Love by Night copyright © 2020 by S.K. Williams. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
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ISBN: 978-1-5248-7008-9
Library of Congress Control Number: 2020946871
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for Shayla
for believing in me
more than I ever believed
in myself
Take me into the night
The place where no one else can be,
just you and me
Where our nervous heartbeats
are the only sounds
and the moon and her stars
are the only lights around
We will share our fears and dreams
in equal parts, in equal measure,
and we’ll love our flaws and beauties
in each other and in ourselves
This love will blossom
into something new,
something beautiful and true
It won’t always be perfect
but we’ll have each other there,
stumbling together into the dark,
hand-in-hand until the end
Only in the night,
we are endless
And only our bodies will ever part
Take me there, into the night
In the beginning
there was darkness
and then there was love –
at least what I thought was love –
but that was darkness too
and then there were days
that felt like nights
but the nights
were romantic,
lit by cosmic candles
and the promise of eternity
Night after night
I spent on lonely rooftops
waiting for someone
to share it with,
feet dangling
over the edge of the world
waiting my whole life
for the moon
to kiss the earth
I get paralyzed by the things I don’t know
the outcomes I can’t see
of the choices I can’t make
possible mistakes
or the leaps I can’t take
to unknown lands
with unknown things
Will things change
or will they stay the same?
Will I ever be whole
or only ever broken
and is this it –
or is there more?
There were hard days
when I felt more broken than loved
and I thought
maybe this is as good as it gets
I learned to find my own way
and there were days
when I stumbled through the dark
but I always found the stars
In a garden of thorns
where nothing can grow
beneath the thick winter snow
I found you
He and I went out for drinks
with a couple of friends from work
and we had such a good time
it was easy to forget
the rest of the world
I lay in bed that night
running things over and over in my head
the way he laughed
the way he smiled
wondering – hoping – wishing –
I could find some way
to be the one to make him smile
I want to be – I want to be her friend
One that doesn’t have to have an end
I look at her and wonder what we could be
Will she share herself with me?
I’m so scared to show her where I’ve been
Will she run away from me then?
I wonder what scars her fingers have felt
her lips have spilled
Will she think that I am odd or strange?
I wonder if she, too, believes one can change
Will she turn away or laugh if I cry?
I wonder if she’ll be honest or if she’ll lie
I don’t know if I could
find the words to speak
I don’t know what I’ll say if I feel weak
She seems to be gentle, she seems to be kind
I can’t seem to get her off of my mind
Maybe this is how a friendship could start
I wonder – I hope – she doesn’t
break my heart
My breath catches when he looks at me
pulse quickens
cheeks flush
my eyes instinctively look downward
This feeling is a sickening rush
I’ve never thought about him
like this
but I am now
does he know?
I think so.
He smiles at me,
his eyes linger on me
a second too long
Does he?
Could he?
no . . .
She was so excited to read my poetry
and I was so nervous
journal after journal
page after page
word after word
Would she recognize the ones I wrote
about her?
I don’t understand
the heart beneath these wistful fingers –
How did it learn to beat again
when its heart drums were broken?
How did it learn to sing
when it never knew these words before?
How did it fall in love again
when it is still healing from the last time
it fell?
A lot of people used to tell me
it was depressing
going to movies alone every now and then
going out on a walk to nowhere
in the middle of the night
going into my books, my words, my head
to write and escape
but she thought it was beautiful
and brave
and inspiring
no one has ever made me feel that before
Conversations with Myself
He smiled at me the first time we met
maybe he’s interested – he’s kind of cute
but how could he be interested in someone like me?
He waited to leave so he could talk to me
maybe he wants to get to know me better
or maybe he’s just being friendly
He said he was busy when I invited him out for coffee
maybe he really is busy
or maybe he is avoiding me, maybe I should back off
He agreed to hang out with me
maybe this is finally it
or maybe something will “come up”
We talked for hours and it was perfect
I think he might like me
then again, I don’t know
I have always believed
you learn so much more about a person
when you see how they interact with others
She is so tender to those
whom others overlook or cast out
She is slow to judge and slow to anger
and she listens carefully to each word
someone tells her
holding the words in her eyes
like they are fragile and precious
She sees the beauty in things
others dismiss so easily
There is a softness,
a tenderness about him
He says what he thinks, fearlessly
but he never means to hurt someone –
even if he does
He seems to care so much about others –
not what they think of him
but how they feel about the world about themselves
He is kind to me
but sometimes maybe not to himself
Some people think she’s quiet or shy
but I think she doesn’t try to be loud
she wants to give everyone a chance to be heard
I’ve noticed the way she talks
with her eyes
more than with her mouth
they open up wide and twinkle with a smile
He reminds me
of the way things were
when I wondered what I
wanted to be when I grew up
when I looked to the stars
and wondered if I’d ever swim among them
when I thought the best thing
in the world
was an ice cream and the summertime
away from school
and burying myself in a good book
when I thought all things were possible
and now – maybe again – they are
She reminded me
that it’s okay to take care of myself
to fall down and cry and let myself
be picked back up by someone else
to not always be strong
that I don’t always have to put
them before me
that it’s okay to want someone to
rub your back
run their fingers through your hair
read you to sleep
roll you up into a burrito blanket
it’s okay to let yourself
be taken care of
I find myself staring
at you
too much
not because of your beauty
but because
I wonder if you’re real
or when you’ll simply
disappear
Maybe it is simply vanity
but there is something in our sameness
that draws me back to her again and again
It feels effortless to understand each other
And I’ve never known someone else
who feels so much
like my own reflection
It seems the better I know her
the better I get to know myself
And I don’t seem to have to change
all these things I like
to make her like me
but instead – she helps me cut away
the parts I never liked about myself
I value my friendship with her
above my other relationships
not because she demands all my time
but because I want to spend
all my time with her
because she fights for me when I don’t
fight for myself
The more time I spend with her
the more I realize
who I was before
was a whisper of myself
all the rest of me was shoved underwater
and was starting to learn to live there
growing gills to adapt to my discomfort
Her voice is louder for me
than I ever was for myself
She introduced me to ideas
I had long ago dismissed
like
“you are enough”
“it is okay to make mistakes”
“it is okay to be different”
“you belong”
We dip our toes in the water
uncertain
but hopeful
excited
but shy
confident
but aloof
and though we stand apart
the ripples of water
kiss
Am I a fool
for thinking this could be more
than what it is?
for wondering
if he wonders too?
for letting myself fall for him
when I don’t know
if he’ll catch me?
for hoping
against all hope
he could be
what I never thought
was real?
Am I a fool?
I don’t know what I was thinking
maybe I thought if I came over
I could sweep you off your feet
or something
but I’m sitting in my car
it’s been a couple hours
and I wonder if you’d want me
to come in
I’ve never been more afraid
of anything
than I am
now
of ever losing you
I’ve never had a friend like this before, not quite
who stays up late with me on work nights
who talks for hours and hours about the things we both care about
who holds me when I cry
who lets themselves be vulnerable in front of me
who reads the books I recommend and the poems I write
who gives me notes back the next day
who pretends like she didn’t hear me fart and laughs with me when I tell her I did
who lets me be whomever I want to be and still values me, no more and no less
who reminds me to take care of myself, too, when I take too much care of others
who listens to me and believes me when I tell her she is worth it all
who takes my hand when I’m afraid
and takes the hand I offer her
when she falls
I’ve never had a friend like her
Please
be slow to remind me of my mistakes
be gentle in telling me when I am wrong
be kind when you don’t feel I deserve it
Please
remember I am not always right
and I can’t always be strong
You sit
just inches away
but the inches
feel like miles
and though we aren’t even touching
I can feel you
your skin against mine
the warm smile on your lips
the wonder in your eyes
the hope in your heart –
all the depths of you –
like an ocean
unexplored
You tell me
I don’t have to come over
I don’t have to stick around
I don’t have to love you
But you’re wrong
you see
because every part of me
wants to stay
wants to be with you
and wants to love you
so please
just let me
There was this moment we shared together
when it felt like the world fell away from us
and it was just you and I
coexisting in this nothingness
And I hoped – I dared to hope –
the moment could last
forever
If I simply closed my eyes and believed,
Maybe this would work,
maybe we could make it
Maybe we have a choice
and everything that comes after
will matter more
than anything that came before
The truth is, it’s all a choice we make
but I look at every possible trajectory
of my life
And I see you in every direction
I climb back into my car and close the door
your goodbye still fresh on my lips
but I look out and I see you in your own car
staring back at me
thinking the same thing
that it takes everything
to stop myself
from getting out
and getting back into your car
and kissing you
There was something in your eye
when you kissed me on the cheek
and said goodbye
something
that said
you didn’t want
to go
you didn’t want this
to end
Maybe it doesn’t have to
Maybe it never has to
You kiss me
and I’m afraid to show you
all of my scars
but you don’t flinch