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    Love by Night


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      Love by Night copyright © 2020 by S.K. Williams. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

      Andrews McMeel Publishing

      a division of Andrews McMeel Universal

      1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

      www.andrewsmcmeel.com

      Cover Art by Justin Estcourt

      Cover Design by Wilder

      ISBN: 978-1-5248-7008-9

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2020946871

      ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES

      Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department: specialsales@amuniversal.com.

      for Shayla

      for believing in me

      more than I ever believed

      in myself

      Take me into the night

      The place where no one else can be,

      just you and me

      Where our nervous heartbeats

      are the only sounds

      and the moon and her stars

      are the only lights around

      We will share our fears and dreams

      in equal parts, in equal measure,

      and we’ll love our flaws and beauties

      in each other and in ourselves

      This love will blossom

      into something new,

      something beautiful and true

      It won’t always be perfect

      but we’ll have each other there,

      stumbling together into the dark,

      hand-in-hand until the end

      Only in the night,

      we are endless

      And only our bodies will ever part

      Take me there, into the night

      In the beginning

      there was darkness

      and then there was love –

      at least what I thought was love –

      but that was darkness too

      and then there were days

      that felt like nights

      but the nights

      were romantic,

      lit by cosmic candles

      and the promise of eternity

      Night after night

      I spent on lonely rooftops

      waiting for someone

      to share it with,

      feet dangling

      over the edge of the world

      waiting my whole life

      for the moon

      to kiss the earth

      I get paralyzed by the things I don’t know

      the outcomes I can’t see

      of the choices I can’t make

      possible mistakes

      or the leaps I can’t take

      to unknown lands

      with unknown things

      Will things change

      or will they stay the same?

      Will I ever be whole

      or only ever broken

      and is this it –

      or is there more?

      There were hard days

      when I felt more broken than loved

      and I thought

      maybe this is as good as it gets

      I learned to find my own way

      and there were days

      when I stumbled through the dark

      but I always found the stars

      In a garden of thorns

      where nothing can grow

      beneath the thick winter snow

      I found you

      He and I went out for drinks

      with a couple of friends from work

      and we had such a good time

      it was easy to forget

      the rest of the world

      I lay in bed that night

      running things over and over in my head

      the way he laughed

      the way he smiled

      wondering – hoping – wishing –

      I could find some way

      to be the one to make him smile

      I want to be – I want to be her friend

      One that doesn’t have to have an end

      I look at her and wonder what we could be

      Will she share herself with me?

      I’m so scared to show her where I’ve been

      Will she run away from me then?

      I wonder what scars her fingers have felt

      I wonder how many “I love you’s”

      her lips have spilled

      Will she think that I am odd or strange?

      I wonder if she, too, believes one can change

      Will she turn away or laugh if I cry?

      I wonder if she’ll be honest or if she’ll lie

      I don’t know if I could

      find the words to speak

      I don’t know what I’ll say if I feel weak

      She seems to be gentle, she seems to be kind

      I can’t seem to get her off of my mind

      Maybe this is how a friendship could start

      I wonder – I hope – she doesn’t

      break my heart

      My breath catches when he looks at me

      pulse quickens

      cheeks flush

      my eyes instinctively look downward

      This feeling is a sickening rush

      I’ve never thought about him

      like this

      but I am now

      does he know?

      I think so.

      He smiles at me,

      his eyes linger on me

      a second too long

      Does he?

      Could he?

      no . . .

      She was so excited to read my poetry

      and I was so nervous

      journal after journal

      page after page

      word after word

      Would she recognize the ones I wrote

      about her?

      I don’t understand

      the heart beneath these wistful fingers –

      How did it learn to beat again

      when its heart drums were broken?

      How did it learn to sing

      when it never knew these words before?

      How did it fall in love again

      when it is still healing from the last time

      it fell?

      A lot of people used to tell me

      it was depressing

      going to movies alone every now and then

      going out on a walk to nowhere

      in the middle of the night

      going into my books, my words, my head

      to write and escape

      but she thought it was beautiful

      and brave

      and inspiring

      no one has ever made me feel that before

      Conversations with Myself

      He smiled at me the first time we met

      maybe he’s interested – he’s kind of cute

      but how could he be interested in someone like me?

      He waited to leave so he could talk to me

      maybe he wants to get to know me better

      or maybe he’s just being friendly

      He said he was busy when I invited him out for coffee

     
    maybe he really is busy

      or maybe he is avoiding me, maybe I should back off

      He agreed to hang out with me

      maybe this is finally it

      or maybe something will “come up”

      We talked for hours and it was perfect

      I think he might like me

      then again, I don’t know

      I have always believed

      you learn so much more about a person

      when you see how they interact with others

      She is so tender to those

      whom others overlook or cast out

      She is slow to judge and slow to anger

      and she listens carefully to each word

      someone tells her

      holding the words in her eyes

      like they are fragile and precious

      She sees the beauty in things

      others dismiss so easily

      There is a softness,

      a tenderness about him

      He says what he thinks, fearlessly

      but he never means to hurt someone –

      even if he does

      He seems to care so much about others –

      not what they think of him

      but how they feel about the world about themselves

      He is kind to me

      but sometimes maybe not to himself

      Some people think she’s quiet or shy

      but I think she doesn’t try to be loud

      she wants to give everyone a chance to be heard

      I’ve noticed the way she talks

      with her eyes

      more than with her mouth

      When she’s excited and animated

      they open up wide and twinkle with a smile

      He reminds me

      of the way things were

      when I wondered what I

      wanted to be when I grew up

      when I looked to the stars

      and wondered if I’d ever swim among them

      when I thought the best thing

      in the world

      was an ice cream and the summertime

      away from school

      and burying myself in a good book

      when I thought all things were possible

      and now – maybe again – they are

      She reminded me

      that it’s okay to take care of myself

      to fall down and cry and let myself

      be picked back up by someone else

      to not always be strong

      that I don’t always have to put

      them before me

      that it’s okay to want someone to

      rub your back

      run their fingers through your hair

      read you to sleep

      roll you up into a burrito blanket

      it’s okay to let yourself

      be taken care of

      I find myself staring

      at you

      too much

      not because of your beauty

      but because

      I wonder if you’re real

      or when you’ll simply

      disappear

      Maybe it is simply vanity

      but there is something in our sameness

      that draws me back to her again and again

      It feels effortless to understand each other

      And I’ve never known someone else

      who feels so much

      like my own reflection

      It seems the better I know her

      the better I get to know myself

      And I don’t seem to have to change

      all these things I like

      to make her like me

      but instead – she helps me cut away

      the parts I never liked about myself

      I value my friendship with her

      above my other relationships

      not because she demands all my time

      but because I want to spend

      all my time with her

      because she fights for me when I don’t

      fight for myself

      The more time I spend with her

      the more I realize

      who I was before

      was a whisper of myself

      all the rest of me was shoved underwater

      and was starting to learn to live there

      growing gills to adapt to my discomfort

      Her voice is louder for me

      than I ever was for myself

      She introduced me to ideas

      I had long ago dismissed

      like

      “you are enough”

      “it is okay to make mistakes”

      “it is okay to be different”

      “you belong”

      We dip our toes in the water

      uncertain

      but hopeful

      excited

      but shy

      confident

      but aloof

      and though we stand apart

      the ripples of water

      kiss

      Am I a fool

      for thinking this could be more

      than what it is?

      for wondering

      if he wonders too?

      for letting myself fall for him

      when I don’t know

      if he’ll catch me?

      for hoping

      against all hope

      he could be

      what I never thought

      was real?

      Am I a fool?

      I don’t know what I was thinking

      maybe I thought if I came over

      I could sweep you off your feet

      or something

      but I’m sitting in my car

      it’s been a couple hours

      and I wonder if you’d want me

      to come in

      I’ve never been more afraid

      of anything

      than I am

      now

      of ever losing you

      I’ve never had a friend like this before, not quite

      who stays up late with me on work nights

      who talks for hours and hours about the things we both care about

      who holds me when I cry

      who lets themselves be vulnerable in front of me

      who reads the books I recommend and the poems I write

      who gives me notes back the next day

      who pretends like she didn’t hear me fart and laughs with me when I tell her I did

      who lets me be whomever I want to be and still values me, no more and no less

      who reminds me to take care of myself, too, when I take too much care of others

      who listens to me and believes me when I tell her she is worth it all

      who takes my hand when I’m afraid

      and takes the hand I offer her

      when she falls

      I’ve never had a friend like her

      Please

      be slow to remind me of my mistakes

      be gentle in telling me when I am wrong

      be kind when you don’t feel I deserve it

      Please

      remember I am not always right

      and I can’t always be strong

      You sit

      just inches away

      but the inches

      feel like miles

      and though we aren’t even touching

      I can feel you

      your skin against mine


      the warm smile on your lips

      the wonder in your eyes

      the hope in your heart –

      all the depths of you –

      like an ocean

      unexplored

      You tell me

      I don’t have to come over

      I don’t have to stick around

      I don’t have to love you

      But you’re wrong

      you see

      because every part of me

      wants to stay

      wants to be with you

      and wants to love you

      so please

      just let me

      There was this moment we shared together

      when it felt like the world fell away from us

      and it was just you and I

      coexisting in this nothingness

      And I hoped – I dared to hope –

      the moment could last

      forever

      If I simply closed my eyes and believed,

      Maybe this would work,

      maybe we could make it

      Maybe we have a choice

      and everything that comes after

      will matter more

      than anything that came before

      The truth is, it’s all a choice we make

      but I look at every possible trajectory

      of my life

      And I see you in every direction

      I climb back into my car and close the door

      your goodbye still fresh on my lips

      but I look out and I see you in your own car

      staring back at me

      thinking the same thing

      that it takes everything

      to stop myself

      from getting out

      and getting back into your car

      and kissing you

      There was something in your eye

      when you kissed me on the cheek

      and said goodbye

      something

      that said

      you didn’t want

      to go

      you didn’t want this

      to end

      Maybe it doesn’t have to

      Maybe it never has to

      You kiss me

      and I’m afraid to show you

      all of my scars

      but you don’t flinch

     


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