dad:What kind of person does that?
Me:I forgot I promised to pick her up.
Dad yells about Jane’s stress.
The pressure I put on Jane.
Jane
Jane
Jane
I’m sick of worrying about Jane
my reputation
the rallies
primaries
posing for photos
pretending to care.
All the focus on him
and none on me.
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
Family News
Dad:What about you? Let’s talk about you.
Dad pulls a newspaper out of his drawer
opened to a particular page
folds it story-side up
throws it on the desk
in front of me.
His name, Henderson.
My name, Henderson’s Daughter.
His title,Senator?
Mine,Juvenile Delinquent?
I ponder the titles and
the question marks.
The article mentions a
breaking and entering
at a local café.
Sites vandalism
graffiti
damage done
and
hush money handed out
like candy to quiet
a crying baby.
Me:I thought—
What did I think?
I try again.
Me:Miguel said—
Dad:Miguel no longer works with us.
Me:Why?
Dad:Because this is the very sort of thing he’s
responsible for containing.
Me:But he’s—
I think about
the other day
Miguel rushing, promising
while I eavesdropped, hid.
Miguel calling, begging
while I ignored his plea.
I think about
how Dad always considered Miguel
a part of the family.
Our family.
I start to say
I’m sorryI’m going to turn things aroundI’m his girl
then I notice the new portrait
framed and hanging over his chair.
Jane holding Melanie
larger image, thicker frame
the usual one of me and him and Mom—gone.
Miguel, my surrogate brother—gone.
Our eyes meet.
For the first time this whole year through
dinnersralliesSATs
I see my father how he sees me.
Me:I won’t pretend to be your perfect Henderson.
Dad:You have responsibilities to this family.
Me:I’m not your family.
I point to the portrait.
Dad slams his fist on the desk.
I leave, hoping to never ever again see
that picture of Jane looking down on me.
Getting It Out, Getting Out
Running up to my room,
I bump into Jane and tell her I hate her.
Really hate her.
Melanie peeks her head out
says nothing, quietly
closes her bedroom door.
Who cares if I’ve hurt her feelings?
Or Jane’s.
I pack a light bag,
head to April’s house, but
a bit of serendipity takes over
and I run into Betty.
Who better to cheer me up than Party Betty?
I text April, tell her I’ll be by later.
She texts back.
April:I’m not your back-up plan.
What does that mean?
Radio silence.
I stare at my phone wondering if she’s kicking me out
before I even arrive.
Then Party Betty asks if I’m just going to stand there
or have some fun?
No need to reply.
I throw my duffle bag over my back
and head to a party
with Betty.
Party Betty
Happy
free
changing in the bathroom of someone’s house
I put my jeans on
the tight ones
grab a drink
wash it down with a leftover pill
X gave me days ago.
The last remnant of him,
consumed.
I melt, feel
prettierfunnierrelaxedin control.
I’ve become a pro at this—the party part.
I can even do it without him.
I’m good at this. Better than I am at Geometry or Chemistry.
&nb
sp; Halfway through my second cup
of liquid fire
my eyes begin to
burn
blaze
burrow into the girl walking through the room—
Jessica.
Blonde hair cascading down her back,
curls falling in just the right place
bouncing against her flowery dress.
She doesn’t see me at first,
which gives me time to form a plan.
I form no plan.
Only shove my half-drunk drink
into her dry dress.
She falls into the futon, screams.
I dive on top of her
yanking her hair
clawing her arms
poking her cheek
twisting
jerking
raging
writhing
barely coming up for air
I cannot hear the
shouting
wailing
screaming
?:Sam! Saaaam!
I’m
being pulled off of her.
I regain focus, burrow my angry eyes
into a face.
X.
Party’s Over
Music screeches to a halt,
people gawk,
too drunk, drugged up
to form any opinions.
Taking my time,
one second
two seconds
three seconds
I hold my head high,
ignoring X’s plea, Why are you doing this?
a question too obvious to answer
and make my way
through the living room
down the hall
past the kitchen
out the door.
Done.
This chapter of me.
This person I’ve become—
fightingdrinkingfalling apart
speed-walking down the street,
turning around for a taxi,
thinking about X,
still in there
probably comforting Jessica
or
smoking meth
stealing a car
crashing a Vespa
ruining another girl’s life.
I head to April’s then remember she’s
not my back-up plan.
Another person I’ve pissed off in my
pitiful pursuit of livin’ the life.
Instead, I head home, calling it a night
week
month
summer
life
Senior year is almost here
summer’s done
and I
have got to get myself
together.