of curls sprung.
Arms touched.
Who was I
before that did not know
this feeling?
130
After, Day 30
It’s been
a month.
He stopped
writing
me letters.
He hasn’t
returned
my phone call
for
a week
now.
We’re in
a drought
and I
haven’t seen
a
single
inchworm
since
he
left.
131
An Unwelcome Truth
Sam doesn’t look himself tonight.
Like he has a sour taste in his mouth that seems to have nothing to do with the coconut lime milkshake I forced on him.
“Okay, just tell me whatever it is that’s been bothering you for the last hour.
I’ll buy you a Reese’s shake,” I say.
Sam shifts in the booth,
like he’s weighing a great problem.
I take our fries hostage
until he gives in.
“I think I saw Ezra tonight,” he says.
Not meeting my eyes.
“What? Where?”
“On the far corner of Main Street.
By the theater.
I’m not positive because
he changed direction when I saw him.
Started toward the quarry path.”
“That’s not possible,” I stammer.
He’s still not meeting my gaze.
I can tell there’s something else
132
he’s not telling me.
“Sam, I…”
“He was with someone else, Hannah.
A girl I didn’t recognize.”
That’s when confusion
and hurt turn into rage.
A rage that seems to be
the only alternative to silence.
“You’re wrong,” I practically shout.
Turning a few heads nearby.
“You’ve just always been waiting
for him to mess up somehow.
You see a guy who looks
a little like him from far away
and think the worst.”
Now it’s my turn
to leave the booth early.
The milkshake unfinished.
The friend sitting alone.
I storm outside.
I need the comfort of the river.
But a voice somewhere
in the back of my head,
in the folds of my heart,
in the pit of my stomach, says,
Don’t go to the quarry tonight.
There’s no comfort for you there.
133
Troubling Phone Conversation #1
“Hannah,
it’s not that
I don’t want
to see you.
I do.
I’m just
figuring
some things out
right now.
And
it has
to happen
here.
Not in
that town.”
That town.
It’s the
first time
since he
moved here
that he’s made it
so apparent
he’s an outsider.
That he
doesn’t belong.
“Things?
What things?
134
I’ll help you
figure them out.”
“No.
Thank you,
but no,” he says.
“It has to
be just
me.
It’s just,
I’m
a different
person
here and
I don’t
know
who to be
when
I go
back to
a place I
already
left
behind.”
Left behind.
Ouch.
135
Troubling Phone Conversation #2
“Hannah,
I didn’t cheat
on you.
Nothing happened. But
I’ve been
learning
about this
thing where
someone is
in more
than one
relationship
at a time.
And I think
I need
to try it.”
“We
need to
try it?” I ask.
“We.
Yeeeessss.
We.”
You hesitated,
I want to say.
136
“It’s just,
people have
different needs.
Changing needs,
and…”
Where have I
heard this before?
Immediately,
I remember
my brother
wiping
puffy,
red eyes.
Hiding them
beneath
his old
baseball cap
while I sat
on my stool.
My head
on his shoulder.
his back.
“And we just
don’t have
what we
once had?”
I ask.
137
“What?
No.
It’s not
like that.
It’s hard to
explain.
I still love you.
It’s just that
this is
something
separate.
It’s kind of
like,
so
you know how
I’m a
Capricorn?
Earth,
right?
Well,
I still have
a lot of
Sagittarius.
Fire.
And sometimes
I need to
let that take
a little
more
control.”
138
“And burn
everything
you planted?”
I ask.
“Well,
I mean,
sometimes
scorch and burn is
a healthy way to
clear the landscape.
Let the fire
take over
for a bit
so that the earth
can grow better
afterwards.
Being with
other people,
it wouldn’t mean
anything.
Just something new.
Wouldn’t change
how I feel
about you.
It’s just not
all that
fair
to expect
monogamy.
Just one person
139
for each person.”
I bite my lip
and command
the water inside me
not to slip out
of my eyes.
“Maybe you
should just
leave your landscape
unplanted
for a
while.
That does
the same
trick,”
I say.
&
nbsp; “Don’t
be
like
that,”
he says.
140
Unanswered Voicemail
from Ezra #1
“Listen,
I’m sorry.
I can tell
this
hurts
you.
We don’t have
to do this
if you
don’t want to.
Just promise me
you’ll think
it over
and
get back
to me.
I’ll come home
next weekend and
you can show me
all the amazing things
you’ve been making
for that art show
of yours.”
141
Quarry, Harvest Moon
There’s a full moon tonight.
The first since
he’s been gone.
Which means he’s
burning
a bundle of sage.
Prayers wafting
upward
like smoke.
It’s the same moon
hearing his pleas
tonight
that is
also there
for me.
Over 100
miles away.
And I wonder
if he ever said
a prayer
for that.
I wonder
if he ever said
a prayer
for me.
The moon says
she owes
142
me
nothing.
That this
is how
it should
be.
The boy who
used to
sit with me
under the moon
says
he owes
me
nothing.
I don’t
believe this
is how
it should
be. But,
even when
he’s gone,
the moon
tells me
to love
him just
the same.
I remember
his words.
“You have to
let people
143
be people.”
I’ve always
wanted him
to be
himself.
I love him
for always
being
himself.
But
I’ve been
trying
to stomach
the idea of
him holding
someone else.
And
it comes
to this:
There are just
some things
I’m
not okay
with us
being.
144
A Knowing
Renny
senses
we
need
to
talk
before
I’ve
even
made
it
to
his
door
with
the
stool.
“It’s
about
Ezra,
isn’t
it?”
I let go
of everything.
145
The secret visit.
The unanswered
messages.
The college girls
taking
my place.
When I finish,
his face
is a mix of
stumped
and
concerned.
He doesn’t threaten
to go beat up
my boyfriend.
Or get angry like
a lot of brothers
would. And
I’ve always loved him
for that.
He’s protective,
but
he realizes that
most of the time,
I need to protect
myself.
“Relationships
are hard,
complicated
things,
146
Hannah.
It sounds
like
you’re
starting off
with
a tough one.”
He gives
a slight smile.
Then
he
adjusts
his
baseball
cap
and
leans
forward.
Real
talk.
“So,
I’ve always found
it’s best not
to change
for people.
Much better
to change
because
of people.
147
A relationship
can teach you
things you
carry on
to
your next one.
It can
change your
perspective or
what you find
you want.
But,
if someone
asks you
to change
for them
in a way
you really can’t,
then sometimes
you just can’t.”
148
A Decision
I pick up
the phone and
finally
call Ezra back.
“I can’t do
what you want.
I thought about it.
If I
pretended like
it was okay
with me,
I just know
it would
eat me up inside.
Until I became
a mimosa
or
poison ivy.
And then
I wouldn’t
be
me
and
we wouldn’t
be
us.
149
You would
lose me.
That’s what
would happen.”
150
A Response
I expected
that
to be
the end
of the
conversation.
He said we
didn’t have
to do it
if
I didn’t
want to.
That it
mattered
to him
if
it hurt
me.
But
he
sounded
frustrated.
“You just
don’t understand.
You can’t
expect me
151
to just be
the old me
when
I’ve been
changing
here.
And
I could be
this new me
with
girls here.
And we
would
still have
what we
had before.
I’d
probably
come
home
less,
but…”
“You don’t
come home
now,” I say.
“Because it
makes me anxious.
I don’t know who
to be right now.”
152
“You always
seemed
to me
like you
know exactly
who you are.
That’s one of
the things I
like
best
about
you,” I say.
Ezra sighs.
“I still love you
and I
want to be
in a relationship
with you.
So I
won’t have
a relationship
here then.
Okay?
Happy?
I’ll just stick to
a few
meaningless
romances
on the side.
153
Nothing
emotional.
Just
figuring out
attraction and
desire and
myself.
Okay?”
I know.
I know,
it’s
not
the same.
At all.
But
I can’t help
the
flashback.
That
flashback.
The drunken
quarry night
and
all that
emotionless
touching.
If that is
really what
he wants,
154
then
maybe
we’re not
as alike
as
I thought.
155
A Resolution
“No.
Not okay.
I love
you,
but
I love
myself,
too,”
I say.
“You might
not know
who you
are yet,
but
I know me.
And if you
don’t want
me,
then I
don’t want
this.
The day you
touch someone else
is the day
we’re
through.
Decide.”
156
A long pause
and
a deep sigh.
“Okay,
okay.
I’ll drop it.”
157
A Completion
A few days later,
I put the finishing touches
on the paintings of
Ezra and me.
One of us
floating on our backs
through
a star-speckled sky.
Another of him
playing
mandolin
on top of
the moon.
Colors gushing
from
the neck of
the instrument.
At least
half a dozen
more.
Finally ready
to show him.
158
Unanswered Voicemail #2
He left me
a message saying
he has a test
on Monday.
He can’t
come home